Chapter 29 #2
Shaylyn scooted closer, wrapping her arms around me while I sobbed uncontrollably.
She allowed me to cry in her arms, even though the moment should have been about her.
I finally gathered my emotions and lifted from her embrace, but she held onto my hand, then patted the seat on the other side of her for Shane to sit.
Reluctantly, he took a seat next to her, but his leg shook incessantly.
“I called the two of you over here because I wanted to clear the air. I’ve been trying to fight by myself for so many years, and I’m tired, y’all.
I needed to be surrounded by the people I know love me and have a normal night where I don’t spend it obsessing about how fucked up my life has been.
Shane, please don’t go out and do something stupid. It won’t change anything,” she pleaded.
Shane and Shay had a stare-off for a moment until Shane’s shoulders dropped in defeat.
His jaw flexed as tears streamed down his face.
Shane was aggressive but rarely showed his emotions.
I never doubted his love for his sister, but in that moment, it was evident in his demeanor.
His heart was shattered at the idea that he couldn’t fix what was wrong with her. A brother’s love was truly unmatched.
“I’m so sorry, Shay. I’m fucked up right now, and I don’t know what to do. It’s bad enough Mommy didn’t protect us as kids, but I never imagined shit would turn out this way.”
Shay squeezed his hand for reassurance, wiping her own tears away.
“I’ve spent so much time trying to figure out why our lives were so hard, but I still don’t have any answers.
I used to tell myself that one day, I would look back on all of my trauma and finally understand, but I don’t.
Honestly, I was shocked I hadn’t contracted it sooner. ” Shay paused, taking a deep breath.
“By the time I turned fifteen, I had been treated for Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, and multiple infections from the abortions I was forced to have. Momma thought leaving condoms around would make her nasty-ass boyfriends strap up when they fucked me, but they never did. Some nights, they would fuck me and then go upstairs and fuck her after, then she would catch an attitude when we both ended up burning.” She scoffed.
“You would think a mother’s instinct would be to protect her child.
Not Trina. She saw me as her competition—the other woman who kept taking her men away.
I think that’s why I was so numb when Nate came around.
I was tired of being the victim while she turned a blind eye.
I figured I might as well get whatever I could out of the deal since he was gonna get what he wanted anyway. ”
My breathing faltered at the mention of Nathan.
I tried my best to put him in the back of my mind, but lately, the nightmares had returned with a vengeance.
East had been on the road with my brother, which left me to sleep in the room alone whenever Noodle was gone.
He kept asking if I was okay, but I lied because I didn’t want him to worry.
There was no doubt in my mind that he would understand and be there in any way he could.
I was just tired of him always having to come to my rescue.
“I still owe that fuck nigga another ass whupping. Can’t believe he pressed charges on me as if he wasn’t the one who violated my family.
” Shane huffed. I heard about him beating Nathan’s ass some years back after our little blow-up.
The family was gossiping about how Trina refused to bail him out, and instead, she took Nathan’s side.
Her ass didn’t deserve to carry the title of mother.
She and my momma were the worst of the worst.
“I’m sorry, Lyric. I didn’t even think about how you would feel about me bringing him up,” Shaylyn apologized.
“It’s all good. I try my best not to think about that sorry-ass man. I thank God daily that my daughter doesn’t look anything like him. I would have loved her regardless, but I’m still thankful.”
On the outside, Nathan was a handsome, middle-aged man. It was his soul that was ugly, distorted, and corrupt. All of his children were attractive, so I never worried about Symphonee’s looks, but there was a part of me that wondered what it would feel like to see his face in her.
“I see how you are with Symphonee, and it makes me wonder what kind of mother I would have been. Honestly, my biggest fear was becoming bitter and resentful like my momma. I don’t have a maternal bone in my body thanks to her, and I never wanted a child to suffer because of my past.”
“Motherhood changes you. I used to wonder if I had the capability to love the way a mother should, but the moment I laid eyes on Noodle, I knew there was nothing I wouldn’t do for her.
Even through my depression, I pushed through because she deserved better.
