Chapter 9 Joshua
JOSHUA
The week turned out to be nothing like I had expected. Granted, I didn’t expect to even be around to start the week, but I quickly settled into a new routine with Matthew.
In the mornings, we’d have coffee on the deck and watch the fog burn off the water. Matthew usually threw something together for lunch without making a big deal of it, and when he was done with work, we usually went for a run. It felt good.
When I wasn’t staring at him and trying not to get caught, I was reading one of the many books and magazines he had in the house about building and architecture.
That, and my therapy appointments. I had a daily online appointment with Dr. Kim, and that wasn’t nearly as painful as I’d expected it to be.
I used Matthew’s iPad for the video appointments in the guest room with the door pulled shut behind me.
"Hi, Joshua. How’s your day going?" Her voice was kind and focused, like she genuinely wanted to hear what I had to say.
"Good, actually." I sat on the edge of the bed and tried not to bounce. "Really good, which feels kinda weird to say."
She kept her eyes on me and her voice soft. "Why does it feel weird?"
"Because a week ago I was—" I stopped and shrugged, not sure if I needed to keep saying it out loud. "Well, it just feels like I should still be in the bad part, but I’m past that or something."
"Recovery isn't linear." She glanced down like she was taking notes but didn’t miss a beat.
"Having good days doesn't mean you're skipping over the work you need to do.
It just means your nervous system found something to regulate around.
That's worth paying attention to." She smiled like it was a good thing. "What's it regulating around?"
I looked at the door and bit back a grin. "I guess the guy I'm staying with. Matthew."
She seemed to jot something down again but kept talking. "Tell me about him."
Once I started talking about him, I couldn’t stop.
I probably told her more than I meant to and definitely more than a rational person would have said.
Especially so soon after a suicide attempt.
But he made me so happy. Every moment we were together felt like a healing balm on my broken body.
After just a few days, I wanted to believe I was fully healed. And I told her that.
Dr. Kim let me talk, and when I was done, she took a second to process it all.
"Joshua, what you're describing sounds really meaningful.
" Her voice was careful in a way that made me brace for a lecture.
"But I’d like to remind you that after a crisis event, it's very common to quickly and strongly attach to whoever was present during the recovery.
It's not a character flaw, and it doesn't mean your feelings aren't real.
But it can make it harder to assess what's actually happening versus what your subconscious is reaching for because it's scared. "
"What I feel is real. And Matthew feels it too." As I said the words, I heard how naive I sounded. "I mean, I think he does."
"You might be right. I'm not saying you aren’t.
" She didn't back down, but she didn't push either.
"I'm just saying that right now, your brain is still in an acute phase of recovery, and major decisions, especially about deep relationships, are worth taking slowly. If something’s real, it'll still be real in a few months. "
Months? That felt like an eternity. But it also felt like a point in the future that I would definitely be around for. "Matthew said that too."
She smiled, and I could almost see the relief in her eyes. "Sounds like he’s a smart man."
I frowned dramatically. "An annoying man."
She chuckled and glanced at her watch. "Will you do one thing for me, Joshua?"
"Depends on what it is."
"For now, please don't make any decisions that you can't undo." She let that sit for a second before continuing. "Keep showing up to these calls and stay active. Keep running and spending time outdoors. But let the relationship with Matthew stay casual for a while longer. Can you do that?"
I leaned back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. "Yeah. Okay."
“Thank you.” She leaned back in her chair like she always did when our calls wrapped up. "Then I’ll talk to you tomorrow."
"Yep, I'll be here."
When I hung up, I lay there for a minute thinking about what I’d just agreed to.
I understood what she was saying and why she wanted me to move slowly.
It all made perfect sense. But it was different with Matthew.
I wasn’t attracted to him because he saved me.
I was attracted to him because he was the sexiest man I’d ever seen.
And he was the only person who had ever seen me at my absolute lowest point and wasn’t afraid to keep me around.
I was also pretty sure that none of her psychology actually applied in this situation because Matthew was genuinely exceptional, and my feelings were completely legitimate.
Besides, she didn’t say we couldn’t be physical.
She just said I shouldn't do anything that couldn’t be undone.
But I’d already fallen for the man, so that didn’t count.
Of course, I wasn’t gonna say any of that out loud to Dr. Kim for at least a few more sessions.
On Friday morning, Matthew put a brand-new Sticks and Stones Studio polo shirt on the counter at breakfast. “We’ll leave after lunch.”
“Okay.” I stared at that shirt the whole time I was eating. I’d had uniform shirts before, but this one felt different. Special. Important. “I’ll be ready.”
After a couple sandwiches, we drove up to Pacifica in Matthew’s truck with the plans rolled up behind the seat and the radio on low.
The building we were going to was huge but had seen better days. The restaurant on the ground floor was open, but there was scaffolding going up the side, and I couldn’t wait to see the view from the roof where the new bar was going.
The foreman we were meeting was a broad guy named Sal who shook Matthew's hand and then looked at me. "You finally hired some help?"
"Not hired help. This is Joshua." Matthew winked at me, and I felt it land somewhere in my chest. "He's got a construction background and wanted to see what we’re working on here."
Sal shook my hand and handed us each a hardhat. “Good to meet you, Joshua. We’ve got a lot going on here, but let me know if you have any questions about anything you see.”
