Chapter 17
Chapter Seventeen
~MAGGIE~
“ I can’t sleep,” I say and look over at Cam, who’s watching me in the moonlight. “I should be so tired because we’ve done nothing but scramble for the last two days to get ready for this trip, but I’m all worked up and can’t just lie in this bed anymore.”
“Okay,” he says and sits up, rubbing his hands over his face. “What do you want to do?”
“Can we go to the beach?”
He’s quiet, and then he nods. “Sure. It’s dark, so we won’t be able to see much, but why not?”
We climb out of bed, quickly dress in layers because it’ll be chilly out by the water, and then we’re in my car, driving over to the beach’s public access. I cut the engine, and Cam and I walk hand in hand to the sand.
“We can see the whitecaps on the waves,” I point out. “They glow in the moonlight.”
“It’s pretty, even at three in the morning,” he agrees and leads me to a washed-up log, where we sit and listen to the music of the ocean.
“I used to come down here,” he says after a moment, “when I was a teenager, and my dad was passed-out drunk. I hated my home life, Mags. I hated that my mom left when I was young and didn’t tell me why. No one ever explained it to me. One day, she was just gone. And for a long time, I used to wonder what I did wrong to chase her away.”
I lay my cheek on his shoulder. “It wasn’t your fault. You know that, right?”
“Now I do, yeah. Some parents just shouldn’t be parents, and I get that it wasn’t anything I did that made her leave. But it messed me up a bit. And then I started hanging out with Kane more and more, spent time at your house, and I saw what a family was supposed to look like. At first, I resented it. I was totally jealous of what Kane had with all of you, but you know how your parents just swallow you up and include you in everything, whether you like it or not?”
I laugh, thinking of what I said to Heather. “Oh, yeah, I get it.”
“One day, I forgot to be jealous and just accepted that I was part of the family. I spent less time at home. And, frankly, I don’t think my dad even noticed much. It was probably a relief to him. And then, I went away to the Army because I needed the structure. I needed to feel as if I belonged somewhere, and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to afford college on my own.”
“Did you like being in the Army?” I ask him.
“Yeah, I did. I liked the guys I served with, and when I found out that computers were my jam, and they put me through school for it, I was grateful again. I went from being in a shitty situation to having an opportunity to break that cycle. And I held on to it with both hands. Then chose a field that gives me a comfortable lifestyle. But it has its trade-offs.”
“You can’t talk about it,” I whisper.
“That’s the biggest one,” he admits. “It’s not that I’m a gossip, you know? I’ve never been one to offer up a bunch of information that isn’t somebody’s business. But it’s not easy to have this huge job that literally no one can know about. No matter how much I trust someone or love them, I can’t tell them what I have going on. I’ve signed agreements that state I can be incarcerated if I break that promise.”
“I’m sorry that I gave you so much crap for always being so secretive and for not being around,” I say, cupping his cheek in my palm. “I guess I’m selfish. I want to know because I care about you, and I want to know everything that you have going on. Not because I’m nosy.”
“I get that. It’s a simple, ‘ Hey, honey, how was your day?’ But I can’t tell you about my day most of the time. And I hate that part of it. If I’d known, way back when, that this was how it would be, I’m not so sure I’d do it again.”
I frown and notice that the sky is starting to lighten with the early signs of dawn. “My da always says that if you change what happened before, the now would be different, too. And I wouldn’t change this moment with you, Cam. I wouldn’t wish this away.”
“Me, either.”
“I promise you I won’t get angry about your job. When you have to be vague, or if you can’t say anything at all, I won’t hold it against you.”
He kisses my forehead and takes a long, deep breath. “Thank you. I would never do anything to make you lose your trust in me. Just always remember that.”
“I know you wouldn’t. I do trust you. How could I not, after everything we’ve been through?”
We’re quiet again, listening to the waves and watching as the day awakens.
