Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
AJ
I tried to convince Jackson that our carryout would need to be reheated either way as I lowered myself to my knees, but Jackson just laughed at me and told me to get up as he ran a washcloth over his body.
“Give me some of that fancy-ass soap.” He handed me the bottle of soap and the washcloth as I rose and rinsed off quickly, going for a seductive look as I reached behind myself to clean between my cheeks. I brushed a kiss to Jackson's water-drenched face.
“That was amazing, Jackson. Really fucking amazing.” I hadn’t meant my tone to say don’t fuck this up , but I really didn’t want Jackson pulling away from me again. I felt like I was walking on a tightrope.
I had lived so many years without being close to anyone. I mean, I had my brother, an actual therapist, to talk to, but our relationship had shifted after Anna’s death. For a long time, I would have considered Jamie my best and perhaps only friend. And then Jax had come along, and I wasn’t alone anymore, but I still didn’t really have that emotional connection, or at least I didn’t understand that I did. I certainly didn’t have it with any of the women I’d been with.
Watching multiple shower jets cascade over my best friend, I realized I didn’t have to be alone anymore. More than that, I understood in a way I never had before that I hadn’t been alone for the last five years, because I’d been with him.
I knew he wasn’t ready to be out and certainly not ready to go public with our relationship, but I needed him to know how I was feeling. He was the first person ever that I needed to know how I felt, like it was this living thing inside of me, the swoop talking to me, insisting that l tell Jackson, insisting that I get him to understand.
We ate dinner in companionable silence, both of us in loose-fitting shorts and nothing else. It was a little weird to be shirtless like that, but I didn’t mind every time Jax glanced at my chest, and I imagined him imagining me with his cum drying throughout my chest hair.
I was done eating before Jackson, like always, and cleaned up while he took his last few bites of egg roll.
I caught him wincing as he stood, and he was stretching his back when I asked about it. A sly smile accompanied his answer. “That was a lot of time to spend on my knees.” He kissed my cheek. “Totally worth it, though.”
I matched his smile as I stuck out my hand for him to pass me his plate. I grabbed it, but he held on to it until I spoke. “You have that fancy-ass bubbly tub in your bathroom. Maybe we could soak our sore muscles.”
He let go of the plate, and his light, barely there eyebrows raised. “And which of your muscles are sore, Mr. Gordon?”
“All the good ones.” I turned to the sink to rinse his dish.
“I’ll go start the bath.”
I rooted through Jackson’s huge pantry, finding what I wanted before joining him back in the bathroom. He was leaning over the tub, swirling the water.
“Emily gave me these silly bath bomb things for Christmas,” he said. “She said I would find the aroma relaxing or whatever.” He held one up as if seeking my permission, looking shy and adorable.
I didn’t respond, just stepped into the room with the candles and lighter I had found in the kitchen, setting two up on each outer corner of the bath and lighting them before shedding my shorts, stepping in, and placing two on the other side.
Jackson watched me, the scented round ball in his hand. “Water temp good?”
“Why don’t you climb in and find out?” I placed my last candle and sat down. Jackson turned away from me, and it took me a second to realize he was going to shut off the light. I spread my legs as he approached, and he stood between them, tossing the bath bomb in the water before sitting as I’d hoped, his back against my chest, between my legs.
I kissed the back of his neck and shoulders. “Between the candles, that ball thing, and your fancy-ass soap, I don’t know which smell I like more.”
He turned into me and sniffed behind my ear. “You. I like the smell of you.”
I kissed his lips, and he turned into me until the water level started dancing with the edge of the tub. He reached over to the far end to shut it off, draining a little before turning on the jets.
He turned and relaxed back into me, grabbing my hands before I could move them to wrap them around him.
“I know you’re not ready to come out yet, Jackson. But I need you to know something.”
He tensed, and I didn’t know where to begin. This was such new territory for me, not because he was a man, or because he needed time, but because I’d never been in a relationship before. I went with the simple truth.
“I want us to be together.”
He tensed up more. “No, you don’t.”
