Chapter 16 #2
I sometimes questioned whether joining the Air Force was the best thing when it removed me from my family, removed me from experiencing all the little milestones that occur when a family grows.
I’d missed my little sister’s early teens.
I’d missed helping them through their cross-country move back East. I’d missed seeing Ruthie grow up, missed the birth of my nephew.
Four years and some change, and I’d missed all of it with them.
But if I hadn’t gone through the last four years in the Air Force, I wouldn’t have ended up here in Anchorage. I wouldn’t have reconnected with God in the way that I had now. I wouldn’t have run into Shiloh.
Rick snapped me out of my thoughts once again. “Alright, enough of that overthinking. Let’s say a prayer and head in.”
I nodded, putting my hand in his upturned palm on the console, and closed my eyes.
“Father, we thank you for giving Nox the courage to seek help. Please give Nox the strength to continue to fight this temptation, let him feel the peace that you can offer him as he makes it through the night. And help him to let go of his shame so that he can see the victory in staying sober another day. In Jesus’ name, Amen. ”
God, give me strength to resist. I don’t want to fail. I don’t want to relapse. I want to stay sober.
“Amen.”
I pulled my hand back and grabbed my drink from the console.
Rick waited for me at the entrance before following me inside the building.
The familiar smell of instant coffee and old linoleum permeated my senses as I tried to focus on the present.
Every minute that passed was another minute I stayed sober and eventually the urge would completely pass.
I knew it would because it had before. And I wasn’t alone.
Not in the room full of people who knew exactly what I was going through.
And not when I had God helping me to overcome the temptation.
July 4, Saturday
Emory
The sun was reflecting off of my phone screen, and I winced as it burned my eyes. Fucking hell.
I moved my phone down from the stand that I had suctioned to the windshield and placed it in the cupholder.
The last thing I needed was to have an allergic reaction while I was driving.
Unfortunately, I had no fucking clue where I was going, and not being able to read the street signs meant that I relied entirely on my phone’s navigation.
I’d never been to Big Lake, but I knew it was a popular spot for summer boating and fishing.
It was about an hour away from Anchorage and I wasn’t looking forward to having to drive back home tonight.
I reminded myself that I was here to spend time with my friends and not draw attention to myself by isolating.
It was also a good distraction from the ticking time bomb in the back of my mind of when Enoch would finally wake up and decide I wasn’t worth his time.
I wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe that he didn’t think I was a bad person.
I wanted to believe that he still loved me. I wanted to believe that he forgave me.
But there was only so much one person could forgive, and the rest of my secrets would only break the levy. My music abruptly paused again.
“At the roundabout, take the third exit for South Big Lake Road,” My phone blared out, the speaker distorted by the cupholder.
“Continue for 1.6 miles. Your destination is on your right.”
I replaced my phone in the windshield stand, the sun no longer causing a glare. I kept my eyes peeled for a sign indicating the boat launch where I was to meet my friends. I slowed down as my position on the map crept closer to my destination and my shoulders relaxed when I spotted the sign.
I turned into the gravel drive, the blue lake water visible at the end of the lot.
I carefully maneuvered around the packed lot full of empty boat trailers, small campers, and parked vehicles.
I noticed the toll booth but couldn’t make out what the fee was to park.
I sighed, focusing on finding a parking spot.
I managed to squeeze into a space parked beneath some trees.
I pulled up Lottie’s contact and put my phone between my ear and shoulder as I collected my things from the front seat.
“Hey! You here?”
“Yeah. Just parked at the coordinates you sent me. I have no idea how I’m supposed to get on the boat from here but…I’m here.”
Lottie chuckled, the wind crackling through the speaker, “We’ll pull up to the little dock. Baby, how many minutes to reach the dock?”
I heard Mason’s muffled response before Lottie repeated, “Five minutes. Just wait on the dock. We’ll see you soon!”
The excitement in her voice made me almost smile as I stepped out of my car and locked it. It was warm as I crossed the sunny gravel lot, and I was hoping with the wind on the boat, I wouldn’t regret wearing so many layers. I kept my jacket folded over my arm and slung my bag over my shoulder.
The small campsite that I walked through after paying the parking toll was busy with loud music and the smell of food grilling.
I was happy that at least out on the boat it wouldn’t be too loud or overwhelming.
