Afterlight

Chapter 32 – Love and Loathing

I woke some time in the night as the bed shifted.

I blinked blearily and could just make out Araxis's pale form sitting on the edge of the bed near my feet.

His head was tipped forward, shoulders hunched.

As I forced my eyes open, I saw his head tilt away so he was looking out the windows; he might have been watching me before. I wasn't sure.

"I do not know what to do," he said, voice raw. "I cannot undo the damage I have done."

I stared at his shape in the dark, nothing more than a suggestion. "No, you can't," I admitted, quiet.

"I hate what I have done."

I shifted, the sheets rustling around me, so that I could stare at the dark ceiling above.

Araxis continued, voice a low rasp. "It was not wearing the crown that made me feel like a victor, Sashen. It was when you told me you were proud. But you already knew. You weren't proud. How could you be? I deserve – contempt. I know it."

I felt the impulse to offer comfort, but he should be upset. What he’d done to me counted. How often had I thought it before, that he was an important person and I wasn't? I'd just hoped that maybe I could be important to him.

Of course he'd chosen his creche over someone he didn't even know.

But the least he could have done was to have the courtesy of telling me the truth when things got real.

Or when he saw them getting real for me.

I doubted they were ever real for him like they were for me.

He could have given me a chance to be brave in my own right: I would have stepped up to help Creche Thiel.

I'd have put my life on the line for those kids in a heartbeat.

But he didn't give me the chance to show him who I could be, the potential I had to be more than a dancer, more than virra, more than a feather in his cap as he made his grand return to Xitera.

"I am proud of you," I admitted, chewing on the inside of my cheek. "And I'm – I’m furious." But the word didn’t taste like anger in my mouth; instead, it tasted of sorrow, like salt and ash and the particular bitterness of wanting more than you should ever have dared to dream of.

"Yes," said Araxis, hollow. "As you should be. I understand."

"I would have helped you," I added. "If you'd asked. If you'd told me."

"I know."

What else was there to say? I reached and ground the heels of my palms into my eyes so that light burst across my vision there in the dark. I exhaled. "So what are we doing tomorrow?" I asked.

I heard the breath leave his mouth, weary. "We will travel to the judiciary ship. There is an intake process during which they gather relevant documentation, and then we will be interviewed."

"And that's it?"

"Yes. That is it."

"And they'll find in our favour. Even with… everything."

"I am more certain than I have been of anything before." Araxis shifted, just slightly, and I thought he might have been rubbing at his shoulder. Maybe it was sore. "No matter how deplorable my actions, you are virra and you have not been controlled." It sounded like it hurt him when he said it.

"Okay." I rolled back to my side so that I was looking at the pale shape of his shoulder, his neck, his profile. "And what then?"

"Then we will meet with our creche ship.

Our petition should be formally accepted within the next few weeks.

While we wait, we will travel to another station to have the ship repaired and retrofitted; I will meet with many other creches and begin laying the groundwork for our work in the Assembly. There is… much to do."

"And?" My voice was no louder than a breath. He had to know what I was really asking.

"We must decide what comes next for the two of us.

" His voice tightened, pained. "I would not keep you caged.

I do not yet know a way out but we will find it.

I will find it for you, Sashen, and I promise you on the name of Creche Thiel and the mantle that I have accepted from the long line of other heads of house before me, I will not make you choose between staying with me and…

suicide. I will fix this. I do not expect you to forgive me, and I will not undertake this work so that you might be so inclined: I do it because what I have done is unjust and unkind and undeserving of you.

I will do everything in my power to atone for what I have done. "

It was more than I expected, and there, in the dark of the night with all the truths laid out between us, raw and bloodied, I wasn't sure that if someone held a knife to my throat and made me choose, that I would choose to walk away. I wasn't sure I wanted the tether between us to be cut.

I needed more time. We needed more time.

"Okay," I said. "We'll talk about it. The two of us.

Just – to be clear, Araxis. I don't want you to just go ahead and fix this.

I want us to talk about it. I want us to figure it out.

