14. Sully
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
sully
WALKING AWAY FROM ELLIE that morning in the hotel room had taken monumental effort, but it was nothing compared to what I was experiencing now as I forced myself to leave Maple Street. As I forced myself to leave Ellie for the night.
Ellie, who I’d loved for so many years. Missed for so many years.
Ellie, who was pregnant.
With my child.
Images filled my brain, still shots of Ellie in a future that was suddenly available to me again.
Ellie’s swollen belly with my hands splayed out, keeping them safe.
Ellie with a baby on her hip. Ellie sitting on the front porch at Maple Street, only this time, she was watching a child play with sidewalk chalk, coloring the places we walked as kids.
All these scenes I’d forced myself to let go of a long time ago, and suddenly, she was saying they were going to be real.
If she had let me stay with her all night, I would have.
All I wanted was to sit there and stare at her, take her in, make sure she was okay, put my head to her belly and pretend I could already feel life inside it, even though I knew it was too soon.
I wanted to beg her to say the words, speak the truth, over and over again.
I’m pregnant with your baby, Sawyer.
God, I was such an ass for thinking the baby might not have been mine.
But I’d spent the last five years trying to convince myself that Ellie and I were over, that she’d moved on, that she was probably spending her nights with other people.
I’d spent the last five years in a concentrated effort to replace the reality I’d always known and imagined with a new one—one where Ellie and I didn’t have children together, didn’t grow old together, didn’t spend every year falling deeper into each other.
I’d removed that vision, and then there she was, standing in the kitchen of my childhood home and telling me that she was pregnant.
I hadn’t even dared to think that maybe my dream reality was possible for us again.
Because shit, I’d tried so goddamn hard to exterminate the part of me that yearned to remain hopeful—it was simply too fucking painful to carry hope day in and day out.
I’d never known the weight possibilities could have, and it hadn’t taken long before it all started to crush me.
A roller coaster—this was going to be a goddamn roller coaster, but truth was, someone would have to fucking drag me off at this point.
Because like hell would Ellie be taking this ride alone.
Even if the baby hadn’t been mine, I couldn’t imagine a scenario where Ellie had no one.
I’d meant what I said the other day in the car.
She knew me. She’d always know me. She could always call me, and I’d be there.
I suspected I was just wired that way, like an automated Eleanor system.
The way I felt for her, the way I really felt—not the masks I put in place or the bullshit lies I told myself to try to move on—was branded into me, forever unchanging.
Fuck, I couldn’t believe I was going to be a dad. That she was going to be a mom. I couldn’t believe that she wanted us to be co-parents.
As though she wasn’t the only woman I’d ever loved.
As though I didn’t want to watch her sleep every night to make sure nothing, not a single goddamn thing, went wrong.
More than anything else, the words high-risk bounced around my head, making my insides twist. By the time I made it back to my apartment, the urge to pull out my phone and start googling things that would undoubtedly send me into a panic was so strong.
I found myself glaring at my screen, my reflection staring back at me—a reflection that might be mirrored onto a smaller version of me one day.
With that thought circulating the inside of my skull, I opened my phone with a flick of my thumb, heart in my throat.
I went to my contacts, fighting the urge to call my siblings.
My smart, doctor siblings who might talk some fucking sense into me.
Who might help me sort this out, tell me how worried I needed to be.
It wouldn’t be the first time I’d called Blake in a panic.
But Ellie said she hadn’t told anyone else yet, and we hadn’t discussed if and when we would tell people. The only person who knew was—
My thumb frantically moved through my contacts, and within seconds, the phone was ringing.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Delaney, hi. It’s Sully. London. Your brother-in-law. The best one.”
Her light laugh trickled through the phone, and I heard rustling on the other end, like maybe she was moving to a different room.
“I only know one Sully London, believe it or not.”
“Ah, imagine that.”
I paced the length of my kitchen, wiping my free palm on my pants because I suddenly felt so sweaty, and I knew it had nothing to do with the August humidity.
“So, I, uh—” I closed my eyes, pausing my strides. Maybe I should have considered what I was going to say before I called.
“Have you heard from…someone?” she supplied for me.
“Ellie, yes,” I said, but it sounded more like a croak. “I talked to Ellie, and she told me you’re the only one who knows, otherwise I promise I wouldn’t be bothering you—”
“You’re not bothering me, Sully.”
