26. Avery
26
AVERY
“ M om, does he really have to do the whole ‘what are your intentions with my daughter’ thing?” I mutter as we color our planes with Leo.
“After everything that happened with Kyle, I think he absolutely does.”
If she had reached out and slapped me, I couldn’t have been more humiliated than I am now.
Does she think I didn’t learn from that?
How many panic attacks has she helped me through both in person and on the phone? Isn’t that enough for her to understand that I can’t even stomach the mere idea of being with someone like that again?
I’ve been to therapy. I have the coping skills they taught me, and I use them daily. When I have a panic attack and there’s no one to help me, I call the hotlines.
I’m not fixed—may never be fixed—but I am doing much better than I was.
That’s the one thing I can’t stand about people who have never been through what I have. They always act like it was a stupid mistake and you should have known better.
One of my favorite lines is, “Why didn’t you just leave?”
And who can forget the absolute classic, “Just make sure you pick better next time.”
Well, gee whiz, why didn’t I think of that?
When Kyle and I met in high school, he was a good guy. We had a few minor disagreements, but overall, he was charming and generous and basically worshiped the ground I walked on.
Even with the socioeconomic differences, our parents got along exceptionally well. We all had dinner together on Friday nights and alternated who hosted.
My parents gave their full support when he proposed to me right after we graduated.
It wasn’t until after we were married that he started to change.
At that point, I was trapped.
I had no degree—“ We just don’t have the money for it right now. I’m only in an entry level position. I can’t pay our bills and send both of us to college.”
That was a big, fat lie.
I had no job— “Why do you even want to work, Little Dove? I make enough to take care of both of us. Just stick to your little baking hobby. That should be enough to amuse you while I’m at work.”
I didn’t even have access to the bank accounts. Instead, I got an allowance because “That’s how things are done in this tax bracket.”
The first time I knew how much money we had was when my lawyer—paid for by my parents—filed a motion to compel in court.
So many people swear up and down that nothing like this would ever happen to them. They think that because they can recognize obvious threats like the guy in the dark alley or someone yanking off your headphones on the bus because they feel entitled to your time, they would recognize an abuser right away.
Most abusers aren’t like that. They know that slapping someone across the face because they use the wrong fork on their first date won’t get them a second one. People like that are smarter. They wait until they have their hooks completely in you before they take the mask off.
According to my former therapist, they’re master manipulators. They lure you in by being your perfect dream and then slowly acclimate you to worse and worse treatment until you’re doing and tolerating things you never thought you would.
The whole goal for people like Kyle is to pick a good person and break them down until they get a mindless servant. It can happen to anyone.
“You got deceived by him just as much as I did. We all fell for it, not just me,” I say angrily.
She sighs. “Sweetheart, that’s exactly why your father feels like he needs to give them the third degree. You have no idea how much he blames himself for not being able to see through all the charm and the manners to what that family really was. He even went to counseling about it for almost a year. We both did, actually.”
I’m stunned.
“I had no idea. Why didn’t you tell me? I could have helped.”
“We’re the parents. It’s our job to take care of you, not the other way around. We failed you then, but we’re not going to do that this time.”
My phone pings with the special tone I assigned to my website’s email.
I don’t usually get any emails through the site. It’s usually all through comments on my socials, but I’m not going to complain. It's a good enough distraction to keep me from bursting into tears from my mother’s kind words.
Maybe the new color scheme Phillip suggested worked and it’s a job offer from another catering venue. I could end up getting to say goodbye to Henri sooner than I thought.
“I think this might be important,” I say, pulling out my phone. “I’m just going to check it really quick.
I turn around on the bench so I can check the email with a smidgen of privacy.
Sure enough, there’s a message from the website just sitting in my inbox. In my rush to get to the message, I don’t even bother to notice the sender’s email.
There’s no greeting to the message so it’s not likely that it’s a job offer, but I decide to skim over it to buy myself some time to calm down.
Not surprised to see you’re using the money you stole from me entirely for yourself. There’s no way your piss poor cooking got you into the Age Gap Academy… so what else did you have to do to get in? Or should I say who else?
To be fair, you probably could have got in on the sight of your tits alone. Shame you didn’t have those when we were together. I might not have divorced you.
The video hasn't even been out for more than an hour and I’m already getting bombarded with “Isn’t that your ex-wife” and comments about the way you look. Maybe if you’d listened to my mother and dressed less like a tramp, I wouldn’t have to be dealing with you right now.
Stop embarrassing me by flaunting your body like that and eye fucking your teachers on camera. Not only is it humiliating to even be remotely linked to this disgusting display, but it’s also ruining my business ventures.
Take the video down or I’ll have to come there and make you.
- K.L.
My hands go numb. I can no longer hold my phone. It clatters to the ground in what seems to be slow motion.
I can feel my heart pounding in my temples.
My chest is being crushed under a metric ton of terror.
I’m hyperventilating so fast that it’s making my lips tingle.
I’m going to puke.
I’m going to faint.
I can't breathe.
When I open my mouth to try to force myself to take a deeper breath, I gag on air that suddenly feels poisonous.
Then I single handedly ruin our outing by vomiting all over the floor in front of me. The tears that come immediately after are just icing on the humiliation cake.
I feel my mom’s arm around my shoulders as she tries to hold me upright, but all I’m aware of is Leo screaming for me. When I try to get up to comfort him, she pins me to her side and keeps me from moving.
From what feels like miles away, I hear her start managing the situation.
“Jamie, you and Phillip stay with Leo. He doesn’t need all four of you. Don’t give me that face, David. I need you for something else. Wesley, go find someone on the museum’s staff and let them know what happened. David, I need you to go get the car. I’m taking her home.”
