Chapter 5 #3
"I mean, that's part of it," I said carefully, not particularly wanting to think about what had happened to Mirah-Nadira and if she'd ended up married with children or if she'd been relegated to work herself to death in one of the factories or mines on-planet.
"Although even if I was attracted to women, the issue is that I'm also attracted to other people.
To different genders, and entirely different species.
And then there's the rest of me that they didn't like either. "
"That you like to have sex," said Araxis, his features pinched with confusion. “And that you’re unashamed.”
I laughed, weary. "There's that, sure, and I'm also just not a particularly masculine person.
" I had to use the English word; there wasn't one in Standard that worked.
"It's kind of like being skoshas, I guess. My gender is man, and I guess that’s how I feel, but I don't read in the way everyone on Seraphim expected.
There are things I do – how I talk, sometimes, or how I move, what I'm interested in, how I relate to people – that seem more like…
a woman? On Seraphim anyway. I don't think it's that way everywhere. "
I didn't particularly like talking about this, just like I didn't like the way that unpacking it made my heart stutter uncomfortably, my lungs a little breathless. I chewed on the inside of my cheek, biting down hard enough to hurt. That helped.
"Hm. And how did they expect you to act?"
How the fuck did I explain masculinity or how it had been implicit in everything we did on Seraphim?
"Uh – well, I guess… Strict? Confident? Intellectual instead of emotional?
Men are the religious and community leaders, so they – take charge too.
They have authority and make decisions. Maybe like arkathi?
Women, on the other hand, are supposed to be submissive and soft, gentle and emotional.
Nurturing." There was a thought; I almost laughed, thinking of my mother. "Not that they all are."
"I would imagine not. And these two categories are meant to somehow contain all of the people of Seraphim?" He looked bewildered.
It wasn't like having eleven genders solved that problem – and of course Araxis knew that.
"I think the problem with any system is that there are going to be a lot of people who don't fit tidily into boxes, and if they don't fit into boxes, then everyone who is emotionally attached to those categories loses their shit, and that's why we have things like re-education camps and…
crecheless abaya." Then, because I really didn't want to think about Seraphim any more, I steered us in another direction with a firm hand.
"So, no, I haven't dated anyone. And you haven't dated anyone, obviously. Abaya don't date. So – what do you do?"
"You're correct. We do not date," Araxis said, "but we do court.
There are some similarities, but I gather that dating is different in that the intent from the outset is not necessarily a long-term partnership.
It is an exploration. Courtship has a clear end in mind.
It is an opportunity to demonstrate one's worthiness to be a romantic partner, one's capacity to meet the needs of another. "
I turned that over in my mind, uneasy. He'd courted me before, I knew that much, just like I knew how easy it was to get swept up in the romance of that cultural practice.
I wasn't sure if I wanted that again. I wasn't sure if I wanted that right now, or if I ever would.
If he was going on a date with me, was Araxis also courting me?
Could he court someone who'd already declared for him?
"Huh. Sounds serious," I said, distant.
Some of my trepidation must have leaked through, because Araxis tilted his head, his smile in place even if it looked just a little sadder. "You will note that I am taking you on a date, Sashen," he intoned. "Don't be presumptuous."
It was exactly what I needed to hear. I scoffed and he escorted me to the private shuttle that was waiting for us at the transit station, while I launched into an overview – maybe a little frantic – of everything I knew about other cultures' rituals and practices around dating and courtship.
Thankfully, it was something I knew about in pretty exhaustive detail.
I had a lot of encyclopedias saved to the datasphere; that's where any of my spare credits, few though they were, had gone when I'd been at the den.
By the time we arrived in Glimmer Ward, I'd almost entirely forgotten that I had mixed feelings about – doing this, I guess.
As our conversation drifted pleasantly from topic to topic while we were tucked side-by-side in the little shuttle that zipped along the outside of Sozamia Station, it was almost possible for me to believe that we'd somehow reversed the past, that we had stumbled into an alternate timeline in which this was a date, in which we were just getting to know each other.
