Chapter 11 #2
Her neutral expression was unnerving, but I remembered she did this for a living, and this was probably just another Wednesday for her.
I swallowed, flicking my gaze back to the pillow in my lap.
“I don’t know. Both?”
She took a deep breath and crossed her ankles.
“This is avoidance again. You’re avoiding dealing with your feelings because you think that it will somehow protect you.
But I think you’ll find that you are more than capable of handling challenging emotions, handle them well enough to not think suicide is the answer to a temporary feeling. ”
I couldn’t even go a few hours without harming myself this past week. She was grossly overestimating my ability to cope with any amount of emotions.
“Alright, let’s put a pin in this topic.
It’s clear you’re still unsure about what to do regarding speaking to Enoch, and that’s perfectly fine.
There is no deadline here, Emory. You have the time to keep considering this.
But for now, is there anything else you want to talk about today?
We’ve got some more time left in our session. ”
There was a deadline though. I was on my last life.
I was committed to that number, seven, and I refused to go past it.
Only, I didn’t know when it was going to end unless I took matters into my own hands.
So, really, how much time did I have to find the courage to confess?
When at any moment someone could come after me and hurt me? Or worse, hurt my friends to get to me?
“No,” I sighed, tossed the pillow into the other corner of the couch as I sat upright.
“Alright then, Emory. Should we schedule for next week?”
I contemplated. I never actually left her office feeling any better than I did when I walked in, if anything, I felt worse.
But it wasn’t like I had anyone else to talk to about this shit.
Not when I was still obligated, despite ending my contract, to continue using my new identity and not to release any information to the public regarding my time in WITSEC.
And she was the one who got me out of WITSEC.
Maybe it was worth coming to see her, just until I got through this shit with Enoch.
“Sure. Same time works for me.”
If I’m still here.
She nodded with a smile and stood from her chair.
Sarah opened the door for me, and I trudged past with a wave over my shoulder as I walked out.
The drive home took longer than I wanted it to, although I wasn’t mad about the additional time spent screaming along to my favorite songs.
I parked in the garage, gave polite smiles to the residents that greeted me in passing, and finally made it up to my apartment.
I dropped my bag onto the floor and slipped out of my shoes.
I landed face first on the sofa, the energy to get up and cook myself dinner long past spent. When I was sure I was about to suffocate, I finally rolled over and pulled my phone out of my pocket.
An involuntary smile formed on my lips at the text notifications waiting for me.
Enoch: So this is the state of the guest bathroom.
I gaped at the image he’d sent. There was nothing left of the bathroom but a hole in the floor where the toilet once was and the shower. I zoomed in, and realized the shower was missing the tub faucet and showerhead.
Enoch: I might have gotten carried away during demo.
Enoch: Any chance you want to go to the hardware store with me right now and pick out some new fixtures?
I glanced at the time passed since he sent that text. Thirty minutes.
I hope you’re having fun at the store.
I watched the delivered notification blip to seen. My heart skipped a beat, and I waited for him to reply.
Enoch: Was just about to leave my house actually. You busy now?
My foot shook with nerves as I stared at his message. My therapist was right. I needed to fucking grow a pair. Hanging out with him right now was only going to make it harder to confess.
I just got home and was about to make some dinner.
Enoch: I can feed you something.
Enoch: Food.
Enoch: That wasn’t meant to sound sexual.
Enoch: Sorry. You probably knew what I meant and I just made this weird.
I laughed aloud and shook my head to myself. Why did he have to be so fucking adorable? It wasn’t fair.
Enoch: Offer still stands though. About the food. We can pick something up while we’re out.
Enoch: Say yes. I miss you. I want to hear about your day. And eat food with you. And look at toilets and sinks at Home Depot.
I snorted.
How romantic.
Oh shit! Why did I say that? It’s not a fucking date.
Enoch: Send me your address and I’ll pick you up.
I sighed, kicking my feet against the couch in frustration.
It’s fine. It’s for one night. I’ll help him pick out bathroom fixtures. It’s not a big deal. It’s not serious.
I texted him my address and pressed send before I could change my mind. I quickly hopped off the couch, looking down at my leggings and old t-shirt.
