27. The Orgasm Expert
TWENTY-SEVEN
The Orgasm Expert
Sunday, 22 September, 11.30pm
Just got home after a drink with The Orgasm Expert. I needed a bit of fun and distraction from my troubles and boy did he provide it. He’s not much of a conversationalist but hey, you can’t have everything. I haven’t fancied anyone this much since THO. They do have similar bodies, all lean and tall but this one is olive-skinned – a definite improvement on THO’s almost translucent white skin. I shouldn’t be comparing, but THO still hasn’t bought a one-way ticket to oblivion.
Back to The Orgasm Expert. I realise he didn’t tell me anything about himself except his supposed skills in the orgasm department but surprisingly I don’t care that I know nothing about him. I asked him about his job and where he lives, etc. but he was evasive and what little he did tell me didn’t ring true. So exactly what does a business consultant do? The conversation was dull and felt like it was from a Dating for Dummies book, so I wasn’t sure if I wanted to stay for long. THEN, he leaned over and kissed me slowly and luxuriously. He touched my back and a couple of his fingers strayed under the hem of my top and sent ripples down my body. It was electric and I knew I wanted more of it.
Monday, 23 September, 11.30pm
More texts from The Orgasm Expert, wanting to demonstrate what he does best. He’s coming round on Wednesday. I hope he’ll want a marathon, not a sprint. I hope it’s a slow-cooked meal for two, not a takeaway for one. I hope he’s read the Kama Sutra not Sex for Beginners .
Thursday, 26 September, 11.30pm
There was no time for writing a diary last night. No siree, I was too busy having orgasms. He certainly did not disappoint. Three times. And each time with a different technique.
Technique One, Finger – Just the right amount of pressure and speed so it didn’t feel like an electric sander. No other body parts touching which made it more intense. AND he got down on his knees and watched the action close up. I felt like saying, hey I want to see what’s going on down there.
Technique Two, Tongue – He should patent that tongue action. It went up, down, round, in and out, not leaving any nooks or crannies un-nibbled.
Technique Three, Junior, mark II – He seemed to operate at 360 degrees, and he’s obviously mastered the right position for optimum orgasm-giving to within 0.01 degree.
He smiled to himself every time it happened, as though his purpose in life was being fulfilled. None of it was out of the ordinary but somehow, he knew how to perform it to perfection. I christened him well as The Orgasm Expert.
Friday, 27 September, 8.30pm
Phoned Sara on the landline and she picked up but hung up when she heard my voice. WTF? Leila is right. I’ll leave it for a bit. She’s bound to realise at some point that I’M the injured party.
Saturday, 28 September, 11.30pm
Grace told me she was thinking of leaving her job. She said she’s had it with all the stress, and that having cancer has made her rethink her priorities. She wants a less stressful job but has no idea what, only that it has to be joyful.
‘What about a dating agency for middle-aged people? Going by my abysmal experience, we really need someone with a personal touch that puts some thought into matching people with similar passions. The apps are OK if you like digital dating, but maybe it’s time to go back to meeting in real life. And think of all the love and joy you’d be spreading.’
‘I don’t know anything about running a dating agency,’ she said.
‘You’re great with money and people, and you have a massive brain. You can work it out. And I can help you with PR. You know I had a PR agency before I met you, right?’
‘No, I did not! You amaze me, Sophia.’
While we talked about the possibilities for a new business for Grace, people kept stopping to pet Terry and we’d stroke their dogs, chat for a bit, and move on. And that’s when it came to me.
‘A dating agency for dog owners. You could call it Date Hound or Puppy Love. Or Pooch Passion. Or Dating Walkies. Brilliant. Yes?’
Grace laughed and said she’d think about it.
Sunday, 29 September, 10.30pm
I had a lovely weekend with The Orgasm Expert doing the kitchen to bed run. He sure has lots of energy and can perform at the drop of a hat. Or should that be at the drop of a skirt? His conversation was quite limited, though, and consisted mainly of making lists about things he could see in front of him.
‘I like this Chilean wine,’ he said at dinner. ‘Wine can be from lots of places – Californian, Australian or Argentinian. There’s also Bavarian and French.’ OMG.
‘I like Italian food,’ he said, after I cooked pasta. ‘There are different foods from many countries in London. Indian, Chinese, Italian. There’s also Thai, Japanese and Turkish.’ Double OMG.
I prefer his sexual repetition habits. After he’d gone, I realised that this is the first time I’ve fancied someone without feeling any attachment or emotions towards him. Not that I don’t care about him but enjoying sex with him doesn’t need an emotional commitment from me or him. It just means I don’t need to have the whole of him. In fact, I find it surprisingly liberating to enjoy amazing sex with someone who doesn’t have relationship potential. He seems to like me, but I don’t know if his feelings are engaged either and he is obviously hiding his true life from me, so I think that makes us even. If nothing else, I’ve achieved my New Year’s challenge of mastering marvellous, mind-blowing sex without emotional entanglement.