Chapter 31 #3
The negotiations did take a lot of time: despite the fact that Valerie had planted the seed just hours after we'd left Sozamia, it took days for the agreement to be drafted.
As we angled the ship toward Anhihan Station, a rough and tumble station known as a hub for pilots headed to all corners of Primus territory and beyond, Araxis spent a lot of time not just at the helm but also at the display in our room, sending messages back and forth with a contact in a distant, nearly forgotten corner of space.
It was a slow process – the deep space relays weren't just obscure; they were practically obsolete, hundreds of years old from a colonizing project that had been rapidly abandoned despite the investment in infrastructure – but, as the messages drifted back and forth, Araxis grew more and more certain that this was a productive direction.
It helped, I think, that they promised us the piloting pair for this burn and any we needed to make in the next number of months.
With the details nearly settled, Araxis had spoken to Elethenn about his atonement because the scope of it was so far beyond abayan norms that Araxis felt it was necessary to get Elethenn's consent.
Which of course he gave: he would have thrown himself on any sword to atone.
So with that exchange finalized, we had our way to Xitera.
This is the first of what I hope are many successful cultural exchanges, read the latest missive addressed to Araxis.
Consider the pilots a gesture of our good will.
"They don't mean it's a favour," I assured him, reading over his shoulder. "It's more like... being generous to show they value the relationship."
"Hm." He'd studied the message and nodded. "I will rely on your cultural knowledge, then."
He was doing that a lot, and he wasn't just relying on my cultural knowledge.
Araxis brought me in on everything: when he met via vid call with Lauvis to explain what had happened; when he and Vivith reviewed the manifests and then carefully, diligently examined the contents of each shipping container – with one glaring exception – to assure no one had attempted to sabotage the ship in that way; when he gathered the other arkathi to review the audio recording of the confrontation with Rodil, to determine the best angle of approach when the challenge was made in the Hall of Records; when he pulled up the vid of the attack on the ship and discussed with Vivith whether or not the footage would be helpful or if it might suggest we were weaker, to have a virra tasked with defending the creche. I was involved in all of it.
In truth, I could have done without watching the video back.
Mostly, I just stared into my tea. Because even knowing I'd done the right thing, the necessary thing, couldn't take the stomach-curdling sickness out of murdering someone with my bare hands.
And I'd seen what my face looked like in the video: I might have felt horrified and sick when I watched it back, I might have been upset at the idea of killing someone when the evidence was on the screen in front of me, but then, in that moment?
I'd felt nothing, except maybe some twisted grim satisfaction at dealing with a problem.
At being stronger and better. I hadn't even stopped to wonder if Araxis was okay or to check on him.
I'd just slipped into another state, or maybe it was that I'd let the monster who liked to wear my skin take over.
And that beast, it felt only hunger and the distant pleasure of violence well-enacted.
What did that make me? What did that say about the state of my soul?
But as awful as it was for me to witness proof of how fucking broken I really was, Araxis had seemed almost proud.
Even Vivith had been impressed. "He is quite effective," they admitted to Araxis, as I stood in the kitchen and pretended to make more tea so that I didn't have to look at the frame they'd frozen on, where I was a second away from evaporating a portion of the ketaari's skull, my expression nearly serene.
The day before we arrived on Anhihan Station to liaise with our pilots – which meant it was also our last day in Primus space before we travelled to Xitera and began all of what would come next – Araxis pulled the creche together to review what they needed to know before we burned.
He patiently walked through what everyone might expect – physical sensations, the temporary loss of bodily senses, strange sensory input, and post-jump disorientation – as well as expected lingering effects.
From what I gathered, for most species, a jump was like taking the entirety of the worst hangover of your life and compressing it into a hallucinatory trip that left you dizzy and confused and just barely tethered to your body when it ended, which sounded even worse than it looks on broadcast dramas.
After patiently answering about three thousand questions from the kids, who were the only passengers (besides me) who hadn't burned before, he sent everyone to bed.
"Our research shows that the better rested a traveller is, the more swiftly they recover from a long burn.
Our pilots will be taking us to Xitera in a single jump, so you must take your rest seriously tonight," he'd said pointedly when Adrathi started to protest the early bedtime.
"Vivith, Inmadra, and Evreni, if you could stay.
" His hand had pulsed on my thigh as I shifted to leave, so I settled in as well.
The others left until it was just arkathi, and me.
Araxis's posture shifted slightly, as if he had gone from telling to discussing.
"I wish to speak more openly about what we are undertaking and what will happen when we arrive in Xitera.
But first, we have secured these pilots through an agreed exchange, and I would review the terms with you.
We have finalized the details, but it was understood that I would seek concord with the other arkathi of Creche Thiel before ratification.
" He paused, surveying the others. "You must know that this piloting pair is affiliated with a human political entity. "
Vivith actually recoiled, shocked. "Araxis – You cannot mean Seraphim?" And, you know, it actually warmed the cockles of my heart to hear how horrified they sounded.
"Of course it is not Seraphim," said Araxis, sharp. "I would not even entertain the thought. Sashen, if you could provide some additional background?"
So I did, and most of it was true. I'd met with a human translator on the judiciary ship, and we'd been corresponding ever since; she said she wanted to introduce me to another way of being human that was less awful, and then had explained a bit more about where she was from and the organization she worked with.
"I think she's mostly a contractor," I said, "but she's well-connected.
And Perseus is looking for potential partners in our part of space. "
On an adjacent side of the table, Inmadra's features had grown increasingly tight.
"I am concerned, Sashen, that you have been manipulated in order to obtain information.
Were you asked for anything? And what, precisely, have we offered in exchange for the pilots?
" Her incisive stare shifted to Araxis, which was good.
I didn't think I could look her in the eye and say I hadn't told Valerie anything, when really, I'd sent along every single worksheet and lesson Inmadra had ever put together for me and all of those meeting notes she'd helped me take.
Thinking about it then, really thinking about it, made me almost ill.
It didn't feel like nothing when I considered the scope of what I'd shared, not now.
"If anything, I think she was interested in having me put in a good word," I tried, guilt wriggling deep in my gut.
"And I do actually think she wants to be friends.
She heard – uh, a lot during that judiciary interview.
She heard everything about me, and how often does someone actually get to know you like that?
" Araxis had heard it all too, and while I still didn't like to think about that for very long, maybe it had helped him understand what he'd done and why it had hurt so badly.
Maybe he'd had to know in order for us to get here.
I cleared my throat, deciding not to linger on that thought.
"Besides, if she's doing contract work for the judiciary, clearly she passed their security vetting. "
Vivith, in particular, looked wary, head tilting as they studied me for a moment. It was the longest they'd actually acknowledged me since we got back to the ship, and I fought against the urge to squirm under their evaluating stare.
"We have agreed to a future meeting in Sol," explained Araxis.
"Once we are established in Xitera, I would like to take a small group to meet with Perseus and to see what it is that they offer.
I have been assured that they are close to an impressive breakthrough in stromic technology; they additionally have access to a number of rare minerals and gases, including sadrum – which could be significant if tensions within Primus continue.
We would be do well to secure a source of our own.
I have reviewed the initial documentation on both Perseus's resources and technology, and it is promising.
However, Perseus is an unknown political entity with an unknown culture, beyond the cultural artifacts that have become a curiosity in our part of space. "
The looks on the other faces in the room were, in a word, skeptical, and I couldn't blame them. If they only knew what was coming, or what exactly would be revealed at that meeting…