Chapter 7
seven
*LEO*
Soren sticks to his word and picks me up early in the morning before he has to go to work. And this time I am not an utter mess. I manage to look well put together and actually hold a conversation with him… somehow.
It’s still not as easy as it once was.
The rest of the day, I spend preparing the decorations for Aspen’s shop, cuddling with Barkley and spending time with Aspen.
On Friday evening, Robin successfully chases Aspen out of the shop and lets me have full rein on it without any disturbances. “Okay, how can I help!?” Robin exclaims.
“You could carry in the boxes,” I offer. “And then help me with your bookshelves. I want to do these first. Did you prepare the books I asked for?”
“Yes! I have one pile with Christmas-themed books for adults and one for kids.”
“I have made custom book covers out of the wrapping paper we bought. We can use the sparkling ones for the kids, and the gold-red ones for the adult books.”
Robin might not be the craftiest person, but he has endless energy and buzzes around me, doing whatever he can to help.
“Do you think Aspen will like it?” I ask him.
“He better does,” Robin says with a grin. “But seeing how you are the one doing it I doubt he will even utter a bad word.”
“I doubt that’s true,” I say. “It’s still his business. I am sure he wants it to look presentable.”
“You need to have more confidence,” Robin says. “Because what you did over the last three days is actually insane. Everything looks amazing. How many hours did you spend on this?”
“I didn’t work nonstop,” I say evasively, not wanting him to feel bad.
“Soren said you were dipped in glitter yesterday morning,” Robin teases.
I can’t help the twinge in my chest, not sure if it’s guilt or anxiety or even jealousy. “You talked to Soren about this?”
“Not really. But he had glitter on his jacket and then told me he met you before.”
I feel silly now for thinking they talk about me behind my back. Old habits die hard. “I didn’t sleep well,” I admit. “And got up early to spray some of the reindeer figures I made.”
“Do you like it here?” Robin asks.
His sudden change of topics always makes my head spin. We were just talking about Christmas decorations, and now he asks me something completely unrelated. “You mean here, as in West Sunhaven?”
“Yes.” Robin sounds anxious. “I mean, I know you are more of a city boy, and this town is tiny.”
“I was a city boy,” I clarify.
“And now you are a small-town boy?” he giggles.
“Not really,” I say. “But I guess I am a I-like-the-slowed-down life boy right now. The city became too loud eventually.”
“I get that,” Robin says. “I used to live in a bigger city too.”
“No way, really?”
“Yep. Can’t imagine, huh? I had a corporate job.”
I stare at him, completely shocked. “You are joking!”
“I told you how I was completely lost, right? When I was eighteen, I moved away from here. The town just felt too small. I tried a couple of jobs in the city and then returned a year later. Pretty pathetic, huh?” There is a flash of insecurity in his eyes.
I am always so focused on myself and my problems that I forget that other people might struggle with something too.
“Not at all,” I say. “You tried something new, and it wasn’t for you. There is no shame in that. I think sometimes we need to make a new experience to be able to decide for ourselves what we want.”
Robin’s head perks up before he squeals and hugs me. “You are amazing, thank you.”
“You are welcome,” I mutter, completely flustered. I just say what came to mind. Talking with Robin is so much easier than with anyone else. I don’t overthink when I am with him. However, something strikes me. “You said you met Aspen when he arrived in town, right?”
“Yes.”
“How does it add up? Aspen left home when he was eighteen.”
“Oh, I am two years older than he is.”
At that, I almost drop everything I‘m holding. Robin looks my age. Of course, I knew he had to be older, but I didn’t imagine him older than Aspen! “Just how old are you?”
“You are twenty-six, right?” he asks me.
When I nod, he grins. “So, Soren is eight years older. I am thirty-two, and Aspen is turning thirty soon, but you probably know that.”
I can’t wrap my head around what he just said. He looks so much younger! He could easily pass for a student.
“I have good skin, don’t I?” he grins.
I chuckle. “You do.”
“What about you?” he asks.
“I have good skin, too,” I say, although I know exactly what he truly means.
Robin giggles. “No, silly. I meant: Did you enjoy life in the big city?”
“At first, I did.”
Robin looks at me expectantly. When I stay quiet, he gnaws on his bottom lip. “Sorry,” he blurts out.
“What for?”
“I shouldn’t ask,” he says. “I… fuck… I always talk and talk and sometimes don’t realize what the fuck I am saying and asking. And I never mean to upset anyone or to be insensitive or to cross any boundaries, but I do.”
“Robin,” I say quietly. “You didn’t say anything wrong. Please don’t worry.” I pause. “Things happened during the last year. I didn’t imagine they ever would, but they did. And then everything turned into a nightmare, and now I am here because Aspen saved me from drowning.”
I know nothing of what I just said will make sense to Robin, but I don’t have the words or the mental strength to truly explain anything to him. Whenever I am forced to remember what happened, I just feel my mind being pulled into the abyss again.
Robin looks at me. “Do you want a hug?”
I blink through the whirlwind of my emotions. “What…”
“You just looked like you needed a hug. And I am a good hugger.” He says. “And don’t worry, I mean that in a platonic sense. I wouldn’t cross…” he pauses. “Forget the last part. But, hug?”
