Chapter 35
EMMA
“Idon’t like lying to him. Can I at least tell him you’re safe?” Alyx asks, sitting next to me on the couch.
“I don’t want him to know I’m here.”
“I’m still pissed about the married part and the lying too, but he’s really torn up about it. Look.” He tilts the phone screen so I can read their last few messages.
My eyes get stuck on three words.
I love her.
Three words he’s yet to speak out loud to me.
Three words he’s hinted at and yet danced around.
Three words he’s probably telling his wife right now.
And suddenly his rules make sense. His cryptic words whispered in moments of passion that felt like they held a deeper meaning, come crashing into me.
It isn’t that he’s a professor, and I’m a student.
“Don’t make me fall more in love with you than I already am. Not when I can’t be with you the way you deserve.”
It isn’t the school rules keeping us apart, or the rules at Pulse. It isn’t even his list of dom rules that’s the issue. We can’t be together because he already has a life with someone else, already promised her forever and made vows to love her.
“Hey, it’s gonna be okay.” Alyx throws an arm over my shoulder, tugging me into his side.
It’s an awkward hug with the way we’re sitting on the couch, yet I still find comfort in his touch.
I’m not able to contain my emotions any longer and tears spill over my lashes, making what I’m sure are black streaks down my face.
“I don’t see how,” I cry as his hand squeezes my shoulder.
“For what it’s worth, I’ve never seen him with anyone at the club. And he definitely doesn’t treat his other subs the way he treats you. Also, he’s never asked me to reach out to anyone before.”
“Is that supposed to make me feel better? He was doing all that while still cheating on his wife. She probably doesn’t even know about his whole secret life as a dom. It’s probably all a lie.” I’m aware that I’m coming across like a whiny child, but I couldn’t care less.
“Something tells me that’s not true. I think there’s more to this than you realize.”
“Do you know something?” I ask suspiciously.
“Nothing I can confirm, but I can tell from his texts that you mean something to him.”
“If I meant something to him, he should have told me the truth. Instead, he spent a whole year lying to me, pretending he was only my teacher while talking to me as Daddy Dom, and a whole ’nother year not telling me he was married.”
“I’d bet anything there’s a reason he didn’t tell you.”
My eyes narrow on him. “You’re so good at keeping everyone’s secrets, but you seriously need to tell me what’s going on.”
“Even if I knew something, it wouldn’t be my story to tell.
I’ve met a lot of people in my time as a sex worker, and you know the main takeaway I’ve learned?
” He pauses, waiting for me to answer. I cross my arms over my chest and tilt my head, signaling for him to continue.
“More than anything, people are desperate for a connection. They want to feel like they matter to someone else. Most of the people I interact with at the club aren’t there because they want to fuck. ”
I shoot him a disbelieving look.
He holds his hands up in surrender, letting out a hearty laugh.
“Okay, okay, they want to fuck, but that’s just on the surface.
Deep down, most people are searching for something more, craving a connection at a deeper level.
They want to be seen, want to know they matter.
If it was just sex, they could take care of that with a hand or toy.
People come to me because they want more than the orgasm they can provide themselves. ”
“Why are you telling me this?” I say, fully aware of how exasperated I sound.
“That man doesn’t say or do anything he doesn’t want to.
And if he spent two years patiently pursuing you, it tells me that he’s desperate for that connection too.
Maybe he’s not getting it at home. I’m not condoning cheating or lying, and I’m not justifying his actions, but I think you should keep an open mind. ”
Letting out a deep breath, I think over his words. Maybe he’s right. “Even if I did give him a chance to explain, I can still walk away from him if I don’t like what I hear.”
“But are you really going to walk away from the only man who’s ever solved your touching problem?”
“Ugh.” I drop my head into my hands, then pop my head up suddenly as something hits me.
“What if my nightmares start up again? Between Daddy Dom’s sessions and Professor A-hole pushing me to unlock the memory that caused my nightmares, they had pretty much stopped.
But they came back when he broke up with me. ”
“Do you wanna sleep in my bed?” Alyx offers.
“I don’t need your woody poking me all night.”
“Oh my God, no one calls it a woody anymore.” His groan turns into a laugh. “Besides, I’m not popping boners every night and I’m definitely not popping one for you, sis. Respectfully.”
“I know you’re not, but it’s biology, and I’d prefer to remain ignorant to all things involving your crotchal region.”
