Chapter 11 #3
“Uh, basic was hell,” he laughed, like if he didn’t it would be too sad to admit.
“But I made it through and went on to tech school and then to my first base in Florida. I was kind of an idiot. I mean, I was nineteen and, well, an idiot. I made a lot of dumbass decisions. A lot. But…I dunno,” he shrugged, “last year something finally clicked. I needed to grow up. So, I did. And I’ve been doing really well.
I promoted and reenlisted and got my top choice base, here, and then I found you. ”
He pulled into an empty spot in the parking lot before shutting the car off and turning to face me. He was smiling at me, and I was relieved to hear that he was doing so well.
“I’m so thankful that even through all the bullshit, I somehow managed to end up right here,” he said.
Fuck me. Damn it. This is too hard. Hell, his fucking eyes. Why does he have to look at me like I mean something to him?
Great, now I’m fucking anxiety sweating. Did I put on deodorant?
Shit, he’s waiting for me to say something.
“Yeah. Me too.”
Fuck, why did I just say that? Now he’s going to think I want something deep.
He smiled, reached out and gave my arm a gently squeeze before pulling back. “Food?”
I sighed, trying to dispel all the anxious energy flowing through me. “Yeah.”
I thought it might have been awkward eating in silence, but, like it did in the past, the silence between us seemed natural as we both focused on eating for the better part of the meal. I was mostly done with my burrito by the time I sat back and really looked at him.
Of course, the shitbird was already looking at me.
“What?” I asked.
He tilted his head, his eyes roaming over me for a moment.
“You cut your hair.”
“What?” I automatically felt the ends of my hair at my waist, searching for a missing chunk.
He chuckled and shook his head. “I just mean, you must have conquered your fear, because your hair is a little shorter than when I last saw you.”
The food in my stomach suddenly felt like cement.
“Um, yeah. I cut it a while back.”
I blamed it on the lack of sleep and the overwhelming amount of anxiety I was feeling about my impending wedding in less than five hours now, but I found myself crying as I watched Elder Theo, my eminent husband, belt Natasha.
I wanted to be angry with her, wanted to feel like her punishment was some sort of vindication for how she’d treated me the last six weeks, at the very least for cutting my hair in my sleep, but all I felt was guilty.
Like I shouldn’t have been witnessing this.
Like I was the one who should be receiving the belting despite not having done anything wrong.
My fingers absently ran through my hair, and with every missing chunk I found, another tear fell, until my eyes swelled shut and I was left with the snap of the belt on her backside and the whimper that left Natasha's mouth.
I loud sigh escaped Theo. “You are forgiven,” he muttered.
I heard the soft cries from Natasha fade as she must have left the room. I knew Theo’s attention had turned to me when he suddenly gasped and his hands cradled my face.
“My love, what’s happened?” he rushed out.
“N-nothing, Elder Theo. It’s just my…my eyes. They react this way when I cry.”
Theo sighed and I could hear the sadness in it. “My love, you’re hurting my heart to see you like this. How can I fix it?”
“Some ice? Please?” I whispered.
“Yes, of course,” he said, dropping his hands from my face to wrap an arm around my shoulders. He led me to a chair and helped me get seated.
“I’ll be right back,” he said softly, kissing the top of my head before he left.
There was an extra set of footsteps when he returned.
“I’ve brought Mrs. Nortuck,” he announced, as he handed me a towel wrapped in ice. “She’s going to fix your hair.”
He hummed sadly as his hand swept down my head, clutching softly at the short hairs.
“You’re still beautiful, my love. Don’t let this ruin our special day. I’ll leave you to get sorted, and I will see you at the church soon. I’m looking forward to seeing your new haircut on your angelic face.”
My stomach tightened with nerves and I nodded, “Thank you.”
There was another moment of silence before I heard him retreat and Mrs. Nortuck clapped her hands, making me jump.
“Well, let’s get this done, shall we?”
She came to stand behind me, and she finger-combed through my hair.
“Oh,” she said with surprise. “That’s…well…No matter. We will do our best to keep as much length as we can. Maybe…maybe we can put in some layers to disguise the shorter pieces.”
She didn’t sound very confident and I swallowed past the lump in my throat as I brought the ice to my ice.
“Just get it over with, please,” I whispered.
I focused on counting in multiples of three as the sound of snipping filled the empty kitchen, trying to keep my breathing steady.
You’re okay. You’re okay. It’s just hair. It’ll grow back.
I startled at the hand that had clamped down around mine and I blinked away the memory, eyes bouncing around the restaurant while I tried to calm down my racing heart.
I hadn’t thought about that day, about waking up with a scream as Natasha held up a large chunk of my hair, more chunks covering my pillow and sheets.
About Theo arriving to dole out her punishment.
About sitting in the warm kitchen while Mrs. Nortuck cut ten inches off my hair as she attempted to salvage the butchering Natasha had given my once long hair.
“Emory?” Enoch called with concern, and I swung my gaze back to him.
“Hmm?” I blinked, taking in his furrowed brow and the way he was leaning over the table to hold onto my hand.
“You okay? You spaced out for a second there.”
I blinked again, looking down at his hand before nodding. I pulled my hand back, dropping both into my lap as I clutched my hands into tight fists.
“Yes. Forgive me for spacing out. That was inconsiderate of me.”
Enoch slowly sat back in his seat, keeping his eyes on me with a skeptical look. “No need to be sorry.”
