28. The Orgasm Expert Again and Again
TWENTY-EIGHT
The Orgasm Expert Again and Again
Tuesday, 1 October, 11.30pm
Had a text from Cement Man inviting me to his engagement party. Leila gave me the lowdown. Apparently, he met and fell in love with a woman in the – wait for it – cement business! Even Cement Man has met someone who wants to marry him. I’m happy for him. Everyone deserves to be loved. But I’m also a little jealous. I want to ask, what’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t anyone want to marry me? Have I been the architect of my singledom, or have I just been unlucky? Begone, green-eyed monster.
Thursday, 3 October, 11.30pm
Went to check on progress on Cassandra and Edward’s bedroom only to find the expensive tropical jungle wallpaper that went all the way up the vaulted ceiling had been hung upside down.
Friday, 4 October, 11.30pm
Leila and Jude are going to Monte Carlo tomorrow for two weeks. I don’t know how she can stomach it.
Sunday, 6 October, 11.30pm
The Orgasm Expert came round for some afternoon delight, which is our thing now. We did have one conversation today about the phenomenon of super-orgasms, which featured in a documentary earlier in the week. Never mind three orgasms. Some women have up to 100 orgasms at each sitting – so to speak. I remember one of them saying, ‘Oh I was tired last night. I only had thirty-four orgasms. I’ve been known to have sixty-two.’ The Orgasm Expert said he’d like to meet one of those women. I said I’d like to know who was doing the counting.
I think neither of us thinks this – having fantastic orgasms – is going to develop into a relationship. We never make plans or do stuff together. We meet occasionally and it’s purely for sex. And that’s fine. But is it enough? I thought I just wanted sex until I met THO. Now I’m confused. I’m still going to have other dates and see what happens.
Tuesday, 8 October, 11.30pm
Had a video date with Mr Horizontal tonight. I did my makeup, got changed and set my mobile up on a stand in front of the sofa with a glass of wine to hand, so it would be as near to a real date as possible. He, on the other hand, was wearing a ripped T-shirt (not cool, just old) and was lying in bed. I wanted to say, ‘Really? You can’t even be bothered to sit up?’ I was perky and ready to mingle but his energy was so low that, after about twenty minutes, I deflated like a plastic puppy with a slow puncture. Anyway, it wouldn’t have worked. The interior designer in me could never have slept in that bedroom. #MankyDuvetCover #ClashingWallpaper #MyEyesHurt
Wednesday, 9 October, 11.30pm
Jude keeps posting lovey-dovey holiday pictures of him and Leila on Insta. He makes me sick. I’ve unfollowed him.
Friday, 11 October, 11.30pm
It’s OK having a sex buddy and no relationship. I’m self-sufficient. I don’t need a prince to rescue me. This could be the way to go. I’m not missing out by not having a partner in life.
Saturday, 12 October, 1.30pm
Ace came to brunch today, which was lovely. I didn’t realise I’d missed him so much. After the concert in Brussels next week, he’s not touring anymore. He said he’d had enough of living out of suitcases and wanted to spend more time at home with his friends, and to jam with his new Latin band. He’s buying a flat in Bermondsey and wants me to help him decorate. I’m looking forward to seeing him more often. He was so good to me after my accident, and he puts so much into our friendship. I really appreciate his kindness and generosity. Now he needs me to help set up his new life and I want to do my best for him. I appear to be more excited than usual at the prospect of a new project.
I think Grace is much better and finally starting to feel like her old self again. She even said she’s thinking about my doggie dating idea.
Sunday, 13 October, 11.30pm
The Orgasm Expert wanted to see if he could turn me into a super-orgasm woman, and who was I to deny him that pleasure? I won’t need to do any exercise for the next few days. I must have burnt a whole week’s worth of calories. I had to admit defeat after four. My muscles gave up and I felt like I was more likely to pee than orgasm.
Afterwards, we had a couple of glasses of wine and pizza for calories as he listed the different types of pizza – margherita, four cheese, ham and mushroom, and on and on and on. Then he went onto types of pizza base – deep pan, thin crust, calzone. I don’t know what goes on in his head when he lists things, but I wish he’d stop. Sometimes I kiss him just to stop the lists pouring out. The sex is sooo good, but I don’t know if I can bear the conversation, or lack of it, anymore. I think we’re coming to the end of the road with this arrangement. Or should that be the end of the list?
Monday, 14 October, 11.30pm
Project Toilet is back on. Hurrah! I’d better start looking for an aquarium.
Wednesday, 16 October, 11.30pm
Ace got the keys to his new flat today, so I went round to have a look and celebrate with him. The views were spectacular, but the place was in serious need of updating. The oak kitchen cabinets had turned orange, and the bathrooms were altogether too beige. The previous owners had left behind a beaten-up leather sofa and two red bistro chairs.
‘So how do you want to decorate your bachelor pad? All black leather and red satin sheets with remote control dimmers?’ I nodded in the direction of the sofa.
‘That sounds like something I definitely don’t want,’ he said, wrinkling his nose.
‘I’m teasing you. We’re not in the 80s. Bachelor pads can be quite tasteful these days.’