I spent about ten minutes just staring at the clothes in my closet.
What the hell does one wear to a non-date date to the hardware store?
Hell, I’m pathetic.
It’s Enoch, Shiloh. Get over yourself.
He’s already seen you in the least attractive clothing ever.
Anything is a step above Javier’s baggy clothes.
I finally grabbed a pair of black cargo pants and an old Vans t-shirt that I took from Cole and never returned.
I layered it with a fitted long-sleeve so my crusty road rash wasn’t on display.
I took my hair out of my braids and tried to tame some of the frizz with serum.
I sighed and flicked off the lights in my bedroom.
It’d have to do. I wasn’t about to change again and just as I was lacing up my sneakers my phone began to ring.
“Hello?”
“I’m outside. I pulled up into the little circle drive by the main doors. Some old man is out here smoking a cigar in a beach chair and staring at me like he’s going to call the cops.”
I laughed and grabbed my bag. “That’s Earl. He’s harmless. I’ll be down in a minute.”
I quickly locked up, and my stomach flipped when I realized how close I was to seeing him again.
It’d been three days and I was feeling giddy.
I tried to force the smile away, but I couldn’t wipe it off my damn face.
I shouldn’t be giving him the wrong impression, shouldn’t be making him think that I was going to put effort into building a relationship, that I was going to mean something to him.
I passed Earl by the entrance, and he gave me a once over.
“Date?”
I nodded, not really interested in telling him any details. He was a nosy fucker. Everyone in the building was. I guessed it was an epidemic among the over-65 crowd seeing as that was the population of my entire building aside from me.
“You got pepper spray?”
I jangled my keys to show him the bottle of mace on my key ring.
“Good.”
I quickened my pace and opened the passenger door. The smell of Enoch’s cologne and the sound of an unfamiliar folk song greeted me.
“Hi!” He beamed up at me and my stomach flipped again.
I blamed my smile on mirror neurons as I slid into the passenger seat.
“Hi.”
There was a pause where he just stared at me and then he cleared his throat, leaning back into his own seat.
“So, food. Anything in particular sound good?”
“Um,” I mentally filtered through the options for fast-food nearby. “You going to the Home Depot by the Costco, or up by your place?”
“Whichever.”
“Uh, there’s pretty much every fast-food chain by the Costco one. I’ll eat whatever you want.”
He raised a brow at me.
“What?”
He chuckled, shaking his head. “Do you want me to pick? Or are you just saying that because you’re worried about being inconvenient if you choose something I don’t like?”
I clicked my seatbelt in and shrugged. “Honestly, you can just choose. I’m not a picky eater.”
He eyed me but nodded. “Alright. QDOBA sound good?”
“Sure. Sounds great.”
He narrowed his eyes like he wasn’t sure that I was being truthful but ultimately put the car in drive and got on the road.
The acoustic music took me back to the days when Enoch would drive us home from school and I couldn’t help the nostalgia making my chest feel heavy.
“So, I guess you upgraded from your mom’s old car?” I asked, breaking the silence we were sitting in.
His mouth thinned and nodded, keeping his eyes on the road while he responded. “Yeah. At least this one was made in the last decade,” he chuckled softly.
“So, tell me more about you. I want to know everything I’ve missed.”
Enoch chewed his bottom lip, glancing at me for a moment before blowing out a breath. “Well, after you were gone, um, I didn’t exactly handle the grieving process well.”
Fuck. Just shut up and take it. You put him through hell. The least you can do is listen to him, Shiloh.
“I was failing all of my classes, was definitely severely depressed. Um…but after some tough love from my family I got my ass into gear. I focused on getting the hell out of town. I didn’t want to be there.
Everything reminded me of you. And my family felt suffocating with how much they were worried about me.
” He winced and shook his head. “I know they meant well, and I’m eternally grateful for their support, but at the time I just needed to get out.
And, uh, I managed to graduate and leave for basic training. ”
He paused, looking over at me and I nodded for him to continue.
It was difficult, hearing how much my suicide had hurt him, how much he struggled.
But I needed the reminder, one of the million reasons I’d use in the near future when I questioned why I ever gave him up, and why I was ending my life before I could hurt anyone else.