I don't want you to decide anything for me, even if you think you're making…

a noble decision or the right one or you're doing me a kindness.

Fuck your kindness, I don't want it. I want to be your equal, not some charity case. "

"I understand, Sashen," he said, there in the dark.

"You have my word. And… I have never thought of you as piteous.

I have admired your strength and resilience, and your generous soul.

I should have realized that such a generous soul would –" He stopped, swallowing hard.

"That you would see something worth loving in me.

I am sorry I failed to live up to the person you believed me to be.

I would do anything to be someone you could be proud of – but I – I am not. " He moved to stand.

I couldn't leave it like that. There was no way, and before I could think better of it, I blurted, "Wait, Araxis.

Just – " He stilled, and my heart thudded against my sternum, unsteady.

"I'm – Fuck, I'm just – I'm terrified." And I didn't want to say it, I hadn't meant to admit it, but that dim room and the quiet way we were speaking unlocked something in me.

We weren't sitting against a wall, and he wasn't offering me tea, but I found myself making a confession nonetheless.

I hadn't wanted to reach for him – but I seemed unable to help myself.

His face was little more than a pale shape as he turned toward me in the dark. "Why?" he asked. His hand went to reach for me, then dropped back to the blanket as he thought better of it.

"I know you're sure that everything is going to be fine with CPEF. But… what if they decide I am responsible for the damages after all?" The thought made my chest constrict, shards of ice filling my lungs. "What if they try to send me back? What if –"

"Sashen." His hand moved to my chest, a comforting weight that settled right over my heart.

"I would find a way to you. I had your trust and I have lost it because of my own detestable actions.

But I promise you, we will walk out of the judiciary ship together, and we will determine what happens next.

We will chart our path; I have heard you, beloved.

I am yours, for… as long as you will have me.

If that is only until the end of tomorrow, I understand entirely. "

His subvocal whined again, sharp, and I heard him force it back, swallowing hard. I felt the tremor in his hand as it rested on my chest. And I believed him.

I believe him. I don't know where we'll stand after this, but I do know we're going to talk about it.

Then, I let my own hand drift out from under the covers and I reached for him, touching his fingers with my own. He sucked in a sharp breath. "Come to bed," I murmured. "Stay with me tonight."

He moved gingerly, tentatively, and slid under the covers beside me, curving his body away from me, his back to mine.

He held himself so carefully, his limbs shivering from how tightly he was coiled, how deliberate he was in giving me space.

I sighed, rolled over, and tucked an arm around his waist. After a moment, the shaking of his body slowed, and then I felt him go soft and slack, and we both drifted to sleep, cradled in each other's warmth.

I woke up early, the lights dim in the living room beyond; they were faint enough to tell me I should probably still be sleeping. But I came to, still holding Araxis tight, and immediately rolled away to stare accusingly at the dark ceiling overhead.

It seemed like, even if my heart had mixed feelings about Araxis, my dick had its own thoughts on what constituted a good idea.

My cock was rigid and uncomfortable in the clothes I still hadn't shucked off, and I knew I'd been grinding against Araxis, unthinking. Stupid. Stupid. I reached down and shifted myself, just slightly, trying at least to make the current state of affairs a bit less obvious.

Why had I invited him into bed with me?

Because he was miserable and I was scared, and apparently I still felt better when Araxis was around. It was pathetic and I knew that, which somehow made it all worse.

Part of me wished I could unknow what I'd figured out.

If I had never put the pieces together, or if I had ignored my suspicions and let Araxis continue to lie to me – he lied like he did everything else, prettily – I could have slipped into my new life like stepping into a warm bath.

When I'd been on the creche ship, I had wanted to stay, even if I’d had a hard time admitting it to myself; I'd wanted to fit in, to find my place, to make that ship a home.

I'd wanted Araxis to keep me. I'd never been more heartbroken than when he had turned his back on me, pushing me away and –

Fuck, it was all complicated. And Araxis had only made it worse.

Next to me, he shifted under the blankets; the sheets smelled like him now, spice and warmth, and my cock twitched.