Chapter 25
Rance went quietly up the steps, hoping to look in on Gwen without waking her.
He paused outside her door to close his eyes and take deep, steady breaths, allowing himself to wallow for just a few moment in the gentle, calming scent that was uniquely hers.
He reached out and very quietly turned the door knob, easing the door open to look inside.
Gwen’s head turned slowly toward the door.
“Hey, sorry if I woke you. I was just checking on you,” Rance said.
Gwen smiled and scooted herself up on her pillows a couple of inches. “No, it’s okay. I was just dozing. Taking advantage of a little quiet time since Findley and Brinnley have the boys. They’re their unofficial aunts.”
Rance laughed lightly. “I bet it won’t be long before they have kids of their own.”
“They’ll be fantastic mothers,” Gwen said.
Rance nodded, and remained standing at the half-way opened door, not stepping inside the bedroom. “Do you need anything? I can ask Bonnie or one of the ladies to come if you need somebody to help you.”
Gwen looked at him for a few seconds. “I was getting a little worried. I heard Jack showing Frenzy to the room next door this morning and I knew it was yours. Wasn’t sure why you weren’t back yet and they were giving away your room.”
“Oh, no worries. I’m back. Frenzy’s asked for sanctuary here, too, and there’s not really any room with all the new arrivals, so I told him I’d share my suite with him. It’s got two beds, and he’s a good friend. We’ll make it work until he’s got his own place.”
Gwen nodded and gave a hint of a smile.
“Okay, well, I’m going to let you rest, unless you need something. You want me to send Bonnie or somebody?”
“No, but would you mind helping me?”
“You sure you want me to do it?”
“You did it before,” she said.
“Yeah, I did. But I didn’t give you much choice in the matter.”
“Could you help me get upright so we can have a proper conversation?”
Rance hesitated.
“Unless you’d rather not, then please send someone who doesn’t mind helping me.”
He moved forward quickly, allowing the door to close behind himself.
When he reached the bed, Gwen had already folded the comforter back off her upper body.
He looked down at her and it was all he could do not to groan with the attraction he felt.
“It’s not that I mind. I don’t want to force you into any situation, no matter how innocent it may be, that you’re not ready to be in,” he said.
“You’re a friend, and you have a pointed interest in making sure that I’m healing and safe. It’s not a situation to be ashamed of.”
Rance nodded as he slid his arms under her back to assist as she sat up very slowly. “Hey, look at that. I didn’t have to use any effort at all. You’ve gotten stronger.”
Gwen nodded as she smiled up at him. “I have. I just try to be extra careful when I’m changing positions so I don’t put undue stress on the sutures still inside me.”
“You want to lean against the pillows and the headboard?” he asked.
“Yes, please.”
Rance slipped an arm under her knees, and placed the other at her back. He literally lifted her off the mattress and moved her back enough for her to be able to comfortably recline against the headboard. Then he rearranged her pillows so the headboard was cushioned suitably. “How’s that?” he asked.
“Perfect. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” he said, straightening up and standing beside the bed as he smiled down at her.
“Would you sit and talk with me a while?”
He looked a little hesitant again, but recovered quickly and turned to look for a chair. Finding the one he’d used when he’d first sat with her across the room in the sitting area, he went to get it and brought it back to her bedside.
“Thank you,” she said as he sat down.
“No problem, you’re welcome.”
“You’re nervous,” she said.
“No,” he said, shaking his head. Then his eyes met hers and he seemed to deflate a bit. “A little.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Just had some time to think, looked at things more objectively. I’ve seen some things that changed the way I think.”
“Not quite as much in a rush to corral your mate, then?” she asked with a smirk.
“No! Not that at all. It’s just that you’ve been through some traumatic things.
You deserve the chance to heal without me trying to step into a place that only recently became available.
This isn’t about me, and I had to figure that out.
It’s about you, and your kids and building a new life.
