27. Wesley
27
WESLEY
K ids are beyond resilient.
Two hours ago, Leo was inconsolable and worried about his mom. Now he’s kicking his legs in his high chair at the restaurant and singing about how much he loves chicken nuggets.
At least I think that’s what he’s singing about. That’s what we ordered for him, and the song mostly consists of him repeating “chickie” and “eat” over and over again.
When the food arrives, I instinctively grab Leo’s plate and start cutting all the nuggets into tiny pieces.
I hand him a few pieces and say, “When you’re done with those and you want more, just tell me, okay?”
“Okay, Mr. Wes.”
As I turn back to my plate, I catch the odd look on Avery’s father’s face.
“Barb and I have been worried ever since we found out about your relationship, but seeing all of you today has given me some peace of mind. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t get this whole arrangement that you have and I’m not sure I ever will. That being said, it’s clear to me that your intentions are exactly what you’re saying they are. I’ll still be keeping a close eye on you, and if you screw up you’ll have me to answer to. However, I plan to do my watching at family outings and dinners so we can get to know each other better.
“Think you can do that, Gentlemen?”
“That sounds nice,” I say.
Phillip and Jamie echo my sentiments, and David leans back into his seat looking satisfied.
“If you don’t mind me asking, when did she start having these panic attacks?” Phillip asks.
“Well, her mother and I became aware of them a little over two years ago, but they’ve probably been going on longer than that.”
“So her ex is probably a trigger then, right?” I chime in.
He bites the inside of his cheek like he’s trying to keep the words from spilling out.
“The only thing she told us is that he’s not a very good person, but we’ve been suspecting there’s a lot more to it than that. It can’t be a coincidence that the academy promo goes out on the same day she gets a message that makes her physically ill. He must have reached out to her.”
David’s mouth flattens into a thin line. “Barb texted me the gist of it, and yeah, it’s from him.”
“Is there anything you can tell us about what happened there that any little ears won’t pick up on?” Phillip asks.
“All I'll say is that however bad you think it is, it's probably going to be worse. She's going to need you three tonight.”
“But how are we going to get her to talk to us?” I ask frustratedly. “All she does is change the subject immediately or give us a vague response.”
“She was always a stubborn little girl and she's an even more stubborn woman now that she's grown.” He chuckles. “The nice word for it is determined, I guess. When she gets an idea into that big old brain of hers, there's nothing on earth that can stop her. Unfortunately, right now, she's got the idea that she has to deal with everything on her own.”
“But how?—”
He holds up a hand, stopping Jamie mid-sentence. “I was getting there.
“I think what you need to do is tell her how much you care and remind her that you're in this together.”
“We've been trying all week,” I grumble. “She just keeps changing the subject, just like with her ex.”
“Tell her what you told me earlier today about not going anywhere until she sends you packing. Let her know how much you want to help and as gently as you can, don't let her change the subject. Maybe don't push too hard tonight on the ex—she’s pretty fragile right now—but you should tell her exactly how you feel. More importantly, just make her feel safe tonight.”
About halfway through our meal, Barb bustles into the diner and heads to our table faster than a heat-seeking missile.
“This isn’t good,” David mutters.
After giving Leo no less than a thousand kisses, she drops into the seat next to her husband.
“We’re taking Leo tonight,” she says in lieu of a greeting.
“How bad?” he asks.
“The last time I saw her like this was before the court case.”
“Damn.”
Worry buzzes under my skin, and I wonder briefly if this is how beehives feel.
“Can you explain a little more?” I ask.
She glances over to Leo. “Not at the moment, but I think you gentlemen should get some boxes if you’re not finished with your meals. I don’t think she should be alone that long.”
“Then why did you leave her in the first place?” I demand.
When I see the look on her face and hear Leo’s whimper, I realize how much of an asshole I was being.
“I’m sorry. I’m worried about her, but that’s no excuse for raising my voice.” I turn my gaze to Leo. “I’m sorry if I scared you, buddy.”
“Big feel?” he asks.
“Yeah, I had a big feeling in my heart and I got loud. Are we still friends?”
“Yes.” Leo nods. “More chickies, peas.”
As soon as the pieces of nugget hit his plate, he’s back to his sunshiny self.
I look back to Barb. “Let me try this again. I know you wouldn’t leave her if she was in serious trouble, but I still need to ask the question for my own peace of mind. Is she in the kind of headspace where she’s a danger to herself?”
“I wouldn’t have left her if she was.” She turns to her husband. “Why don’t you take Leo to look at the dessert case while I talk to them?”
When they’re out of earshot, she says, “It’s not that she’d hurt herself or is a danger to anyone. It’s more that she completely shuts down until she’s alone and then she’ll spend hours buried under a heap of horrible memories. She was trying to close herself off gradually so I wouldn’t notice and would be more inclined to leave her alone. I let her think it worked because on days like this, her pride is all she has left, which isn’t always a good thing.
“It’s hard for her to fall apart around other people, especially when it’s her father and me.” She shakes her head sadly. “Avery hates feeling like she’s a burden or a problem to the point where it’s hard for her to have certain emotions in front of people. I just want her not to be alone with this tonight, and with the way she was acting around me, I didn’t want to hurt her further by forcing my company on her.”
“If she doesn’t want you around, what choice do we have?” I ask hopelessly.
“I’ve seen the way she looks at you all. You make her feel safe in a way that we aren’t able to. It’s different when it’s your partner than when it’s your parent. If she opens up to anyone at all, it’ll be you three.”
