29. The Dog Lover
TWENTY-NINE
The Dog Lover
Friday, 18 October, 7.30am
Quite excited as I ended up texting The Dog Lover last night. He’s obsessive about his dog Dexter, but let’s see. I’m meeting him for a drink after work tonight. It’s been ages since I had a date.
11.30pm
Dexter was as adorable as his photo (his owner didn’t look too bad either). In the pub, people kept stopping and petting him – Dexter that is – and the bar staff brought water and treats. Note to self: borrow a dog for pulling? Anyway, it was going OK, and we were on our second round of drinks when Dexter, who’d eaten most of my crisps, took a liking to me and climbed onto my right leg and started humping.
‘Can you get him off me, please?’ I asked The Dog Lover who was unperturbed.
‘He likes you. Crisps are his favourite. He’s saying thank you.’
‘I mean it, please get him off me.’ It was embarrassing. Dexter’s fans were looking and laughing.
‘Just relax. He’ll stop in a minute,’ he said. Was he serious? Was I supposed to wait till his dog finished humping my leg?
‘Please make him stop. This is not consensual,’ I said, quite loudly as I tried to shake him off, but Dexter was holding on like my leg was the love of his life.
The Dog Lover reluctantly peeled Dexter off me and put him under the table. Presumably, he finished himself off on his owner’s shin.
‘Dexter’s just cuddly and he gets excited. When I still lived with my ex-wife, he used to sleep between us in bed. And sometimes’—he sat forward and grinned—‘if me and the missus were, you know, getting amorous, he’d join in.’ He laughed as though this was the sweetest thing and not at all strange.
‘What do you mean, join in?’ I asked, not sure I wanted to know the answer.
‘You know, if I was on top, he’d climb onto my back, and bark as we went at it. Sometimes, he’d peer over my shoulder and look at my wife and a bit of dribble would fall onto her,’ he said, smiling wistfully, and patted Dexter who was now sitting next to him and eyeing up the rest of my crisps.
I finished my drink and stood up. ‘It was nice meeting you. And Dexter, but I’m not as much of a doggy lover as you wanted,’ I said.
I hope he finds a suitable applicant for the doggy position.
Saturday, 19 October, 11.30pm
In other dog news, went with Ace to pick up his new dog Winnie, the most darling cockapoo puppy. The two of them together are adorable. He cuddled and kissed her. Then I cuddled and kissed her. I felt like we should be kissing and cuddling each other too, and there was an awkward moment when we were really close, but we stopped and both snuggled Winnie instead. I sort of wish we hadn’t stopped. Is that weird? Maybe it was my excitement of seeing Winnie. I could grow to love this little one, but I hope she’s better behaved than Dexter.
Sunday, 20 October, 11.30pm
Spent the afternoon with The Orgasm Expert. I don’t think the sex makes up for our incompatibility anymore and I didn’t feel as turned on as usual. The chat before sex was a passion killer. How can you feel sexy when someone is listing their junk mail? There were vouchers for the local pizzeria (he could tell them a thing or two about pizzas), a brochure for a foot massage machine and leaflets for fast cash loans. Please, make it stop.
Will he be upset if I finish it? I don’t think he has any feelings for me either but probably enjoys the no-strings-attached sex. I also think our arrangement is a bit of a distraction for me and I want to be free to find a real relationship. I’ll try harder if I don’t have orgasms on tap.
Monday, 21 October, 11.30pm
Met Grace tonight. She’s handed in her notice to her super high-powered job.
‘I never appreciated how precarious life can be. After everything I’ve been through with the cancer, the surgery and all the anxiety, I want to go all out and enjoy every single moment,’ she said. ‘And, I think your doggie dating idea could have legs.’
Yay. She’s thinking about Cupid Corgis or Matchmaker Mutts. She wants me and Ace to help her with a test event. I could ask The Dog Lover if I can borrow Dexter. He’s bound to get off with someone. Or I could turn up without a dog and share Winnie with Ace so people might think we’re together and leave him alone. It’s selfish of me, I know, but I don’t want Ace to meet anyone. He’s like a secret treasure I want to keep to myself, but then it wouldn’t be right to sabotage Grace’s event.
Wednesday, 23 October, 7.30am
MY BIRTHDAY! I’m sixty-one today. It’s such a huge number it scares me, but I’m cool with myself. I’m sorted. I’m resilient. I think. I’ve been through a lot lately. After months of travel, I immersed myself back into London life and picked up my business again. I’ve been on good dates, bad dates, funny dates, and downright ugly dates. I’ve had my heart broken, had a lot of orgasms and nearly died of a flip-flop related accident. But I’m good. Onwards.
P.S. Jude is coming to my birthday dinner on Friday. Why?
11.30pm
Mum and Dad called to wish me happy birthday. Separately. Nothing from Sara.
