~ 11 ~
Lily
Nikki and Sophie convened on my sofa as if they were about to perform an intervention.
Both were fully clad in our team tracksuit, or rather my old team, having just come straight from training.
Nikki always gave me the feeling like she could jump up and do a somersault.
She was that springy and athletic. Her pace down the right-hand side was phenomenal and she didn’t have much patience.
You always knew where you stood with Nikki, and I liked that.
Sophie was an engine of the team like me, seeing all and orchestrating the play from midfield.
She’d set me up for many goals over the years.
We were a formidable midfield pair. I owed a lot of my career to her.
Our friendship had always been a trio, but lately, I was feeling like I didn’t quite fit in.
“Coffee?” I suggested, knowing they would prefer a protein shake or something. I hadn’t been bothering to eat the same amount of food as I used to. I didn’t have the same appetite these days. I probably looked nothing like an athlete now to them.
“No, thanks,” Nikki replied.
“I’ll take one,” Sophie said, being kind.
It gave me the excuse to escape to the kitchen. They both followed me and we hovered around the kettle like it was a water cooler in an office. I hadn’t realised how messy it must have looked in here with the used cups and plates still on the counter. I kept meaning to get around to it but hadn’t.
Sophie spoke softly. “How’ve you been, Lily? You haven’t been replying to our texts and we’ve not seen you in ages. We’ve been worried about you.”
“I’m sorry. I’ve just been needing some time on my own.”
Nikki gave me a look.
I sighed. “I haven’t been feeling myself lately.”
“What’s going on?” Sophie asked.
Part of me wished I didn’t have to share and be so open with my closest friends, but I knew good communication was important. It’s what had held us all together over the years. The kettle boiled and I left it there.
“I don’t know what to do with myself. I want to try new things and find something to do but since I got back from Greece all I seem to actually do is mope about the house and sit around watching Netflix.
To be fair, I’ve had a lot of shows to catch up on.
” I didn’t want to let them know that I had started having a few beers at home by myself too.
I’d never done that before, being so focused on my game and all that.
I took a deep breath, wishing they didn’t know me so well sometimes.
We’d been through so much together – tough matches, penalty shoot outs, injuries, breakups. The list was endless.
“It’s a huge adjustment,” Sophie said. “You’re bound to be finding it difficult. We’re missing you at the club, big time. Are you still training?”
I gave her a small smile when she said they’d been missing me at the club. It felt like a limb had been ripped off me, not being there anymore. “I’ve been going on some runs and long walks. Need it to keep me sane.”
“It’s good you’re keeping active.” Sophie took over making the coffee. She’d taken her long red hair out of her pony, and it swung about her face.
“What new things do you want to try?” Nikki asked while doing a standing quad stretch. “Sorry, I’m still a little tight from training.”
I paused for a long time, embarrassed that I couldn’t articulate anything. This lack of direction was driving me mad.
“Are you still going to join Sam on the BBC commentating on the WSL?”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“Great.” Nikki started pushing against the kitchen counter, one leg out behind her, stretching her calves. “What an amazing opportunity. I think you’re going to be brilliant at it.”
I was waiting for the feeling to match my head.
It was an incredible opportunity but for some reason, I still wasn’t feeling excited about it.
It felt like I’d be going back into my old life, but not as the me I used to be.
“Thanks. I hope so.” I did not want to mess up on live television, and I did not want to sound ungrateful.
Nikki and Sophie were still in the professional football world and saw commentating on the BBC as the jackpot for retirement.
“And you’re sure you don’t want to coach?” Sophie said. She was already coaching and had made it clear that was what she was going to do when she retired in a couple of seasons. She was excellent at it and she loved it. Two important factors.
“I’m sure. It’s not for me.”
But what was? Commentating on a few matches here and there was hardly going to sustain me.
Sophie looked at Nikki and they shared a look. “We know you’re going through something here and you’ll be fine in time. But is there anything we can do to help?”
We used to see each other every day. Me not being around anymore was likely an adjustment for them too. Yes, I was struggling but it was nothing for them to worry about. I appreciated them being here more than I was able to let on.