We docked at one of the exterior transit stations of Glimmer Ward and immediately walked into a frenetic spill of lights, crowds, and a dozen different types of music throbbing from a dozen different arcades and clubs.
I shoved my hands into the pockets of my jumpsuit, threading through the crowd as Araxis led us down one of the thoroughfares with its spill of colour, conversation, and pulsing neon.
"Have you been down here before?" I asked, jogging to catch up as he walked with purpose.
I'd already spotted a few heads and other appendages craning in our direction. I knew what that meant, but if Araxis hadn't been out of Verdant Ward yet –
"I have been to Glimmer Ward before," he said, his skin glowing a lush blue as we passed beneath a massive shimmering sign advertising the finest dancers within. "On a supply run, well before the Tournament. Do not worry, Sashen: I know where we're going."
We climbed up a metal walkway that split the avenue into an upper and lower tier – which also meant that the avenue narrowed as it connected us to the different levels of Glimmer Ward.
And proximity, I had learned, went a long way toward dissolving any reticence people had about approaching someone who'd been on broadcast once and was therefore, weirdly, a bit of a public figure.
"Not why I was asking," I said, reaching to catch his bicep. Across the walkway, a cluster of people – a ketaari, a brin, and a dalloid – started to beeline toward us. They looked young. I tightened my fingers on Araxis's arm. "Incoming," I murmured.
His hand drifted to his side where he might have had his iridescent sword on a different day.
I laughed, surprised. "No, they're fans," I added, and then they descended on us.
I took a half-step forward, just ahead of Araxis who looked, in a flash, deeply uncomfortable and unsettled while the teenagers – I was sure, now, that they were teenagers – peppered us with questions and then launched into a long list of things we had to do on Sozamia Station that were interesting and underground and by invitation only.
The ketaari, bold, even insisted that I give her my contact information.
"You could come dancing with us, you know," she offered generously, the charms along the back of her head tinkling. "Humans aren't usually allowed in Volt, but I know the bouncer."
"That sounds wonderful," I said with my best marn den smile on. "Why don't you give me your information and I'll forward it to my manager, and she'll reach out to Volt and arrange an appropriate appearance fee."
The ketaari's broad mouth flattened in her version of a smile, and she chortled with amusement. "You see?" she said to her friends, "I told you that the ancestors played a great joke when they put a ketaari soul inside of a human body."
We gently extricated ourselves after taking a photo together, which had the effect of making other people along the walkway stare at us and do a double-take when they recognized us from broadcast. The cluster of teenagers became a stream of people who wanted to chat and get autographs and take photos and ask us a thousand questions about what had happened on broadcast and how things were going between us – as if they knew either of us at all.
Araxis was wedged against the railing, and I'd put myself in front of him so that the crowd had to come through me first.
After all, I knew how to handle this kind of thing. Araxis – well –
I spared him a glance, and he was pale beneath the glow of neon lights all around us, his eyes wide.
A brin tried to engage him in conversation, reaching out to stroke a hand down his shoulder – they're a handsy people – and I put myself in the way immediately.
"It's so nice to meet all of you," I said loudly, "but we're on a date.
We don't get much time together these days, just the two of us.
" I made myself glow in Araxis's direction, and he flushed immediately – which had the desired effect of having the crowd who'd clustered around us make soft sounds of approval and, in a couple cases, resigned disappointment, the overly familiar brin among them.
I reached and grabbed Araxis's hand, threading us through the dissipating crowd and taking the first walkway that led from the main thoroughfare to the balcony of stores and businesses built into the towering height of Glimmer Ward.
As I tugged Araxis after me, he looked a little dazed, which was far more endearing than it needed to be.
"I should have warned you," I said, grinning.
He fluted out a long, weary breath. "I hadn't realized we would be quite so – distinct."
I laughed, bumping his shoulder with mine, my hand still holding his. "A human and an abaya? It’s barely been a month since the Tournament aired. I know broadcast is fleeting, but we've got a couple more weeks of infamy, I'm sure. Are we close to the gallery, anyway?"
He nodded. "Another block, on this side of the thoroughfare."