Chapter 14 #7
"Thank fuck," I breathed, and Araxis trilled. We tidied everything up on the tray, and I took it to the counter before joining Araxis outside as we started our way back to the creche.
"Although –" Araxis asked after we'd walked only a little way, "what is a Khedean pleasure ring?" He said the words like they were utterly foreign to his tongue. I suppose they were, which struck me as funny on at least a couple of levels.
I grinned, hooking my arm around his and stepping in close in the cool ward air. "That's the kind of thing you might want to add to your research."
"Is it unique to humans?"
My grin grew even wider. "Oh, definitely not. Although it's certainly helpful for humans in my line of work. My former line of work. But it can be, you know, for work or pleasure. Sometimes both."
"Hm." Araxis was clearly pretending he hadn't flushed a pretty pink, so I decided to humour him and pretend I hadn't noticed. "So that sinnenthi was thinking about taking you to bed."
"Or another horizontal surface. Or a vertical one. I've been told I'm good up against a wall."
He shot me a look. "You are very good against a wall.
However, now that I understand what they were saying, I'm afraid I'm going to have to challenge them to a duel tomorrow.
It is unfortunate, but." His mouth twitched, amused.
"I would like to impress my virra with my prowess.
He is impressive in his own right, after all. "
It was my turn to flush a little as we picked our way home. "Did you want me to arrange for some media to be there? We could make a whole event of it."
"Yes, yes, you're right," intoned Araxis. "I should not consider such a thing before we can assure we will have meaningful coverage. For our metrics."
"Anything for the metrics," I sighed, and then we laughed and made our way home.
I'd barely gotten ready for bed when Araxis was pulled away to an impromptu video call with someone important on Thelessia about the state of the creche manor.
"You won't be long though, right?" I yawned as he went to step out of the room to another office deep in the suite to take the call.
Araxis turned to look at me as I settled into bed, the room dim around me. I couldn't make out his features, but I could see the way his head tilted as he watched me. And I was certain, deep in my bones, that he was smiling. "I cannot say," he murmured, voice low and gentle.
"I'll wait up." After all, I'd liked how the evening had gone, despite how it had started.
I'd liked kissing him; I'd liked touching him; I'd liked the clench of anticipation when he looked at me, his hands skimming along the shape of my waist. Maybe we could fool around a bit more, or maybe I could rest my head on his chest and listen to him purr as I drifted off to sleep. Maybe both; why couldn't I have both?
"Please don't," Araxis said, quiet. "We have tomorrow.
I've gone ahead and rearranged our training for later in the day.
We'll meet with Creche Zivanis, then there is a provisioner we must speak with about finalizing the delivery timeline, then we might train and then you have the evening off.
Which – Ah, I should not be speaking of it at all. You're finished work."
"This isn't work," I murmured, stretching and rubbing at my burning eyes, pretending I didn't wince when the muscles flexed over my ribs. "This is just life. I don't mind."
He hovered there for a moment longer, and the longer he stood there, a familiar outline, the more I wanted – something.
Something I couldn't quite articulate, although I understand better now what it was I was feeling.
I wanted to tell him that I loved him, and that I was tired of pretending like there were two parts of my life; I wanted to tell him that I was ready to start taking down the wall I'd built between who I was and who we were; I was ready, I thought, to let him in.
I wanted to say that I thought I could hear his apology now, that my heart felt ready.
That what was worse, now, was trying to pretend like I didn't feel lit up by a hundred thousand motes of light when he touched me or leaned his mouth close to me to whisper some confidence.
I wanted to confess it all, there in our dark room, but the moment I opened my mouth to let some of it slip out, he dipped his head and left me there, a thousand unsaid things still sitting on my tongue.
I blinked at the dark place where he'd stood, and I nestled into bed a bit further. It was better, probably, to think more about all of that anyway, not to make decisions with my head all fuzzy with sleep and exhaustion and the warmth of affection.
I had another day off in a few days anyway.
I'd clear my schedule for that day so that, when Araxis offered to apologize, I could say yes, and he could say what he needed to say and I could – Well.
I could forgive him. And then we could fuck all day, like we deserved. Stars, we deserved a day off, together.
I held on to that dream while I laid there in bed, certain I'd stay awake until Araxis came back – but of course I fell asleep the moment my head hit the pillow.