36. Tj
Tj
She loves me.
She loves me.
Nothing could get better than this feeling, yet I know with Carla, somehow, it will.
She stirs in my arms as the sunrays streak through the window, waking up with a little puddle of drool on my chest.
I can’t help but laugh as her eyes go wide before she wipes it away with the sheet.
“Stop,” I say, gripping her so she can’t go too far. “I want to stay in this moment a little longer.”
She settles back down, nuzzling against my neck. Her leg draped over me, body wrapped around mine. “I want to live in this moment.”
My fingers drag up and down her bare back. I love that she gets goosebumps every time I touch her. I’ve never felt this close to anyone before. It scares me as much as it thrills me.
“Remember when I told you my dad killed someone?” There really isn’t any other way to segue into this conversation, so I just blurt it out.
She nods and scoots up to lean against the headboard.
I suck in a deep, long breath, then release it through my lips. “The person he killed was my mom.”
The shock of that statement consumes her. Every muscle in her body freezes, eyes wide, hands gripping her thighs. The last piece of the puzzle in her mind clicks into place.
“I was thirteen,” I continue. “Watched the whole thing. He strangled her and there was nothing I could do.”
“Why?” Her voice is barely audible. “Why would he do that?”
“He was a drunk. Always beat on her. That night, things just … I don’t think he even knew what he was doing. I tried to stop him, but … I couldn’t save her.”
Her fingers interlace with mine as she lays her head on my shoulder. “How awful it must have been for you to witness that.”
I lift her hand to my lips. “It was.”
“No wonder you don’t want to speak to your father.”
“I thought about it. Many times. I don’t know what would be worse: He apologizes and is remorseful, or he’s still the same piece of shit he always was.”
“I think it’d be more difficult to swallow if he regrets it. You’d be faced with the decision to forgive him … or not.”
“I don’t know if I have it in me to forgive him.”
“Maybe you don’t have to. Maybe a person doesn’t deserve forgiveness after he does something so heinous.”
I press a kiss to Carla’s hair, inhaling her sweet scent.
“What do you think about finding Woods?” she asks.
“You know, for so long I held this grudge against him. Like I blamed him for everything that happened to me.”
“Because you wanted him to make everything better for you.”
I nod. “I’m not sure how I feel now. I guess it’s something I have to think about.”
“That’s a good first step.”
Carla’s phone vibrates on the nightstand. She glances at the screen and giggles. “Mal’s been blowing up my phone. She’s going to die when she finds out about us.”
I drag her body until she’s on top of me, straddling me in complete naked beauty. “And what will you tell her about us?”
She lifts a shoulder, avoiding eye-contact with me. “That we kissed.”
“And?” I prod her with my morning wood and her eyes close as a moan escapes her lips.
“And that we had sex.”
“And?” I brush my thumbs over her nipples, leaning down to take one into my mouth.
“And … that we’re … in love.” She’s grinding her hips against me.
“Almost there,” I whisper in her ear.
“What else do you want me to tell her?”
“Tell her I’m your boyfriend,” I say, continuing to tease her until she’s hot and wet.
“I’m your girlfriend?” It’s almost a whimper.
“You are.” With Carla in my arms, I swing us out of bed and stalk to the shower.
I’d allbut begged Carla to stay and spend the day with me. It’s Sunday and the gym’s closed. I’d made a convincing argument too, making love to every inch of her body. Four times. In four different rooms in my apartment.
Still, Mallory kept calling and Carla wanted to see her face in person when she told her about us.
Us.
I can’t stop the dumb grin from spreading across my face every time I think about it.
I’d been prepared to pull out all the stops and prove to her that I could be the kind of man she deserved. I’d built her that yoga slash painting room to show her how much I support and believe in her dreams. I was ready for her to put up a fight. Thought she’d tell me she needed to make one of her lists to help her decide.
But it turns out I didn’t need to do any of that. She’d told me she loved me. And she said it first.
I gave her space today, only sending a couple texts throughout the morning, but by lunchtime they’d gone unanswered. Though it was unsettling, I forced myself to keep the negative thoughts at bay.
The negative thoughts that whispered, Everybody leaves you.
Everyone you love dies.
You’re not good enough for Carla.
She’ll realize it soon enough.
I keep busy cleaning the apartment. I’ll be asking Carla to move in with me, so now is as good a time as any to make room.
To some people, it might seem like I’m moving fast.
But when you’ve lived in a realm of torture your entire life, you don’t leave the good things to chance when they come along. You hold onto it with everything you’ve got, and you run with it.
The day continues and I let myself get worried. What if she never made it to her apartment this morning? What if she got into an accident? What if she changed her mind about us?
Without realizing that I’m even doing it, I drive to Carla’s place. I release a breath of relief when her car comes into view in the parking lot. Still, I can’t ignore the lead ball in the pit of my stomach. Something isn’t right.
Mallory answers the door with wide eyes. “Ah, shit.”
“Nice to see you too,” I say, shouldering past her. “Is Carla here?”
“She … she’s out at the moment.”
I stick my head into Carla’s room and make my way back into the living room after I see for myself that it’s empty. “She has to be here. Her car’s here.”
“She got picked up.”
Mallory’s never at a loss for words. Her short sentences signal another warning bell. “Spit it out, Mal. Please. What’s going on?”
She releases a groan and her shoulders slump. “She should tell you herself.”
Acid pours into my stomach. “Where is she?”
“Don’t know. I’m here. With you.” She waves her hand in front of my face. “As you can see.”
“Did she say anything before she left?”
“That information is also classified.”
“Can I do anything to get an answer out of you?”
Her finger taps on her chin. “You could take your shirt off.” Her eyes squeeze shut. “Wait! No. That would be wrong now. Damn her, ruining all my fantasies.”
“So she told you about us?” I ask, trying to keep this conversation on track. Talking to Mallory is like trying to keep the focus of a puppy when he sees a squirrel dart across the street.
“She did.”
“Let me guess: That information is classified as well?”
She shrugs. “You’re just going to have to wait for her to get back.”
“Awesome.”
“Sorry. Chicks before dicks, bro.”
I nod, understanding girl code. “Thanks, Mal.”
On the way back to my apartment, my thoughts wander to the darkest corners of my mind.
Please don’t let this be over before we’ve even begun.