Chapter 21
Twenty-One
Emory
I slowly blinked my eyes open, uncertain as to what woke me from my sleep.
I turned my head to see the outline of his sleeping form on the other side of the bed.
I closed my eyes, sleep already dragging me back under when I felt the familiar pinch in my lower belly.
My heart skipped a beat, and I shifted my weight onto my side.
I recoiled at the wet sensation. My heart started pounding, my brain now more alert as I slowly sat up in bed, keeping him in my line of sight to watch for signs of him stirring.
The dampness was unmistakable now. My thighs were slick, and I carefully pulled back the comforter.
For a moment I was frozen, staring at the dark stain beneath me, my body flooding with dread and adrenaline.
There was no escaping the consequences, but even still I found myself wanting to wait at least until the morning.
I wanted some time to myself to feel the simultaneous sadness that a life had ended and gratitude that at least this baby hadn’t suffered here on Earth, suffered through the evils that came with this world.
I reminded myself of the belief I’d formed after losing the first baby—that this baby would be in heaven too.
That they’d get the chance at living in a perfect world instead of this one.
That they’d never know pain, sickness, heartbreak.
My heart was pounding so hard and fast I feared he might somehow hear it and wake. So, I swiftly swung my legs to the edge of the bed, holding my breath as I listened and braced for any movements.
Nothing.
I slowly, ever so slowly, inched my way into a standing position from the mattress.
I released my breath as I finally stood upright, ready to tiptoe to the en-suite when I heard him roll over.
I froze, glancing over my shoulder to see him sitting up right. Hell. Oh hell.
“What are you doing?”
My heart raced and my body swayed, wracked by a trembling I couldn’t control. The adrenaline had kicked in, and I was shaking and sweaty.
The lamp switched on, and I dropped to my knees, head down and hands splayed out on the floor in front of me.
“Please, forgive me,” My voice was shaky and weak, and I wished that it was all an act. I strained my ears, trying to gauge what he was thinking. I couldn’t hear his breathing, and he hadn’t moved from the bed.
“Hey, don’t. Just head into the bathroom,” he said groggily.
The comforter rustled and his feet hit the floor.
My stomach dropped and I clasped my hands together, elbows digging into the carpet.
“Please. Not the tub. Not the tub,” I pleaded. “I rebuke you Satan. The Lord is my God. I resist you Satan. My God, expel this evil inside of me. My God, restore health to my mind and body. My God, cleanse me so that this child can live—”
His feet were moving towards me, and I swallowed the sob trapped in my throat. Not again. Please, God. Not again.
“Stop, stop,” he said with an edge of panic I’d never heard him express. “Look at me.”
I flinched when his hand landed on my shoulder, squeezing, trying to pull me into an upright position.
I’ll drown for sure this time. I couldn’t help the rush of tears or the strangled cry that left my throat. This was the end.
I was suddenly wrenched upright, and I braced for impact, maybe a slap or the whip of his belt, the tears now freely flowing. For once I was grateful my eyes had swollen shut so quickly from the tears, because I didn’t want his face to be the last thing I saw.
I choked on air, my trembling body only upright because he was still holding onto my shoulder.
Weak. I am so weak.
“Fuck. It’s okay. I’m not mad. Shiloh. It’s. Okay.”
What the hell is happening?
Why does it…Enoch?
I tried to pry my eyes open to no avail. My heart was racing so fast, I couldn’t get my brain to think.
“Shiloh, breathe, baby. Breathe. You’re okay.” My hand was in his now and I realized with shock that it was Enoch’s voice.
“A-am I dead? This-this is-is-isn’t real.”
My head was swimming, my limbs tingling from the lack of oxygen and I was certain if I wasn’t dead, I was about to be with how out of control my body felt. This had to be the end. My mind had never conjured up such a realistic fantasy of him during punishments before.
Strong arms suddenly lifted me into the air, and I flailed, reaching out to clutch the fabric of his shirt.
“Not the tub, please,” I begged.
I sucked in a breath of air, my body trembling.
Detergent. Pine.
Where is he? Where’s Theo?
“I know, baby. We’re not going to the tub. We’re just walking into the kitchen for some ice. Focus on my voice.”
I tried to suck in some air, get some function back into my clearly fucked-up brain. Was I dreaming? Was this a nightmare?
The confusion was only freaking me more the fuck out.
Why couldn’t I get a grip on reality?
The kitchen?
