Chapter 34 – Aftermath
I asked if we could have a nicer room for talking.
At first, none of the justiciar's aides were very helpful, so I did my best to throw my weight around – which, weird, actually seemed to work – because I was finally escorted to an adequate room for a proper tea.
The table was a little too high for abayan customs, but we could still sit next to each other and talk.
I had fussed with my hair that morning for an embarrassing length of time.
I'd folded and unfolded my list until all the creases were worn soft.
I'd even sweet-talked an attendant into connecting to the datasphere on my behalf, and used the instructions they sent me to turn my list into a crane.
I knew the contents off by heart anyway.
I'd brought a stack of papers with me so I'd have something to do with my hands. I thought that might help. It had to. I didn't think I could just look at him and have this conversation.
And then I sat and I waited as the tea steeped on the table.
Araxis didn't keep me waiting long. He arrived, and I looked up from the crease I was folding for the wing.
I didn't smile. Neither did he, his face sombre and white, his eyes like holes in the middle of his angular features.
He looked tired. No, he looked exhausted.
His crest was a bit loose and untidy, and it was that detail – so unlike him – that threatened my resolve most.
"Why don't you sit," I said quietly, looking away from him and going back to my folding. The crane with the questions was resting on my knee. I glanced at it to remind myself why I was here and what I was doing.
I was charting my own path. We were figuring this out together.
Araxis was silent as he moved across the room and settled down on the other cushion I'd put on the floor, on the short side of the table that was adjacent to me.
I thought it was better that we weren't across from one another; that felt combative, while this felt…
I don't know. Like maybe we could come to an understanding.
I heard Araxis swallow next to me. "Are you… well?" he asked, voice hoarse.
I still didn't look up. I finished the crane, setting it on the table to one side.
I poured tea into the two waiting cups and pushed one down the glass surface to rest in front of him.
"I'm fine," I said, picking up my own cup and taking a short sip before setting it down.
It was bitter and bracing, with a lingering taste of smoke.
"Oh, weird. The translator, Valerie, gave this to me.
It's human tea, I guess. I don't know about it. "
Araxis didn't touch his cup, sitting stiffly beside me. I picked up another piece of paper, using the movement to steal a quick glance at his hands which were resting in his lap. There was, I thought, a faint tremble in his long fingers.
"Sashen," he began. "I – you should know that I watched your interview."
My hands stilled. I set the paper, creased into triangles, on the top of the table and pushed it carefully to the side.
"Is your English particularly good then?
" I asked. I'd known they would share it with Araxis – that had been in the literature, and I'd had to sign my own disclosure agreement – but still.
Knowing he'd heard every word I'd said in that room…
"There were subtitles. The translator worked diligently. But – I did not need her translation to understand the… emotional content of your testimony. That transcended language, very clearly."
I sucked on my teeth, staring into the tea sitting in front of me.
Araxis cleared his throat. "I wish to apologize to you, if you are willing to hear it."
Only then did I let myself look up at him. His eyes were wet, gleaming in the lights overhead; his skin matte white; if I focused, I could just make out a faint whine rumbling in his throat.
Instinct crowded in at the edges of my thoughts: I should reach out and touch him; I should comfort him; I should hold him and press my mouth to his and smooth away every bad thing that he'd ever done.
Which was why I couldn't listen to him apologize. I'd forget everything I needed to say if I did. "Maybe later. I have some questions for you first."
To his credit, Araxis only nodded, his stare fixed on his hands where they sat in his lap. I took another sip of tea, my nose wrinkling. I still couldn't tell if I liked it or not. It was perplexing. Then again, everything was perplexing right now.
I took a deep breath, and began. "Did you always plan for me to declare?"
Araxis nodded, just a jerk of his chin. "Yes," he murmured.
"When we first – made our plan, I was meant to broach the subject on the ship.
We would go to the Tournament, you would make your declaration, and you would leave before ever stepping foot on the sands.
