Chapter 8
Nash
Just like yesterday, today is perfect.
Normally, it’d be because there’s inches of fresh snow for us to ski on, but today, it’s because I woke up spooning Caleb. I would’ve stayed under the covers with him all morning if I could have, but the kids wanted breakfast, so skiing with him again today feels like the next best thing.
The boys are ahead of us now, side by side on the two-person chairlift, their skis resting on the bar. We’re a chair behind them, and for once, I’m grateful for the separation to spend some alone time with Caleb.
Something is building between us, and I need to know if I’m the only one feeling it. It’s not just the way he let himself sink into me last night or how he didn’t rush out of my arms this morning.
It’s what I overheard this morning.
He told Sam I’m great, that being close to me felt good.
Even though I didn’t hear the whole conversation, I can’t stop thinking about how honest that part sounded. Maybe he’s not as far behind me in these blooming feelings as I thought. He feels like the one I’ve been waiting years to find, as insanely fast as that sounds.
The boys are waiting for us off to the side of the drop zone, and once we catch up, they waste no time heading down the run. We follow, carving down the mountain a little more carefully than our sons, who have no concept of gravity or fear. Ah, to be young again.
At the bottom, the boys want to go again, of course. After checking the time, we agree to a couple more runs and load back onto the lift.
As soon as we get situated on the lift this time, Caleb turns to me. “Last night,” he starts quietly, “that wasn’t… weird for you?”
“No,” I answer quickly, hopefully leaving no room for doubt. “It wasn’t.”
He nods slowly, like he’s thinking through his next words carefully. “Are you…?”
I don’t say anything for a second, and when it’s clear he isn’t going to finish his question, I think about how I want to word my response.
“I’m bi. I’ve gone on a few dates with men since my divorce, but none of them ever led anywhere.
In college, I hooked up with a guy a few times, but that’s it. ”
He nods again, giving me a shy smile as his cheeks heat.
“Well, okay, cool. Thanks for telling me.”
“Of course.” I pause, studying him, sensing there’s more he wants to ask, but he’s probably holding back after asking about my sexuality.
I want to give him the space to ask, but also let him know I’m not hiding any parts of me, either.
“I married my college girlfriend. We divorced four years ago, and I haven’t seriously dated anyone since.
I’ve met a few men, but… they weren’t right.
I’ve enjoyed it, but it’s been hard to find something real. ”
Caleb’s gaze drops to the safety bar in front of us, fingers tightening just slightly as he starts twisting his hands around it. I don’t know how he’s going to react to that, or if he’s interested in me at all, but with the way I’m feeling already, I want to lay it out there.
After a moment, he opens his mouth, but he swallows the words. “Fuck,” he breathes to himself before trying again. “I’ve never been with a man,” he nearly whispers, but I hear him loud and clear.
I’m not sure if that means he’s interested in men but hasn’t been with one, or if this is some kind of bi-awakening for him. Either way, he seems to be bracing for something that feels like a mix of judgment, discomfort, and maybe even regret, but he doesn’t need to brace with me.
I reach over and place my gloved hand over his, trying to offer him that same comfort he was explaining to Sam this morning.
“That’s okay,” I say gently, because it is. He looks up at me, light blue eyes dusted with hazel locking on mine, and gives me a small smile.
I don’t want to push him, but I’m curious about what this could mean for us.
We only have so much time left here, and I’d hate for us to leave the mountains without him knowing that I’d love to keep exploring this connection between us.
If he’s not into it, then I’ll lick my wounds and move on, but I can’t do that until I know.
“You don’t have to say more if you’re not ready. But I want you to know I’m here. I’d like to understand what it means for you, if you ever feel like talking about it. I’m not expecting anything, I just wanted you to know I see you,” I add.
He surprises me by flipping his palm to meet mine, glove against glove, and gives my hand a squeeze. I wish the layers weren’t there so I could feel his skin against mine without anything between us. Even like this, though, I can feel the way he’s reaching for comfort. Just like last night.
“I’ve known for a long time that I’m attracted to men,” he says after a moment.
“But I’ve never acted on it. Honestly, never even really said it out loud like this before to anyone.
Growing up in Missouri, it didn’t feel safe to even think about it.
Then I got married, also to my college girlfriend, and we had Sam.
After the divorce, I didn’t know how to go back and figure myself out.
I feel too old to screw around with a stranger, and I don’t want to date just to date.
Plus, it’s hard to leave Sam when I don’t have to. We don’t have family nearby.”
I nod, feeling something shift in my chest at the longing and loneliness I hear in his voice. It’s clear that sharing that took a lot of courage, and I’m grateful he trusted me to tell me that already.
“You don’t have to have everything figured out,” I assure him. “You don’t owe anyone a label or an explanation—me included—and you’re definitely not too old. Besides, you never know who you’re going to meet and when.” I smile, giving his hand a reassuring squeeze.
Caleb looks at me then, and for the first time since we started this conversation, there’s relief in his expression.
“Thanks. When you held me last night, I felt like I could breathe for the first time in a long time,” he murmurs.
I pause for a moment, knowing how hard it is to admit something like that out loud, especially when you’ve spent your whole life pretending you didn’t need it.
Or worse, telling yourself you couldn’t have it because you grew up in a place where admitting your desires made you a target, so conforming was survival.
“I felt that too,” I agree. “I wished we could’ve stayed like that for even longer.”
“I’m really glad we met,” he says with so many emotions in his eyes, and my heart damn near explodes in my chest.
“Me too, and I’d definitely like to see you again after this weekend,” I finally admit, laying it out there.
He grins at me, and his eyes light up. “I’d really like that.”
We’re almost to the drop zone now, so I give his hand one final squeeze and pull away as the chairlift moves closer, lifting the bar as we get ready to stand.
This run is quieter for Caleb and me, not the boys, though, who are still having a great time together. All I can focus on is what Caleb just shared with me. He sounded like he was scared to say it out loud, which I understand.
During the years Tess and I were married, I hardly ever brought up my sexuality, mainly because it was assumed for me.
She knew I was bi, and it never bothered her, or we never would’ve gotten married in the first place.
But once you’re married, or in any long-term relationship, people make their assumptions.
After we divorced, I started correcting people when they assumed I was straight.
Even though everyone who truly mattered in my life already knew, there are so many people I’m around daily who didn’t.
And I’m fully aware of just how much strength it takes to step outside the version of yourself that’s always felt safest to exist in.
I’m proud of him for sharing what he did today, and I still want more.
I want to know what his days look like when no one’s watching.
I want to know how he takes his coffee, what kind of music he listens to when he’s alone in the car, and what he does for work.
I want to hear the stories behind the photos on his fridge.
I want to know if he hums while he’s doing the dishes and his favorite takeout restaurant.
I want to know what makes him laugh so hard that he has to cover his face, or if he snorts.
I want to know the version of him that only comes out when he’s comfortable, when he’s safe.
This doesn’t feel like a crush or a moment or a fling. It feels like a beginning.
And I don’t want to miss any part of it.