11. Blair
11
Blair
“ Y ou remember that pinky promise you made earlier, right?” Ronnie asks, wasting no time as our plates are set down in front of us.
I groan. “Now? Really?”
Peggy was in an exceptionally talkative mood tonight, multitasking as she worked on both my nails and Ronnie’s, making me regret even more that I’d been stupid enough to trash my perfectly delicious muffin. I’d been half convinced I’d either die or at least pass out from hunger the longer our appointment went on, and as my Jolly Ranchers ran out, but luckily we made it to the Starlight Diner just in time.
When it comes to diner food, there are likely better places out there. Being out on the road with Max and his band, we’d stopped at many diners that served food late at night after their concerts. However, there would always be something special about the Starlight.
“Well, I guess I could wait until you’ve finished inhaling that grilled cheese,” she laughs, and she’s not wrong; I’m already on my third bite. My hunger could be clouding my judgment, but the taste of this extra gooey grilled cheese and freshly made tomato soup is even better than I remember.
Despite being caked in grease from the grill and cheese drippings, this sandwich is hands down the best grilled cheese I’ve ever had. I’m not usually much of a tomato soup person, but this house-made bowl is fresh and incredibly creamy.
“I don’t even know what you’re expecting to hear.” I shrug before tearing off a piece of my sandwich and dip it into the soup. “Ford and I were talking and Jenny came in. Things got awkward, and I bailed before she could burn a hole in me with that weirdly intense gaze of hers.”
She lets out a small laugh as she dips a fry into her hefty pile of ketchup. “Well, you could go into more detail about why she was glaring. You’d think she’d finally be past all that weird stuff from high school by now. Plus, it’s not like Ford ever told her about that kiss you guys shared on graduation night.”
A soft whine leaves my lips as I set my sandwich back on the plate. “I don’t know. She’s never liked me, and it’s not like I can blame her. I was crushing on Ford. It wasn’t just something made up in her head.”
“Yeah, but that’s ancient history, right? You and Ford haven’t even seen each other since the wedding. What’s there still to hate?”
I want to believe that this is all some innocent line of questioning, but I can’t help it as I involuntarily wrinkle my nose and chew on my lower lip. Ford may have told me he’d never told Jenny about my confession, but what about Ronnie?
It’s always been hard to keep secrets in our friend group, and as I sit, nervously attempting to hide my guilt, it’s clear she suspects something is up as her eyes widen.
“Wait, what am I missing?” she presses.
I cave. “Alright, well maybe there is more to the story of why I cut myself off from talking to Ford. I may have confessed my real feelings for him only moments before he walked down the aisle, and I may have also begged him to pick me and not marry Jenny.”
The fry that had been on its way to Ronnie’s mouth hangs suspended in midair, her lips frozen in surprise. “Wait, what?” she finally manages.
I cover my face and shake my head. “Ugh, I know. I’m the worst.”
“I might have to agree, but only because you didn’t tell me,” she cries, lifting off her seat as she moves to swat my arm from across the table. “I knew there had to be more to why you were always making excuses and refusing to come home. I mean, I knew you were heartbroken after you truly had to give Ford up, but wow,” she utters, her mouth still open in awe.
“He told me he never told her, but still. I might not have ever been Jenny’s biggest fan, and while I feel somewhat validated in the fact that I was right about them not being a good fit, I’ve also always felt so guilty at the same time. I mean, who does that?”
No matter how hard I try, the memory of that moment continues to haunt me, still filling me with shame as my cheeks redden.
“Someone who wasn’t ready to let go, and I get it,” Ronnie comforts me, as this time she reaches out and places her hand on top of mine. “Everyone in this town knew there was something real between the two of you, and if I’m being honest, I truly always thought it would be you two walking down the aisle together that day. So no, it wasn’t your best move, but I also understand the reasoning behind it.”
“Well, I’m glad you do, because I’m still trying to figure out what on earth possessed me to think that was even remotely acceptable.”
“Hey, love makes us all do crazy and irrational things from time to time. While you may be Evergreen Grove’s favorite badass bitch, even you’re not immune.”
“Crazy and irrational make sense, what I did was absolutely insane,” I counter, pulling back my hand as I move to tear off a piece of my sandwich to dip in my soup.
“Maybe a little,” she agrees with a soft laugh. “But not as insane as you running off and following some boy on tour and never moving back home.”
“Hey, at least that one worked out in my favor,” I say before dropping the perfect gooey and cheesy bite into my mouth.
“Did it?” she counters, as I fight both the urge to groan and roll my eyes.