My stomach was filled with nervous butterflies.
I didn’t know how to swim and being on a boat on a large body of water sounded like an easy way to drown.
I wasn’t too keen on dying today, even though the thought usually crossed my mind on the daily.
But death by drowning sounded horrifying, and not just for me, but for everyone who had to witness it.
I stood on the wooden dock, keeping to the area closest to land as I watched a family disembark a boat.
I gave a polite smile to them as they passed by me.
I scanned the waters, looking for any signs of my friends.
Several minutes passed before I saw them.
A chuckle escaped me as Cole stood waving his hands like a goof to greet meet.
“You came!” Lottie squealed as the boat slowed to a stop at the edge of the dock. The sound of pop music playing through a speaker system on the boat played softly in the background. I smiled, trying not to seem too scared as I stepped closer to their boat.
“Yep! I’m here,” I muttered, giving everyone a wave. Hannah, Cole, Lottie, and Mason were all smiling at me, and I tried to shake off any negative energy. I didn’t want them to be concerned or ask questions.
Cole pushed to the edge of the boat, leaning over and holding his hand out to me. I eyed the way the boat swayed with the movements of the water and swallowed.
I gripped Cole’s hand tightly and didn’t mind when he held me by the elbow to lower me into the boat. Lottie pulled me into a hug, the smell of her perfume and sunscreen surrounding me.
She held on for maybe longer than necessary and I gently patted her exposed shoulder, “Okay. You just saw me two days ago.”
Lottie chuckled. “Shut up,” she scolded as she finally released me.
“Here,” Mason said, holding out a lifejacket for me to wear.
I noticed everyone was wearing significantly less clothing than I was, and only one person was wearing a life jacket.
The boys were in swim shorts, Mason in a t-shirt and Cole shirtless beneath his life jacket, all of his upper body tattoos exposed.
Hannah and Lottie were both wearing tank tops and flowy pants, revealing bathing suits beneath them.
“Thanks,” I mumbled, accepting the life vest. “In the interest of everyone not having to save me from drowning, I’m going to put this on right now.”
They laughed like I was joking, but I was dead serious. Hannah pulled me to sit beside her, raising the empty bench next to her to reveal their concealed bags. “Here. To keep your things dry.”
I nodded and shoved my bag down on top before she closed the lid.
I slipped into the life vest, feeling completely awkward and returned a thumbs up to Mason who asked if I was ready. Lottie and Cole took the bench directly across from us.
The boat rocked as Mason pulled away from the dock and out into the open waters.
“How long have y’all been out here?”
“A few hours. But we took a break to eat lunch on the shore,” Lottie answered. “Cole was just about to try out the wakeboard.”
“The what?”
Cole bugged his eyes, “The wakeboard. It’s like surfing but the boat pulls you through the water.” He studied my face for a sign of recognition. “Nothing?”
I shook my head. “Nope. Sorry. I’ve never been on a boat before. I haven’t even been in a swimming pool before.”
“You’re kidding,” Hannah balked.
Lottie kicked Hannah in the shin. “She’s from Oklahoma. Do they even have lakes there?”
I racked my brain for an answer. “Uh, yeah. Just not any that I’ve ever been to.”
Hannah gave her sister a glare and Lottie waved her off.
“Well, if you want to swim, any of us would be happy to help you learn,” Hannah said with a smile in my direction. “And you’ll have the life vest, so nothing will happen.”
I shook my head as my nose scrunched in disinterest. “That’s okay. I’m still healing from the accident.”
“Shit,” Hannah cursed. “Sorry. I totally didn’t think of that. Are you feeling okay?”
I nodded, giving her hand a squeeze that she had placed on my leg. “Yeah, I’m good. Enough about me. How are you doing? How’s the new job?”
Hannah groaned. “You’re not gonna believe who I just got assigned to work with.”
My brews flew up as I blinked at her.
“Coffee shop guy.”
My jaw dropped. “You’re joking?”
“What?!” Lottie shrieked, making me wince.
“I know,” Hannah deadpanned. “I bet the angels are up there with a bag of popcorn just laughing their asses off at this turn of events.”
“Who’s coffee shop guy?” Cole asked with a furrowed brow, glancing between us girls for an explanation.
“Don’t even get me started on this douche canoe,” Lot said with an eyeroll.