Chapter 34
JOHN
Fuck. Fuck! I’ve been so careful, or at least I thought I had.
This is why I have rules. If I’d just stuck to them, it would’ve protected me from situations like this.
What the fuck do I do? I can’t lose her.
But I’ve already committed to helping Maryam with her citizenship, and we’re so close.
I can’t fuck this up for her now. Not when it could literally be life or death for her if she’s deported back to her home country.
I’ve managed to keep this part of my marriage secret from everyone in my life. My colleagues, my family, the club. As far as anyone knows, I’m just a married professor. How did I screw this up so badly?
The waitstaff could have brought out a live fish on my plate that sprouted legs and did a jig, and I wouldn’t have noticed.
I keep checking my phone to see if Emma has replied to any of my messages.
It gutted me seeing her face when we walked in.
I had no idea she was my brother’s babysitter.
And this is definitely not how I wanted her to find out about Maryam.
Near the end of dinner, Maryam pulls me aside. “John, can I talk to you outside really quick?”
My head shoots up, looking around the table, and my brother Robert grimaces and nods to my phone. Fuck, I need to focus.
We walk outside, the humid May air causing me to tug at the collar of my shirt when Maryam unexpectedly pulls me into a hug. I’m not expecting it, and I stumble over my feet.
“You’ve been distracted all night. I’m worried about you.” She pulls back from the hug and examines my face.
“I’m fine.”
“Does this have anything to do with all the tension I felt between you and the babysitter at your brother’s house?”
The look on her face is understanding when I don’t answer, just nod.
“Is that the girl you told me about?”
“It is.”
“I see. And until tonight, it was going well?”
“It was. I love her,” I admit, rubbing the back of my neck.
“John, you’ve done so much for me, now it’s my turn to repay you. I want a divorce. Go be with her,” Maryam says, placing a hand on my arm.
“No, I made you a promise,” I stutter.
“But you love her. And I can still apply for a green card even if we divorce.” She squeezes my arm.
“I know you can, but we’re so close. And it’s risky. What if they deny your green card? Or worse, deport you?”
“Since Samira fled to Canada, she’s been a citizen for a couple of years now. Her path to citizenship there was faster than mine has been here.”
“I thought she was a US citizen.” I’m an ass. As much as I know about this woman and her girlfriend, I should know this, but my mind has been preoccupied for a while now. “Sorry, I’m a shit friend.”
“You’re not.” She smiles instantly putting me at ease. “She has a work visa, but her company has offices in both countries. She’d probably be able to get me a job so I could move to Canada, or she’d move back and sponsor me there till I could apply for citizenship.”
“So you’ve thought about all that. Made a plan.” I scratch the stubble on my chin.
“I’ve seen the way you’ve lived your life since we met. You always put others before yourself and it’s admirable, but right now it’s stupid. You’re miserable, and you don’t have to be. I will never forget everything you did to get me here, but you don’t have to be the martyr anymore.”
“I still want to do this for you, Mary. It’s important to me.”
“I know it is. But you’ve served your time.” She smiles, her dark brown eyes full of gratitude.
“You say that like you assume I think this is a chore.” I wave a hand between us. “You’re a person, a person who deserves to love whomever you want to and not be put to death because of it. You’re not a chore. Nothing I did for you the past six years was a chore.”
“Wasn’t it? Look, I know it wasn’t when this first started.
And I understand your need to help others, to make a difference in the world around you.
But what started as a sincere gesture has become an obligation for you over the past couple of years, and I have a feeling it has everything to do with your feelings for Emma. ”
She’s not wrong. “I’m not going to divorce you when you’re a few months from getting your green card.”
“If there’s a chance Emma isn’t okay with this, then yes, you are. I’m not going to let you sacrifice anything more for me, certainly not love.”
My mouth opens in rebuttal, but she narrows her eyes and I close it, thinking over her words.
“I was married to Ahmed for years when I fell in love with my best friend. When we couldn’t be together, you gave us a chance.
You brought me here and gave me space to be with her, all the while sacrificing yourself to keep up the ruse.
If there’s anything I can do for you, it’s to end this marriage so you can be with Emma. I can talk to her, explain things.”
Blowing out a breath, I put my hands on my hips and look up at the sky. Can it be that easy?
We head back inside the restaurant and finish our meal.
Emma hasn’t read any of my messages, and I decide the best thing I can do right now is to give her some space to process everything.
Once she reads my texts, she’ll understand, and we can talk.
I just hope that she reads them and feels the sincerity in my words.
“Are you staying at the house tonight?” Maryam asks as we leave the restaurant and climb into the car.
Normally I’d stay in the city and meet up with Emma at the club since I couldn’t take her back to my house with Maryam there. And I couldn’t bring her to my room on campus since my professor roommate would not approve of me bringing a student back to his place.
“I’m going to take your silence as a no.”
“I’m sorry. I should—” I cut myself off, suddenly unsure of what I should do.
“You want to be close to her in case she wants to talk.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Stop saying that. I totally understand.”
“I don’t deserve you,” I say, hoping she sees my genuine gratitude.
“It’s funny, I feel the same way about you. Why do you sell yourself short? How come you can’t see the wonderful man that I do? You’ve given up the last six years of your life for me. You’re a good friend, rafiq.”
“I’m not a good man.”
“And I’m telling you that you are. A little stubborn clearly, but a good man, nonetheless.
I know you carry the weight of your grief over your brother’s death on your shoulders, but I need you to hear this.
You’ve helped me more than you know. You’ve paid your penance, not that you needed to, but clearly the guilt you’ve been holding onto about your brother is telling you otherwise.
So stop beating yourself up and go after her.
You deserve to be happy more than anyone I know. ”
——————
Once I make it back to campus and collapse onto my bed, I pull out my phone. Emma still hasn’t read my texts so I decide to reach out to the only person I can think of who might know where she is.
Have you heard from Emma?
She’s not at her place.
Alyx
She was babysitting for Becka tonight.
About that…
What the fuck did you do?
If you broke her heart, I will fucking end you, bro. Even if you do have a few inches and lbs of muscle on me.
Respectfully
Are you done?
Start talking.
I had plans with my brother tonight.
How does this involve Emma?
Becka is my sister-in-law.
Robert’s your brother?
Yeah, why?
…No reason.
Did you hook up with my brother?
…
Never mind, I don’t want to know.
So, did you find Emma at your brother’s or not?
Oh, I did. And so did my wife.
THE FUCK?!?
brO!
YOU’RE MARRIED!?!?
I can’t really get into it through text, but I need to talk to her.
Please, it’s important.
If you hurt her, I’m not the only one that you’ll have to answer to. You know that, right?
I’m not trying to hurt her. I love her.
Oh shit, I thought you were just spanking her.
Jesus
Do you know where she is? Is she safe?