CHAPTER 28
As it happened, there was a Bindu “mind doctor” on holiday on Ptekennan who agreed to meet me at the palace.
At first, I felt bad about interrupting her vacation, but Lanicar assured me that she was intrigued by the prospect of meeting a human, and getting a brief tour of the Palace - which typically was not open to offworlders - was an added bonus.
I had lunch with Kashtinela and the King in the receiving room.
I didn’t want to broach the subject of my therapy session with them, given the subject of the meeting, but it appeared Lanicar had already informed them.
After lunch, Kashtinela led me to a comfortable side room on the first floor and told me the Bindu would meet me there.
A servant brought two cups of Oonag and some pastries they said Selica had prepared especially for me. She knew I liked sweets.
The Bindu was much smaller than I expected.
She had to under four feet tall, and she was a perfectly round, blue ball with no limbs that I could see.
She slithered in, bunching her body up and extending it the way a snake might.
Given how round she was, I was surprised she didn’t roll.
Her undulating movement was fascinating, albeit a bit slow.
“Greetings, honored visitor,” I said, as she made her way to me.
“Greetings, human.” I heard in my mind. Similar to M’Pak, but a different voice.
It was loud and echoed through my head. I flinched, and then heard, in a softer tone, “My apologies. Learning to modulate for new species takes some guesswork.” I was grateful for my experience with M’Pak, otherwise I’d probably be freaking out right now.
“Hello, I’m Andie.”
“Yes, I know. I am Anixa. I am a mind healer,” she stared at me unblinking with two large round eyes. The irises were almost completely clear. I was mesmerized.
Anixa settled herself on a cushion. I realized she had no mouth, so I wasn’t sure if she could eat or drink.
Should I offer her the Oonag and pastries?
I was suddenly very unsure of how to proceed.
She solved the question for me by extending part of herself.
It was like something pushing out from the inside.
One side of her body rounded and she enveloped a pastry into her body.
In school I had seen videos of single-celled organisms surrounding food and forming a vacuole to take it in.
This was like a larger, live demo. I barely kept myself from staring at the skin as it re-smoothed itself over the ingested pastry. Fascinating.
“Delicious,” she said. “Sweeter than most Ptexari food I have tried while on holiday. Much of the food here is too spicy for me.”
“Yes,” I agreed. “I’ve been learning to cook here because I generally prefer things on the sweet or salty side. Or both.” I smiled at her.
Anixa positively radiated goodwill. She had a calming presence, and even though I suspected she could rummage around my head at will, she refrained.
“Tell me what is troubling you,” she began.
I started at the beginning and told her the whole sorry tale. The kidnapping, the cell, the journey here, the crash, the assault, and the aftermath. Even the suicide attempt.
“It’s been so much better since I moved to the village,” I assured her. “I haven’t had any desire to self-harm, and I have made good friends, so I don’t feel isolated anymore.”
“You went through a lot of trauma in a short period of time. Yet, you seem to be recovering well. Has something new happened? Why did you request my assistance?” she asked.
“I saw a mating ritual two days ago, and it was very triggering.”
“Describe what you saw.” I described the ritual. I hesitated when I told her how Miravel had said ‘Ahelno’ and Canticor gave chase. I didn’t fully describe the actual mating, but told her how I had a panic attack and threw up, and went home.
“This word, Ahelno, means ‘mate’ in Ptexari, but is a term of negation in your language, yes?”
“Yes. The Ptexari believe my rape was actually a misunderstanding on the male’s part. He thought I was initiating the mating ritual, but really I was saying ‘no’ and begging him to stop, but he didn’t speak my language and didn’t understand.”
“And what do you believe?” she asked.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“You said the Ptexari believe the rape was a misunderstanding. What do you believe?” she asked.
“I’m not sure. Maybe they’re right. But that means I’m at least partially responsible for what happened to me,” I said.
“You were not at fault,” she said.
“I know,” I said, but I wasn’t entirely sure.
“Based on what you told me, the male is not entirely at fault either.”
“Exactly. Seeing Miravel’s mating ritual, how closely it matched my experience, I could see his perspective.
If this is what he grew up seeing and expecting, then I acted just like Miravel.
There’s no reason he would think I wasn’t consenting.
The way she fought Canticor was exactly like I fought.
The words she said, the chase, the fight, everything was exactly what their mating ritual is supposed to be.
Seeing it in person, I can’t ignore that it wasn’t really his fault. ” My shoulders deflated.
“Does this bother you?”
“Well, yes.”
“Why?”
“Well, because if it wasn’t his fault, then it must be mine.”
She let me sit with that for a minute. It was the first time I had admitted it out loud. I knew I blamed myself. I had projected that anger onto Prince Dakleth because he was an easy scapegoat, but deep down, I felt like it was all my fault.
“What happened to you was NOT your fault, Andie,” Anixa said, gently.
“I’m not sure if I believe that.”
“Mistakes happen. This was a cultural misunderstanding - with the very worst outcome, to be sure. You did not know the Ptexari language. You did not know their ritual. You did not ask to be kidnapped from your home. You had just gotten out of a shipwreck and were not even in your right mind. I can sense that you speak truly when you say you did not wish to have sex in that moment, and no reasonable person could have expected you to know that your words and actions would trigger a mating ritual with a species you had never seen or heard of. Give yourself grace and accept that this was not your fault.”
“I’m not sure I can,” I whispered.
“Tell me, what would you have done differently? You had just been through an awful experience with one alien that you suspected intended to sell you or keep you in sexual slavery. Then another giant alien confronts you with his penis out of his skirt. What were you supposed to think? Were you just going to stand there and let him rape you? Because that is what your brain would logically have expected to happen if you did NOT attempt to flee or fight.”
I thought back to that first meeting. Dakleth was staring at me, eyes glowing, cock out, looming over me.
Could I have stayed still, held my hands up in surrender?
No. A thousand times no. I would have reacted the same way every time.
And given the circumstances, that was a reasonable response to what I was seeing.
For the first time, I felt something in my chest loosen. I shuddered. It felt like a piece of me unlocked.
Anixa’s warmth flowed through my mind like a gentle river.
It was a healing balm that offered comfort and reassurance.
“Remember this,” she said. “I will strengthen this feeling and this memory. This certainty that you know you did nothing wrong. This will help you to heal. When you have doubts, tell yourself, ‘It wasn’t my fault,’ and this memory and feeling will be retrieved. ”
I already felt better. I had been reliving my nightmare because, underneath it all, I couldn’t accept that I wasn’t somehow to blame for my own assault.
Now, it was like an angry blister of doubt and ugly feelings had been pricked and was slowly draining.
I knew I would need to confront this daily for a while and continue to reassure myself that I had done nothing wrong.
Still, I didn’t think I wanted to attend any mating rituals anytime soon.