In other birthday-related news, this morning I asked The Orgasm Expert for a birthday orgasm, and he obliged using his finger and tongue techniques. I hadn’t intended to end our sex buddy arrangement today but afterwards, over coffee, he picked up a chocolate digestive and said, ‘There are lots of different biscuit types…’ I wanted to shove a bourbon into his mouth to make it stop. No more lists. I set him free to bring orgasmic joy to other women. #TakeHimOffMyHands #WillMissTheOrgasms
It was very grown up and amicable. We both knew it had run its course. No arguments, tears or expectations. Just lots of pure liberating sex and then it was over. At the beginning of the year, I wanted sex without emotional entanglement but didn’t know if I could do it. Now I’ve mastered it, I’m not sure it’s what I want. It feels too empty.
Thursday, 24 October, 11.30pm
Joy came – two days early – and spotted my birthday cards.
‘How old are you?’
‘Sixty-one,’ I said, and watched her eyes pop out of their sockets. She does that every year.
‘Sixty-one,’ she repeated. ‘That’s old. When do you retire?’
‘Not any time soon,’ I said.
‘Yes soon.’
Friday, 25 October, 9.30am
Phoned Dad to wish him happy birthday. Seventy-nine today. He’s been a wonderful dad to me despite being so young when he had me. His family has always been his priority, and of course he’s worshipped Mum for over sixty years. Lucky Mum.
But today he sounded down in the dumps. Relations seem to be getting worse between him and Mum. He’s spending a lot of time rehearsing with Consuela, and Mum’s been doing modelling again. I know they love each other, so if they don’t sort themselves out soon, I’ll have to intervene.
I’m going to try and forget about that for tonight and enjoy my birthday dinner.
Saturday, 26 October, 10.30am
Last night, I went for drinks and a meal for my birthday with Grace and Ajay, Leila and Jude, and Ace. It was the first time I’d seen Jude since the row back in August. He’s the last person I wanted to have at my birthday dinner, but Leila said he wanted to apologise and make things right, so I agreed for her sake. He pretended nothing had happened, but I couldn’t help being cool towards him. I went to the bar to order drinks, and while I was being served, Jude came up and offered to help. I thought he was trying to be nice, so I accepted.
‘Still single then?’ he asked, ignoring the drinks on the bar.
‘Yes.’
‘I hear you got dumped by text. He must have thought a lot of you to do that,’ he said. Of course he wasn’t being nice. He was deliberately trying to upset me, and he was succeeding.
‘Leave me alone, Jude. You’re here because of Leila and I don’t need your commentary on my love life,’ I said in an emphatic whisper. I was surprisingly calm even though inside I was fuming, and my eyes were filling up. I still feel raw from the episode with THO and don’t need my nose rubbed in it.
‘No need to be unfriendly.’ He put his arm round me. ‘You can always come to me if you fancy some cock.’
‘Fuck off, Jude.’ I tried to push him away, but he still had his arm round me, and I was trying to wriggle out of his grip when Ace walked past.
‘Hey, hey, what’s going on here?’ Ace asked. ‘Are you OK, Sophia?’
‘Jude insulted me then propositioned me.’
Ace turned to Jude, who was holding his palms up and backing away.
‘She’s delusional. And desperate. Every time I talk to her, she thinks I’m making a pass at her,’ he said and smirked.
‘Oy, stop that. You apologise to Sophia right now,’ Ace said, just as I lost it and slapped Jude. I should be ashamed of resorting to violence, but I’m not. I’m glad I did it. He deserved it. And I liked seeing a red handprint glowing on his smug face.
He felt his cheek, and his cocky expression changed to disbelief as he snatched my wrist. ‘You bitch.’
‘Don’t you dare touch her. Just get out, Jude,’ Ace said and made a grab for Jude’s arm.
‘Don’t be like that, Kenny G. I understand. You’re jealous she came on to me and not you,’ Jude said. ‘You know she’s blown every trumpet in London except yours, don’t you?’
By this time, Leila, Grace and Ajay had seen the commotion and had come over.
‘Come on, babe, we’re leaving,’ Jude said to Leila, turning to go.
‘No, you’re not,’ Ace said as he pulled Jude’s shoulder back and punched his face, right in the spot where I’d slapped him. I enjoyed the punch too.
The look on Jude’s face was priceless. He felt his cheek again and a trickle of blood oozed out of the corner of his mouth. ‘Come on then. Let’s go outside, Kenny G. I’m gonna smash your face so you can’t blow anymore.’
The two of them went outside before the bar manager got to them, with me and Leila grabbing at them to stop, and Grace and Ajay following. Outside, they locked horns for a few seconds and grappled with each other. Then Ace pushed at Jude’s chest, and he fell to the ground, but before they could carry on fighting, Leila managed to drag Jude and make him walk away.