“Thanks, Sal. It’s good to meet you too.”
For the next few hours, I followed behind them, listening to everything they talked about and making mental notes of things I wanted clarification on.
Matthew and Sal talked through the rooftop access and a complication with the stairwell that was gonna require some creative problem-solving.
While they were working, I tried not to interrupt, but as soon as I had the green light to ask questions, I had a million of them.
I wanted to know about the demo sequence and what they were salvaging and how they were handling the load transfer once the center wall got its new openings.
And what about railings? How were they going to keep people safe without obstructing the view?
Matthew stood back and grinned as Sal answered every question without making me feel like I was a nuisance.
When we were wrapping up, Sal rolled up the plans and slid them back into the tube before looking directly at me. "You said you've done reclamation work?"
"Yeah, mostly brick and barn wood. Demo and salvage stuff."
He nodded slowly and glanced between me and Matthew. "You looking for work?"
My heart started racing, but I tried not to show it in my voice. "What kinda work?"
"This job's got eight weeks of heavy demo and structural work before we get into finishes. I need guys who aren't gonna cry when they break a sweat." He shook his head like he wasn’t exaggerating. "Pay's good, and the foreman's solid."
I looked at Matthew before I could stop myself. “Um…”
Matthew’s eyebrow was just slightly raised, like he was waiting to see what I'd do.
"Yes." The word was out before I finished thinking it through. "Yeah, I’ll take it."
Matthew cleared his throat to get the attention back on him. "That’s a generous offer, Sal. Joshua would be great on your crew, but can he get back to you Monday?"
Sal looked between us and seemed to understand more than I did. "Monday's fine." He gave me his card. "Think it over and give me a call when you’re ready."
Woody's was quiet for a Friday evening. Just a few tables were occupied, and the familiar smells from the grill made me wonder why I ever wanted to leave this place. Jeanette was behind the counter when we came in, and when she saw me, her face changed.
She rushed around the counter faster than I expected for someone her age and stopped in front of me with her hands pressed together in front of her mouth.
"Oh, sweetheart." She took my face in both hands the way my own grandmother used to when I was very young, and she looked at me for a long second. "I'm so glad you're here."
My throat burned, and a flood of shame and regret filled me. "I'm sorry I scared you."
She shook her head and patted my cheek before she composed herself. "Matty called me." She glanced at him with a loving expression. "He told me you were safe."
We followed her to the corner table, and she quickly disappeared before coming back with coffee for Matthew and a glass of chocolate milk for me. It was kinda nice to get the extra attention, and since I sensed she needed it too, I let her fuss as if I really were her family.
When she was back behind the counter, Matthew gently tapped the side of my foot under the table to get me to look up at him. "What are you thinking?"
So many things. Too many things to name out loud. "Don't say I told you so."
"I wasn't going to." He wrapped his hands around his mug and smirked slightly behind it. “But she’s on your side. You can come to her for anything, Joshua. I hope you know that.”
I nodded and glanced at Jeanette as she checked out another customer. As if she could feel my stare, she looked at me and winked. “Yeah, I do.”
We sat quietly for a few minutes before he dug into the real topic hanging between us. "So, you wanna take the job with Sal?"
Hell yeah, I did. Why wouldn’t I? “Yeah, it sounds great.”
“Don’t you think you should give it some thought?” He tapped a sugar packet on the table for something to do. “It’s a big decision.”
I huffed indignantly. "I did give it some thought."
He cocked his head to the side. "In the three seconds between him asking and you answering?"
"I'm a fast thinker." I leaned forward on my elbows, confused as to why he wasn’t on board. "It's good money and real work that I know how to do. Why do you think it’s a bad idea?"
"I don’t think that at all." He leaned back as if trying to give me space I didn’t need. "But it’s a forty-five minute drive from the house, and a forty-hour working week is a big commitment."
I sucked the last of my milk through the straw and pushed the glass toward the edge of the table for Jeanette to refill.
Now was as good a time as any to address the reality of my situation.
"You brought me to your place for the night. I don’t expect to stay with you forever.
And if I have a good job, I can find a place near the jobsite. Besides, gas is cheap for my bike."
The table was quiet for a second as Matthew just stared. "You don't have to leave anytime soon.”
"I know." I played with the straw wrapper, twisting it and untwisting it to avoid looking at him.
"The guest room isn't going anywhere."
When I finally looked up at him, he had that patient expression that made it very hard to be strong. "I don’t wanna be a burden.”
"You’re not a burden, Joshua. And I like having you around."
Jeanette appeared at exactly that moment with our food, and then she disappeared back behind the counter.
I picked up a fry and dipped it in ketchup. “I guess I can stay for a little while longer, but I need to work so I can make my own money.”
"Fair enough.” He picked up his sandwich and took a bite. “Then I think you should call Sal and let him know you want the job, but only if you take my truck. I don’t want you riding your bike on that road when it’s foggy."
"Yeah. Okay." A warmth filled my chest because not only were we agreeing that I would stay with Matthew a while longer, but because he wanted me to be safe. I picked up my burger and took a bite too. That was easier than I thought. But it also felt like one of the most important talks I’d ever had. “That works.”