“Yes, I do. Don’t you see, Jackson? It’s like we’ve been together this whole time. We just … we fit together. We’ve been a puzzle missing its last piece. These past five years, we’ve been putting the puzzle together, becoming friends, becoming partners, becoming each other’s ride or die.”
He mumbled, “Bro code,” in confirmation.
“Spending almost every minute together. Wanting to spend every minute together. But we dropped the last puzzle piece, and it, I don’t know, got tucked under the carpet. Now it’s kicked out, and …” I grabbed his hands in mine and lifted them out of the water, mimicking the two of us, hands joined, fitting the last piece of a puzzle into place.
He sighed a heavy sigh, leaning forward to shut off the jets. “We can’t.”
“I’ll wait.”
“No, I can’t. My parents.”
“Your parents will come around.”
“It’s too complicated. You’ve never met them.”
“You’ve never invited me,” I stated matter-of-factly, but it seemed so much more important in light of how I felt about him, the fact that he had kept his life in Brooklyn so separate from his parents and had kept his parents separate from me. Jackson had been up to Hampstead more than once and was close with Jamie and like another uncle to Vera, and yet I’d never met the famous Dorsos.
“It would be too much, AJ. I’m already such a disappointment to them. To come home with …”
“Your parents are around my dad’s age, right? They had you when they were a little older? I mean, I guess that generation can be uncomfortable about the queer thing, but aren’t your parents donating to the Burcus Center? Do you think they’d …”
He interrupted in a whisper, “It’s not about being bi. At least not entirely.” His voice rose as he got more worked up. “I mean, I’ve struggled, thinking about telling them. It’s one thing to sponsor the right charities. To some extent, it’s all about appearances for them. That’s why … That’s why the firefighter thing is such a wedge between us. They spent all this money to get me into the best schools, and instead of following their path, I’m doing manual labor, working for the city.”
It was my turn to tense. “You're a hero who saves lives. And a skilled one at that!”
“I don’t need you to defend me. Don’t you see, it would be worse if you defended me. And…” I guessed that he was struggling to decide if he should go on. “And they’re very protective … worried about … about someone who’d be after my … our …” The last word, “wealth,” was back to a whisper again.
Realization hit me like a bolt of lightning, my whole body reacting with a sensation at least as strong as the swoop of my stomach but so much worse.
“It’s not because you're queer,” I whispered. “And it’s not because I’m a guy. It’s because I’m a firefighter. Because I'm not part of the one percent? Is that the issue, Jax?”
He rose from the tub, and I missed the feel of him. I watched him climb out and turn the lights back on before I stood, extinguished the candles and climbed out myself.
Jackson wrapped himself in a towel and handed one to me. As I dried myself off, I was reminded that Jackson’s towels were the softest and most plush I’d ever used. I wrapped one around myself at the waist and followed him back to the bedroom. We sat on the bed in our towels, facing each other from opposite ends: him against the footboard he’d been lying near a short time earlier, me at the headboard. He looked so lost.
“I never imagined you would want me, AJ. You said we were just fuck buddies.”
“I thought that’s what you wanted.”
“I want … I want so much. But I can’t have it, AJ.” He was on the verge of tears. “I can’t have what you're offering.”
“Because of Dorso Electronics?” I knew my voice sounded incredulous, but I really was trying to understand.
“Yeah,” he scoffed. “My parents' first baby, their first love. That fucking company.”
“What do they expect from you, Jax? They had to assume you’d find someone someday.”
“That’s not how it works with the country club crowd, AJ. What they expect? They expect me to get my head out of my ass. They expect me to come back to DE and take over. They expect me to marry Emily, like it’s part of the merger of the two companies. They want all of this to be about me sowing wild oats. Like a gap year … or five.”
“Is that what you’re doing, Jax? I thought we were a team. Partners. Can’t we … Couldn’t we convince them, together? You know I don’t have any designs on your money. Or … oh.”
I stopped and waited. I wanted him to say more, to tell me he knew I didn’t have designs on his fortune. To confirm that he felt we were a team. But he just sat there, arms crossed, sadder than I’d ever seen him. He was so torn up, and I had to fix it. That’s what this whole last year had been about, after all. Me figuring out what was wrong and helping him make it right. Jackson had obligations beyond my understanding, and I couldn’t get in his way.
