Chapter 5
Firmament
The morning meeting was predictably difficult.
Araxis must have been up all night, because when I woke up, the promised document was waiting for me with details on all of the major players in the Assembly – affiliations, political leanings, what he and Vivith had flagged as likely trading resources and needs, names of heads of house and any additional trivia he'd been able to scrape together.
I'd also skimmed the briefing Araxis had received about Nizanin's presence on Sozamia.
I knew it was coming from Xitera so it was propaganda, but it was illuminating propaganda: the Unbound were expected to try to recruit crecheless abaya to their cause, which was, from what I could glean by reading between the very few and mostly vague lines, overthrowing the modern Assembly and trying to restore some sort of traditional system that was considered, by the powers that be, archaic, violent, and dangerous.
It was impossible for me to know how much of that was true, so I resolved to ask Araxis more about it later when the Unbound came up next.
Although given that he'd been outside of Xitera for a long time, it was hard to say if he'd know any more than I did.
Armed with my dossier, which was beautifully organized and meticulously compiled, I'd spent the brief window before our meeting devouring every scrap of information I could while also shovelling porridge into my mouth as the kids chattered happily about the field trip they were taking to the botanical gardens in Central Ward.
I'd have rather done that than sitting in the meeting room for an hours-long meeting over fuzzed out relays.
Tragically, it quickly became clear that the cinelaat from Creche Nozathe who we were primarily negotiating with for support on Creche Thiel's formal petition didn't have a strong grasp on Standard, and the deep space relays didn't help with the ease of conversation.
The whole meeting quickly shifted to abayan with so much specialized legal and cultural terminology that I couldn't follow – although, I reminded myself as I sat there and tried not to fidget, at least I was able to listen to the cadence of the language. That was still helpful.
We took a brief break for each side of the call to make more tea, which would also set negotiations back by at least by half an hour. Tea always seemed to be a bit of a reset button.
"This is painful," I complained to Araxis in our bedroom, while Vivith made tea and I tried to stretch out my spine. Then, because it was good to practice, I said it again in abayan.
He trilled, eyes crescenting as he smiled at me, but it was a laugh of delight rather than judgment. "This is an unpleasant labour," he supplied. "Painful is for physical hurt – although there has been a great deal of sitting."
I repeated back the sentence and he nodded. "Speaking of," I tried, "If I'm just sitting there – and I'm only asking because I'm not sure I'm even on camera, Araxis – do you think I could do some of my worksheets?"
He blinked at me, head tilting.
"My language worksheets," I supplied. I grabbed the datapad I usually used, along with the little stylus that let me write my answers for the free-form questions.
I'd picked it up after I'd gotten my first homework from Inmadra; writing things down usually forced my brain to slow down enough to actually learn.
And she'd said she wouldn't even begin teaching me the abayan alphabet – tragically, not phonetic, so it was going to be a struggle – until my writing as a whole improved.
"It might look like I'm taking notes. Is that alright? "
"Of course," Araxis said automatically.
I squinted at him. "Are you just saying that, or will it really be fine?"
"Sashen, Lauvis of Creche Athal has told me that Zirric spends most meetings watching videos or playing arcade games on a datapad.
I gather it is understood to be quite charming.
" His lips quirked. "I think your studiousness, whether note-taking or working on your proficiency with our language, will be more than alright. I think you will impress any who see."
Huh. Well. "So I could take notes in the other meetings?" That would be useful. It was so hard to remember the minutiae, which seemed to be most of what Perseus was interested in.
"Yes," said Araxis, firm. "Or bring readings or activities, educational or not."
"Well, I'm not going to bring anything that's not relevant. I'm here to help you. I can only do that if I understand who everyone is and what they want, and if I understand what they're saying when they can't speak Standard – and what words aren't translating even if they do."
Araxis's eyes shimmered as he watched me, a curious expression on his face. Something unfamiliar.
I realized, with a distant jolt, that it might be pride.
