~ 10 ~ #2
“My best friend knows. And now you guys. I’m keeping it tight. Could you keep it to yourselves?”
I nodded. “Of course.”
Oscar mimed zipping his mouth shut.
“It’s why I haven’t been able to write. Ugh.
I just feel so in my feelings the whole time.
When I’m with her, it’s like I’m high on drugs.
And then when she goes, I get withdrawal symptoms. I don’t know how I’m going to live without her if she dumps me, and I think when she goes back to the US after filming she is going to. ”
“How does that make you feel?” I picked up a notepad and pen.
“Angry. Disappointed. Sad. Hurt. Stupid for falling for her bullshit.”
I scribbled down what she said and looked up when she said stupid. “You’re not stupid. There’s nothing wrong for falling for someone and having feelings for them.”
“I’ve never felt this strongly about anyone in my entire life. She’s my soulmate.”
“You obviously have a connection with her and I’m sure it isn’t casual for her either if she’s willing to risk her marriage for you.”
“Then why won’t she choose me? Why does she make me feel like I’m just an option when she’s literally everything to me.”
I understood what Flavia was saying on a visceral level. It was one of the most painful things I’d gone through with Becca. “Is there a possibility she might surprise you? You could wait and see how this plays out?”
Flavia shrugged. “I could.”
“You said you’ve been journalling?”
“Yeah.”
“How would you feel about using this experience to inform your music?”
Flavia held my gaze for a moment, as if the thought had never crossed her mind. “You mean tell the world about it in my next album?”
“It’s often a great way to process what you’re going through by using it to fuel your creativity instead of letting it hinder it. It might also resonate with people because it’s real.”
“But my audience expects me to make pop albums about falling in love and living your best life.”
“Growth and reinventing yourself is often what makes a career truly last.” I felt like a hypocrite saying this to Flavia when I myself hadn’t done any of this. I’d run away the minute things got tough, and I had a breakup album of my own sitting on my hard drive buried in a folder.
She nodded. “I do know that. It’s just going to be hard to put myself out there emotionally. I have songs that didn’t make it onto my debut because I just wanted to keep them to myself.”
Again, I knew exactly what she meant. But a breakup album was a sure-fire way to advance Flavia’s career or at the very least, get her working again.
Especially writing about a high-profile lesbian split.
I wouldn’t push her on it, of course. It was a personal decision and would have to come from her.
“Wouldn’t it be the best way to get back at her?” Oscar casually dropped into the conversation. “Assuming she does faze you out and eventually break up with you. Just think of the media buzz and attention you could generate.”
Flavia considered it. “I have been feeling super angry and it does make me uncomfortable. Disappointed and more hurt I know what to do with. But anger is gross. Maybe it would be good to get it out. But not to get back at her. Maybe I’ll write a few songs from this place and that’ll help me to move forward. Then I’ll see where we’re at.”
“We can do whatever you want to do,” I said.
“Do you mind if we leave it here for today? I have a lot to think about.”
After Flavia left, Oscar and I sat back down in the lounge area.
“Well, that was not what I was expecting at all,” Oscar said, opening a packet of biscuits.
“She’s a sweet girl,” I said. “It sucks to see her unhappy like this.”
“You won’t be making any music until she gets this out of her system. I totally agree she should channel it into her music. You suggested it very sensitively. Gives her the option to take it or leave it.”
“I don’t want her to feel pressurised into singing about it though. There’s no way I’ll let that happen. But we both know she has to work through her stuff or the album will be a bust and one of the best ways for her to do that is to write about it. Whether she uses those songs is her call.”
“Music people are weird, aren’t we?” Oscar said.
“Very,” I agreed. “Do you mind if the next time she comes in, I see her on my own? She might open up more if it’s just one to one.”
“Fine. But call me back in when she’s ready to dish the dirt in her lyrics.”
“Will do.”
Oscar handed me the packet of biscuits and I joined him.
I had nothing scheduled for the rest of the day.
But it was a nice opportunity to catch up with Oscar.
He’d been struggling with his depression again lately and I wanted to see if he would open up to me.
He normally didn’t and used humour to deflect.
But that message I got the other day from him when he’d said he was struggling to get out of bed had alarmed me.
“So back to your holiday,” he said, pouring us each a cup of tea. “Who is she?”
There was no use in hiding things from Oscar. Plus, I was super excited about Lily. I couldn’t stop thinking about her.
“My God. The smile on your face. Lesbians are mental. One date and you’re practically married. Please tell me you at least had sex with her.”
“We had sex.”
“Thank you. Are you in love yet?”
“Don’t,” I scolded him. “I really like her. Even if I have only known her for a short time.”
“You were in Greece for one week.”
“We’ve been texting every day since we got back.”
“What’s her name?”
“It’s Lily Sharpe.”
“Who’s that?”
“The footballer. Captain of England. Former; she’s retired now.”
Oscar looked lost.
“Went out with Jenni Vermoso and was major drama in the lesbian world last summer? She was in that Nike ad.”
“Oh yeah, I know who you mean now. She is a big deal. Good looking. Nice work, Rona!”
“Don’t put it like that. She’s lovely.”
“I didn’t say she wasn’t.”
“You make her sound like a celebrity.”
“She is. How do you feel about that?” He tilted his head to the side, narrowing his eyes.
“I don’t know.”
“Is she single?”
“Why would you even ask that?”
“After the shit-show that Flavia came in with this morning, I think it’s a valid question.”
“She’s single.”
“Does she seem like someone you would want to actually date?”
I thought about it. While we had had an amazing time in Greece, I didn’t fully know her yet.
Despite how open and lovely she was, I sensed she was holding back a bit.
She reminded me of Becca in a way. Like if I was too intense too soon, she might run for the hills.
The last thing I needed was to get into another frustrating push-pull dynamic.
Her fame also made me uncomfortable, but how could I fault her for that?
“She lives in London.”
“Convenience has never sounded more romantic.” He gave me a knowing look. “When are you seeing her again?”
“I’m not sure. We don’t have any firm plans yet.”
“Oh she’s hooking you in, darling! What do you talk about every day?”
I wouldn’t share our personal and increasingly intimate conversations with Oscar.
He didn’t need to know that our chats sparked my brain in new and strange ways.
I craved Lily’s take on things. She knew more than she let on about things, and her curiosity was so attractive.
We were having an intellectual connection that went beyond the fact that we had the most incredible sex I’ve ever had, and she seemed to be equally as into it.
We were still getting to know each other but I was fast becoming obsessed.
“It’s private.”
“I’m sorry, Rona. I’m only teasing. It sounds wonderful that you’ve met a new person and it’s going well. Will you keep me posted when you feel ready?”
“I will but you’ll need to keep it to yourself. I don’t want anything getting out. Not that there’s anything to get out yet.”
“You could be the next lesbian ‘it’ couple but I know you probably wouldn’t want that.”
“I don’t know what I want. All I know is I’m happy to keep talking to her and I’m looking forward to seeing her again now that we’re back home.”
“Oh you’re already smitten, sweet Rona, but I’ll shut up. I know my place.”
Oscar went outside for his vape. I would try to gently ask him more about how he was really doing once he came back.
I checked my phone. Lily hadn’t texted back yet. I didn’t particularly want to be a celebrity lesbian couple. But we weren’t even a couple yet, so this theorising was ridiculous.
I stared at the part of the sofa Flavia had sat on. Poor girl. I wouldn’t wish her crumbling age gap situationship on anyone, especially someone so young.