13. Ellie #3
“El.” He huffed a laugh that didn’t sound believable and tipped his head back, staring at the ceiling. It didn’t go unnoticed that right above us was his childhood bedroom, where we used to lie in bed beneath the glow-in-the-dark plastic stars. “This used to be my dream,” he rasped.
“I know,” I whispered, but hearing him say it aloud was almost more than I could bear, and suddenly, I was trying not to cry again. I wasn’t sure exactly what about it made me well up, but I suspected it had something to do with hearing him imply it wasn’t his dream anymore.
“I know,” I repeated, “and I know it’s different now. I know it’s not how you probably wanted things to go. I know I’m not the one you’d probably choose for—”
“Don’t,” Sully cut in, dropping his gaze to me again. It glittered as he stared at me. “Don’t say that.”
My breath hitched. “What?”
“That I wish it wasn’t you.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s so far from the fucking truth.”
“What’s the truth?”
Sully stared at me for a long moment, like he was contemplating telling me. Saying more. But eventually, he shook his head. “I think you’re right. I think I need to take a minute, let this…sink in.”
Yeah, that was smart.
It was the smart thing to do—focus on the baby, not on this, us, whatever still festered here, what truths went untold. Even though it was clear there were things between Sully and me that we’d probably need to unpack if we were going to do this together, it wasn’t the priority today.
“Okay.” I nodded, understanding. I dropped my gaze, fidgeted with the frayed edges of my jean shorts, picking at the strings of fabric that were barely holding on—just like me.
“Eleanor.”
I twisted the strings between my fingers. “What?”
“Look at me,” Sully pleaded.
I lifted my chin, just enough to realize that he was kneeling in front of me now, only inches away. My knees brushed his T-shirt, and our eyes caught on each other.
God.
Would it ever be less intense to be this close to him again?
“It’s different now,” he acknowledged softly as he gently parted my knees, wedging his broad torso between them as I sat on the couch. “It is. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want this. That doesn’t mean that there isn’t a part of me that’s elated inside.”
I shouldn’t feel so hopeful, shouldn’t feel like my heart was in my throat, but it absolutely was. “Yeah?”
The corner of his mouth tugged up in a smile. “Yeah.”
He ducked his head, surprising me when he rested it against my stomach again, like he was whispering secrets to the Chiclet-sized fetus.
After a second, he peeked back up at me. “Ya know, they’re going to be so smart.”
A laugh burst out of me. Sully’s eyes lingered on my mouth, on the stretch of my lips. He wore a half-smile. A familiar, goofy smirk I hadn’t seen in so long.
“A certified genius,” he murmured.
“They’re going to have great hair, too,” I said.
“Yeah.” Sully reached up, head still on my stomach, as he twisted his finger around the ends of my hair. “They are.”
We were silent for a long moment, and I felt a sense of peace settle on my shoulders—heavy and sweet and reassuring.
“Does anyone else know?” he asked as he straightened himself.
“No,” I said and then amended myself. “Well, Delaney. Sort of. I was on the phone with her and might have asked her a highly specific hypothetical question.”
Sully raised a brow, clearly surprised. “Not Natalie?”
I shook my head. “I wanted to tell you first. I thought it was only fair to everyone.”
“Thank you, but…” The corner of his mouth dipped. “How long have you known?”
“A couple weeks.”
He considered that, looking concerned. “That’s a long time to be alone with this, Eleanor.”
Yeah, it was. It really was. I mean, in reality, it was such a short amount of time in the grand scheme of this pregnancy, of my life, everything. But such a long, long time to be carrying this secret on my own.
I nodded, not really trusting myself to speak.
But Sully just kept looking at me, unnamed emotion swirling in his gaze, patiently waiting to see if I’d say more. That, or maybe he was just content with this. Just, I don’t know, looking at me. Looking at…us. Baby and me.
The thought made me smile.
“I wasn’t really alone,” I eventually managed to say, wrapping a hand around my belly. “I won’t really be alone for a while now.”
“No you won’t.” Sully’s voice was firm, confident. He was staring at my stomach like he wanted to join me, to touch it, too. But he didn’t. He lifted his gaze to my face, waiting until I looked back at him. “Neither of you will be alone now, got it?”
“Got it,” I breathed, feeling a little overwhelmed by Sully’s intensity, even if it was exactly what I’d expected. And honestly, a huge reason I’d come back. Because, despite everything we’d gone through, I’d known that we could do this together.
Seeming satisfied, Sully sank to the ground, leaning back on his hands and acting like he was getting comfortable.
“I don’t know…” He was looking around the room, assessing it. “Maybe I should just move back in, too.”
“Sawyer…” I started, but then he rolled his eyes, his lips tilting.
“Yeah, yeah, okay.” He crossed one long leg over the other. “I won’t move in.” His eyes drifted back to me. “But you should.” He cocked his head to the side, and then he was smiling. Fully, completely smiling. “You definitely should.”
I grinned back at him, feeling lighter than I had in so many weeks.
“I think I will.”
I was home.