And you don’t need to feel like you’re constantly fending off advances from a male that’s so self-absorbed that he can’t allow you time to do and be whatever you need to be. ”
“That’s very thoughtful of you. But please remember that I am perfectly capable of telling you you’re treading too heavily on my path if I decide that you are.”
Rance grinned at her. “I have seen your strength, I know you can.”
“So, do you want to know what I need from you?”
Surprised, he looked her right in the eye. “Yes, I do.”
“I need you to be my friend. I need you to become my best friend. A friend that sits with me while I mourn, celebrates with me when I can finally stand without support, and has the self-assuredness to call me on my bullshit if I wallow too long. I need you to stand beside me, or behind me, while I find my way. I need to know that with you, I’m safe, protected, and allowed to grow.
I need to know that no matter what I say or do, that you’ll stand strong with me until I am strong enough to stand on my own.
And I need you to need me to be those things for you, too. Do you know why, Rance?”
Rance had looked her directly in the eye while she’d been speaking, and one corner of his mouth had turned up, hinting at a smile as she spoke. “Because to have the kind of relationship you and Grail had, you have to be friends first.”
“Grail and I were arranged. Luckily we fell in love and were very happy. But this, you and I, it’s got a pull like nothing I’ve ever experienced before.
I don’t want to use it as a means to ignore all the trauma.
I don’t want to let it consume me and rush into it thinking it will heal everything.
I believe that if I did that, it would surface later and we’d have to struggle with it, then.
And it could do more damage than if we took our time first. Became friends first. I think it would make us stronger if we took the time to learn each other.
To know each other so well that we’re extensions of each other.
I think that to have the kind of relationship we were destined to have, and might have had already if I hadn’t been promised to Grail before I had the chance to meet you, we have to have an unbreakable foundation to build on.
And that starts with trust, friendship, and mutual respect. ”
“I’d like nothing more. Because honestly, I have a not too little amount of guilt about feeling everything that I do, and knowing that you just lost your mate.
I want to wrap you up in my arms and take you and the boys back to my house and shelter you there until you’re ready to step into life again.
I want to hold you at night, and all day long, too.
And then I think of the pain and loss you must be mired in, and I feel like a shit male.
What kind of person feels hope in the middle of another’s tragedy? ”
“One that felt devastated in the middle of their happiness, and walked away willingly to be sure that the same person continued to have their happiness. A very selfless person who was prepared to live his life without so that the female he should have had beside him could be happy with another. There are not a lot of males with that kind of heart, that kind of integrity. And I’m very aware of that.
I just think the friendship we build will give us the chance to know one another gradually, allow things to happen as they will, as I deal with my losses. Because there’s no way around that.”
“I think you’re right. We can be together as much as we want, not pushing toward a finish line, just learning each other, getting to know each other, enjoying each other.”
Gwen nodded and smiled, then she reached out and laid her long, delicate fingers on top of his hand, where he’d rested it on the bed to lean nearer to her as she spoke and didn’t even realize it.
“We have no rules, Rance. We’re just taking our time, no pressure.
I know what you are to me. You know what I am to you, and we’ll get there; when we’re both ready. ”
He picked up her hand and kissed it quickly, then rested his hand back on her bed with hers still atop his. “We needed this. Or, I needed this. I felt terrible for feeling like I might be rushing you. I’m glad we talked.”
“Me, too.”
“Would it be okay if I go get Frenzy and ask him to check your wounds again?”
“He already did. I’m healing beautifully. Skin is already knitted together. I’m pretty sure I could sit up on my own and get out of bed, but there’s no harm in taking it easy for a couple of more days to be sure I don’t injure anything again.”
“I agree.”
“Would you do something else for me?” she asked.
“Of course. Anything.”
“Can you tell me what you found in Missouri?” Gwen curled her fingers around his hand when she asked, holding on to him for a little extra strength.
“You sure you want to do this now?” Rance asked.
Gwen nodded. “I need to. I need to know. Surely anything you found can’t be any worse than my imagination.”