Heat immediately flushed up my neck. "I'm not saying I know much," I continued, flustered, "but I did spend a decade in a marn den.
I know how important it is to understand all of the terms before going into a negotiation.
And – I'm never going to know more than you or Vivith, or even half of what you know, but… maybe I could make some suggestions?"
"You bring a wealth of knowledge and many skills to our creche," Araxis murmured. "And you are studious, and you are kind, and you are beautiful. We are beyond fortunate to have you, Sashen. You are the greatest treasure of our creche and you will be beyond compare in Xitera."
I let the praise wash over me, a frisson following it that was nearly a shiver. As if my body didn't know what to do with that much affection and warmth. As if it was too much for me to contain.
But across from me, Araxis had frowned. "I do not mean to imply that you belong to us," he corrected, looking away. "Nor that you should – that you must stay if you do not wish to. I do not mean –"
I exhaled, some of the warmth draining away.
I stepped forward, reaching to catch his wrist in my hand.
"Stop," I said, voice low. His skin was cool beneath my fingers, and I squeezed.
"Don't say something nice and then ruin it by trying to walk it back.
Let me enjoy the nice thing. You know, everyone's quick to say how pretty I am.
I like being told I have other things going for me too. "
The door to the meeting room slid open behind Araxis as I looked up at him, close enough that I could see the faint texture of his skin, that I could smell incense and spice.
"Coshil is ready to begin again," said Vivith.
I glanced past Araxis to where they stood in the doorway, their black stare raking over the two of us.
Araxis half-turned his head to look at them from the corner of his eye, his body still angled fully toward mine, his wrist perfectly still in my grasp. "Gratitude, Vivith," he murmured in abayan. "We will be there soon."
They muttered something under their breath and shut the door firmly.
Araxis looked back, studying me as heat prickled up the back of my neck.
Something about his attention felt particularly intense, like standing too close to a fire, but also like I could never get close enough.
Like maybe he was seeing something in me he hadn't seen before, and I still couldn't name what that was, too close to it to see it myself.
"I do not tell you enough how much I cherish and admire you," Araxis said, voice low.
He was still beneath my fingers, the contact almost electric.
I let my thumb shift, just slightly, so that I could stroke the soft skin on the inside of his wrist, and his breath actually hitched at that tiny movement.
As if he was as in tune with my body as I was with his.
"I have not wanted to – to apply pressure where it is not wanted. But you must know, Sashen, that I –"
He stopped, purple tongue flicking out to his lower lip, struggling for a moment with what he wanted to say.
"What must I know?" I asked, stroking his wrist again. A little tremble shook his hand at the touch.
"You must know that I think of you every moment you are not by my side.
I think of you constantly. I wish to always be near you.
Hm, I say you must know," his mouth twisted a little, unhappy, a whine of something like distress beneath the words, "but I must have failed to make that clear, for you to feel as you do.
I will correct that, beloved. Though – you will tell me if it's too much? Too sinnenthi?"
I exhaled a breath that was somewhere on the way to a laugh. "That's a very entinn question. But yeah," I said. "I'll tell you if it's too much."
He nodded and we headed back into the meeting room, my hand reluctantly dropping away from his wrist. As I sat there, staring at my grammar worksheet, I couldn't help but also turn over the conversation with Araxis.
He was, I thought, trying, as best he could.
And what else could I want, really? What I'd mistaken for indifference was reticence.
The distance that I found simultaneously intolerable and necessary – space to breathe, and space to feel lonely all at once – was Araxis's attempt at being gentle and careful.
He was sometimes too careful, but how could he know unless I told him?
Before the Tournament, I'd been surprised by his confidence when he'd seemed so shy at first. And it was like I'd almost forgotten that he had been shy and hesitant during that first week we spent together.
He'd been unsure, uncertain how to proceed.
I'd been expecting him to have more clarity: like, because we knew each other, because we'd fucked a handful of times, because I'd declared for him, because the truth was out between us, he'd be the confident Araxis.