Chapter 34 – Aftermath #3
"I did, and now… I'm not saying that's off the table, but it's a lot, Araxis.
This has all been really fucked up. So I don't know where we stand exactly.
I don't know where we'll end up. But I do know that I want a contract, I want terms, and I want it all verified through contract law.
I've checked, and we can use the judiciary.
They'll make sure it's strictly confidential.
It's their whole thing, and after everything I've told Justiciar Tra Fell, if we can't trust them with a contract, we really are fucked. "
For a long time, neither of us said anything. I reached out and picked up the crane I'd been working on again, going back to folding the square in sequence. The only sound between us was the slow rustling of paper, the sound of my nail on the creases.
Finally, Araxis said, "Very well. Did you have terms in mind?"
I tapped on my wristband and sent him the draft I'd put together the night before. I watched him scroll out of the corner of my eye, and he tapped only a few small changes, sending it back to me with his biosignature for my approval. I set my next crane aside and reviewed his modifications.
"You don't need to pay me more," I said, poking at the figure and decreasing the amount. "And I don't need days off."
"They are important for well-being," Araxis insisted, deleting my revisions when I sent them back and increasing the stipend again. He also added in several additional obscure holidays from religions I hadn’t even heard of.
I glared at him, changing the amount again and striking the holidays entirely from the contract. "Don't fight me on this because you feel bad," I snapped. "Be reasonable."
"I will not be reasonable if that entails paying you too little and working you to the bone."
"You won't be working me to the bone. You can't even imagine how hard I've worked every single day for the last decade!"
"Yes, I am aware, Sashen. That is why I want you to have days off, and enough credits so that you might walk away from me with the opportunity to do whatever it is you wish to do! You don't want to return to dancing. Allow me to compensate you in the slightest for all I have done to you."
"All –" I stopped, scowling at the latest contract that was hovering over my wrist. "Fine," I said, stabbing my acceptance of the contract. "I'm sure it brings you pleasure to care for me this way."
It was petty, throwing his words at him like that, words that had meant everything to me when he'd said them. Words that had made something tender and broken stir inside of me.
When I looked up, though, Araxis's features had softened. "Yes," he murmured after a long moment. "It does. I will care for you in whatever way you will allow, Sashen. However you will have me, I am yours always."
I swallowed around the sudden lump in my throat.
"About that," I said, sending Araxis a finalized copy of the contract before flicking it onward to Justiciar Tra Fell, who would file it appropriately in the judiciary ship's systems. "I think…
we should maybe take a break from any having, just for now.
We're trying to figure all of this –" I gestured to the space between us, "out, and I don't think…
being intimate is going to help us make level-headed and sensible decisions. "
Araxis's eyelids fluttered, but he nodded. "Yes, I understand," he said quietly. "I suspect you are correct. You do understand that we will be expected to share a bed; we will be understood to be intimate. We may need to act the part in public."
"I understand," I said, feeling very much as if I was at war with myself.
I wanted to hold him; I wanted to touch him; I wanted more than anything to press myself against him, to taste his skin and his mouth, to plunder his body and to have him mark mine.
And I wanted to push him back and keep him at a distance so that he couldn't continue to hurt me.
I wanted to be myself, to know who I was, to know I could stand on my own – and to do that, I needed to be a lot less tangled up in who Araxis was.
"And I'm not saying that it's forever. Just… for a bit."
"Hm, I have been celibate for almost the entirety of my life.
I will not find this difficult. How will you fare, Sashen?
" The way he said it, with the tiniest sliver of humour, made my heart patter with a rush of affection.
I'd missed him. I wanted, then, to push myself to my knees and reach for him, to kiss his treacherous mouth and hold him close until he promised to never hurt me again.
But it didn't work like that, so I didn't do any of the things I imagined.
Instead, I rolled my eyes. "I've got a good imagination and two hands. I think I'll manage."
Araxis's look grew a little sly, and it was so familiar and comfortable that a lopsided smile curled the edge of my mouth as he said, "Hm, that sounds nice, I suppose. I understand that is your outer limit."
I laughed, reaching forward to shove his shoulder. I pretended that my fingers didn't tingle where they touched him, just like I pretended I didn't see the way that his stare grew heated, just for a moment, as I moved his body by force.
I'd come in here wanting to know what roles each of us would have to play over the intervening months and what would happen when we ventured deep into the abayan empire.
I wanted to know how I'd be expected to act and if Araxis also expected that of me.
I'd wanted to see if he might be malleable in his own way, if I might push him in a different direction, force him against the grain, just a little.
I'd wanted a contract and a plan and a way out.
And I'd wanted to see how it felt to be in the same room with him.
To see him and love him and still keep myself under control.
I'd wanted to see if I could stand firm in my resolve or if I became pliant and soft around him, regardless of my intention.
I wanted to be sure I could take care of myself, that I could love him and still be smart.
I knew I needed to be smart moving forward. There was a lot on the line.
"Alright," I said finally. "We've got a plan. We understand each other. As soon as they let us out of here, where are we headed?"
Araxis smiled, then, and took a sip of his cold tea.
He grimaced, then tilted his head thoughtfully and took another sip.
"You know, Sashen, I do not mind this at all.
It was perhaps a bit bracing initially – but I enjoy…
trying something different." And then he outlined the steps we would take before we travelled with the creche to the centre of the abayan empire.
I'd read before that certain types of trees, once they've been damaged by wind and lightning, can grow back stronger; like scar tissue, the new fibres made their branches more robust, more powerful, impossible to break. Their roots grow deeper; their crowns grow taller.
I hoped that could be us. I thought it could be.
Alet Trident liked to say that I was cocky and arrogant but here, with Araxis, as we contemplated the steps we needed to take next to change the fate of the abayan empire, I didn't feel cocky.
I felt hopeful. And that was something I could get used to.