Ace rubbed his knuckles, and shouted after him, ‘Kenny G plays the saxophone!’
Dinner was muted after that, but I was happy not to be looking at Jude’s face anymore. What story did he spin to Leila when they got home? I’m sure he’ll try and squirm his way out of it and say it was all a misunderstanding. Will she believe him this time?
Going to call Ace to see if his hand is OK and to say thank you for being a hero. Seeing him defend me like that warmed my heart. I’ve always wanted someone who puts me first and supports me. I can see Ace would do that for me. How lovely would it be to have him by my side the whole time to look out for me? And for me to look out for him. Now I know he’s not a cheater, it changes everything. I’m seeing him in a different light. And I’m getting unexpected but not entirely unwelcome vagina throbs.
P.S. When I was pulling Ace away to stop him fighting Jude, I breathed in his aftershave, and it reminded me of Valencia and that lovely kiss.
11.30pm
Leila called to apologise for Jude. She said they’d had a terrible row on Friday night when they got home. As expected, Jude had told her he was being nice to me, and I misread it as him coming on to me. He was furious she hadn’t backed him up. I told her what he’d said to me.
‘I’m sorry about that. He’s having a tough time with his business and probably took it out on you without meaning it. He’s my husband, Sophia. I have to support him.’
Not if he’s a complete dick, you don’t. As far as I’m concerned, I’ll be ecstatic if I never see his ugly mug again. I hope Leila will see sense soon.
Grace texted.
How are you feeling? Sorry about your birthday dinner. Jude is a fucking nightmare
I’m OK thanks. Isn’t he just? I wish Leila would admit it to herself and get rid of him
Yeah but will she?
I have no idea.
He must have a giant dick or something! Ace was a hero though. Never seen him so angry.
Yeah, he was my knight in shining armour.
Sunday, 27 October, 10.30am
I realised that Friday was the first time I’d seen Leila and Jude together since our falling out. Things were different between them. Not as carefree and tactile as before. Can a leopard change its spots? I have a feeling Jude’s always been a manipulative nasty cheater and he’s not about to change. Why did he want to come anyway? To be horrible to me for putting doubts about him in Leila’s mind? Did he want to prove to Leila that I wanted him by pretending I’d made a pass at him again? Or he might want to cause a rift between me and Leila. Or all three.
11.30pm
I can’t help thinking about Ace on my birthday. He came to my aid and there was no doubt whose side he was on. I’m so independent and I can look after myself, but it was nice to have someone to protect me and be there for me. He’s such a good friend. But did he behave like a friend or someone who’s in love with me? Ace is Ace. Can I think of him as a lover, now I know he’s not a cheater? I’m starting to think maybe I can. #FriendsToLovers?
Monday, 28 October, 11.30pm
I had a sofa dream about me and Ace, dressed in matching beige macs, black trilbies, and dark sunglasses, and following Jude to take pictures of him with another woman. We showed them to Leila, and she kicked Jude out. We were laughing and singing ‘Good riddance’. Then we hugged and were about to kiss when I woke up.
That may be a good idea. Deep down, Leila knows what Jude is like and must be struggling to choose her next move. Seeing the evidence could help her decide. I don’t want to upset her, but I think Jude is doing that already and she may be happier without him.
P.S. I wish I hadn’t woken up when I did. Now, I can’t help wondering what a proper kiss with Ace would be like. Not one where I’m drunk and out of control, but a romantic one when we’re both into it and it’s a lovely lingering smooch. Hot flush alert.
Tuesday, 29 October, 11.30pm
Ace brought Winnie over and we went for a walk on Hampstead Heath.
‘I wanted to thank you for the other night. You were a complete hero,’ I said.
‘He had it coming. I’ve never trusted Jude.’
‘But you went above and beyond. You could have got hurt.’
‘Not by that little squirt,’ he said rubbing his still bruised knuckles.
‘I’ve never had anyone fight for me like that. It was quite exciting actually.’
He smiled with adorable twinkly eyes. ‘Well, I don’t want to make a habit of fighting, but you know I’ll always be there for you, don’t you?’
‘Yes,’ I said and thought about how much I wanted that.
I stroked his knuckles then caught myself and told him about my dream and asked if we should enact the sleuthing. Winnie barked her approval. She’d look good in our detective outfits.
Ace said, ‘Don’t be absurd.’
I curved my mouth down in mock sadness and looked up at him with puppy eyes. He laughed and pulled me in for a hug. It was so nice, I stayed there as long as I could. Then later, as I played with Winnie, I caught him gazing at me with an expression I couldn’t quite place. Was it tenderness? Or even longing? It stirred up unexpected feelings inside me that I quickly suppressed. I’m sure it was wishful thinking. He was probably thinking I’d be a good dog-sitter if he goes away. Still, I rather enjoyed the look.