“Somehow, I don’t seem to be hungry anymore. I don’t think I’ll be able to finish this,” Phillip says, plunking a twenty on the table.
“I was feeling full myself,” Jamie agrees as he puts a handful of bills on the table.
“Me too,” I say, adding my own money to the pile. “Let’s say goodbye to Leo and David on our way out? It was so nice to finally meet you.”
“Hold on, you’re going to need my spare key for Avery’s place. The last thing she needs to deal with tonight is the noise from that awful buzzer.”
She unclips a set of keys from the key ring and hands them to us.
“Thank you.”
We start to walk away, but she stops us again.
“You’ve left enough money to cover meals and dessert for a party twice this size. There’s no need for that. We can pay for ourselves and Leo.”
“Absolutely not,” Jamie says. “This is on us. Grab a meal or some dessert, or both.”
“But that still would leave?—”
“The waitress with an excellent tip,” I interrupt. “She was great and deserves every penny of what’s left. More than that, actually.” I put another twenty on the table. “I’ve worked with a lot of waitresses over the years, and I know they don’t get half as much as they deserve.”
“She’s so lucky to have men like you.” Barb smiles.
“Wrong again, Ma’am. We’re the lucky ones.”
“Where did Leo and David go?” Phillip asks. “I didn’t think the dessert case was that big. They should be back by now.”
“Based on the number of empty juice boxes on the table, I imagine Leo had to use the restroom.” She chuckles. “Don’t worry, I’ll tell them goodbye for you.”
“Thank you.”
We fill the twenty minutes it takes to get to Avery’s with mindless, nervous chatter. It’s much safer than worrying—at least for me, it is.
If I start dwelling on every little thing she might be doing or feeling, I won’t be able to stop. I won’t be any good to her if I go down that rabbit hole right now.
When we step into her condo, it’s quiet—horror movie quiet. I’m half expecting some killer clown or demon to jump out of the shadows.
It’s clear she’s not in the main area, so that leaves two bathrooms and two bedrooms for us to check.
“Hall bathroom door is open. No one in there,” Phillip whispers.
The whispering is unnecessary—there’s no sleeping child to worry about waking—but it feels right all the same.
Leo’s room is empty too, so that leaves her room.
I feel my brows knit together when I see her empty bathroom and no Avery shaped lump in the bed.
Did she go somewhere?
No, not unless she walked. You parked right next to her, remember?
A worried look and a tremor of dread passes between the three of us.
I’m about to pull out my phone and call her parents when I hear the tiniest sniff coming from under the bed.
With a slight groan that betrays my age, I lie on the floor to peer under the bed.
“Hey, there. Why are you under the bed, Princess?” I ask softly as Phillip and Jamie come to sit on either side of me.
Her voice is so jagged I could cut myself on it. “Everywhere else is too bright and too exposed. No one can see or sneak up on me under here.”
I swear I can actually hear my heart shattering along with Jamie and Phillip’s.
“I had a coworker like you once. Something horrible happened to her, and every so often, I’d find her buried in the breakroom closet. She said something similar when I asked her about it.”
“You don’t think I’m some kind of freak?”
“Of course not.”
“You should,” she mutters.
“Why would we think that?” Phillip asks. “So many of my patients who have been through trauma feel much safer with their backs to things, in dark rooms, or both. It isn’t anything to be ashamed of.”
“I’m almost twenty-two and I’m hiding under my bed like a loser. I absolutely should be ashamed.”
“Are you hurting yourself by doing this?” Phillip asks.
“No.”
“What about anyone else?”
“No.”
“Then I think this is a perfectly fine way to cope.”
“It’s pathetic. You should leave so you don’t have to see me like this.”
“Avery, you’re not the only one who's done something like this.” Jamie takes a shaky breath. “For a long time after Julia died, I was a shell of myself. When things got really bad, I’d sit in her side of our walk-in closet with my back to the wall and just breathe in the way she smelled. Does that mean I’m pathetic?”
“Of course not. You were going through so much.”
“So then why isn’t it okay for you?”
Phillip and I share surprised looks.
I never knew he did that. He always seemed so put together on the outside. I should have looked closer, dug deeper.
After a long silence, I hear her scoot closer to us.
“How did you stop?”
“It took me longer than it should have because I thought I could do everything myself. I showed everyone a me that was put together and grieving appropriately—whatever that means. I got so closed off that it nearly cost me my friendship with the best friends I’ve ever had. It wasn’t until after I’d driven someone we all cared for away that I finally realized I needed to let them in fully.
“When I did, I stopped needing the closet. Now when I’m missing her, I spray a little bit of her favorite perfume in the air and think about the good times. It was hard, but I got there. You can do that too, but you’ve got to start letting people into more of the difficult bits.”
“We want to care about every part of you,” I add. “If you’d let us, we’d love to help you through anything and everything.”
She’s right at the edge of the bed. I’m overwhelmed by the urge to reach under and pull her out, so I sit on my hands. If I want her to trust me with things like this, then I need to act trustworthy.
If I force her out, we’ll lose her. Even though it hurts every part of me to do it, I know I need to wait for her to come to us.
“I’m not worth it,” she whispers. “You’re better off finding someone better, someone less broken.”
“We’re all broken. You’ll see that if you decide to let us in. So, how about we take care of each other?” I ask, reaching toward her with my heart in my throat.
Please, I beg the universe. Please let her take my hand.