“I don’t know,” I mutter. But when Barkley comes tapping towards us too, I just can’t help it, and nod. Robin squeezes me into his arms with Barkley burying his head between us, excited to be included. Robin smells comforting and feels warm, like Aspen when he hugs me.
“Thank you,” I say quietly.
Robin draws back and pats my head. “I want to be your big brother too!” he suddenly exclaims.
“Where did that come from?” I blink.
“Just…” he shrugs. “It’s been a while,” he admits before turning away, grabbing the wrapping paper.
I want to ask him in more detail what he is talking about, but despite his outgoing personality, this seems to be somewhat of a sore topic.
“And if you don’t want another big bro, I can be your friend.”
“I don’t have many friends,” I admit. “Actually, just Aspen…”
“Then I will be a new one,” he beams.
For a while, we work in comfortable silence, aside from me here and there instructing Robin. Eventually, he breaks the silence again. “When did you know you were gay?” he asks me.
I feel it again, the suffocating pressure on my chest. This time, I try to breathe through it. I need to learn how to talk to people.
“Oh shoot, I did it again, didn’t I?” Robin groans. “I put my foot in it again. Aspen keeps saying that sometimes it feels like I have my foot there constantly.”
“It’s okay,” I say.
“Is it really?”
I rub my face. “I don’t know. I feel like it should be a normal question, especially since you already know I am gay anyway.”
“I am sorry,” Robin mutters. “Really, you don’t need to answer. If it helps, I am pan,” he tells me. “I don’t judge anyone, ever. I promise.”
“I know you don’t, or Aspen wouldn’t be your friend,” I say.
“Exactly!”
For a while, we continue our work. “Always,” I hear myself say. I don’t know why I even tell him, but it feels cathartic to do so. “I always knew it. The moment other boys in my class were interested in girls, while I was pining after my best friend, told me all I needed to know.”
“Does Aspen know?” Robin asks. “I am just asking so I won’t accidentally reveal anything to him in case he—"
“He does,” I reassure him.
Robin lets out a gigantic sigh of relief. “I am so glad! I suck at keeping secrets, and Aspen always knows. ALWAYS!”
“I know. He has always been like that.”
“Did you always get along well?”
“Yes, he was always my protector.” I smile.
“Cute.” Robin squeals.
The hinges of the door squeak slightly, the bell chiming, making us both turn around. “What’s cute?” Soren asks, peeking into the shop.
“Move aside,” Aspen groans. “It’s freezing outside. We brought food in case you two…“ He steps inside, his voice trailing off while his eyes seem to bulge out of his head.
“Wow,” Soren mutters, equally as stunned.
“It’s not finished yet,” Robin exclaims, twirling around with the mistletoe in his hands.
I carefully glance at my brother. “Do you like it? If you don’t… that’s okay. I can always change whatever you hate. It doesn’t have to remain this way. I know it’s”—Aspen walks over to me and squeezes me into a hug—“a bit much.”
“Not too much at all,” he exclaims. “Look at the place, Soren!”
“I am seeing it,” Soren says. His glasses are fogged up, and he takes them off to clean them. “And it looks amazing.”
“It’s all thanks to Leo!”
“We know that,” Soren chuckles. “Neither you nor Aspen is talented enough to pull this off.”
“Yep,” Robin grins. “And now that you are here, you can help.”
“Food first,” Aspen says, immediately switching into his big brother mode. “Then we can continue the work.” Robin is on board, immediately helping him grab some plates, while Soren walks over to me.
“Hey,” I say.
He smiles. “Hey.” For a while, he gazes around. Robin and I didn’t finish the project yet, but we built two little Christmas trees out of the books, both decorated cutely. We hung LED lights everywhere and worked on the windows. Now it’s time for the counter and the tables.
“I might have gone overboard,” I say quietly. Why am I feeling so fucking awkward again? Everything was easier when Robin was around, and I was chatting with him. “It’s all so glittery and probably a bit too much, too cheesy—“
“Don’t,” Soren says softly.
“Hm?”
“Don’t talk down on your own work.” He takes my arm, squeezing it gently.
“It looks amazing. And I know for a fact that Aspen and Robin always wanted to join the competition for the best Christmas decoration in town. It means a lot of good marketing and advertising for them. This is going to be so good for their business.”
“I actually got some silicone forms for coffee art too,” I say. “And some edible decoration for cake art in case Aspen wants to use it, plus some wintery accessories for the staff.” Scrunching my nose, I realize I might have gone a little overboard, no matter what Soren just told me.
“Do you know what to call Santa if he stops moving?”
I blink at him. “Huh? What?”
“Santa Paused.”
I stare at him, needing a couple of seconds to process it, then I cover my mouth and nose with one hand, snorting into it, while smacking him with my other.
Soren grabs my hand before I can move it away from his arm.
“Everything looks fantastic," he tells me. “And I mean it sincerely. You did not go overboard at all. This is Christmas! It’s the perfect time to go wild with decorations and have fun.”
Somehow, his words make me blush, even more so when I realize he is still holding my hand.
Fuck my stupid brain for not asking Robin earlier if Soren is gay.
I totally should have. Then I would know if this is a you are my best friend’s little brother moment, or I find you cute as a friend, or I want to ravish you.
The last thought makes me wince. I shouldn’t go there… It brings me back to when Dad said all those horrible things to me.
It’s just not right.
But somehow it feels right when I meet Soren’s eyes.