Chapter 4 #5
I looked to the floor, blinking furiously at the carpet. It felt like the centre of my chest was a black hole, like all the feeling in the universe was being pulled into it and then obliterated, atom by atom.
I heard Araxis shift in place. He moved closer; I could track the sound of his tentative footsteps on the carpet. The muscles of my shoulders and arms tensed as he drew nearer.
I didn't want him close right now. I wanted – I wanted to vanish. Just wink out of existence. I'd been trying so hard for weeks. And for what?
"Would you –" Araxis stopped, his voice soft, hushed.
A whine of tension hummed beneath the words, not quite distress but close.
I could feel him next to me, like he distorted all the magnetic fields around me; like my body was so attuned to his that even proximity made my hairs stand up.
"Would you like to go on a date with me? "
I sucked in a hard breath. A shiver ran down my spine, not because I was cold but from an overflow of some emotion I was having a hard time naming. "A date?" I asked, hoarse.
"Yes," said Araxis, firm. "Dating is not something abaya do. But – I understand it can be important to others. It's something many humans do, and some other species. It's a way to… get to know each other better? So that you might… learn about my culture and who I am? Is that what you wish, Sashen?"
My throat was tight and hot. "That really depends," I said, slowly raising my face so that I looked at him, my stare meeting his. I knew mine had to be glassy; I knew my jaw was tight enough that he'd see. "Do you want to share any of that with me?"
Araxis's eyelids fluttered, a tremble. "Yes," he murmured. "I wish to share everything with you, Sashen. However you will have me, I am yours."
Was he? I couldn't say but I didn't want to argue so I nodded anyway, wrung out and exhausted.
"And – you're upset that I am not speaking with you more frequently," Araxis continued, the skin around his eyes pinching. "You were – upset that I didn't ask you about going to the theatre. You wish I’d reached out about the theatre. You would like me to reach out more often."
I nodded again, able to admit that much to myself at least – and, I suppose, to Araxis.
"I –" He fluted out a sigh, black stare cutting away for a moment.
"Where I struggle, Sashen, is with separating the work I do with you for the creche from…
the two of us. I don't wish to impose, not after I – after I so resolutely failed to respect your autonomy, after I entirely failed to honour and cherish you in the way you deserve.
I am trying to follow where you lead, but I can see now that I have instead left you alone.
I can see that I have gotten it all wrong, yet again. "
My hands curled at my side, clenching and unclenching.
I shrugged. It wasn't like I'd gotten it very right either, and I knew it.
It was a lot like being at the Tournament, being unable to speak to each other in a way that really mattered, except this time it wasn't being on camera that was holding us back.
It was all the shit that had come before.
I understood why he wanted to tread carefully, and I appreciated it – but in an effort to give me space to stand on my own, he'd gone awfully far toward pushing me out the door.
If we could start everything all over again – If he wanted to take me on a date –
I lifted my wrist, tapping at the interface and opening up Araxis's contact data, which meant opening a long green chain of messages about upcoming meetings and additions or modifications to our shared calendar.
"I have – a proposal," I said, voice hoarse as if I'd been yelling although I hadn't so much as raised my voice.
It was like emotion had scraped my throat raw, left me as an open wound.
I called up a new message thread, colour coding the whole thing pink.
"How about, any time we want to talk not in a work way, we can do it here?
" I tapped out a quick message and sent it to him.
He pulled up the message immediately, the pink glow softening his features and reflecting in the inky blackness of his eyes. "It is like the paper notes," Araxis tried, glancing up.
"Yeah," I said, soft. "Just like that. For the two of us."
He closed the interface and nodded once, a sharp jerk of his chin. "Then yes, Sashen, I think it's a good idea." He made an effort to smile, but it was unsteady in a way that made my chest ache.
I nodded again, exhausted. "I'm going to shower," I said. "And then I'm going to try and get some sleep. I know the meeting tomorrow will be long."
Araxis inclined his head, stepping back toward the display board.
"Yes," he said. "I am still compiling notes for it.
And – I have been working to put together the information you requested, Sashen.
And I will share the briefing I received on the arrests; I will translate it first. Anything you wish to know, I will tell you.
I will share it all. I do not wish for there to be any secrets or silences between us, except the ones you would like to keep. I – It is your prerogative."
I could see him start to spiral, uncertain again, worried he was pushing too far, too fast, presuming too much.
I might have said something to calm him down, to assure him, but I didn't have it in me.
So I just shrugged out of my clothes and headed to the shower, where I let the hot water scour away every feeling that had just been pulsing beneath my skin, all the pain thrashing about in my chest. I still had deep bruises from training that Rodil said the knitter couldn't help with, places I'd hurt that would take time to heal.
And I felt, that night, like that might be the case with Araxis, too.
Like I just needed time to feel better – for the injuries to heal. I needed time. We did.
I'd wanted a contract so that I had protection in place if I needed it.
So that I might have some structure to help me untangle what I felt from everything else.
But I thought, just then, that maybe I'd been so fixated on the contract and my work that I'd forgotten I had also wanted to see if we could salvage the thing between us.
If I could love him in a way that was good for me, and if he could love me in the way I needed.
When I was rinsing the rest of the soap from my body, my wristband made a soft chime. I flicked open the screen and found a soft pink message waiting for me. Would you care to join me for an outing tomorrow afternoon? For a date. I know you have the afternoon off, so you may have other plans.
I tapped over to my calendar, letting the stream of water pound into the tight muscles of my shoulders. We had that early meeting, then I'd booked a session at Tam's. I started to respond that I was busy but –
I'll move some things around, I replied.
Here's when I'm free. I sent him the newly cleared block in my schedule, sending a quick note to Tam as well to rearrange our session for later in the day.
If I saw Inmadra first and then went to see Tam, and then circled back to the apartment to compile another report for Perseus, I could probably get back before the creche dinner that had been on the books for awhile.
I could do it all. I was sure I could.
When I came out of the shower, Araxis was shifting files between his wristband and the display board.
He flushed a pretty pink, his head half-turning to take me in as I stepped into the closet and pulled on some light clothes for sleeping.
I waffled for a bit on whether or not to bother with the shirt, and decided against it.
I liked it best when he could press himself against my bare skin so I could feel the rumble of his purr filling my rib cage, familiar and comforting.
I dropped heavily into bed, cocooning myself in the blankets.
Araxis dimmed the lights in the room to the softest, gentlest pink, while he still stood by the pulsing display.
"I will not be long," he murmured, drifting over to the bed to pull another of the blankets across me.
He looked, for a moment, like he was thinking of sitting down, of pressing a soft kiss against my mouth –
But he only smiled before returning to the omnipresent display. I rolled so that my back was to him and let my eyes drift shut, willing myself to fall asleep – and to have a dreamless sleep.
I thought I had earned that much, and although the day had been hard, I must have been exhausted enough that even my nightmares decided to cut me some slack.