“That’s what this is, isn’t it? A blip, a pit stop on your way back into the fold.”
“AJ.”
“No, no. I understand.” I hated it, my heart was breaking, but I understood. Jackson had a life to get back to, and I couldn’t, I wouldn’t get in the way.
“It’s what you’ve said all along.” I shook my head no even as understanding doused the fire that resided in my stomach. “You can’t have this. We can’t have this. I, of all people, understand putting family first. It’s …” It was time to put all my cards on the table. “Your loyalty is one of the things I love about you. If you feel you owe it to them …”
He looked at me but, once again, he didn’t respond as I had hoped when I let my sentence trail off.
I stood and swiped up the pair of shorts I found on the floor. They were the pair he had been wearing, but I dropped the towel and pulled them on anyway. I left Jackson sitting on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands as I dressed in the living room.
When I was back in my own clothes, I swiped my coat, clomping into my boots and shoving it on before I stormed out the door. I turned to look down the empty hallway, then turned back to look at Jackson’s penthouse door.
Come for me, I thought. Fight for me, please . I waited with my hand on the knob until it was clear he wasn’t going to follow me.
I’d left my fucking phone. I could picture it on the kitchen counter; I’d set it down after sending a text to check in with Jamie, like I’d promised Nat I would do. But then I’d forgotten the stupid thing completely once Jackson and I started talking about taking a bath together. And it wasn’t top of mind as I was storming out of Jackson’s apartment, having lost my best friend and the man I wanted to have a relationship with all in one fell swoop. All of the burning excitement I’d been feeling turned to sharp pins and weighed me down as I exited his building and took the subway back to mine.
I felt lost without the fucking thing, but stubborn asshole that I am, I didn’t go back for it the next day. We were supposed to have drinks with Emily, Ruth, and Jamie that night. I wasn’t hopeful that Jackson would even show up. If he did, I’d have my fucking phone back, along with a horrible evening, pretending everything was fine with my best friend. If he didn’t show, which seemed more likely, I was confident he’d bring it to the station the next night.
Lost as I was without it, I showed up unannounced at Jamie’s house. Vera was out of town with her maternal aunt and would be arriving the next day. I pulled my head out of my ass long enough to remember that this evening was, at least in part, about Jamie making some new friends.
I knocked on Jamie’s door, and it took a minute for him to answer. I was about to fish out my key, cursing myself for my phoneless state, when a very flushed-looking Jamie answered the door.
“I thought we’d meet you at O’Doyle’s?” he began before I could even get out a hi.
“It’s nice to see you too.” Jamie was standing in the door, not letting me in. I craned to look over his shoulder.
He followed my gaze, then turned back. “Huh?”
“You gonna let me in?”
“Of course, yeah.”
“Where’ve you been all week? You doing okay without Vera here?”
“She’s having the time of her life with Rose and her grandparents. I miss her, but she’s fine. It’s fine. What are you doing here?”
My brother really was acting strange.
“I left my phone at Jackson’s, so I figured this was the easiest way to coordinate the trip to O’Doyle’s.”
“Great, cool. Devon should be just a second. Then we’re ready to go.” Jamie started patting himself down like he was looking for his own phone. Smart man. “You know, let me run and get a sweater. I’ll be right down.”
“Wait, Devon’s coming with us?...”
I think I heard an, “Uh-huh,” as Jamie bounded up the stairs.
My poor brother; he was lost without his little princess around to dote on. I was glad he’d be spending the morning at the airport the next day to collect her and bring her home.
I took a seat on the bench in the entrance to Jamie’s home, a piece of furniture with baskets under it for shoes and hooks above my head for jackets.
I waited for my brother, and apparently Devon, to join me. For the millionth time that day, I ran my talk with Jackson over in my brain, trying to figure out a way I could be with Jackson, and he could be who he needed to be. It seemed impossible. It was impossible, and I realized that Jax was right and it was likely the reason he’d stayed in the closet for so long.
