Chapter 29
twenty-nine
Ainsley
“ I don’t want you to leave,” Rose says with an ache in her voice that has me wanting to cry.
“I don’t want to go, either, but maybe we can make some plans? Like, I’ll come to your competition, and maybe I can visit when Uncle Caspian comes?” I suggest, hoping her father will allow it.
She nods, that promise slightly mollifying her. “Do you think you can come to the carnival?”
I glance up at Lachlan. “There’s a carnival?”
“Yes, we have a big Founder’s Day carnival with rides, games, food, the whole thing in two weeks. You should come. We’d both love it.”
It’s the first time he’s talked about any kind of a future for seeing each other after this is over. I knew we weren’t going to completely cut each other off, but it’s nice to hear that he wants to see me again.
“I’d love that.” I smile at Rose. “I’ll put it in my calendar.”
She smiles and then wraps her arms around my neck. “I’m going to miss you, Ainsley.”
“Oh, sweet girl, you have no idea how much I’m going to miss you. But as long as your daddy says it’s okay, you can call me and tell me all about what’s new, and I’ll be here for the carnival.”
“All right, Rose, off to bed. You’re up way past your bedtime.”
“But I want to stay with Ainsley.”
I didn’t know it was possible for a heart to shatter, but here it is. Breaking off into tiny shards, cutting the inside of my chest open.
“I promise I’ll wake up early tomorrow and we can make pancakes and a surprise for your daddy,” I tell her.
She bobs her head and then walks off toward her room. Lachlan calls after her. “We’ll come in to say good night in a few minutes.”
“That was hard,” I admit.
“You did great. She isn’t wailing, so that’s something.” He pulls me close, kissing my nose. “I think I’ll be a bigger baby tonight and tomorrow.”
I wrap my arms around his middle. “You will, huh?”
“Probably.”
“You’ll miss me that much?”
“More than I’ll care to admit.”
I smile at that and nip his chin. “I’ll have to be extra nice tonight, then, so you’ll be a sobbing mess thinking about how much you wish I was still in your bed.”
Not that I won’t be sobbing every night I’m away from him, but hopefully we can talk and find a way around this.
He kisses me softly and then heads to Rose’s room, and I start to form a plan on how to make this work.
We walk hand in hand down to the falls. Hazel came over at my request, and there was sadness in her eyes when I explained I had to leave tomorrow.
I’m going to miss this place. I’m going to miss the people—and most of all Lachlan.
When we reach the water, he turns to me, his lips finding mine almost immediately. There’s a hunger, passion, and urgency that steals my breath. After one of the most frantic kisses I’ve ever had, he pulls me close, resting his forehead against mine. “Give me tonight, Ainsley. Don’t try to find a way or get in your head, just give me tonight. Please.”
“I’d give you forever.”
His mouth is on mine in a heartbeat. I lean back, tilting my head to allow him better entry. He kisses me deeply, pouring all his emotions into this moment. Lachlan’s hand moves to my back, guiding me down to the blanket laid out at our feet.
I use all my strength to shut my thoughts off. I want tonight to be all about us and this moment, because I don’t know whether I’ll ever find a love like this again. So I’ll give him tonight and pray that when I get in that car tomorrow, I still have a heart left to mend.
His mouth moves with mine languidly and ardently. All I want is more. I want aggression and roughness, because the tenderness is breaking me. I want to forget the fact that tomorrow I’ll drive away. I need to get lost in him, in us, in this moment.
His lips leave mine as he kisses from my neck to my collarbone. “I want you more than the air I breathe.” Lachlan pulls my shirt over my head, bringing his lips to my shoulder. “I’m going to memorize every inch of you so I can recall you anytime I need you.”
“You don’t have to remember. I’d come to you if you needed me.”
Lachlan turns me to him, cups my cheeks, and waits for me to look at him. “I need you, Ainsley. I need you to give me all of you tonight and don’t think about tomorrow.”
My heart pounds. “You have me. You’ve always had me.”
He pushes my pants down and I kick them off.
