25. Phillip
25
PHILLIP
F ate must have a sense of humor because the first day all of our schedules align to meet Avery’s parents is the same day Dimitria’s promo is released to the world.
I thought I’d be glued to my phone constantly refreshing the academy’s social media pages, but instead I’m in the back seat of Wesley’s new SUV with Jamie and Leo.
“All I’m saying is it’s hard to believe that you bought an SUV that seats eight on a whim,” says Avery.
“Maybe I needed it for my business.”
I know for a fact that he has an entire fleet of catering vans for his business and a black SUV doesn’t fit his color scheme.
“I’ve seen the brand colors on your catering vehicles, so either you’re going to waste your money having this car completely repainted white or you’re lying.”
Leo gasps. “Bad boys lie.”
“That’s right, Little Bug, liars are bad boys,” Avery says more to Wesley than Leo.
Jamie and I share an amused look.
I wonder how he’s going to try and get out of this one.
“I said maybe I needed it for business. I didn’t say that’s definitely what I got it for. I could have just wanted it for myself.”
“And it just happened to come with a car seat that perfectly meets the specifications that Leo needs?”
I’ve given up on hiding my smile at this point.
My phone buzzes.
Jamie—She’s got him backed into a corner now. Wonder what he’s going to do.
Phillip—Five bucks says he cracks.
Jamie—Double that he doesn’t.
Phillip—You’re on.
“Alright, fine, you got me. I wanted something that would fit all of us comfortably and I knew you’re too stubborn to let me buy something like this for you, so I figured I’d get it for myself and just insist on driving everywhere.”
I hold my hand out across Leo’s car seat, and Jamie aggressively slaps a ten into it.
“You need to take it back to the dealership.”
“What? Why?” Wesley asks, confused.
“Because that means more than you think it means, and I’m sure that message wasn’t the one you wanted to get across.”
“The message that I see this going somewhere past the seven weeks we have left in the session, you mean? Or the message that outside the academy, at least, I want us to look like the five of us are a package deal?”
“Five?”
I can’t see her face, but I know her mouth is in a perfect circle and her eyebrows are nearly touching her hairline.
“Well, he’s not a full grown person yet, but I’m still counting Leo as a person,” Wesley says as if it should be obvious.
Jamie and I are nodding in agreement from the back seat.
“You’re including him?”
“Why wouldn’t I? You two are a package deal. Where you go, he goes.”
“I didn’t realize you—do all of you feel like this?” she asks.
I reach forward to touch the back of her arm.
“If we didn’t see this as something worthwhile, something to invest our time in, we wouldn't be having dinner together every night of the week that we can manage it. We wouldn’t be having him over for barbecues, and we certainly wouldn’t be meeting your parents if we only saw this as something casual.”
“I couldn’t have said it better myself,” Jamie adds.
“I—”
“We there now?” Leo asks, breaking the tension.
“Maybe five or ten minutes left, Buddy.”
“But Mr. Fip, I want to play.” He starts to pout.
“It’s Mr. Phillip, Sweetheart, and we’ll be there very soon. I promise,” Avery says gently.
“F—Fill?—”
“It’s fine, Avery.” I look back at Leo. “I actually rather like Mr. Fip,” I reassure him. “How about I tell you all the fun things we’re going to see there today, and maybe by the time I’m done, we’ll be there?”
Leo sighs dramatically. “Okay.”
Is this kid actually two or is there a teenager trapped in that little body?
I list out everything I can remember reading on the website when I picked this place.
“Planes?” His eyes widen to the size of dinner plates.
“That’s right.” I nod. “We can make our own paper planes and launch them across the room. There’s also somewhere we can learn how to make shadow puppets.”
“I think there’s also a station where we can make finger puppets too,” Jamie chimes in.
“We can do a show!” Leo claps his hands excitedly.
“It sounds like we’re going to have so much fun, Little Bug,” Avery says. “And guess what? We’re pulling into the parking lot right now.”
Leo starts fiddling with his chest clip, and I cover his hands with my own.