I tried to think of our encounters as just sex. I had been the king of “just sex” for many years, but when I thought about my time in Jackson’s arms, it felt like so much more. It felt like everything. Those Perennial Synergies my dad had written about, every fucking love song ever composed, and every time some British guy ran in the rain because he just had to tell her right then how he felt.
I’d felt it all, for longer than I’d even understood, but with certainty the day Jackson opened a cabin door on a snowy night. How could he not feel the same? Why wouldn’t he fight for it? For us? Maybe it had just been sex and exploration for him. Maybe he was using his parents as an excuse to let me down easy. It wasn’t like Jackson to play games like that, but then again, Jackson and I were definitely in uncharted territory.
I had to resign myself to reality. Jackson knew me, and he didn’t want me. I thought about those differences that would concern the great Riley and Mandy Dorso. I couldn’t change being a firefighter, and I knew deep down that Jackson wouldn’t want me to. Hell, he was one too. Maybe I wasn’t a one percenter, but it’s right there in the title: not many of us are. And I come from a securely upper-middle-class home, two of them, actually, if you count my mom and her husband in England. Maybe I wasn’t “future head of the Dorso dynasty” material. But what would that matter if Jackson was happy?
I leaned my head back, ensconced between two coats, one of Vera’s smaller ones above my head. I closed my eyes, and damned if one of those floating dream images didn’t flitter across my brain. Jackson and me, tuxedo clad, Vera dancing around us, family looking on. Of course, as I pictured it, Jackson’s parents stood next to mine, only they were scowling.
I heard footsteps coming up from downstairs, and Josh’s friend found me sitting in the small foyer.
“Hey, AJ. Good to see you again. Jamie should be …”
The guy seemed jittery, which is not how I remembered him from Thanksgiving. Though granted, hungover is mostly how I remembered him from Thanksgiving and probably mostly how he remembered me.
“He’s grabbing a sweater,” I said. “Should be …” I didn’t need to finish as my brother bounded down the stairs with an excited energy that was unfamiliar to me.
“Okay.” Jamie was all smiles, looking from me to Devon. “Let’s do this.”
I slunk into O’Doyle’s behind my brother and Devon. The two had walked a few paces ahead of me the whole trek over, shoulder to shoulder, talking about who knows what. I hoped, for Jamie’s sake, it wasn’t international finance.
I was taller than Devon, so I could see our party, including Jackson, at a large round table near the bar. Jamie pointed them out to Devon, and we headed over. Introductions made, Emily and Ruth immediately took Devon under their wings, peppering him with questions about his internship and time in New York and burying him in recommendations of things to do and see and eat while he was in town.
He looked from the women to Jamie. “I’m only here a few more weeks, and work keeps me pretty busy, but I’ll keep it in mind. I plan to come back this summer, and I start my MBA at NYU in the fall.” The women squealed in excitement and continued to monopolize the younger man.
By process of elimination, I’d ended up seated next to Jackson, who quietly slid my phone to me and muttered, “All charged up.”
I gave him a terse, “Thanks.” I could barely look at him, still feeling like I had at the fire station, like hearts would literally burst out of my eyes, but with this layer of stress and heartache over the top of my attraction. My feelings, all the good and all the bad, were right at the surface, ready to simmer over. I hoped Jackson would join in on the tourist lesson for Devon, and I turned to my brother instead, ignoring my best friend.
“Seriously, bro. How has your week been without Vera? Nat’s worried about you.”
Jamie rolled his eyes. “When is Nat not worried about us? It’s a wonder she has time for anything else. I talked to her today. She said a scout might come talk to them about Hunter. I don’t know, man, he’s only seventeen.”
I allowed my brother to change the subject. “He’s really fucking good, Jamie. I think we’re all just going to have to get used to the fact that he’s destined for the majors. He seems ready for it.”
“Vance has been spending time with him. He asked me for a few pointers in helping him. You know, emotionally.”
I tilted my head and let sarcasm pepper my voice. “You ever mention that Vance could use those pointers on himself as well?”
“You and I both know that Vance hardly ever talks about himself. I’m not even sure he’s going to that therapist anymore. But he seems … better?”
“Is that your professional diagnosis?”
“He’s definitely better than when he started college, back when Vee was born. Do you remember how miserable he was?”