“God, you take my breath away,” he says as he tears off his shirt.
“Let me,” I say, moving toward him.
My fingers go to the button on his jeans, undoing it. Our eyes stay on each other as I move the zipper down, feeling like I’m exposing myself more than him in this moment.
I love him.
Slide.
I need him.
Slide.
I’m so afraid of losing him.
He stops my hand from going farther. “Don’t focus on anything else but right now.”
I nod and then push the material over his hips. “Don’t let me think, Lachlan. Take it away from me.”
His lips crush mine and he lays me down. I relish the way his tongue dances with mine, volleying for control. When his hands softly graze my stomach, I shiver. He pushes me to the ground, and his body weight anchors me.
He never breaks eye contact, forcing me to stay in the moment and not retreat into my head.
“You’re mine,” he whispers against my lips.
“Yours.”
Slowly his tongue slides down my neck, and he kisses the hollow there. “I love you,” he says as he moves to my chest, swirling his tongue around my nipple.
But love isn’t enough, is it?
Not when you have four states and eight hours to combat just to see each other. It’s too much, and despite the fact that I knew this going in, it still hurts.
“Please make love to me,” I request, hoping he’ll stop talking and causing my heart to break.
“Oh, I plan to. First, I need to taste this sweet cunt.” His fingers brush against my clit, and my back bows off the ground.
I sigh as he spreads my legs apart and I feel the scruff of his cheek against my inner thigh. “Yours,” I say as more of an afterthought.
My fingers slide into his dark hair, gripping the locks as his tongue moves against my clit. I close my eyes, letting the sensations wash over me. Each movement brings me closer, and the way he moans has my heart racing. I’m moving with him, my hips swaying, desperate for more.
“Lachlan.” I pant his name as the pleasure starts to crest. I’m so close. Everything feels distant and as though I’m in a haze. All I feel, see, sense, is him. He inserts a finger and holds my hips, fucking me with his mouth. “Oh God. I can’t. I can’t take it!”
But he doesn’t stop.
He pushes me over the cliff, holding me as I fall.
When I come back from a glorious orgasm, he moves up my body, pushing my hair back. “Tonight I’m going to love you as though we have all the time in the world.”
“If only that were possible.”
“It can be. Just be with me. Only me, Ainsley.”
My fingers cup his scruffy cheek and I force a smile. “It’s only ever been you, Lach.”
As we hold each other’s gaze, Lachlan enters me. All of it is overwhelming. We come together like magnets, the pull too great to resist.
When he’s fully seated, I think my heart might explode. Everything feels so intense, so freaking perfect. He’s inside me, loving me, and I wish this could go on forever.
“I need you,” he says as he slides in and out. “I hate that you made me need you!” Lachlan slams into me harder.
It’s as though a part of him has broken and he can’t control himself. His fingers dig into my hips as he bucks, going so deep I can feel it everywhere. “Yes!”
“Take me. Take it.”
I do. I let him have everything I am because without him, I feel like a part of me is missing.
“I love you. I love you. I hate that I love you,” I confess.
My life was just freaking fine before, but now all I’ve ever wanted is going to end.
Pleasure and pain mix in my veins, and his finger moves to my clit. I moan and close my eyes, wanting the pain that will become my constant companion in this world .
“Open your eyes,” he says through gritted teeth. “I want you to see me as you come.”
His dark-brown eyes stare back at me while he continues to hit the spot that’s driving me to orgasm. “I can’t stop it,” I gasp between thrusts. I grip Lachlan’s face, pulling him to me, and kiss him deeply.
The orgasm crashes through me so fast I break away, crying out his name as I come.
Lachlan continues to thrust his hips, a sleek sheen of sweat across his face. He comes hard before collapsing onto me. My fingers move up and down his spine as I fight back tears.
We lie here, spent both emotionally and physically.
After a minute, he rolls to his side, taking me with him so I’m tucked against him.
We don’t say anything for a long while, just wrapped in each other’s arms, staring up at the vast sky.
