Chapter 39 #2
I nod. “Because of that stupid shirt that I used to tease him about relentlessly. And because of his shoes. He had this pair of Vans that he’d drawn rainbows on.
I couldn’t stand those shoes. It used to bug the crap out of me.
Not because he drew rainbows on them, but because they didn’t match.
His left shoe had a thin rainbow while the right had a thicker one that disappeared into a cloud.
It made my eye twitch. I remember wanting to grab some sharpies and make both rainbows even.
He used to give me shit about that.” I smile briefly at the memory.
“But I knew it was him because of those stupid fucking shoes and that shirt. I shouldn’t have ignored him even if he did bug the shit out of me.
I should’ve stood up for him even if it put the spotlight on me.
And now I’d give anything to get my annoying baby brother back. ”
She leans over and pulls me into a hug. It’s stiff and awkward with the way we’re sitting. I’m turned at an odd angle, but I lean into her as much as I can, finally relieved to have someone else to share this burden with as I cry on her shoulder.
“I can’t imagine what that must’ve been like for you.
And I’ll say this, because you need to hear it and I’m not sure anyone has ever said this to you, but none of that was your fault.
You’re not to blame. Not for his death. Not for the way he came out, or the fact that he did, and certainly not for your parents’ reaction to it. ”
My eyes blur with tears at her words and I blow out a breath as I wipe my face.
“It explains a lot, though, if I’m honest.”
I blink at her in confusion. “What does?”
“Your need to help others. To save people. You have a soft spot for LGBTQIA+ causes. The friendship you’ve struck up with Alyx at the club. It makes sense why you would offer to help Maryam.”
“Holy fuck,” I say as I process her assessment.
“You said you were a white knight dom. You like protecting others and solving their problems,” she says like she’s piecing together the puzzle of who I am.
“You’re totally right. I couldn’t ignore the woman in front of me that needed actual help and just go back to serving soup in foreign countries.
Here was an opportunity to do actual good, so I took it.
We established a long-distance relationship through letters, emails, and texts.
I even made a couple of trips over there so we had more evidence.
There was enough proof that she could refute her ex’s claims that she was gay, and enough to establish credibility so we could apply for a K1 visa.
It took two years to get it, and we got married a few days after she made it to the States.
Then she had to apply for a green card.”
“You didn’t push me away because you didn’t want me.”
“Fuck no. I’ve never wanted anything more in my life than how badly I want you.”
“And I was your student.”
“That too, but I never interacted with you as your professor.”
“Okay, Daddy Dom,” she says, rolling her eyes.
“I’m going to let that go, brat, given the situation,” I say, crossing my arms. “There was a reason we couldn’t be together until now.
I had to make sure that my marriage looked legitimate so Mary could get her green card.
She could still get it if we divorced at a certain point, but I didn’t want to chance it. ”
“What did that require?”
“It had to look like we lived together. We have a mortgage in our names, have joint banking accounts and tax returns, and I even changed my last name to hers.”
“That explains why I didn’t figure out your relation to Robert sooner.”
“Yeah, we only recently reconnected, and I couldn’t put off him meeting Mary any longer without either hurting his feelings or him getting suspicious.”
“What happened to Samira? Did she make it to the states?”
“She did. She and her son were able to escape to Canada as refugees and are now citizens, but she’s here on a work visa.”
“Do you all live together?”
“I rent a space near campus during the school year. Since Sam travels a lot for work, Mary gets scared of being in the house by herself, and I end up staying there when that happens. She lived in a war zone for most of her life, and it’s the least I can do to provide her some comfort.”
“What about the letters?” she asks.
“What about them?”
“Jeremy said he stole some letters from you. Those were the ones that kept showing up on my door. I was having a hard time following what he was saying because I was groggy from whatever he drugged me with. One of them was addressed to M and signed J. At first, I thought you sent it to me because you’ve called me Em before.
And the letter talked about you not wanting to be separated from me, and it showed up right after you broke things off. ”
“Jesus, if he got my letters to Maryam, that means he was in my fucking house in Columbus. No wonder she’s been scared to be alone in there.
I wrote those to Maryam while she was still in Yemen.
We wrote to each other regularly, and we saved all that mail as proof of our relationship so we could apply for the K1. ”
“So you didn’t mean anything in those letters to her?”
“No. We just needed it to look like we were in love. After a few months of penning my own, I just started using letters and love declaration passages from literature. You’re lucky I didn’t use any James Joyce for those letters, or you would have been really embarrassed.”
“Oh my God, my sister and I found a letter he wrote his wife in a book at the library once. He went on for ages about doing it in the butt while his wife farted. Ella and I almost got kicked out of the library from laughing so hard.”
“Yeah, I didn’t think the government needed a letter like that as proof of a relationship.” I laugh.
She looks up at me, her brown eyes shining under the fluorescent lighting of the ER room. I’m suddenly overwhelmed with love as I stare at her.
“I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you. I kept telling myself that I needed to get through this week with the show before we talked about all this.”
“Are you sure you want to talk about this now? We can wait until you’ve gotten some rest,” I ask, rubbing her leg.
“It’s okay. I’m okay. This is more important right now.
Honestly, I told myself that there was nothing you could say to justify keeping all that from me.
That any excuse you gave me for not telling me you were married was going to be total crap.
And then you had to go and tell me the only thing that could justify everything you did.
All the lying, all the secrets, all the rules. ”
“I wanted to tell you. So many times. And it’s not that I wouldn’t trust you with that secret, but I haven’t told anyone.
Besides Mary and Sam, no one knows. Not even my family.
Hell, I didn’t even invite any of them to the wedding.
And it’s been eating me alive for six years.
