Chapter 16
Sixteen
Enoch
I watched Shiloh drive away in her little sedan and got into my car with every intention of driving home.
But as I sat down and my keys fell into my lap, I stared blankly at the trees lining the road in front of my car.
As the events of the last twenty-four-plus hours played on a reel in my mind, an inexplicable urge to laugh had me chuckling into the silence of my vehicle.
Shiloh’s attempt to break things off.
Finding her walking alone on the road and the sinking feeling that she was trying to leave for good.
Jae’s confession of my past.
Shiloh’s description of the hell she had to go through. The rapes, plural, because seven men raped her.
Fuck. My laughter turned to sobs.
Taking that man’s life in order to save her own life, and the life of another child they were going to put in her place.
The panic attack last night after I rubbed her shoulder.
The gun this afternoon. The gun she needed because she would always live in fear of someone else hurting her.
The gun I was worried she might try and use to hurt herself.
The way she said she hated me when I could see how much she didn’t mean it.
The way every cell in body was screaming at me not to leave her alone, not to let her out of my sight, for fear that I might be burying her body for a second time.
I choked on air, struggling to breathe. My hand fumbled with the door until I pushed it open. I climbed out of the car, landing on my knees on the pavement.
Everything felt too much. No one was made to deal with so much suffering, and I realized I was astronomically unequipped to handle all of the truths she had yet to share. For the first time in months I longed for numbness. I longed for an escape. I longed for a drink.
That realization had me punching the side of my car in an impulse of rage. Pain lanced up through my hand and up my wrist. Fuck. I cradled my hand to my chest and fell back on my ass.
I flexed my fist, feeling the rage consume me.
Rage that I was falling apart when I didn’t want to be.
Rage that I couldn’t go back in time and save Shiloh.
Rage that I would never be able to take away her pain or fix everything.
Rage that I wasn’t capable of handling my own shit.
Rage that Shiloh might never feel safe again.
Rage that she was forced to hide herself and that I would have to hide with her.
That urge. That urge to disappear into a bottle was excruciating.
God. Please. Make it stop.
I managed to suck in a deep breath, and, in a moment of clarity, I pulled my phone from the pocket of my jeans. I unlocked the phone and dialed the one person who would understand exactly how I was feeling.
I balanced the phone between my shoulder and ear, wiping at my face while I prayed for him to pick up.
If he doesn’t pick up it’s a sign that I don’t need him.
I shook the thought away. Stop. You’re not drinking, Nox. If he doesn’t answer you get up off your ass and you find yourself a meeting.
“Hey,” Rick called. “What’s up?”
I sniffled and cleared my throat, the shame creeping in, urging me to hang up the damn phone. “I really want a fucking drink.”
Rick breathed down the line, and I tensed for his response. “Okay, Nox. Are you alone?”
“Yeah,” I sniffled again, trying to get the crying under control. There was a pause of silence, and I scratched my nails against the pavement, small loose rocks jutting into my skin.
“Alright. I see you’re at an apartment building, right? Are you at a party?”
“No. I’m just parked on the street. I’m alone.
I don’t have any alcohol here. I just…” I laughed at myself, at how fucking pathetic I felt.
“Fuck. I didn’t think this would happen to me.
I was good. I hadn’t even thought about it in months.
” I slammed my palm against the side of my car in frustration.
“You dragged me to five meetings last week and I didn’t feel a damn thing. ”
“I’ve got your location pulled up. I’ll be there in ten minutes. Listen, thinking about it doesn’t mean you’re going to do it, Nox. This is a win. You called me. You didn’t give in.”
“I know. I know,” I paused, taking a deep breath of cool air, grateful to at least no longer be crying.
I waited until my thoughts stopped swirling, finally breaking the silence, “I just thought…I dunno what I thought. I guess, that I wouldn’t have to deal with temptation like this. I didn’t think I’d want it so badly.”
“Recovery isn’t linear, Nox. Some days are going to be harder than others. It doesn’t mean you’re sliding backwards. Put me on speaker and pull up your list on your phone.”
I sighed, doing as he said and pulling up my notes app where I kept my list of reasons for getting sober.
“Alright, I got it up.”
“Good, now read it out loud.”
I closed my eyes, taking a moment to release the shame bubbling up inside of me.