He barks out a laugh. “I’ll build a pillow barrier.”
“Ethan’s old room is fine.”
“Then I’m sleeping on the couch so I’ll be close by if you have a nightmare.”
“Your room is like ten feet from my door.”
“I promised your brother that I’d look out for you. Please? It would ease my mind.”
“Fine,” I relent with a sigh.
We sit in silence for several minutes as I think over Alyx’s insight.
While I appreciate his optimism, I’m having a hard time believing it.
And what’s so disappointing is that so many other men in my life have let me down.
John was the first person who broke through my sexual barrier, and it’s unfathomable that he could already be committed to someone else.
“Okay, you need to get out of this funk. Need a laugh?”
“Yes.” I lean back against him on the couch.
“I may have given John’s brother a BJ.”
“Cheese and rice! You’re joking!” I say through a fit of laughter as I push up to see if he’s serious.
“To be fair, I didn’t know it was John’s brother at the time.”
“Wait… You and Robert? Does Becka know?”
“Not my—”
“Story to tell, yeah, yeah.” I roll my eyes.
“Exactly. But I can confirm she was present for it. I won’t say any more out of respect for their privacy.”
“I’ll have to ask her about it after the next book club meeting.”
“Actually, lemme just text her now so she knows you know.” He pulls out his phone as his fingers rapid-fire across the screen.
“So you’re like secret friends with everyone, aren’t you?”
He mimes locking his lips with a key when there’s a knock at the door.
“Please tell me that’s not—”
He shakes his head, cutting me off as he gets off the couch and walks to the door. “It’s not him, it’s just”—he opens the door—“your annoying little sister.”
“Fuck you, Alyx. There is nothing little about me.” Ella rushes over to me, her big personality filling the space as she plops down into my lap, wrapping her arms around me.
“Lovely, as always.” Alyx rolls his eyes. “And I was referring to your age.”
“Then you should have said younger, not little. And I’m almost nineteen now, so you can stop treating me like a baby.”
“Stop acting like one, and maybe I’ll stop treating you like one,” Alyx volleys back at her.
“What are you doing here?”
“I texted her. I figured I’d let you two catch up. I knew you’d need your support system right now.”
“Thanks,” I say, offering him a smile.
“I’m gonna get outta your hair, let you two talk,” he says, heading to his room.
“Use a condom!” Ella calls out after him.
Without turning around, Alyx pauses in the doorway, holding up a middle finger.
“You’re gonna need more fingers than that if you ever want to make anyone come,” Ella barks back.
Alyx grips the doorframe, his biceps popping as a small smirk lights up his face. I swat at Ella’s thigh as Alyx disappears, closing the door behind him.
“Still not able to finish what you started, I see,” Ella yells at his closed door.
There’s a thud against the door in response and then silence before I turn to her as she scoots off my lap sitting next to me. “He’s a really good friend. I know you two get on each other’s nerves, but besides you, he’s the only person that’s been there for me.”
“And I love that for you, but any day that I don’t have to see his face is a good one as far as I’m concerned.
” Ella’s arms are crossed as she continues to glare at his closed door.
I’m not sure if she’s waiting for him to reenter the room or if she’s placing a silent curse on him.
I clear my throat, drawing her focus back to me.
“Sorry, I just don’t know if I’ll ever get over how he treated me when we were kids, and every time I see him, I want to throat-punch him.
But he did text me to come saying you and John were having issues.
How can I help? Are we making voodoo dolls tonight?
” She crosses her legs, facing me on the couch as she rubs her hands together.
“I know who I’d like to make one for.” Her eyes snap to Alyx’s room.
“Seriously, what happened when you were kids that you’re not telling me?
I remember you following him and Ethan around all the time and then suddenly you stopped.
” I point over my shoulder in Alyx’s direction, lowering my voice.
“And he’s never said an unkind word about you, so I’m kinda confused why you hate him so much. ”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” she yells, and seconds later Alyx’s head pops out of his door.
“You just tell her the part where he’s married?” Alyx asks, looking at me.
“What the actual fuck is happening right now?” Ella shouts.
I shake my head. “I have not told her that yet.” I shoot him a withering look, and he holds his hands up in defeat.
“Sorry.”
“Okay, one of you better start talking,” Ella says, her delicate features scrunching into a scowl.