“I’d be bothering Natalie or Blake instead,” I continued. “You know, it’s my favorite thing to do. Bothering the Dr. Londons. Do you go by Dr. London, too? Or Dr. Delacroix?”
“Sully,” she interjected, repeating my name in that no-nonsense way that sort of reminded me of my brother. And it was good—that they were meant for each other like that and also that Delaney was calm because I was very much not calm about this entire thing. “Are you okay?”
“Okay?” I repeated, a humorless laugh bubbling out of me.
Okay didn’t seem like the right word for how I was feeling. I was everything but okay. I was so far above it and so far below it, simultaneously.
Delaney waited patiently while I tried to find the right words. I set the phone on my kitchen island, clicking the speakerphone so I could use both hands to lean against the counter, bracing myself.
“She said the pregnancy is high-risk, Delaney,” I said finally, forcing myself to breathe when I realized I hadn’t been.
“Yes,” my sister-in-law confirmed, and just like that, I wasn’t breathing again. “Based on her medical history and circumstances, I believe it would be.”
“Can you just—” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Tell me that she’s going to be okay. She doesn’t want me to come with her to her appointment with the MFM doctor this week.”
Delaney’s voice softened. “She’s going to be okay. They’re going to put her on a medication, a safe medication for pregnant women and for the baby. Safe but effective. I’m sure she’ll tell you about it after the appointment.”
“Okay.” I nodded, repeating the words She’s going to be okay in my head, but it wasn’t quite enough. “One more time?”
“She’s going to be okay,” Delaney said. “There are many women who have had healthy pregnancies with her history.”
I exhaled, taking that in. “Okay. Thank you. This is…enough to appease my brain for the night, I think. But if I call you again tomorrow, don’t be surprised.”
She laughed, but it was soft and sweet. Understanding. “Is she back in Minnesota?”
“Yeah, she is.”
She was back.
She came back.
She came home.
“Good,” Delaney answered. “I was worried about her being alone in California.”
Yeah, I couldn’t really get that thought out of my mind, either—what it must have been like for Ellie when she found out. Had anyone been with her? What had her reaction been? How long had it taken her to decide that moving home was what she wanted?
“Hey, Sully?” Delaney cut through my thoughts.
“Mm?”
“I know it’s a lot, and I know the circumstances could be better, but the two of you are going to get through this. And, not that I’ve said anything to Blake or the others yet, just know we’re all here for you. Okay?”
“Okay.” I hated to admit how badly I’d needed to hear that. “Okay.”
Maybe if I kept repeating it, I’d eventually believe that I was okay.
“Thanks, Delaney.”
If anyone could make this work, it was me and Ellie.
Always, me and Ellie.
When do you plan on moving into Maple Street?
ELEANOR: I was thinking of going there today, actually. I don’t want to overstay at your mom’s place.
I can come after work to help you.
ELEANOR: I just have a couple suitcases, it’s not really a lot.
Are the suitcases heavy?
ELEANOR: I mean, I did pack my whole life into them.
ELEANOR: But no, not really.
ELEANOR: They’re fine, Sawyer!!!
I’ll pick you up from Mom’s at 5:30 tonight. I need to go back to Maple Street anyway. I didn’t get any of her to-do list done yesterday.
My entire night had been derailed after Ellie told me the news.
My entire life had been derailed, actually.
But oddly enough, for the first time in a long while, it sort of felt like I was back on track.
ELEANOR: None of that is necessary.
You’re carrying my child. The least I can do is carry a couple of fucking suitcases and clean the house.
ELEANOR: You know what, you’re right.
ELEANOR: Feel free to come over every night to do the dishes and read me a bedtime story, too.
Careful what you say, El.
She had no idea how much I wouldn’t mind doing that.
Though as I got closer to my mom’s place, I was realizing just how much time I would spend in the car. It wasn’t far, not really. But now, this distance, this thirty minutes or so, was the time, the distance between Eleanor and me. And I hated that I wasn’t going to be closer.
“You know,” I said as I got out of my car and walked up to where I found Eleanor standing in front of my mom’s large, white lake house.
It towered over her small frame with its gray shutters and a grand wraparound porch, bigger than the one on Maple Street.
“I think there are actually a few apartments in my building that are open, if you felt like living in the city might be a better speed for you.”
I’d much rather she were next door instead of a thirty-minute drive away.