“I always wanted to live on the water,” I say to him, surprised that I’m confessing this for the first time out loud. “When Joey and I were looking for a house, I said I wanted to be close to the ocean, and he scoffed. Said we couldn’t afford it, and even if we could, a house exposed to the elements and salt water would require too much maintenance. Of course, I didn’t know that he had a whole slew of money hidden away.
“I feel more alive when the sea is in view than I do at any other time in my life. It’s like it fuels my soul somehow, you know? It rejuvenates me. And I can picture myself with a little vegetable garden so I can grow food to put in my recipes. Of course, there’s a dog sleeping in the sunshine, and maybe a swing set in the yard.”
I swallow hard and then take a shaky breath.
“I’ve never told anyone that before. I’d stopped daydreaming about those things.”
“I think you should start again, Mary Margaret,” Cam says and wraps his arm around my shoulders. “I like that particular daydream.”
“I do, too.” God, have I ever felt so content? So at ease? I don’t think I’ve trusted anyone the way I do Cam. I know that I could open my soul to him, the way I just did, and I would be safe.
And that’s more than love.
That’s everything.
“Cam, are you about ready?” I call up the stairs at his house. Our flight leaves in four hours, and with a ferry ride ahead of us, we need to get a move on. But there’s no answer. “Cam?”
I could have sworn I just heard him up there.
I climb the stairs and check his bedroom, but it’s empty. I swing around to his office, but he’s not in there, either. He was just here, though, because his computer is on, and his email lights the screen.
“Cam?”
I turn to leave, but then a single word on the computer screen catches my eye.
Lemon.
I know, deep in my heart, that I have no business looking at this email, but before I can talk myself out of it, I take a step closer.
I need you back on the Lemon case. New information has come to light that I know you can dig deeper on. Similar to five years ago in the Caymans. Call me.
-R
“Sorry, I had to go grab a bag—” Cam’s voice trails off when he sees me looking at the computer screen. His eyes narrow. “Maggie.”
“Don’t you dare Maggie me.” I prop my hands on my hips. “Tell me this isn’t about my late husband.”
“It must not have gone to sleep when I told it to.”
“I don’t care about that,” I reply and feel my heart stop. “Tell me this isn’t about Joey.”
“I can’t tell you that.” His voice is as flat as his blue eyes, which are now emotionless.
“Tell me what this is about.”
“I can’t do that, either. You know I can’t.”
“Cameron.” My heart is pounding in double-time now. “Damn it, say something. You’re the one who reminded me just this morning that we don’t keep secrets, damn it. That you’d never keep something from me that would hurt me.”
“I can’t talk about this. I’m sorry, Mags, but I can’t.”
“You’re sorry.” I nod slowly. “You had information about my husband five fucking years ago , and you didn’t tell me about it. You know what you are, Cam? You’re a hypocrite.”
“Maggie, just stop it.” His voice is hard. Angry. “We just talked about this hours ago. You know I can’t tell you what I know, even if every fiber in me screams to talk about it. I can’t. I’m no hypocrite. I’m doing my fucking job.”
I shake my head in denial. Of course, I can accept his job when it involves strangers. But when it’s about my husband? About me ?
And then it hits me.
“Wait. If you were investigating Joey, you were investigating me. ”
His jaw clenches, but he doesn’t say anything at all.
“ Cameron! ”
“I. Can’t. Talk. About. It.”
“Fine, I’m out of here.” I hurry past him and jog down the steps. “I have a plane to catch, and I don’t want you to go.”
“Good,” he says stiffly. Tears threaten, but I’ll be damned if I shed a single one with him watching. “I think, given the circumstances, it’s time for a break. Maybe this isn’t what I thought it was, Mary Margaret.”
“Right. Great.” I grab my purse and walk out the door to my car with my bag already in the back. Then, I drive away from Cam’s house. I have a plane to Ireland to catch.
“Damn it.” I slap the steering wheel as I drive toward the ferry. “He’s been lying to me for years. He knew about the Caymans all along. How could he do this to me?”
With tears on my cheeks, I drive my SUV onto the ferry and take a long, deep breath.
I’m going without him.