“When he wrote his first book? Yeah, you’re right. He’s definitely better now,” I agreed.
I lifted my chin in the direction of the excited trio across the table from us and caught Emily leaning over to talk to a scowling Jackson. “Tell me, though, for real. How’s it going with the roommate? Still weird, talking about Welling?”
“We don’t talk about Welling,” Jamie said slowly, then he smiled into his beer before taking a sip. “At least not much. It’s been nice having someone around. He’s great with Vera, rinses his dishes. It’s been fine.” He’d said fine, but his voice did an odd little uptick thing at the end, and he smiled into his drink again. Something about it caught Devon’s eye, and they smiled at each other. I side-eyed my brother.
Meanwhile, Emily had yanked Jackson from his seat and dragged him to the dance floor. They were barely moving to the music but seemed to be having an intense conversation. I should have been pleased that Jackson had one good friend to talk to, but all I could see was green, whether I looked at them as two friends talking or as two possible lovers, both rich enough for each other, thrown together at the behest of their powerful parents.
I swiped up my phone, muttered, “Bathroom,” and stormed off, slamming the door open to the surprise of the two guys using the urinals. I closed myself in a stall and tried to calm down, waiting for the guys to leave before venturing out and splashing water on my face and neck.
“This fucking sucks,” I informed the distressed AJ in the mirror before heading back out, where I was temporarily distracted from my drama when I noticed that Jamie had his arm casually draped over Devon’s chair. It was only when I was seated back in mine that I could tell for sure that they weren’t touching; still, my brother seemed very comfortable in Devon’s space.
I stared at Jamie as I sat back down, and the fucker had the nerve to shrug at me, his arm still firmly planted atop Devon’s chair. My gaze returned to the dance floor, where Jackson and Emily were still deep in conversation, tangentially moving to the beat. I could sense Jamie following my gaze before he turned back to me.
He leaned my way. “You okay?”
“Are you?” I spit back. We agreed to have drinks later in the week, just the two of us.
Jackson and Emily returned fairly soon after, but Emily collected Ruth, and the two left with hugs and promises to stay in touch with Devon so they could show him around when he had more time.
Devon sat back down.
“They’re sweet. They're your friends from home, right, Jackson?”
“Emily and I went to boarding school together. Ruth is Ems’s cousin.”
Arm still draped over Devon’s chair, Jamie leaned in even closer to the young man. “You ready to go home?”
I might not have noticed that my brother sounded like an old married man, or that he’d called it home , if Devon’s response hadn't been a joking, “Yes, dear.”
I glanced at my scowling best friend. “You coming?”
“Yes, dear,” he muttered. It sounded bitter to me, but Jamie and Devon laughed.
My brother and his temporary roommate walked out like their shoulders were glued together, same as they’d come in, and Jackson worked his way around them when we hit the sidewalk so that he was leading our little pack, with me bringing up the rear. Devon dropped back to talk to me, saying he was sorry we hadn’t chatted more at the restaurant.
“You were certainly a hit with Emily and Ruth.”
“I’m the new shiny thing.” He shrugged. “A project for them. Plus, women love going to gay clubs, and I’m an excuse to do just that!”
“You’ll have to drag Josh down here to go with you. There are a few more weeks before school starts, right? What’s one more college kid at the house, right, James?” I raised my voice to get my brother’s attention, but for some reason, Jamie only glared at me without responding. He dropped back to talk to Devon, putting me right behind Jackson. Thankfully, we then reached the corner, where I could turn off to head to the subway. Jackson lived near enough to Jamie that he would likely keep walking with them for a few more blocks.
“This is me,” I said, mainly for Devon’s benefit. “Good night.”
I shoved my hands in my pockets and dropped my head down, fighting the blustery wind. I got to the next block before I heard footsteps pounding behind me. It made me even more frustrated that I knew him so well that I was sure that the heavy footfall was Jackson’s gait.
“Wait up, Aje.”
I turned to him and tried for a scowl that would rival the one he’d been giving me the whole night.
He reached out an arm but thought the better of it, shoving his hands in his pockets. “How can we leave things the way we did last night? I can’t. I’m so sorry.”
