Chapter 34 – Aftermath #2
"Yes, Sashen. I offered for you; you declared for me. This is why you had status with Creche Athal, and why you will have status with any other creche. All abaya will understand that you are a treasure."
I didn’t particularly feel like a treasure; I was more like a cheap and worn-out toy on its last legs.
Then again, maybe that was what abaya liked.
I needed to know more, so I fiddled with the crane on my knee, where its folded wings kept my thoughts and questions tucked away, safe.
"Now I want you to explain what it means to be a declared virra. What does it actually mean?"
"It means that you have accepted a place in Creche Thiel," said Araxis, his voice low and quiet.
"You have declared yourself for me. You have accepted me as sinnenthi, as leader.
You agree to defer to my judgment. This is not unique to virra – a cinelaat must petition their sinnenthi for the right to hatch eggs – but it is considered particularly…
important for virra. You yield. You submit. "
I'd known, walking into this room with my questions, that I wasn't going to like the answers he gave me.
But as long as he gave them to me, that was what I needed.
I'd already made the declaration, there on the sands; now I was just gathering information.
Reminding myself of that made it possible for me to smother the surge of fury flaring bright inside of my chest.
I swallowed it back; I banked it to ember and ash.
"And what kinds of things do I need your judgment on?"
"You need my judgment on nothing." He looked up at me for a brief moment, the skin around his eyes tight. "It is the expectation. It will not be how we conduct ourselves."
"So I can just do whatever I want."
"Yes," Araxis said, firm. I waited for him to add more, but he was silent, head bowed, shoulders tight.
Well, I'd bring things to a head then. "So I could go out, dance in every club I find, go home with someone different every night.
I could suck and fuck my way through the Assembly.
I could never sleep in your bed. I could arrange my schedule so that I never saw you.
I could live on the periphery of the creche forever and always. "
I watched him carefully, so I saw it when he winced.
Yeah, that was what I thought. "Araxis, that's not what I want, and that's not why you decided to undertake…
all of this. I understand you're not going to insist that I submit, but everyone will expect me to.
They'll expect me to be tamed, right? So what does that look like – because if we're going to be equals, I want to be your equal in helping Creche Thiel gain its power back.
I want to be your equal in fucking over those gender essentialist, kid-killing dickbags in the Concord.
And in order to do that, I need to know how we need to play this.
We're good at convincing an audience, right? "
His dark gaze flicked upwards, meeting mine as he peered at me from behind his eyelashes.
And while I still thought he looked pretty, I now knew that he was able to hide a lot behind that black stare.
"You want… to pretend?" When I nodded, he made a soft, surprised sound and then straightened, just a little.
"If you were… Hm. When a virra declares for a sinnenthi, tradition dictates that the virra is with the sinnenthi almost all of the time.
They sleep together, eat together, go to meetings together.
This can be the case as well with other declarations: Lauvis fought the Assembly at great length to assure that Zirric could be seated beside him during proceedings. "
"Well, Zirric is practically virra anyway," I said, waving him on.
Access to the Assembly, to private meetings, to anywhere and everywhere Araxis, head of Creche Thiel and exiled prince returning to power, was summoned.
That could be useful. "So if we're pretending, I'll be with you all of the time.
And how would a declared virra act, traditionally? "
Araxis tilted his head, studying me. "Deferentially. Although Creche Thiel is not expected to behave traditionally; I made that clear during the interview with Yarix News."
"I mean, I can do that," I admitted. "I've got a lot of experience pretending to be good-natured and docile. And what is your role, exactly, as my sinnenthi?"
His lilac tongue flicked out for a moment.
"A sinnenthi must act at all times to honour those in their care, those who place trust in their judgment.
I am charged with assuring your… actualization.
You said you would like to learn to speak abayan, to pilot, to cook.
I would assure you had the opportunity to pursue all of these.
If you are lonely, I am to help you make meaningful relationships.
If you wish to touch a tree or stand in the rain – I must see that it happens.