‘Who said I want a bachelor pad? No, I want something cosy and inviting to come home to, but not boring. Do you know what I mean?’ he asked.
‘When you say inviting, who are you thinking of inviting? Laaadies?’ I wanted to know more. He laughed and didn’t reply so I persisted. ‘Really, as your interior designer, I need to know what kind of activities will be going on in each room, so I can design for purpose. For example, should the master bathroom have one basin or two?’
‘Definitely two. And enough wardrobe space for two,’ he said.
‘You’ve changed your tune. Have you met someone?’
‘I just want to futureproof.’
‘Are you futureproofing for anyone in particular? Should I speak to her?’
He didn’t reply but opened the champagne, and we walked around and talked about the design. After a few glasses, I felt braver.
‘Come on, Ace, you can tell me. Who is it?’ I said, leaning on the black granite island.
He looked at his glass and ran a finger around the rim. ‘My divorce came through today.’
‘Oh, I’m so sorry.’
‘Don’t be. It’s over and I’m moving on. I’m feeling optimistic. New flat, new life and all that. And you never know, maybe a new relationship.’
‘That’s a good way to think about it,’ I said, ‘but, do you wish you hadn’t been unfaithful, and you were still together?’ He gave me a puzzled look. ‘Are you still seeing the woman you had an affair with?’
He let out a long breath. ‘I told you before. I didn’t have an affair.’
‘But you said Kelly left because of a betrayal.’
‘Yes, but I didn’t tell you I was the one who’d been unfaithful. You just assumed I had. It was Kelly who had an affair.’
I put my hand to my mouth in disbelief. Had I misjudged him all this time? Come to my own untrue conclusions? Why do I always think people are having affairs?
‘Why didn’t you say anything? Surely not out of loyalty to Kelly if she betrayed you?’
He picked at the limescale around the tap. ‘If I’d told you, it would have made it more real. I didn’t want to face the truth, because … remember I went to Jamaica for New Year? It wasn’t just to do the charity concert. I wanted my aunt’s advice … because the affair was with … my dad.’
‘Whoa! Your dad? Kelly and your dad? How?’
‘I think I told you he had that car accident and broke his wrist about a year ago. I was away with work, and I was so grateful to Kelly for looking after him. Apparently, she cared for him a little too well. Our marriage wasn’t perfect, but still … it was a double betrayal.’
‘How did you find out?’
‘One time I caught an earlier flight home because she said Dad was taking her out for dinner to thank her, so I thought I’d surprise them. I got to the restaurant and saw them holding hands and looking into each other’s eyes. They couldn’t deny it. Afterwards, she said she was sorry, and could we try again? I did try but I just couldn’t get past what they’d done. I haven’t seen Dad since then.’
‘That is … a lot. It’s fucked up. You poor love. All this time you’ve been coping with that, and I thought you were the one who’d behaved badly. I’m so sorry.’ Then I remembered the ponytailed woman at his door. ‘But that day when I came over and you told me about the divorce, I saw you kissing a woman on the doorstep. That was why I assumed you’d cheated. Who was she?’
He shook his head. ‘That was Juliette, Cliff’s wife. I didn’t know how to tell Cliff about Dad, so I asked her to do it for me.
‘Juliette? Your brother’s wife?’
I am an idiot. I am the CEO of Jumping to Conclusions Ltd, with a first-class degree in Wild Judgemental Imaginations.
He told me the affair had gone on for a few months, but they stopped seeing each other after Ace found out. Then he admitted their marriage wasn’t working and, in a way, it was all for the best. He could start a new chapter of his life. I gave him a long hug. As I drew away, our faces close, we locked eyes, and I panicked and pulled away. I felt sad afterwards, for Ace and for myself. I’d been wrong about him and blamed him when I should have trusted him. I’d projected my own insecurities onto him when he was suffering and needed my support. I should have been a better friend to him, like he is to me. I messed up, big time. Now he’s divorced and he’s met someone and decided to stop touring to be with her. It must be serious if he’s planning a cosy home for two. I’m pleased for him after what he’s been through, but I don’t know how to feel about it.
And why is my default conclusion always that people are having affairs? Did Premature Paul plant a seed of doubt in my mind for all future relationships, and The Traitor finished off the job and made me bitter and twisted? There was a time I only thought the best of people unless they proved me wrong. Now I assume everybody is a cheater. I must try harder and not let past experiences continue to rule my thoughts.
P.S. I admit, I was wrong. It looks like Ace is perfect after all.
Thursday, 17 October, 11.30pm
It’s Ace’s last concert tonight in Brussels so he’ll be home for good tomorrow. I’m really looking forward to having him around and spending more time with him. I’ve been working on the design for his flat today. I kept stopping and wondering who would be living with him there. I don’t know how I feel about helping him set up a cosy nest so he can move her in. Whoever it is, she’ll be lucky to live with Ace. He’s such a caring, thoughtful and supportive man. The kind of man who’s exciting yet reliable, talented and humble, honest but not cruel. Am I jealous of her? Yes, I probably am. That’s exactly the kind of man I want in my life.
To distract myself, I checked Ladybird to find I had a match. His profile says he wants a dog lover, and his black miniature schnauzer does look cute.