Chapter 27
twenty-seven
*SOREN*
Ikeep pacing around my place for what feels like hours. Eventually, I try to lie down in my bed and sleep, but I just can’t force my mind to switch off and let me rest.
What the fuck am I even doing here?
We spent the whole evening together as a group, which was the plan along, but on the downside, it didn’t give me the chance to talk to Leo again.
I know I messed up somehow, I am just not so sure where exactly.
I keep replaying our conversation over and over again, stumbling over my own words whenever I do.
Maybe Leo thought I wanted to break up with him. That’s not been my attention at all.
I am not used to being all over in my head like that. It’s like there is a movie playing in my mind over and over again, and that movie sucks.
I grab my phone, staring at it, as if it will give me the answers I need. Obviously, I don’t want to break up with Leo, but my words may have sounded like I did want to. I should call or write him, but it’s late, and he is probably asleep.
Not to mention that I sent him a message when I came home, which he hasn’t replied to yet.
Right after the fair, Leo decided to take Barkley and accompany Aspen to his place and pick up some stuff.
Each year, Aspen makes some wintery flavored jam with apples and cinnamon.
He is a very family-oriented person, and surprisingly domestic.
Another reason why he was so happy to have Leo around him now.
When I offered to help them, Leo rebuffed it. He did so with a polite smile, but it was obvious he wanted to be on his own.
And I kinda get it. I was completely weird to put it lightly when I talked to him. He either thinks I don’t want to be with him anymore or that I… I don’t even know.
“Oh fuck,” I groan, getting out of my bed again and padding into the living room.
There I am met with the litter of kittens, and a couple of big innocent eyes looking at me.
Only two of them are asleep, while the others clumsily pad around.
“You can’t sleep either?” I mutter, picking one of them up.
They are a Maine Coon mix and will probably become huge cats. The orange one is my favorite, mainly because it’s clumsy and a little stupid. It’s adorable, and it clings to me a lot. “I will have a hard time letting you go, Cracker,” I mutter.
Leo gave them all food-related names, which is another adorable thing he did. “Leo really shaped my everyday life,” I tell Cracker. “I got so used to having him around, and I haven’t even known him for long.”
Cracker yawns, stretching his paws and showing off his cute little toe beans.
“You like him too, don’t you?” I ask. “And Barkley.”
Bernese Mountain dogs are such a kind breed. Barkley immediately took a liking to the cats, especially to bold, braincell-lacking Cracker. One afternoon, I even spotted him sleeping between Barkley’s huge paws.
“I don’t want him to leave,” I say.
My own words make me pause. “Oh fuck, that’s it, huh? I keep telling him that I don’t want to be in his way, but I can’t have him leave either.”
But how can I ask him to stay?
Cracker tilts his head and looks at me through his soulful eyes. “What about Barkley?” I ask. “Will Leo take him along? I don’t think he will be able to leave him behind.” I groan. “My god, I am going insane.”
I grab my phone again, contemplating my options for a moment, and then ringing the one person I know will always pick up no matter at what time I call.
Robin picks up on the fifth ring. He mutters and grumbles under his breath, and I can hear some rustling in the background. “Robin?” I ask.
“Is that really you, Soren?” he asks, sounding drowsy.
“Robin, what if Leo finds somebody better once he leaves?”
“For fuck’s sake, Soren,” Robin groans. “What… do you know how late it is?!”
I glance at my clock. “2 a.m.”
“Why are you still awake?”
“I just can’t sleep,” I say.
“And Leo?” he asks tiredly.
“He isn’t here,” I say. “He went with Aspen, and I think he is staying at his place.”
It’s quiet for a long while, making me believe Robin fell asleep again. “Robin?”
“I am still here.” Robin sounds a tad more awake and a lot more alert. “What did you do?”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“Soren!” He groans. “You call me in the middle of the night, so you better tell me what you did. And why do you think Leo is going to date someone else?”
“Well, Michael offered him his job back,” I say.
“Yeah, we all caught up on that part,” Robin says. “And?”
I hesitate, not sure how to continue. Robin is right… And?
“He will leave,” I say quietly.
“Did he say that?” I hear Robin walking around and switching on his coffee machine.
“Not in words,” I admit.
“So, he didn’t say it,” Robin concludes. “I am still missing a crucial part, though. You talked during the fair, right?”
“Yes, I… I might have told him that I am not going to hold him back,” I admit. “Looking back at it now, it may have sounded like I was about to break up with him, maybe.”
It’s quiet for a while, then Robin clears his throat. “You were all over in your head. No surprise he is mad.”
“You also think he is mad?” I ask, my heart sinking. Not that I didn’t notice myself.
“He barely talked to you for the evening. He went with Aspen and then to his own place, instead of staying with you and probably didn’t answer your messages,” he says.
“Of course he is mad. You had a whole fucking conversation in your mind about how he is about to leave and leave you, and find a better guy, instead of actually talking to him.”
“I kinda did, huh?” I sigh, sitting down again with Cracker on my lap.
“Listen, I get it, that handsome dude comes out of nowhere, drags Leo away to have a private conversation, and all we know is that he offered him his job back. Plus, your stupid ex fucked you over. I get why you would panic, but you are too old for that type of teenager drama. You didn’t even ask Leo what truly happened, just jumped to conclusions.
If you want to know what he is planning on doing, you have to ask him.
If you want to know what Michael truly told him, you have to ask him.
If you don’t want him to think you are breaking up with him, you have to tell him. ”
“You are right,” I say, sitting up a bit straighter. “You are right. I was lowkey being pathetic.”
“Scratch the lowkey,” Robin giggles. “Jeez, good to know that you are not perfect, Soren.”
“Thank you,” I say. “You are the best friend a person could have, Robin.”
Robin is quiet for a moment. “Thank you,” he says, his voice quivering slightly. “It means a lot to me that you just said that. So, what are you going to do?”
I put Cracker back with his siblings before grabbing my jacket. “I am going to visit Leo.”
“Now?” Robin asks, before sighing. “Well, he did send me a couple of messages an hour ago, when I was still asleep. It’s all silly GIFs.” He pauses. “Oh, and a cute pic of Barkley.”
“So, he is awake,” I conclude. “Wish me luck, and good night, Robin.”
“Good luck,” he yawns. “And you better invite me to coffee or cake, or rather both, soon.”
“Deal,” I say, before hanging up.
I don’t waste any more time and hurry to my boyfriend’s place. I go on foot, as it‘s not that far, anyway. With how fast I am running, it’s not going to take me more than fifteen minutes.