All that will bring you fulfillment is my responsibility to provide.
I am to be available to you always, ready to see that your every need is tended to.
If I fail in this, another sinnenthi might offer for you.
Virra are treasured and cherished, and sinnenthi are charged with treating them as such. "
I exhaled, still watching him. "Alright, so I'm expected to submit and you're expected to take care of me in every way. But we're not doing that for real, even if we could… pretend, for political gain. So what does that mean for us?"
Araxis shifted, just slightly. He nudged the cup, still full of dark human tea, to the side, leaning a little closer as he spoke.
"I take my duties as sinnenthi seriously: I do not expect you to seek my judgment in truth; I do not expect you to submit or yield; I do not want that, Sashen.
I wish for us to be equals in every way.
But I will aim to make your life good. I will –"
"No," I said, tone sharpening as a frown carved my face.
Araxis jerked back, startled. "I mean, it's nice you want to take care of things for me, but I want to be very clear: you aren't in charge of my happiness or my fulfillment.
I'm in charge of that. I don't want you anticipating my needs or desires and then acting to fulfill them before I can get there myself.
I want you to trust that I will take care of myself, and that if I need your help with something, I'll ask. Do you understand?"
The silence between us grew tense, like a muscle straining under too much weight.
Then, he fluted out a thin breath, slouching slightly.
"Yes, I understand," Araxis murmured, staring at his lap again.
"It… may take me some time to adjust. This is a very foreign way for me to approach – anything.
But… I will try. I would try anything for you, Sashen. "
"I know," I said, and I did. Hearing him echo my own words back made something soften in me, just a little, and Araxis must have felt the shift as well, because he dared to look up at me, features pinched and washed out.
"But I think that could work for us. We can pretend for everyone else, but we'll understand what's really going on.
And if we play the part – I can pretend I'm deferential; you can pretend that you're in charge – we can get close enough to our enemies to stab them in the back. "
I wanted to add, And you know all about backstabbing, don't you?, but I bit my tongue. I wasn't going to be a hothead, not this time.
"So you will come to the empire with Creche Thiel? With… me?" The way he said it, fragile and tentative and hopeful and broken, all at once, made my heart ache in my chest.
"I will. For now, at least." I steadied myself, rubbing my finger along the folded wing of my paper crane as I squared my shoulders.
"I want to draw up a contract for a set amount of time – I was thinking a year – during which time I'll play the role of virra to your sinnenthi.
I'll help you in the Assembly; I'll do whatever I can to improve the standing of Creche Thiel and your own status.
And then, after a year, we'll sit down and review where we stand.
Oh, and I think it's fair that you pay me for my time. "
Something flashed across Araxis's features, sudden and sharp. "You – This is work?"
"For me, yes."
"I thought –" Araxis bit off the rest of the words, hard. His jaw looked so tight that I'd be surprised if he didn't taste blood in his mouth.
I knew what he would have said next anyway.
"I do love you," I said, "and you fucked me over.
I said I'm going to take care of myself, and I am.
When I was in the interviews, what stood out to me is how you always put your creche first, as you should.
That's your role as sinnenthi, and you are excellent at it.
So I can't trust you to put me first, Araxis.
I'm not upset about it; it's just reality. "
"You are part of Creche Thiel, Sashen." His eyes were big and liquid as he stared at me, insistent.
"Sure," I replied, "but I'm also me. I won't defer to you happily and willingly.
Your culture isn't mine. You said in the interview with Yarix News that you know how hard it is for any virra to join a new creche – and this isn't something that I chose freely.
You forced my hand. You forced the matter.
" I remembered that from the interview too.
Whether or not he'd intended to at that point in time, it was still what he'd done, and I had to remember that.
The distressed subvocal hummed from his throat again as he watched me, miserable. "You said… that you wished we might have had something. You wished we could try." On the last word, Araxis's voice broke a little, and he had to duck his head again, unable to meet my level gaze.