“Maybe not in the romantic sense, but I’ve gotten to travel the world and improve my skills as a photographer, so it’s not a total bust, right?”
Sure, it was hard to be away from my family and friends, but I’ll never regret the experiences that came from my impulsive decisions. Even more, there’s no way I would’ve gained the skills I now possess if I’d stayed. I’d fallen in love with photography when I’d taken some classes in high school, but even that was the bare minimum.
“But aren’t you lonely? I know you and Max have your little thing going on, but aren’t you ready to find your actual forever person? I’m sorry, and I know you guys have your fun, but we both know you’ll never actually end up as Mrs. Fuckboy Rockstar.”
“You make it sound so easy,” I say, using my spoon to spin lazy circles in the red soup, while also doing my best to avoid her gaze. Unfortunately, I know she’s right. Max fulfills some of my needs, but not the ones that count.
“What if it was?”
I finally glance up, raising an eyebrow. “But it’s not. Maybe it was easy for you to find your person, but the rest of us aren’t so lucky.”
“Well, it’s certainly a lot easier when you’re not shutting yourself off from love and doing everything you can to run away and ignore what’s right in front of you.”
“And what is right in front of me, huh?” I challenge.
Ronnie tilts her head downward, incredulously. “Come on, Blair. Don’t make me say what we both already know.”
“Sorry, Ron, but I think I need you to spell it out for me.” Okay, so maybe I know exactly what she’s saying, but like usual, it’s something that’s way too scary to say aloud and I’m definitely not going to be the first one to say it.
“Ford.”
I let out a loud sigh. “I can’t go there again. You know I can’t. Besides, these next couple of weeks are about you and your love life, not mine,” I say, doing everything I can to do exactly what she accused me of—running from this.
“Quit making excuses. We’re both allowed to be happy and think about our love lives this week. Even more, there’s nothing that would make me happier than for the two of you to finally figure your shit out.”
“There’s nothing to figure out,” I lie. “We had our chance ten years ago, and he chose her time and time again. I won’t go there. I can’t.”
Ronnie’s face flickers with concern, or perhaps it’s just pity. Either way, I can’t stand it. Like she said, I’ve always prided myself on being some ‘badass bitch’ who can brush things off, and while so much of that is an act, I despise the idea of people seeing past the mask.
“In his defense, I don’t think you can really count his wedding day against him. That was sort of last minute, and if anything, I think if he could go back in time and change things, he would.”
I interrupt before she can say anything else. “We can’t change the past. What happened, happened. He chose her. End of story.”
“But you can fix your future, and what if you’re supposed to be together? What if he’s your soulmate? You can’t just give up on that,” she says, her voice full of passion, which for her makes sense. She’s always been someone who likes to look for the silver lining, even when she probably shouldn’t. She’s also someone who believes in fairytales and happily-ever-afters, but for someone like me, those don’t exist; I just can’t pretend or hope anymore, it’s too exhausting.
I sigh. “It’s not that easy. I just—I think if we were ever truly supposed to be together, then it would have happened years ago. Maybe this is all a big sign that we were never supposed to be anything.”
“I don’t believe that. Even now, I still see the way he looks at you, and even with that intense poker face of yours, I know you love him too,” she insists, pointing an accusatory french fry in my direction.
“Can we just not talk about this?” I plead. Yes. I still have feelings for Ford, but this isn’t what I came home to do. “I want to focus on you, and that’s all I want to think about from now until your wedding day,” I add, needing her to let this go.
“Fine, we can change the subject, but I want to make sure you know that you’re allowed to change your mind about this. If you need to focus on you and your love life, there truly could be nothing that would make me happier. Besides, isn’t it often said that weddings are the perfect setting for finding love?” she asks with a playful wink and shimmy of her shoulders.
It’s clear that she’s not as willing to move on from this as she made it seem, but I can’t help but smile and let out a small laugh as I shake my head. “I’m pretty sure what they say is that a wedding is a great place to find a hookup. Isn’t there usually a joke about the maid of honor and best man sleeping together?”
“Well, considering Pete’s best man is his married older brother, I unfortunately have to inform you that’s out of the question.”
I wrinkle my nose. “Noted.”
“He does have a few cute friends though, even if none are actually as good-looking as Ford.”
My mouth flattens as I give her a deadpan stare. “Ronnie!”
“Fine, I’ll drop it—for now.”
“You better,” I warn, and for good measure, I reach across the table and steal one of her fries.
I’m uncertain if it was the attack on her fries or what, but luckily the topic shifts, even if Ford remains on my mind. I may be ready to move on from him, but my mind and heart seem to have completely different ideas.