Other than Mary, I’ve had no one to talk to about this, and while Mary and I are close friends now, I couldn’t really tell her how isolating it was, how lonely I felt.
How I felt like I had no control over my life.
But I was happy to do it for her, and I refused to make her feel guilty for my decision. ”
She looks at me, her brow furrowing as she works out her thoughts in her head, careful with her words when she speaks. “Is that why you became Daddy Dom?”
“Partly. I’ve always been into BDSM, and never shied away from exploring my dominant side, but once I became a married man publicly, I essentially agreed to become celibate.
I had it in my head that I couldn’t risk it ever looking like I was cheating on my wife if I wanted our union to look believable.
If anyone ever saw me at the club, I could explain that I just worked there, but it was the only outlet I had to control these urges I could never act on.
And I didn’t want to get involved with anyone because I knew I couldn’t pursue it as long as I was married.
I didn’t want to jeopardize her citizenship, and I couldn’t imagine any partner I had being okay with waiting all those years for me to get a divorce.
So I came up with rules that allowed me to indulge in a scene at the club in private while also protecting myself from getting attached.
And I pushed you away when I felt myself falling for you. ”
“That’s why you wore the mask and disguised your voice. Does Alyx know all of this?”
“He knows some. He didn’t know I was married, though. He knew I was a college professor and knew my first name. And he figured out that I was Professor A-hole pretty quickly.”
“And I just thought you were uptight.”
“Far from it. I’ll never forgive myself for the way I treated you in all of this, pushing you away and then pulling you back in.
You trusted me as your dom to provide for you, and I broke that trust. I’m so fucking sorry, pet.
You deserve to be worshipped and adored, not hidden away like my dirty little secret.
“I need you to know that I didn’t mean what I said in that practice room when he had you—” I take a shuddering breath and squeeze her leg still in my lap, grounding myself to her as a reminder that she’s okay.
“Fuck, Em, I was so scared, seeing you restrained like that, not knowing what he was capable of. And when you said your safe word, I knew I had to do something to distract him.”
“I remember saying it, and some of what you said after, but parts are fuzzy. My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest, but when you touched me, I knew you would keep me safe.”
“He was so close to you, it took everything in me not to beat his ass right there, and I would have if he didn’t have a knife.
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to keep you safe, Em.
No length I wouldn’t travel to find you.
I’d walk away from it all right now if you asked me to.
My job. My marriage. The club. If you asked me to leave, I would.
There’s nothing you could demand of me that I wouldn’t do for you. ”
Reaching out, I stroke her cheek with the back of my hand and revel in the way she leans into it. She grips my wrist holding my hand in place.
“As much as I should be mad at you, I’m not.
Don’t get me wrong, I was furious when I found out.
Devastated. And if you had come to me then I don’t know that I would’ve given you the time of day.
But you gave me space because you knew I needed it.
You supported me quietly in the background even when I wasn’t aware.
And if you hadn’t been at the show, I don’t know what Jeremy would have done because no one even noticed I was gone.
All my family came to earlier performances.
You were the only one there for me today. ”
“I’ll always be there for you, if you allow me.”
“But you lied to me. You hid things from me. And while I understand your reasoning, it’s going to take time to earn back that trust.”
My gut twists at her words, but I deserve it.
“I won’t lie and pretend like I didn’t have my own selfish reasons for keeping you in the dark.
If you knew who I was earlier, you may have walked away.
If you found out I was married sooner, you may not have been willing to wait for me.
And I wanted you so fucking badly. I wanted you to want me.
I wanted to be the only one that could truly provide you with what you needed, even if I couldn’t give you all of me at the time. ”
“I want that. All of you. No more hiding behind a mask. At least metaphorically. It’s kinda hot in a scene sometimes.”
“No more hiding,” I agree.
“So what happens now?” she asks, hope lighting up her face.
I rub the back of my neck as my jaw flexes. “Maryam asked for a divorce. She wants me to be happy.”
“Would that make you happy?”
“Divorcing her? No. Not if it means she could be deported.”
“Would she?”
“There’s no telling. She’s confident that it’ll be fine. And it is possible to get a green card if you’re divorced, but we’re so close to the finish line, for her safety, I don’t want to risk it.”
She nods solemnly, blinking rapidly.
“But if you ask me to, I will. If it would earn back even one iota of your trust, I’d do it,” I admit.
We sit in awkward silence, and I can see her brain processing everything I’ve said, her eyes occasionally drifting to me then back to the door as she watches nurses walking past. I want to confess how I truly feel, wrap her in my arms and finally say those three words.
I know she feels it; I think she knows that I’m feeling it, but I’ve already shared a lot with her, and I don’t want my confession to be in an ER triage room after she’s just been brutally attacked.
The drugs Jeremy gave her probably aren’t fully out of her system.
And I want her fully cognizant when I declare my love for her. I want her to remember every word.
“Once they discharge you, I’m going to take you to Alyx’s.”
Her swollen eyes lock with mine, and I can see the exhaustion in them.
“Will you wait for me?” It’s a shitty thing to ask her, and I’d totally understand if she said no.
When she nods her head, I breathe a sigh of relief. “This is bigger than me. Bigger than us. I couldn’t ask you to risk her safety for my own selfish desires.”
I cup her cheek, pulling her forehead to mine, my words a whisper on her lips.
“Let me say it again so it’s clear: I would if you asked me.
If you needed me to, I wouldn’t hesitate.
Mary made some very convincing arguments that have eased my guilt.
So if you change your mind, I’ll do it for you.
” I lean up and kiss her forehead, mouthing the words against her skin that I want to say out loud. “Now get some rest.”