“One, I don’t want to die. Two, drinking won’t change the past. Three, I’m an asshole when I drink. Four, I want to be trustworthy. Five, I want to have meaningful relationships. Six, I want to be happy. Seven, I don’t want to throw away my career. Eight, I don’t want to let my family down.”
There was a beat of silence, and I blew out another deep breath, wiping my nose on my sleeve.
“Fuck, man.”
“I know,” he said with sympathy. “I know. You made it through yesterday and you’ll make it through today. One minute at a time until today is done.”
My head tipped up at the sound of a vehicle approaching and I used my car door to pull myself to stand. I dusted off my jeans. Rick gave me a head nod as he parked beside me. He climbed down from his pickup and immediately pulled me into a hug.
I fought like hell to keep the tears from returning as I allowed him to give me a moment of comfort.
Rick pulled away, his hand resting on my shoulder as he stared into my eyes.
I wondered for a moment where he had been, what I’d interrupted by calling him.
He was dressed casually, a pair of boardshorts and an American flag t-shirt.
He smelled like a campfire, and I assumed he must have been at some Fourth of July celebration.
I felt guilty for pulling him away from his family and the shame had me clearing my throat.
“There’s a meeting in thirty minutes. Let’s get a soda and we can talk or keep you distracted until then, alright?”
I nodded and he patted me on the shoulder. He motioned for me to get into his truck, so I grabbed my keys from my car and locked up. I climbed into the passenger seat, immediately noticing the strong smell of his car air freshener.
“There’s a McDonald’s right around the corner.”
I nodded, leaning my arm against the door as I rubbed my temples. Fuck, Jae was right. How the hell am I going to face him tonight?
“Hey!” Rick startled me from my thoughts. “Don’t get stuck in your head. What are you thinking about?”
I cracked my knuckles anxiously, trying to distract myself. I kept my attention on the road as I spoke. “Thinking about how Jae was right to be worried about me. I feel like I failed. And I’m embarrassed.”
“Even Jesus was tempted. But guess what?”
I looked over at Rick with a shrug. “What?”
“He didn’t give in. And neither did you. Being tempted doesn’t mean you failed. It means you're human.”
I rubbed my face with a sigh. “It still feels shitty.”
“Yeah. It does,” he agreed with a nod. “But let’s try and focus on something good. What’s one good thing that happened today?”
Rick pulled into the drive-thru of the McDonald’s and before I had a chance to respond he asked me what I wanted.
“Just a Sprite. Thanks.”
He nodded and then motioned for me to speak.
“Church was good.”
“Yeah. Anything else good today?”
I closed my eyes, trying to block out the storm raging in my head. All the guilt, all the hurt, all the sick feelings of regret and sympathy. No, sympathy didn’t even begin to cover how I felt for Shiloh. My heart was breaking for her.
Rick patted my hand comfortingly as he rolled his window down. He ordered two sodas and a large fry and pulled through to the window to pay. He didn’t speak again until we had our drinks and were parked in the lot of where the meeting was being held. It was the same place I’d been to last week.
“So, you wanna talk about what had you reaching for a drink?”
I shook my head. There was no way to talk to him about it without revealing any of Shiloh’s secrets.
“Then tell me about the bathroom. You said that’s your latest project, right?”
“Yeah, yeah. I gutted it last week and Ford is coming over tomorrow to help me put in the new fixtures.”
“I gotta hand it to you, Nox. I do not have the patience for all that DIY crap. Although, taking a sledgehammer to some stuff does sound pretty fun.”
I chuckled half-heartedly. “I’ll be sure to give you a call next time I’m planning to demo anything. You can do all the hard work for me.”
Rick laughed, popping some fries into his mouth. “I’m not as young as you, kid. I don’t think I have the stamina to do all that hard labor.”
I shook my head, eyeing the gray sprinkled throughout his head of buzzed black hair. If it weren’t for the gray hairs, I’d guess that Rick was as young as thirty or thirty-five.
“Shut up. You’re only forty-something, right?”
Rick rolled his eyes, “Almost fifty. My kids keep reminding me. Keep saying they’ll have to buy me a walker for Christmas this year.”
I smiled at the mention of his kids. Rick reminded me so much of my own dad, and my heart panged at the thought of keeping so much from them. I missed my family. My parents. My sisters. My niece and nephew. I hated that I had pushed them all away, that I’d put so much distance between us.