It – This is not to say that was good, but…
I always meant to protect you from the worst of it. "
"Hm." I studied him where he sat, his head tipped down. "I think the worst of it, for me, wasn't the violence. It was what you did."
"Yes, I understand."
"So what changed, then?" Because the way he'd approached it, in a scramble, a mad dash at the end when we couldn't even talk, had been a real fucking mess – and I didn't believe for a second it had been the original plan. Vivith didn't make messy plans.
Tension tightened the corner of Araxis's jaw.
"As I – came to know you, and began to understand the life you had lived and what you value most, I realized that you would find being declared to be…
restrictive." Araxis risked a glance up, his stare meeting mine for only a heartbeat before he jerked his chin back down.
"I thought that, instead, you could travel with me to the Tournament, undeclared.
I hoped to have you removed before you entered the arena – Vivith was meant to coordinate with Creche Athal to see if we might arrange that, but I offered for you before they had finalized the agreement.
It was always going to be a difficult negotiation.
I made it impossible. And if I could not keep you from the sands, I always intended to protect you upon them.
That I protected you would still… endear me to our abayan audience, but you would have greater freedom. "
"So instead of talking to me about it," I said, "you decided what I would want and you took care of it."
Araxis was silent. I sat with everything he’d said, turning it over in my mind. He clearly hadn’t known what he was doing, acting on impulse. His was well-intentioned fumbling. "I bet Vivith was pretty pissed."
He fluted out a sharp breath, glancing up at me. "Yes," he admitted. "That is rather understating matters."
"So what changed? Because at some point, you decided that it made the most sense to ask me to declare for you – even though it fucked up whatever your back-up plan with Creche Athal was – without explaining to me what it meant, and then you were awful when I said no.
" I ran my tongue over my teeth, reminding myself not to clench. It was done; the lingering aftertaste of anger and hurt didn’t do me any good.
"I –" He swallowed, the movement visible in the pale column of his throat.
"I was foolish, Sashen. Andiri of Creche Ena – she said some terrible things, and I was headstrong and proud and told her that I would offer for you.
And then, because I had said it on broadcast, I had to follow through.
It was my pride that was hurt when you refused.
Clearly my… ego has been at the root of much suffering. I see that."
I didn't say anything else, giving myself time to process. He'd always planned on my declaration, even though he'd faltered, unsure about whether it was the right thing for me. And then he’d fucked that up too, forcing us into increasingly fraught situations because he wanted to take care of things without ever bringing me in. It was more or less what Valerie had said, and exactly what I’d worried about when we stepped foot onto the judiciary ship: that he’d continue to rush three steps ahead, clearing away problems without ever asking me what I thought or what I wanted.
Well-intentioned fumbling, under the guise of competence and control.
"Did everyone else know?"
He blinked, his head tilting, not understanding.
"On the creche ship," I explained, stomach tight. "Did they all know that you’d – found me, that you were... doing everything you were doing?" Because that added another layer: were my new creche-mates all aware that I’d been manipulated in this way? I wasn’t sure my ego could take that.
How could I live alongside an entire group of people who thought of me as such an easy mark?
Araxis shook his head. "They knew I had learned of a human virra I intended to court.
But it is only Vivith and I who know the entire scope of how I have harmed you.
" He swallowed, then, stare cutting away across the room to nothingness.
"Though perhaps they should know – certainly, my creche-mates would be rightfully ashamed of my conduct; they would not wish me to be head of Creche Thiel, though we have few other options. I will leave the choice to you."
"I’m not telling them." I didn’t want anyone to hear this story, to realize how big of a fool I’d been, how desperate and how gullible.
But it was important to know, moving forward, stexactly where I stood with Creche Thiel and with other abaya – both for my own peace of mind and for what I expected would come next.
"So I’m declared for you," I said, further resolved in my plan. "And as far as everyone is concerned – in Creche Thiel and in Xitera – it’s because I fell in love with you and you offered to bring me into the creche. Is that right?"