A taxi drove up, and he waved it down. “Please?” is all he said as he opened the door. I thought about it for a second before nodding and entering the cab, sliding all the way in though it looked like Jackson was about to close the door and go around to the other side. Fucking gentleman.
He gave the driver my address, and I stubbornly looked out the window with my arms crossed for the duration of the ride. I was pretty sure Jackson was looking at me the whole time.
He muttered an, “I got this,” when we got to my house and had to lean into my space to swipe his credit card and pay. I wanted to curl into myself even more while at the same time, every fiber of my being wanted to reach out and envelop him.
That’s what it had felt like the other night, I realized. Like we had found each other on a molecular level, each sub particle finding its mate and holding tiny little, microscopic hands. I just wanted to hold his hand.
I followed him out of the cab and opened the door to my apartment, entering before him and storming to the bathroom. Four beers, no food, and a foul mood were not the best combination. Jackson silently traded places with me, entering as I exited. Not closing the door all the way, like this was any normal evening we were hanging out.
Nervous energy had me standing, hanging our jackets by the door on the hooks that Nat had been so excited to buy for me, probably over fifteen years ago, straightening the blanket on my couch, and finally staring into my refrigerator.
I heard him exit and could feel him watching me in the open space. “You want a beer?” I said from inside the fridge.
“Aje, come sit down. Please.”
I grunted and shut the door a little harder than necessary, condiment jars rattling on their shelves. I’d taken a beer out but left it on the kitchen counter before bypassing Jackson and sitting on the couch. Jackson opted to sit on the coffee table, facing me. I tried to read his face as he lowered himself. All I could see was stress. He pushed the table back slightly so that our legs weren’t touching.
I dove right in. “I’m sorry if I misread the situation, Jax. All of a sudden, my feelings are so big and so confusing.” His eyes went wide. “Maybe not all of a sudden,” I concluded, thinking about the whole past year. He dropped his head, opting to watch his wringing hands instead of looking at me.
“When I realized I was bi,” he explained to his hands, “it hit me like a thermal explosion. All this heat, focused and overpowering, concentrated in one place. I couldn’t tell you, because I knew, I just fucking knew I’d mess things up between us, and I couldn’t bear the thought of not having you in my life. I’ve been terrified of losing you because …” He took a deep breath and finally let those verdant eyes of his focus on me. “Because I didn’t just realize I was bi. I realized I was in love with you.”
I tried to reach for him, but he jumped up and stood near the bookcase along the wall as if he was staring at the few pictures I had hanging there for the first time. One of them, of the two of us, soot stained and sweaty in our uniforms, had run in a local paper his first year at the station.
He ran a finger over it. “Emily dragged me out on the dance floor tonight to ask me how things were going and then gave me a ton of shit about how I handled things the other night. Told me to get my head out of my ass. It was … nice?”—he said the word like it was a question—“to talk to her. It’s great that she understands about the whole country club stupidity. She’s got it worse, even, because she comes from old money. Older, anyway. It’s unbelievable to me that that kind of caste system exists, but it absolutely does. Emily reminded me that my parents …” He turned to look at me. “They’re not monsters, Aje. They’re good people. But they’ve seen some shady shit. And I have definitely had people, women, go after me for the wrong reasons. I think it’s one of the reasons I stuck to hooking up.
“Well”—he turned and smiled at me—“that and the fact that I was subconsciously in love with my best friend. Of course, I owe my parents respect, but I’m my own person—finally, after all these years, I’m my own person in every way.”
“Jackson.” My heart pounded at hearing those words, and my stomach knotted as I watched Jackson’s vulnerability in saying them. It was everything I had wanted when I’d made my confession in the bathtub.
“Let me finish.” He sat on the table again and held my hands. “It was so overwhelming, what you said the other night. Part of me, a really big part of me, still can’t believe it.” He let go of one hand to wave his between us. “Any of this,” he whispered.
“I mean, you were straight. Like president of the Straight Dudes of America straight.”
“We could have founded that association together, bro.” I squeezed his hands.