“I don’t think so. You being here is already helping. I’ll be all right. Just need some time to figure this out.”
“You will,” Sophie said.
Nikki got the milk out of the fridge. “But in the meantime, why don’t we go out for a hike soon? We could drive somewhere nice and then go for a pub lunch.”
“Sounds great, I’d love to.”
Sophie smiled in agreement too and then handed me my cup. “You had a good time in Greece, then?” She took a sip of hers. “I saw the pictures on Instagram.”
“It was amazing. So beautiful. Vicky’s friends were all great. I liked them a lot. And I met someone, too. A friend of Vicky’s who was staying in the villa. We spent loads of time together. She’s so interesting, honestly. Things moved pretty fast if you know what I mean.”
Sophie’s eyes widened. “Wow, that’s so cool! Are you like dating, already?”
“No, we’re still getting to know each other.
I haven’t seen her since we got back. I’m not exactly on top form.
We’re texting a lot. Her name’s Rona Gibson.
She’s a music producer and used to be in that band Sculpt.
” I left out that Rona was on my mind every hour of every day and that I felt like something was beginning with us.
Nikki was already googling her on her phone. “She’s cute. Looks intelligent.”
“Let me see.” Sophie looked over Nikki’s shoulder at a more recent picture of Rona online. “Yeah, she’s hot. Yeah, I remember her in that band.”
Nikki eyed me closely, as if thinking something.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Oh come on you can’t say that. What is it?”
“I didn’t know she was your type.”
“I don’t have a type, do I?”
“Okay well then maybe I just always assumed you’d get with someone again who was also in football. She seems different, that’s all. Like she lives in a totally different world to you, I would think.”
I hoped Nikki wasn’t suggesting Rona was too good for me or we weren’t suited.
I liked that Rona was different to the sort of people, mostly footballers, I normally hung out with or dated.
It was part of the attraction for me. She was opening up my world to something new and I liked that, and I’d loved hanging out with the whole group and reconnecting with Vicky in Greece.
Maybe expanding my friend group was exactly what I needed.
It wasn’t like I didn’t have the time now, and all my football pals were focusing on the current football season and World Cup qualifying matches.
“I think what Nikki is trying to say,” Sophie glanced at Nikki, “is that Rona sounds great and she’s really excited for you. We both are.”
“Yeah, sorry,” Nikki backtracked. “That’s what I meant.”
Sophie took a sip of coffee. “Will you keep us posted?”
“I will.” I found myself smiling. Chatting to Rona was the one thing keeping me going at the moment, although I could never tell her that.
She wanted me to be this famous footballer who was at the start of something new and exciting when the reality was very different.
I was at the start of a new series on Netflix and part of me was just fine with that.
But I had to pick myself up at some point.
I had this match to commentate on and I was going to be seeing Rona very soon.
Nikki was right in the sense that I hadn’t dated anyone outside of football in a long time.
It was a new direction for me. All I had to do now was see if there was something genuinely there between me and Rona or if we were just getting caught up in the moment due to all the sun, sea and nakedness.
I wasn’t sure what it was going to be like seeing her again back in grey old London.
Part of me wished we could stay on Greece forever and not have to deal with real life.
I didn’t want her to see me like I was at the moment, that’s why I’d dragged my heels a bit about when we were going to meet up.
But I couldn’t make a woman like Rona wait. I needed to get my shit together.
“Do you guys want to stay for lunch? I can whip up an omelette if you don’t mind waiting for me to clean up a bit and cook?”
“Honestly thought you’d never ask, mate,” Nikki said. “I’m fucking starving.”
“We’ll help,” Sophie said, opening up the dishwasher.
***
The game was end to end. Both teams were pressing hard.
The crowd was like a twelfth player for the home side.
I knew each team inside out and it felt like just yesterday I was on the pitch.
I wished I was playing. There was a dull ache in my chest. I had visions of pulling on a jersey and running onto the pitch.
Instead, I stayed put in the plush studio inside the stadium with my best suit on, chained to the sidelines.
Nothing about this felt right.