We’re still young, and medicine is far more advanced than it was back in the day.
You can still live a normal and happy life with HIV, and that includes having a family.
Don’t count yourself out, Cousin. This isn’t a death sentence,” I assured her.
Although I had no experience in this area, I needed her to know that she wasn’t alone and that her life wasn’t over.
“Thank you, Cousin. Y’all just don’t understand how tired I am. I’ve been fighting my whole life, and I’m so tired.” Tears filled her eyes, and it triggered tears of my own. I remembered feeling hopeless when I lived with Aunt Trina. The night Essex rescued me, it felt like I could finally breathe.
My arms wrapped around her body as I rested my head on her shoulder.
Shaylyn was there for me when I didn’t have anyone, and even though we hadn’t been as close over the years, it didn’t mean the love had changed.
Shane ended up joining us as we continued to talk and reminisce about our childhood and current happenings in our lives.
“What’s wrong, baby?” Shane answered his phone while we were talking. “Oh, shit! Right now? Naw, I’m at my sister’s place. Do you think you can wait for me to get there, or should I call the ambulance?” He jumped up and searched his pockets until he found his keys.
“Okay, I’m on my way. I’ll call your momma and nem to meet us at the hospital.
” He pulled the phone back to address us.
“My girl just went into labor. I’ll call y’all as soon as baby girl makes her arrival.
I love y’all.” Shane kissed both of us on the forehead, then returned to his call while walking out the door.
“I can’t believe it. My brother is about to be somebody’s daddy,” Shaylyn remarked.
“I’m honestly shocked it took him so long. Shane’s ass has been a hoe since we were young. I thought he would have had at least four by now,” I joked.
“You ain’t lying. I thought for sure he was gonna have a set of ghetto twins with the way he had those girls popping up at the house looking for him.
” Shaylyn giggled, but when I looked at her, I noticed her smile barely reached her eyes.
Sadness radiated from her, and it made me feel terrible.
When I left Trina’s house, I never looked back.
If I was honest with myself, I purposely avoided my family because I wanted to cut all ties with that side of my past.
Once I decided to keep my baby, I knew it would come with a lot of judgment and backlash that I didn’t want to deal with. My solution was to create distance between myself and everything that reminded me of my pain, Shaylyn included.
“I feel so guilty, Cousin. I haven’t been here for you the way we always promised.”
“You don’t need to feel guilty. If anyone understands what you’ve been through, I do.
At the end of the day, you did what was best for you, and look at you now.
You’re the it girl you were always destined to be.
You have a man who loves you and a beautiful daughter.
Regardless of everything you went through, you kept pushing and made something of yourself.
There is no reason for you to apologize. I’m proud of you, Lyric. I really am.”
My lip quivered as I tried to gather my emotions. I felt this heaviness lingering in the air, and it made me uneasy.
“Essex told me I needed to go to therapy. When he first brought it up, I instantly got offended because I thought he was trying to tell me I was broken or fucked up. Then I realized that I was fucked up. The shit we went through wasn’t something that should have been swept under the rug, but that was exactly what I did.
I’ve spent all of these years trying to pretend I lived a normal childhood, but the truth is, I’m messed up.
“He tries so hard to love me, but the shit scares me sometimes. Outside of Keynauri, I don’t know what it feels like for a man to love me without any ulterior motives.
Essex has done nothing but give me and my daughter the world, and I was so afraid of getting my heart broken, I pushed him away the moment things got rocky.
In the back of my mind, I felt as if he was too good for me, and I was waiting for the day he realized it and walked away.
” I hadn’t admitted that out loud, but for some reason, I couldn’t hold it in.
If anyone understood, it was Shaylyn. Therapy had helped me uncover some things I hadn’t even realized were holding me back.
“My momma spent my whole life telling me I was worthless, and I would never be more than a cum rag for a man to finish on. I guess I must have manifested that shit because I became exactly what she said I would. You’re different though.
You always have been, Lyric. I know what it’s like to become crippled by trauma, and it’s exhausting.
It’s rare to find a man who is willing to heal a heart he didn’t break, but East is a solid dude.