Chapter 31 #2
It was to a chorus of Valerie's bright laughter, fuzzing with static across the distance of deep space, that Araxis joined us, looking surprised to walk into a room in which I was half-naked and another human was hovering on the digital display.
Valerie made her greetings – which was hilarious; Araxis clearly hadn't actually laid eyes on her before because he'd observed politely that he'd been unaware human crests came in such vibrant colours, before glancing at me to check if he'd made friends appropriately – and then she started walking Araxis through how to handle my injuries.
While he'd been busy meticulously tending to the worst of the energy burns, Val had made her pitch.
We're pretty close to a breakthrough in Maelstrom engines, specifically with the piloting interface, Val had said with the confidence of someone who'd told a similar lie a hundred times.
What we're doing requires some pretty uncommon minerals, but we have some impressive mines out in the ass-end of the universe.
We'll need partners, though, and I'm particularly inclined to consider teaming up with people who are invested in making things less shit.
Most people don't want to give humans much of a chance, thanks to Seraphim ruining our reputation as a species, so we'd also prefer to work with someone who understands that we actually have a lot to offer, galactically speaking.
I knew, of course, that there were a lot of silences in her explanations, things she wasn't saying, but as she talked, Araxis's fingers cool on my skin, I could see him perk up with some interest.
By the time we ended the call, I was back in my layers of clothes and Araxis was headed to the helm to reroute our course for our new rendezvous.
I took the time left in the day to carefully unpack the things that I'd gathered from our suite and distribute them among our creche-mates.
Everyone could use a little something to cheer them up, I thought.
It was only when I started making my way through the ship that I realized that I hadn't thought to stop in Vivith's room.
I sat with that, guilty, as I hovered outside of Thodin's bunk after checking on him.
And I felt even worse because, out of everyone, it was Vivith who'd tried to stop what happened at the warehouse, and who had prevented it from being worse.
Vivith hadn't told our creche-mates about the assault the night after it happened, still not trusting them, which bought everyone time; Rodil only found out because Araxis reached out to discuss stab wounds at some point in the night once he roused from the deep sleep I'd put him in.
If Rodil had been given more time to plan, things could have been even worse.
And when Crozani had struck down Avelthe, it was Vivith who put themself between the other Naival guards and the rest of the creche; they'd taken a nasty slashing wound across their shoulder as a result, but they managed to talk everyone down.
It was hard for me to believe that Vivith could do that – they'd certainly never tried to deescalate around me, and I was pretty sure if I'd been there, Vivith would have happily used me as a meat shield – but I guess it was possible that, much like Vivith looked at me and saw only one facet of who I was, maybe I'd also missed out on some of their...
qualities. The thought even occurred to me, as I wandered about the ship nursing my own guilt, that if I weren't so difficult for Vivith to like, they might have stayed and surely Vivith would have realized what Rodil was up to before they'd gotten their hooks into the tender belly of Creche Thiel.
Vivith might not have been my favourite person, but I had every confidence that they were good at what they did, even if what they did was mostly being difficult and suspicious.
And now that I knew Vivith had saved the lives of many of our creche-mates, both with their wariness and by putting their own body on the line, seeing the evidence that I hadn't spared them a second thought, despite knowing that they'd been injured, was hard to swallow.
Elethenn had said I was kind. But had I been with Vivith?
Although it wasn't like they'd been particularly generous with me either, and it wasn’t like they were working to make things better between us.
So instead of talking to them or anyone else about our fucked up relationship, I did my level best to stay out of Vivith's way and I was shocked to realize that they were doing the same.
The ship felt... weird. Rodil's betrayal hung heavy in the air, a ghost whose dimensions I couldn't fully make out, even as I felt the lingering chill and could see how it was affecting my creche-mates.
Yalrinn and Evreni were grieving – the entire creche was – and Elethenn was being summarily ignored, now that everyone had been told he would be making an atonement, although the details as to why were reserved for the other arkathi. And me, I guess.