I nearly threw up the burrito, right there all over the sticky table.
Sorry. Fucking pisshead dick weasels. I hate them.
I hate them. I hate them. I hate them. Three fucking years and I still can’t say it.
Fuck. I hate them. I mentally flipped off the image of Elder Sam’s wrinkled face and grimaced.
I grabbed my water and forced myself to swallow it back.
It was fucking awkward now, and I desperately wanted to rewind two minutes and not have had a flashback.
“Um, should we head out?” I asked after I looked down and found his plate empty.
Enoch cleared his throat and reached for my plate, “Sounds good.”
◆◆◆
We were only supposed to be dropping off the trailer and then Enoch was going to drop me off at home, but I had to pee.
So, while he unhooked the trailer he had rented and filled with all the necessities to renovate the guest bathroom, I went inside to use his en-suite bathroom.
It was dark and quiet in the house, and I assumed Jae wasn’t home and relaxed as I climbed the stairs to the main level.
I instinctively flicked the lights on as I went, my mind conjuring up figures lurking in the shadows of the rooms as I passed through them.
I finally made it to his bedroom, and I couldn’t help but stand still and breathe in his scent.
After taking care of business in his bathroom, I scanned the clean space, my eyes catching on his cologne on the counter.
It would have been weird if I sprayed my clothing with it, but the urge was there.
I shook my head at myself and switched off the lights as I made my way back into the house.
“What were you doing in Nox’s room?”
I nearly screamed, my hand flying to my chest as I tried to soothe the pounding organ threatening to give out.
“Fuck, Jae. You scared me. I didn’t know you were home.”
He narrowed his eyes, moving closer to me from where he was stopped at the top of the stairs.
“What are you doing up here alone?” he asked, his stare hard.
I sighed and rolled my eyes, “I had to pee.”
He didn’t look convinced and flicked his gaze back down the stairs. “I don’t know what you think you’re doing here with Nox, but whatever it is, it needs to stop. Now.”
I blinked, not surprised he still hated my guts, but no less hurt by his words.
“You think I’m going to hurt him?” I asked softly, my arms wrapping around myself.
“I don’t think, I know you will hurt him. Again. You need to leave before that happens. Don’t screw up his life any more than you already have.”
I stared at him, watching his hands flex at his sides, like he was trying to control his temper.
“What do you mean I screwed up his life? He seems to be doing really well to me.”
“Yeah, thanks to me. If he hadn’t called me from the hospital last year, he’d probably be dead right now, or in prison.”
My eyes widened of their own accord, unable to contain my surprise and confusion.
“You’re gonna need to be a little more specific than that.”
Jae scoffed with annoyance. “See? He can’t even be honest with you about what you did because he’s still so fucking hung up on you.”
“I don’t understand. What do you mean he was in the hospital?”
“When you died, Nox went off the deep end. Pushed everyone away. Went he left for basic, he didn’t come home.
Like, ever again. Despite my best efforts, I hadn’t really spoken to him in years.
And it wasn’t until he called me crying from a hospital bed last summer that he finally told me everything.
About how he was spending most nights of the week blacked out, how he could barely function without drinking during the workday. ”
My stomach dropped.
“He was concussed and in the hospital because he was in a car accident. Thank God he wasn’t the one driving, but the driver was severely intoxicated as well.
Nox’s lucky he wasn’t arrested. He’s lucky his leadership pushed him into getting sober and put him through a program.
And all of that shit, it all started when you committed suicide and left us with those fucking voicemails. ”
No. He said he got his shit together and left for the military. He said he made some immature decisions, not…became an alcoholic.
“I wished you never said goodbye. Those fucking voicemails, Shiloh.” He paused, shaking his head.
“He’s newly sober. Not even a year. But he was doing so good.
And then you had to show up…He doesn’t need you.
You’re toxic, a fucking cancer. You broke him.
You broke me. You broke our family. And nothing you say or do is going to change that fact.
You want him to believe that you were this victim, that you weren’t just using him, but I see right through you.
And I swear to God, if you don’t walk away from him now before he gets in too deep, you will regret it. ”
My heart raced and I was frozen, just staring at the man I once called a friend, that I once loved, that once loved me back. The vitriol made my already bleeding heart damn near cease beating.
I ruined their lives. No wonder Jae hates me.
I really did ruin Enoch’s life. I don’t deserve him. I don’t deserve to put him through hell again. If I cause him to relapse…If I—
“Emory?”
Enoch’s voice echoed up the stairs, and I blinked out of my racing thoughts.
“Coming!”
Jae gave me a hardened glare, and I nodded at him, silently letting him know that I understood. That I would leave. That I would make things right. That I wouldn’t be the cause of their hurt.
All my fears, all my fucking obsessive thoughts and worries, were coming true. This was a fucking mistake. I should have given him a quick explanation and told him to move on.
I shouldn’t have stayed. I. Shouldn’t. Have. Stayed.
I walked down the stairs, my head swimming with grief, anger, fear. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to him, but that was what needed to happen. I wasn’t a good person, but I could be good to him. I could do this for him. I would do this for him.
I wasn’t going to be weak. Never again.
My selfishness wasn’t going to control me this time. I would walk away. A clean break. And he would continue to live a life that was going in a positive direction, while I finally gave in and gave up.
I forced a smile when Enoch’s gaze met mine halfway down the stairs and nodded when he asked if everything was all right.
No. It wasn’t. But I was beginning to believe that it never really would be. Not for me.