“I don’t think that’s very safe. How about we wait until the car stops? Then you can do your clips, okay?”
“Okay.” He nods earnestly.
As soon as the car stops, Leo looks at me expectantly.
“We have to check that it's safe first,” I say. “Wesley, are we in park?”
“Yep. Everyone is good to unbuckle.”
Faster than I can blink, Leo's undone his car seat and launching himself into my lap.
“Can we do planes?”
“I'm not sure where they are in the museum, but I'll make sure we do them before we leave,” I promise.
Then his arms are around my neck, squeezing me so tightly, I start coughing.
“Gentle hands, Leo. I think you're squeezing a little too tight,” Avery corrects.
He loosens his hold, and I mouth a thank you to her.
Leo pats my neck. “Do you have ouchies?”
“No. I'm alright now.” I tickle his belly. “I just didn't know how super strong you were.”
He makes a muscle and giggles.
“Can one of you help me get the stroller out of the back?” Avery asks.
“I still don’t know why you brought that thing.” Wesley shakes his head.
“So he can sit in it when he gets tired.”
“I’m telling you there’s no need for it.”
“I might have some upper body strength from kneading dough, but I don’t have enough to carry him through the entire museum.”
“What are we, chopped liver?” Jamie asks. “Between the three of us, we’ve got six arms. I think that’s more than enough to carry him around if he gets tired.”
“I can’t ask you to do that.”
“I know.” Wesley winks at her. “You’re too stubborn to ask. That’s why we’re going to do it whether you like it or not. We’re a team, remember?”
Avery shifts from foot to foot. “Well, it would be nice not to have to lug it around, but I usually use it so I don’t have to carry his go bag.”
“We’ll carry that too,” I say.
“You all had better be careful or you’re going to make yourselves indispensable.”
“Maybe that’s the idea.”
My heart skips a beat when I catch the look on her face.
“Let’s just get inside the museum. My parents are already there waiting for us.” She reaches toward Leo. “Do you want me to hold you?”
“No, Mr. Fip,” he says, then buries his face in my shoulder.
I can’t prove it, but I think my heart might have gotten bigger.
I had no idea he liked me that much.
As we walk to the museum’s entrance, I’m somehow both lighter than air and heavier than lead.
Part of me is filled with pride at the thought of having earned Leo’s trust. I plan to stick around for as long as Avery is willing to have me, so having a good relationship with him is essential.
I’m not delusional enough to think that he would ever see me as a father figure, but I do hope to be a good role model for him and maybe even a friend as he grows up. I know it would make Avery happy.
I also strongly believe that one of the best ways to change the world is to teach the next generation how to be better than we ever were. That’s actually the main reason I became a therapist.
Unfortunately, the other part of me is paralyzed with inadequacy. The weight of Leo on my hip is a painful reminder of how I’ll never get the opportunity to hold my child like this. The fertility doctors I saw with my ex-wife made that very clear.
Focus on the now, Phillip. Let go of the things you can’t control. Dwelling on that will only drive you crazy.
I count to ten silently in my head and force myself to focus on all the tiny details—every crack in the pavement, the slight sway of the trees dotting the sidewalk around the building, even the tint of the windows.
Today is a fun day, not a day to dwell on the more devastating moments of my past.
Since I’m hyper-focused on what’s around me, I’m the first to spot Avery’s parents. I’ve never met them before, but I recognize them immediately from the photos on her wall.
“Hey, Leo, who’s that over there?” I ask cheerfully.
“Oma! Opa!”
He’s so loud in his excitement that several heads in the museum’s entryway turn our way. There are scowls from a few people. However, most of the people in the lobby take one look at Leo and give us a brief smile before going back to their business.
We get a mixed look from her parents. First, it’s excitement at seeing their grandson, but when they register that I’m holding him, their faces change. Her father scowls, but her mother’s face morphs into pure curiosity.
I’m not sure whether that’s a good thing or not. I suppose we’ll just have to see how the day plays out.
“Come to Oma, Little bug!” her mother encourages as we close the distance between us.
“No. Okay, Oma? Mr. Fip and me are gonna do planes.”