He ignored my comment and continued. “How could you possibly be offering me everything I wanted after such a short time. How can you possibly know?” I let the question hang, wanting to make sure he’d said his piece. We were silent for a minute, both of us watching our interlocked hands.
“My turn?” He nodded and smiled, his eyes sparkling like amber and green diamonds. “I know,” I began, “because it hasn’t been a short time; it's been years. Years where we’ve spent all our time together, either in person or on the phone or texting. I don’t remember a day over the past five years that you weren’t a part of. Even when you tried to pull away from me, we still saw each other practically every day. What could be more logical than falling in love with your best friend? It’s the natural progression.
“And maybe I didn’t know or realize about my attraction to you,” I continued as I leaned toward him and held his hands more tightly. “But I fucking know it now, cari?o , and I can assure you, you’re all I want. I’m on fire every time I’m near you.” It was my turn to remove one of my hands. I tightened a fist and tapped my stomach. “I burn for you, in here.”
I caressed his cheek. “I want to take you apart and put you back together, and I want you to do the same to me. All. The. Time. But mostly, I just want you in my life. Happy, and satisfied, and part of my life. Can't we figure this out, Jax?”
“I want that too,” he confessed. I leaned in and kissed him then, and it was soft and hesitant on both of our parts. We’d made a promise, but we hadn’t really solved anything.
I pulled back. “You’re still not ready, are you?”
He smiled softly and thought about it. “My parents are traveling. They’ll be back for Easter. Can we … Do you think we can take these next few months to ease into it? We’re gonna get such shit at the station, and your family can be overwhelming.”
“That’s all certainly true. I told you we’d go at your speed, and as long as we keep talking, and we’re on the same page, that’s what I intend to do.”
Shortly after that evening, I had drinks with Jamie. I stayed true to my word to Jackson and didn’t come out to my brother even though, in a shocking coincidence, he came out to me. It turned out he was having some kind of fling with our little brother’s best friend. Dealing with that major news made it easier for me to keep my news quiet. Jamie was always at the ready to help someone else, but my brother really needed me, the only person he’d told, to be there for him. My shit could wait.
Work was torture, trying to act like we always had. It was like I couldn’t even remember those two guys. I wanted to be touching him all the time. I could barely be in the locker room with him. Thankfully, it didn’t affect our actual work, where we were still as in sync as ever on calls.
We both participated in the Family Fun Day fundraiser, and I was thrilled that Jamie, Ruth, and Emily were part of the committee as well. Between that and Thursday afternoon dance lessons with Vera, it meant that Jackson and I had some time out in the world with other people.
But other than that, we spent most of our time holed up at Jackson’s condo. Without any conversation between us, I basically moved into Jackson’s apartment, where we spent as much time as we had available learning everything there was about each other’s bodies. I marveled at the thought of being with someone long enough to know what they liked. I’d learned how to take it slow and easy and drive him crazy, and I learned how to go fast and dirty. We practiced blow jobs like there was going to be an exam and went through lube like we were filling the bathtub with it.
A few days before Family Fun Day, we were at the station, lounging on the couch, staring blankly at the TV. A commercial came on that had been on the night before, when I was on my knees in front of Jackson. We looked at each other, neither of us able to hide the fire as we remembered. I turned back to the TV, but from the corner of my eye, I could see Jackson flexing his hips, a move I knew meant he was trying to adjust himself. For about the millionth time over the prior months, I conducted a head count of our team, wondering where everyone was and if the locker room or one of the individual guest bathrooms might be free for us to sneak into.
I was about to get up and head to the bathroom, just to, you know, maybe scope it out, when Darren came in with a bunch of reusable bags hanging off his arms. “I ran over to the convenience store, and look what I found!” He sounded excited as he dumped the contents of his bags on the table in front of us. An explosion of pastel colors and sickeningly sweet scents followed the move.
“More Easter eggs for us to fill! Oh, and wait!” He left and came back. “My meema still keeps a jar of pennies, and she donated them.” He put another bag down with a heavy thunk .
“Jesus, Darren. We’ve been stuffing eggs all week.”
“And I found more! Get to work, boys!”
“And where are you going?” I asked. “And … he’s gone.”