The stars seem to multiply, and I make a million wishes on them. Each one I ask for the same.
Please don’t let me lose him. Please let him not fight me on this.
“We should get back,” he says after a while. “It’s getting late.”
I pull myself tighter around him, refusing to go. Once we get back to the house, we’ll be one step closer to the end. “I don’t want to leave,” I confess, my heart in my throat.
“I don’t want you to.”
“And what if I didn’t have to?” I toss the possibility out there. I have nothing left to lose. I’m already destined to give him up.
“I’m not sure how you think that’s possible.”
I sit up, crossing my legs. “There are a hundred different ways to make this work, Lachlan.”
“Until there’s not.”
Okay, that hurt.
“You’re giving up without even trying?”
Lachlan sighs heavily. “Fine. Let’s hear your hundred ways.”
“I could come here on the weekends. You could come visit me. Rose would love New York—there’s so much to do and see. ”
“And when she has cheer? Or soccer? Or she has a birthday party that weekend and we’re unable to make it work?”
I shrug. “Then we figure it out.”
“Ainsley, you make it sound easy. New York is like eight hours from here.”
“It can be easy! I love you. I’ve loved you my whole damn life, Lachlan. Now I know what it’s like to have you, and I don’t want to give it up. Why are you so okay with this?”
“Okay with this? You think I’m okay with this? God, you can’t be more wrong. I’m not okay. I’m fucking dying inside at the idea of you leaving tomorrow. Of not holding you, kissing you, taking you to these goddamn falls, which you’ve ruined for me now. I’ll never be able to come here without thinking of you.”
“You’ve ruined me, so we’re even!” He pinches the bridge of his nose, and I continue. “You love me and yet you’ll let me go?”
Lachlan’s sigh is weighted with a heaviness I can feel around me. “I’ve seen what happens when you hold on to a woman who is meant to fly.”
I shake my head. “I’m not every other woman in your life.”
“You forget that it was you who walked away four years ago. Not even walked, you ran. You got in your car without a word and then wouldn’t talk to me. I called you and not even a text back. So, no, you’re not every other woman. They hurt me—you’d destroy me.”
It’s as though he’s punched a hole in my chest. “I never meant to hurt you. I couldn’t ...” I let out a shaky breath. “When you said it was a mistake, when you looked at me like I was the last thing in the world you wanted, I couldn’t handle it.”
“That wasn’t what happened.”
“In my eyes it was. I was young and stupid and embarrassed more than anything. In the beginning, it was self-preservation to stay away from you, because I didn’t know what to say or even if you wanted to talk to me. Then it became feeling stupid for staying away and cutting you off.”
When I say it aloud now, it all seems so freaking stupid. I should’ve answered his calls or messages, but I didn’t think I could say anything to make the pain in my heart disappear. I never wanted us to be a mistake. I never even thought there would be a Lachlan and me, let alone have it happen that night, in that way.
“I was drunk, Ainsley.”
“I know that, which made it even worse for me.”
“Why?” he asks with a tinge of frustration in his voice.
I sigh, hating that we have to talk about this, but knowing it’s long overdue. “I wasn’t even sure if you’d remember it.”
“I remember every single second of that kiss, of how you felt in my arms, of your scent, your touch, your warmth.” He takes my hand in his. “Then you left.”
I hate myself for hurting him. I hate that I did exactly the same thing he has had happen to him repeatedly.
“I did,” I say softly. “I didn’t even think about anything else. I’m sorry.”
“Look, I know we’re not the same people. I can understand what happened, get past it, but I have a life here with Rose. She loves her home, her friends, and the life we’ve built here. I can’t make her give that up. Just the same as I can’t ask you to give your life up. It’s why I said we needed rules around this.”
Tears form and my heart is breaking into a million pieces. Yes, I knew this was going to be the outcome, but God, I hoped for something more.
“I would never ask you to leave here.”
“And you’re going to move? You’re going to walk away from your job?”
“I don’t know. I could. I would for you.”