“You’re okay,” Enoch said. His voice calm and steady, but maybe a little edge of worry in it. My body jostled as he moved and then a loud groaning sound made me jump. The ping, ping, ping was hard to place until I remembered. Ice. He’s getting me ice.
I sucked in another deep breath.
Ice.
In a cup.
With Enoch.
We were moving again, and I clutched his shirt tighter, my brain trying to paint a picture of where we were and what was happening.
I sucked down another breath.
“Just gonna go sit down. I’ll wrap the ice in a towel, and you can try to relax until the swelling starts to go down.”
My heart skipped and I nodded, sucking down another deep breath.
“Enoch?”
“Yeah, baby?”
“What’s going o-on? I don’t…where…”
“We’re still at my place. You fell asleep after dinner.”
“Your house…” An image of a large two-story home filled my mind, and it all came back to me. Reality sinking in like a lead anchor. I took another breath, my body completely wilting against his own.
I’m okay. I’m safe. I’m. Safe.
Enoch. Anchorage.
I finally managed to take a full breath.
He’s not here.
The adrenaline was crashing, my teeth were chattering, and I tried to get my muscles to relax and stop trembling.
“You must’ve just woken up from a bad dream or something. But we’re okay. We’ll get your eyes open soon enough. You don’t need to use the tub; you can use the shower to get cleaned up.”
The blood. That wasn’t a dream. If I had the energy I would have laughed. It was all in my head. I had fucking created the whole charade in my head. All because I started my period.
“My period.”
“Yeah,” he said softly. I felt the bed sink below his weight, and I was in his lap still. I cringed as I realized we were probably both covered in blood now.
He pressed a towel to my eyes, and I reached up to hold it in place, my hand brushing his.
This is so embarrassing. You’re such an idiot, Shiloh.
I mentally cringed at the memory of myself praying on my knees mere minutes ago.
Enoch’s hands were steady and comforting as he held me against his chest, one hand on my thigh the other rubbing my back.
My nose was running, and I used the damp towel to wipe at it. I was a disaster.
The cramps were back with full force now that I had headspace to actually take stock of my body. Hell. I don’t even know if I have any products in my bag.
I groaned, letting my head slump onto his shoulder.
“I was g-g-going really strong with my no cry-crying record. Three years. You al-always seem to be the-re when I break my streak.”
Enoch huffed a soft laugh and buried his face in my hair, squeezing me tighter.
“Maybe your body just knows you’re safe with me and sees a chance to release all the emotions you’ve been bottling up for years.”
I sighed, wishing I could see his face, see what he was thinking right now. I was sure it wasn’t anything good. And I knew he’d have a million questions as to why the hell I was on the ground praying. What was I even saying…Rebuking the devil?
Space.
I need some space. And to get the hell out of here.
I let another few minutes pass as I waited for the chattering to cease and my limbs to stop involuntarily spasming at random. I was hoping he’d be the one to break the silence, but I guessed he was too busy lost in his own head.
“I know this is probably really inconvenient, but could you grab my bag and look to see if I’ve got a pad or anything in there? Just check the front outside pocket, not inside the actual bag.”
There was an awkward pause, and I realized I sounded ridiculous trying to make sure he didn’t snoop, didn’t find my secret.
“Yeah, of course.” Enoch shifted me onto the mattress, and I made a mental note to buy him a replacement pair of sheets. I hope he has a mattress protector on, because I definitely cannot afford a brand new one of those.
I removed the ice from my eyes and winced as the air kissed my cold and raw skin. My eyes were still swollen, but my left one I could open about a centimeter to see…nothing. A yellow blur I assumed was his bedroom. Great.
I felt absolutely disgusting. Bike shorts that were soaked with blood, drying sheen of sweat all over my body, swollen and burning eyes, and aching limbs. And cramps. Damn, I hated cramps.
I just wanted to shower and clean up the mess I’d made and then I’d drive myself home. But my damn eyes weren’t anywhere near ready to allow me to do any of that.
Maybe if I went back to sleep this would all be a nightmare I’d wake up from in the morning.
I heard Enoch in the hall and then he was in the room.
“So, I found a couple of liners and a tampon. It’s yellow, I dunno what that means size wise, but if it’s not gonna be enough to get you to the morning, I can run to the Holiday and grab something or run to your place.”
“What time is it?”
“Just after three.”
I nodded. “Um. I think maybe I should just head home after I get everything cleaned up. Once I can see. Hopefully not much longer.”
“You’re funny,” he deadpanned. “I’ll clean the bed and the floor, while—”