In truth, they seemed a lot less pissed off about the whole thing than I did.
"Why aren't you madder?" I'd asked Inmadra one day after we'd wrapped up our lessons.
She'd ignored me until I asked again in abayan, or maybe she just wanted more time to think about how to answer.
"Because I am filled with – with great fury," I'd tried.
Abaya didn't shrug, except for Araxis who did it for me. But Inmadra did tilt her head in a particular way that was equivalent. "It was atonement," she'd said, as if that explained anything.
"Yeah, but –" I caught myself. "Elethenn might have said something. Something is greater than nothing."
Inmadra had looked at me, then, studying me with her unflinching black stare as her mouth flattened.
"Hm. Some might have been able to, but Elethenn lacks the confidence one expects of a sinnenthi.
That will come with time. He did not have the benefit of training for his role as a youth.
" She'd paused, and then switched to Standard, which I knew meant she wanted me to understand the cultural lesson that followed more than the linguistic one.
"One of our old stories speaks of a cinelaat who left his creche to lead another – and it is said that, when these two great creches met upon the battlefield, he could not find a path forward.
Meshos laid down upon the field of battle in despair.
His body became fire and ash, as a star upon the blood-soaked soil, and all the orchards for a thousand miles were rendered barren.
We say to be torn between the creche of one's hatching and the creche of one's choosing is to immolate.
" She added the translation in Standard to the sharp-edged abayan word.
"Some might bear the turmoil, but for many it is agony.
I would never have expected a former member of Creche Hanalthi to choose to declare for Creche Thiel; some might say that such a declaration invites immolation.
But Creche Thiel is unlike any other: there will be many who choose to risk such keen agony because of all that our Araxis offers. "
"And what about you?" I'd asked. "If – I don't know, I might not be allowed to ask that."
Inmadra's talons had ticked on the meeting room table for a moment as she exhaled.
"I have never regretted the decisions that saw me expelled from my creche," she said finally.
"I believe I am right in my assessment of you, Sashen: you do not regret your choice to leave the place where you originated.
This is how I feel about the creche of my hatching. "
I wanted to ask who she'd left. I wanted to ask what decision she'd made, and why she'd made it – but maybe I was learning a thing or two about abayan culture, because instead, I'd found myself saying, "I'd like to hear about that one day, when you'd like to talk to me about it.
" And the flickering smile that had twitched her mouth was better than confetti and trumpets from on high, and that night, when I went to bed, it was with something that I realized, with distant surprise, was pride.
Which was good: I needed that to feel grounded in the middle of all the preparations and adjustments we were making, and so that I could be a steady presence for my creche-mates while so much around us remained unknown.
Maybe I was getting my feet under me. Maybe I could fit here.
As the days slipped by, it was hard not to notice as the date we'd intended to arrive in Xitera drew nearer and nearer, and yet we were travelling away from the empire and instead toward a seedy station to meet with our promised pilots.
But even with a way there, Xitera loomed with its own spectral weight: because Araxis had shared the news of the writ of propitiation with the creche, everyone understood just how dangerous it was for us to travel to the abayan empire.
On top of all of that, Egnax was in fine fucking form – stars, I'd take six paragraphs of complaints a night if it meant she didn't feel the need to go through the whole ship, panel by panel, in case of potential sabotage despite the video footage proving that there hadn't been any.
The kids missed school; I'd even come across Sadin sniffling while looking over a message his classmates had sent bidding the Creche Thiel children goodbye.
I was also trying not to think about the fact that I'd murdered two people on this ship every time I walked the second floor hallway or stepped into the dining room.
The only silver lining was that I hardly saw Vivith at all, unless Araxis pulled us together for a meeting, and then we always had Inmadra as a buffer too.
But even that happened rarely, given that Araxis was wrapped up in complex negotiations with a very foreign political entity.