“Don’t you think we should all go home?” Jamie asks.
I try to argue, but all I manage to do is start dry heaving again.
“Shh,” she soothes. “Let me take care of this for you.”
That’s all the permission I need to crumple into her and bury my face in her sweater.
“The last thing she needs right now is men in her space. You’re going to finish exploring the museum and take that boy out for some dinner and ice cream when you’re done. Avery won’t want this to be the only thing he remembers from this outing, which is exactly what will happen if you take him home now.”
Everything seems to go quiet almost like everyone is frozen in place.
“David, Wesley, are you waiting for an engraved invitation? Move it,” she snaps.
Time seems to start again except it’s racing along at double speed. Everything comes flying in at once, bombarding my senses. All I can manage to be aware of is a roaring in my ears and blurs of color.
I’m in the entryway to the museum.
Then the car.
When the world finally slows down a little, I’m on the couch in my condo with a cold glass of water shoved in my hand.
I can’t stop shaking.
I can’t move off the couch even though I have too much to do.
That email needs to be printed and put in the evidence binder that I thought I’d never have to use again.
You never should have let that restraining order expire.
That commercial was a mistake and you knew it. You were just too weak to say no.
Leo could be in danger now, and it’s all your fault.
The glass falls from my hand and shatters on the floor.
“I never should have let that PR woman bully me into doing that promo. I should have known it would draw attention to me. I’m so stupid. He’s going to come here and he’s never going to leave me alone until that stupid video gets taken down, and I can’t make them do that. They’d laugh me out of the office for even asking. Then he’ll get mad and it will just get worse and worse, and it’s only a matter of time before he has one of his employees search public records and find where I live.
“One of the biggest reasons I moved out was so he’d have a harder time finding me. What am I going to do when he knows where I live? I’ll have to move or go into hiding at a women’s shelter. I can’t go back there again. I swore that Leo would never set foot in one of those places.”
“Hold on. Slow your roll. I think I’m missing some information here. I’m guessing that he had something to do with that notification on your phone. Are you able to take some deep breaths with me and then start from the beginning?”
A flash of irritation flickers in the back of my mind at her overly coddling tone. I stuff it down, though, because she’s only trying to help me.
I always appreciate her help. Really, I do, but there are times where she talks to me like I’m a child rather than an adult with her own child. Just because I have panic attacks doesn’t make me any less of a mature adult.
Then I feel ungrateful. She’s helped me so much and sacrificed so much time to help me recover, and here I am, being upset with her for trying to help me.
Maybe there really is something wrong with me.
I take a long, slow breath and pull up the email.
“It’s going to be easier if you just read it for yourself,” I say, handing her the phone.
Her face pales as she reads through it.
Just knowing what’s in the email is enough to send my spiraling into a panic.
My stomach churns.
I feel exposed.
The condo suddenly feels too big. The windows are too clear. I just know Kyle is watching me.
“Wow. That’s some serious delusion he’s got going on there, but I don’t think he’s going to come here. It’s probably just an empty threat.”
Her tone is cheerful, but there’s fear in her eyes. The hand not holding the phone is clenched so tightly, her knuckles are white.
It’s obvious she’s not even close to okay. Mom’s just doing her best not to show me how anxious she is, and I love her for it.
I know she won’t be able to handle the new wave of panic that’s welled up inside me.
I’ve caused enough trouble for everyone today, so I do what I learned from my time with Kyle and just put a pause on my panic.
I do it slowly, just like I did with him, so she thinks it’s a natural de-escalation. Every feeling, every last little part of me goes right in a box until I’m nothing at all.
“What if he is serious?” I ask.
“Then we keep documenting just like we did last time. It also might be a good idea to limit your outings, take alternate routes, keep your location turned on and—” She takes a deep breath. “Sweetheart, I know you don’t want to hear this, but you need to tell them the truth. Your father’s been texting me every few minutes to check on you. He said they didn’t seem to have a clue about what went on with your ex. They didn’t even know you had panic attacks. Why are you keeping this from them?”
“It’s not their problem. It’s mine.”
“Avery Marie, it is abundantly clear that those men adore you. Your father sees it and so do I. He’s even told me that they didn’t relax until they knew you were safe at home. They seem like good, honest men, and you make each other happy. At the end of the day, that’s all that’s important to us.
“We’d like to spend more time getting to know them, and we’re going to need some time to get used to the whole dynamic, but you’re good for each other. I don’t want you to lose something special because you couldn’t open up to them.”
“I’ll try, okay?”
“That’s all I’m asking.”
Her phone buzzes.
“Your father again.” She smiles. “They just got to the restaurant with Leo. Do you want them to bring you anything when they’re done?”
I can’t have Leo here. I’m barely holding off my panic as it is.
“No, but do you think you could take Leo tonight? I know it’s asking a lot, but?—”
“It’s been a long day. I understand. You rest, and we’ll take care of him. I don’t know that we’ll be able to keep your men away from you, though. Do you want me to lend them my key so they don’t bother you by buzzing in?”
Ideally, I wouldn’t see them either, but I don’t think they’ll take no for an answer this time.
“Yes, please.”
“I’ll do that.”
“I’m sure you’re hungry. Why don’t you go meet them and give them the key there?”
Please, please, please leave so I can fall apart.
“You sure you’ll be alright until they get here?” she asks, concerned.
I fake a yawn. “Yeah, I think I’ll just head to bed.”
“Okay,” she says, heading toward the door. “I love you, Baby.”
“I love you too.”
As soon as the door shuts, the dam breaks and the waves of terror flood over me.