Chapter 14 #6
I had to take him at his word. And it was better to know, wasn't it? "I guess we're not having sex," I said. "Isn't it nice to know how invested everyone is in things that aren't their business in the slightest?"
Araxis stiffened next to me, before reaching for a slice of fruit with a fluted sigh. "I – had not heard that, no. Although I am not surprised Vivith would choose to… elide that particular piece of gossip."
I watched him. "Why?"
He shook his head, cutting his dark stare back toward me. "Vivith would be happiest if we were playacting. They would certainly like to discourage – this." He raised one elegant hand and flicked it between the two of us.
Well, they'd changed their tune. Vivith had selected me for this exact purpose, back before we'd ever met.
Although given what they'd said at our last little sit-down, maybe I shouldn't have been surprised.
They definitely hated me, and they were suspicious of me.
How their sudden antipathy toward my relationship with Araxis – Connection?
Bond? I still didn't fucking know – would affect creche dynamics was something new to dread.
And apparently Vivith wasn't the only one who had opinions on what Araxis and I shared.
"So who the fuck started the rumours?" I asked. I picked idly at some of the food, nibbling away and trying not to make it too clear that I was trying to sit in a way that didn't make my ribs throb.
"Vivith believes we have a spy among our new members," Araxis said quietly as I kept my face perfectly, beautifully neutral thanks to years and years of practice, "although I do not necessarily agree.
Anyone who saw your bare neck might make guesses.
Rumours often begin as speculation. That they have stumbled onto something close to…
some truth is only coincidence. Other creches might gossip all they like, Sashen.
Our connection is of no concern to them, and I am not bothered by idle chatter.
I care only for what you think and feel. "
I didn't know what to say to that, so I took a sip of tea instead and turned it all over in my mind while I tried not to react to Vivith's conjecture.
Because we did have a spy in our midst, although that spy wasn't at the root of these rumours.
There weren't any rumours circulating about how badly I did on my grammar worksheets, after all, or how irritating I found Creche Thiel's young cinelaat.
"Is that why everyone was so weird when I first arrived?" I asked, choosing the safest route forward.
Araxis shrugged with one shoulder, chewing idly on another slice of fruit.
"I suspect they may not have been certain how to respond until I arrived.
Given what they've likely read about you these past weeks – from the Tournament, and about the fines, and the attack – and then these particular rumours about our relationship, I would imagine it was…
uncertainty. You are unknown and different than any might have anticipated.
Without a clear sense of how to interact with you, they would choose silence.
They would ignore you until they had more information to guide their interactions.
" He huffed, looking amused. "Abaya are very good at being weird, as you say, about many things.
When someone makes an atonement, even if they see others that they know, inside or outside of their own creche, they are not spoken to or acknowledged; this is how my people address those outside of scripted behaviours. "
“Well, that’s certainly a choice,” I said, dry.
Araxis’s smile sharpened. "Yes, you can see why I have always been enamoured of your – direct nature."
I laughed. "Yeah, well, if you want a loudmouth, come and find me. But – should I have just waited for you to arrive? Should I make sure we always go into events and things together?"
"I wouldn't have thought it necessary," Araxis admitted.
"But then I did not anticipate this reaction.
Perhaps I should have. I begin to realize that I often struggle to understand the expectations of my own culture.
The way in which I came of age, the behaviours and expectations and beliefs I've come to think of as normal are… not. In truth, sometimes I think travelling to Xitera will be as foreign to me as it will be to you. Ah –” He paused, shaking his head minutely with a wince.
“That is thoughtless of me. Of course it is different for you; it is more complex, the culture and language unfamiliar. I apologize, Sashen, I –"
I settled one hand on his thigh, squeezing. "I know what you're saying. And at least we can figure it out together. And Inmadra can tell us if we're being idiots. Abaya might not be particularly upfront, but she'll definitely call us out. It's one of the reasons I like her so much."
He nodded, silvering a little as he looked at me.
"Yes. She spent many years as a cultural liaison to several ketaar polities.
I expect she learned a great deal about being blunt and patient during her time there.
" His stare drifted away before he said, soft, "Vivith will be returning tomorrow. I thought you would wish to know."
I sagged a little; I couldn't help it. I really had enjoyed my Vivith-free sojourn.
"I know they do not treat you well," Araxis said, guilt sharpening his features as he shifted, uncomfortable; his leg moved away from mine. "I am uncertain how best to proceed."
I mean, in an ideal world, Vivith would just stop being such a bitch all of the time.
In a less ideal world, they'd ignore me entirely.
But I suspected that I wouldn't get either of those realities, and I hated how torn Araxis was, pulled between his desire to make amends with me and his deep connection to his hatch-mate, fraught though it was.
I sighed, tipping my knee against his so that we were still touching.
"It's fine," I said, willing it to be true.
"I know what Vivith is like. It's not like I got along with everyone I worked with at Alet Trident's either.
And I have a few more connections now so it shouldn't be quite as hard to deal with. "
That was a lie: in fact, I'd made it my business to get along with everyone at the den and while, sure, I'd realized when I left that those relationships for the most part hadn't been particularly deep or genuine, we'd all still gotten along.
I was good at making people like me. Vivith was a notable exception in the scope of my life – my life outside of Seraphim, anyway.
And no matter how hard I tried, they remained suspicious.
Which was made worse by the fact that they were right that I was hiding something.
But I wasn't hiding being an evil genius, just a half-assed cultural informant who mostly wrote to his contact about his conflicted feelings for his genderqueer space prince and whether it was stupid to continue falling in love with someone who'd hurt him so badly.
"And speaking of hard things to deal with," I continued, "Can we talk for a minute about that Zivanis sinnenthi?"
Araxis actually scowled. "I am certain they were trying to provoke me. I know you wish to have autonomy to address your own needs, Sashen, but if they continue to speak about you like that, I will find it nearly impossible to refrain from action."
"Yes, surely someone needs to defend my virtue." I laughed, then downed the rest of my tea. "Maybe they'll be better behaved in the morning when they haven't had as much to drink. I... don't suppose Vivith is coming for the meeting?"
"No. After."