“That’s alright, Love.” She smiles. “Could we do planes with you too?”
“Oma do planes?”
Leo reaches out toward her with an excited squeal. I pass him over to her with an amused shake of my head.
Once the introductions are over—which are about as awkward as I expected—we start to wander through the museum.
Watching the sheer joy on Leo’s face as he moves through the activities with Avery, with me, with my friends, and with his grandparents fills a hole in me that I didn’t know was there.
I knew the hurt and shame from not being able to have kids was there—both my own and what my ex-wife had instilled in me.
What I hadn’t realized until today was how much I was missing a family, how much I wanted to settle down and have something just like this.
But you can have this.
The thought stops me in my tracks, making Jamie run into me.
“Sorry, I just got caught up in all of this.” I gesture vaguely around.
“It’s really something, isn’t it?” he says.
“It really is.”
This really could be my family—Jamie, Wesley, Avery, Leo, and maybe her parents too if they don’t decide they hate us.
I might not be able to have a genetic child, but if I don’t mess this up, maybe in a few years, I might get to have a stepson.
That heavy feeling I’d had at the beginning of the day dissipates, and I start to feel something far more dangerous—hope.
It doesn’t escape my notice that even though things feel more comfortable between all of us, Avery's parents have not stopped their intense scrutiny of our interactions together.
At the beginning of the outing, I’d been using every ounce of my schooling to try and read their expressions and body language to see if they approved. It was to the point where it had started distracting me from the here and now.
I’m not sure exactly when the shift happened, but I don’t care anymore.
Let them pick at every little interaction. Let them hold us under a microscope. All they’re going to see are three men who adore their daughter and grandson. If they can’t see that, then that’s their problem. The only thing that matters is that Avery sees it.
This shift in perspective almost makes me dizzy, but I’ve decided to embrace it as best I can.
When we finally get to the paper plane exhibit, her father—David—manages to get a moment with us out of Leo’s earshot.
“I’ve seen the way you are with her.” He nods in Avery’s direction. “Clearly, there’s something between you, but is this some kind of game or do you actually see this going somewhere? She’s been through enough and doesn’t need people around who aren’t going to have her best interests at heart. Don’t even get me started on Leo. He’s already getting attached to you.”
What does that mean, she’s been through enough? I know her ex was a jerk, but clearly, there’s more than that.
“I’m aware that I can't tell you what to do, but I wouldn’t be a good father if I didn’t advise you to back off now if this is just a casual thing.”
I can see Wesley puffing up with anger, so I catch his eye and shake my head. He’s still angry, but at my cue, his breathing has visibly slowed. Jamie doesn’t look much better. He’s so pale and clammy that I’m amazed he manages to speak first.
“I know firsthand that tomorrow isn’t a guarantee, especially in relationships. When I was younger, I would have made you a lot of impossible promises. Now that I’m older, the only thing I can promise you is that we will be here for as long as Avery wants us to be.”
Wesley clears his throat. “Respectfully, I don’t care what you think of us, of this. We’ll be civil with you and hopefully, you’ll come to accept us. I’d like a good relationship with you, of course, but the most important person in this relationship is Avery. If she’s happy, that’s enough for me.”
It’s moments like this where I wonder if we’re actually just one soul split into three different bodies.
“Is that how you feel too?” David asks me.
“I couldn’t have phrased it better if I tried. The only thing I want to add is that she and that wonderful little boy have filled in holes in my life that I didn’t even know were there.
“I’m aware there’s an age gap and we haven’t exactly had a fairytale start, but I am old enough to recognize a good woman when I see her. I have no intention of letting that go to make someone outside the relationship happy.”
Whatever he was going to say next is cut off by the sound of Avery dry heaving and then vomiting across the floor. Her whole body is shaking, and she’s whiter than printer paper.
We jump to our feet, but Avery’s mom beats us to it.
As we start forward, David holds his hand up, stopping us.
“Panic attack. Let Barb handle it. Leo needs us right now.”
I didn’t even know she had panic attacks. What exactly is she keeping from us?