Chapter 26
twenty-six
Lachlan
M y entire body goes tight at the sound of my father’s voice.
Ainsley pushes up. “Hi, Mr. West. It’s me, Ainsley.”
“Ainsley? Oh, hi, dear.”
“Sorry, I used the secret passage. I didn’t know you were home,” she admits.
My dad takes a few steps closer, the light brightening from behind him. “I got home about an hour ago. I didn’t know you were visiting.”
Another step. One more and I won’t be able to stay hidden.
“Yeah, umm, I’ll head back.”
“No need, you know you’re always welcome. Isabelle loved when you’d sneak over.”
The way he says my mother’s name makes me want to rage. How dare he talk about her as though he cared or knew what she loved. He would’ve had to be here, know her, give a shit about what she wanted to know that.
I move, coming out of the darkness.
His eyes widen. “Lachlan? Is that ... ?”
“We’ll be leaving now,” I say, taking Ainsley’s hand.
“Wait, please ... you don’t have to leave. Your mother would want you to visit. ”
Again with him talking about Mom like he has a clue about her wants. “I don’t think so.”
He looks around. “Is Rose here?”
Ainsley squeezes my hand and I meet her gaze. Her brown eyes are pleading. I turn to my dad. “She’s next door.”
“I would love to see her. I have some things that I’d like to give you. Things that were your mother’s. You could give them to her.” My father’s voice cracks at the end, and I feel a break in my heart.
With the lighting, I can see the garden in all its glory. This is exactly like I remember. Only there’s something over to the left that wasn’t there.
My father steps closer again. “Your mother’s ashes are back there. I hired the same landscape people she used and asked them to make an extension for her. Her own place so she can always be in her garden.”
I look to Ainsley, who smiles softly. “It’s really beautiful.”
“I sent you an email about it. I did a ceremony for her, hoped you’d come, but I don’t know if you got it.”
He had a ceremony?
Instead of opening the emails, I just delete them because there is nothing my father can say that will change how I feel. It was better to not open them instead of getting angrier than I was.
“I didn’t.”
“I delayed it a few times, but I wanted her to rest where I thought she’d be happiest.”
I nod once. “Right.”
“Lachlan, I . . .”
No, we’re not doing this now. “I’d like to see it and then we’re going back. Ainsley can bring Rose over tomorrow.”
Ainsley’s head snaps up. “Lachlan ...”
I sigh heavily. “We’ll talk and come up with something, but yes, either way, you’ll see Rose.”
“Thank you. I’ll leave you both alone now,” my father says as he takes a step back. “I hope you like her special area back there. ”
When he’s gone, Ainsley rests her other hand on my back. “I didn’t know he was here.”
“I know.”
“I’m sorry.”
I shake my head. “It’s not your fault. You knew about the memorial for her?”
“Yes, I was here the day it was dedicated.”
“And no one told me.”
Ainsley releases a heavy breath. “Well, we weren’t talking, so I didn’t think reaching out was a good idea. Caspian said he tried to bring it up to you, but you shut him down, and he wasn’t going to push.”
I run my hand through my hair and pace. “I should’ve been here.”
“You’re here now.” Her voice is soft and there’s no judgment there. “Go see it. It’s really beautiful.”
I turn to her. “Come with me.”
I don’t think I can be alone right now.
Ainsley takes my hand, and we make our way into a small clearing. I can’t remember what was here before, but now it’s perfect. There’s a small water fountain in the center of a round area. The stone benches curve around it, and there are bushes and flowers everywhere.
“She would’ve loved this,” I say absently.
“I think so too.”
“When did he do this?”
“About six months after she died. I think he started the planning for it the day after. He told the Admiral he wanted something for her to live forever in. He didn’t want to sprinkle her ashes. He wanted her close. When he had the fountain made, he had her ashes put in the concrete up here.” She points to the top layer.
I lift my hand, allowing the water to rush over my knuckles. With my eyes closed, I try to remember her face, how she smiled, the way her tears would fall as she apologized for not being stronger .
I thought she was the strongest woman on the planet, even at her weakest.
She tried. I know she tried. I was there and watched her get up each time she fell, desperate to be the mother she thought I needed.
Little did she know she already was.
Ainsley’s hand slides up my back and rests on my shoulder. “I would come here to talk to her,” she confesses. “It feels like she’s here. Your dad slept on that bench for a solid two weeks after this was built.”
I turn to her, my heart pounding. “It doesn’t change the past.”
“No, it doesn’t, but it doesn’t mean that we can’t find a way forward. Otherwise we’re just stuck.”
It feels as though I’ve been stuck for a long time, unable to let go of the past and unsure of how to handle the future.
All I know is that I want to do better. I want to give Rose stability, which is something I never had. At the same time, I don’t know that I’m doing any better than my parents did.
She has no one, really, but me.
She wanted me to marry Ainsley after the first day because she doesn’t have a mother.
I just can’t handle watching another person walk out of my fucking life because things are hard.
Life is hard.
Staying is harder.
Leaving should be hardest.
“I’ve been trying to do that for years.”
Her hand rests on my face, brushing the stubble on my chin. “Maybe you just need someone to give you their hand.”
“I’d pull you down, Ainsley.”
“I’ve got pretty good footing.”
I wish that was true. The fact remains that Ainsley leaves and I will stay. We’d be building a house on unstable ground, hoping the foundation doesn’t crack.
I remove her hand from my face, entwining our fingers. “Come on, let’s get to bed before your father wakes up and I have to answer those questions.”
Sadness flashes in her eyes, but she recovers quickly. “All right. Let’s get some sleep.”
“And the ship was so big and I got to climb into a bed and see everything!” Rose exclaims as she jumps out of the truck.
Today was a day she’ll never forget.
The Admiral was true to his word and got her a tour of the ship. She was in heaven. Her smile never wavered, and as much as this detour was not exactly what I wanted, Rose is happy.
“I’m glad you had fun,” I tell her.
“I want to be in the navy like the Admiral and Grandpa were.”
I crouch down in front of her. “You can do whatever you want when you grow up.”
“I’m going to tell Becky all about the big ship!” she yells and then dashes into the house.
Ainsley comes up behind me. “She had a great time.”
“Your dad came through.”
“When it comes to this stuff, he’s pretty good, and it was great you let Rose see your dad,” she notes.
When we got back to her father’s house, my dad was outside. There was really no way around it. I brought her over to the house, and he had a small box with some of my mother’s things. Then I made an excuse about leaving, and we were on our way.
I look at the door my daughter went through just a moment ago, questioning so many of my choices. “She has so little family. I question if I’m doing the right thing some days.”
“Rose has no shortage of people who love her. Don’t for one second think you haven’t given her all she needs. All I’m saying is that your dad does love her too. He loves you as well. He loved your mother and I think the guilt is eating him alive. You both have so much of the same feelings, and if you’d just talk to him, I think you’d see that.”
I’m not saying she’s wrong, but right now, I’m not sure I’m ready. “I’ll consider it.”
“Good. Now I have to get to work. I have another week here, and then I need to give my final draft to my boss.”
While I knew that our time was limited, when she says it, my stomach drops.
One week.
Seven days and then she’ll go back to New York and I’ll be here.
Six nights where I can have her to myself before I have to let her go.