He smiles and wipes away the tear that trickles down my face. “Oh, sweetheart, I wouldn’t let you. Loving you means wanting you to be happy, giving you more than you give up. I know all about letting go of dreams. I know what it feels like when you walk away, always looking over your shoulder.”
“You said you were happy that you left football.” I turn my face and wipe away another tear .
Maybe he didn’t say he was happy, but he didn’t regret it. I could do the same. I can write from anywhere. Even if I have to burn through my savings, at least I’d have Lachlan.
“I was never happy. I loved the game. I was good at the game. I could’ve made it in that league. I know it. When I walked away, I did it because I knew I had to for my daughter. It wasn’t because I was done with football. It still lives in me like a dull ache. It’s why I found Frisbee, which may sound ridiculous, but I’m on that field. No, I don’t have cleats on. No, I’m not lining up with a football in my hand, feeling the rush of the play that’s coming. I still touch the grass, though. I still line up with my team as we start a play. It’s all there, in a different way. So I don’t regret it, but I miss it. Every day. That doesn’t go away when you love something. I can’t watch you feel the same. Not for me. I’m a grown-ass man. I’m not a child who needs a choice to be made for them.”
I want to argue with him, but the finality in his tone tells me that he won’t be persuaded. I’ve spent most of my life wanting him, this, and now I’ve had a small sample and have to walk away.
This is a heartbreak that I will never recover from.
I stare down at our entwined hands, tears falling as the ensuing pain starts to bubble. It’s like knowing you’re going to be in a crash and bracing for impact.
“You don’t get to decide that for me. I’m not a child either.”
He sits up, rubbing his face before looking at me. “I do, though. Do you know why?” he asks but answers before I can. “Because I watched what happens to women who give up their dreams. I’ve lived through it. I’ve seen my mother go from this vibrant woman to a shell of a human.”
“I’m not your mother,” I remind him. “I’m not giving up a dream, I’m gaining one.”
“I’m not your dreams, sweetheart. I was there throughout your entire life as you talked about writing and telling people’s stories. I know what your dreams are, Ainsley, better than I know my own.”
But he is. He’s part of it. “So what? I give you up for a job ? For something that is going to leave me broken anyway? What about what I want, Lachlan? What about the fact that I choose you, damn it!” I press my hand to his chest. “I choose you. I choose to walk away from a job that doesn’t fulfill me even a part of the way that these last few weeks have.”
He gets to his feet, grabbing for his pants. “You want this life, Ainsley? You want to be a fireman’s wife? Raising Rose, dealing with small-town meetings and carnivals? You’re going to be okay giving up the glamour of the city? What happens when the people you work with start covering national headlines? What about all the money, time, and energy you’ve put into becoming a reporter? Have you thought about all of that?”
He’s now dressed, and I’m still sitting on the blanket, naked. Never have I felt more exposed before.
I hesitate because I’ve thought about it, but not fully reconciled it.
“It’s my decision to make,” I tell him.
A deep sigh falls from his lips. “You’ll regret it. Every day I’ll have to look into your eyes and watch that fire dim.” He moves to me, taking my face tenderly in his hands. “It’ll kill me. It’ll make me the man I’ve spent my entire life working not to be. I’ll be my father. Putting my wants and needs before the woman I love. I’ll have to see this incredible woman wither away until she just gives up.”
My jaw trembles as a tear trickles down my face. Nothing I say here will change the way he thinks. It’s going to take me leaving and coming back to prove to him how I feel. “Why don’t you trust me?”
That causes him to jerk back. “I do trust you.”
“No, if you did, you’d hear what I’m saying.”
“Ainsley . . .”
I let out a heavy breath, not wanting to waste tonight. “Let’s just go back and spend tonight together, okay?”
He nods. “If that’s what you want.”
I want to bite back with “Now you care about what I want?” But I don’t. I’ve known him practically my whole life, and he’s a stubborn ass.
If he thinks this is the only way, well, I’ll just have to prove there’s always another option. And if he still doesn’t want to hear it, I’ll just call Caspian, and he’ll kick his ass.