Chapter 8 Matthew
MATTHEW
My resolve to be good lasted about ten more seconds before I gave in and kissed him.
I'd like to say I made a thoughtful decision and was sure we were both ready to move forward physically.
But that wasn’t what happened.
He was just so warm and cozy in my lap, and when his hand was pressed flat against my chest and he kneaded enough for me to leak against his hand, something inside me broke.
I wanted to ignore my own needs and focus completely on what was best for him, but he obviously wanted it, and that was enough for my self-control to clock out for a while.
Without any of the hesitation I should’ve had, I cupped the back of his neck and brought his mouth to mine.
Joshua made a soft sound against my lips, and his fingers curled tighter over my shirt as I kissed him the way I'd been wanting to since the diner. Our movements were slow and deliberate, with my full attention. And he kissed me back like he meant it. Like he'd been wanting it too.
But we didn't stay slow and gentle for long.
Within moments, his hands moved up to my shoulders and mine slid down the back of his neck and around to the warm skin along his jaw. He shifted in my lap in a way that made it very clear where this was heading.
I should have stopped it, but I wanted it too badly…so I didn't.
Joshua’s hands slowly moved down my sides until one was pressed against my dick. “Can I?”
How could I say no to this boy? I couldn’t bring the words to my lips, so I just nodded, giving him control of what happened next. When he slid his hand under the soft waistband of my sweats and brushed his fingertips against the head of my hard cock, I almost whimpered.
“It’s big.” Joshua pushed the thick fabric of my sweats forward, but I had to lift off the couch to get them to stay low enough that he could free my dick. It stood straight up between us, with my balls resting on my bunched-up sweats. “Like you.”
My breath caught as a rush of milk let down and began leaking against my shirt. There wasn’t anything I could do about it, so I did my best to ignore it. I had much better things to focus on. “We shouldn’t.”
He nodded as he reached for my cock and rubbed me down to the root. “I know.”
I swallowed hard even though my throat felt dry and kept my eyes locked on Joshua’s.
He didn’t seem upset or scared in the least. Concerns be damned, he stroked up and down a few times before moaning and then pushing up onto his knees. “Tell me if you want me to stop.”
I didn’t say a word. I just watched as his own beautiful cock popped free of his joggers and smacked against mine. Fuck, that was hot.
Joshua rocked against me, using his palm and his cock to jack me off while his free hand slipped under my shirt and up to my chest. The second he palmed me and then squeezed my nipple, I knew I was done for.
“Careful, baby. I’m gonna come.” I slid my forearm under his ass to help carry some of his weight and keep him steady as we both pushed closer to the edge.
“Fuck, yeah.” He moved faster, massaging my pec as milk flowed down my belly, adding to the precome that was lubricating us. “I’m there too.”
And within a few more thrusts into his palm, an orgasm that seemed to erupt from deep inside me slowly flowed through me and I was shooting my load. “Fuck!”
He didn’t slow down at all. Joshua continued to stroke us both until every drop of our seed was mixed between us. And when we started to soften, he finally released our dicks and collapsed against me. “Wow.”
“Yeah.” My shirt was soaked in jizz and milk and a good amount of sweat, but that didn’t stop him from curling closer to me, breathing heavily. “You okay?”
He nodded on my shoulder. “So great.”
My smirk felt completely inappropriate, but I couldn’t help it. I loved that he felt great. I wanted him to feel great because I felt fucking great too. “Good.”
We just sat there for a while, and then Joshua was asleep again. As much as I wanted to stay there forever, I really did need to pump, and he needed to not be showered with my constant leaking. “Let’s get you to bed.”
He moaned but didn’t fully wake up, so I managed to stand up with him still in my arms and stepped out of my sweats when they pooled around my feet.
I carried him down the hall and into the guest room, and he barely stirred.
He was definitely a hard sleeper. He merely turned onto his side and pulled the blanket up when I lowered him to the bed.
As creepy as I felt standing in the doorway in nothing but milky come and a sticky t-shirt, I took a moment to just watch him in the dark. He was perfect…and yet still broken.
After shutting off the TV and putting the leftover pizza away, I went to my room and sat on the edge of my bed with my face in my hands. What the fuck was I thinking?
The kid had been ready to take his life just a few days ago, and now I was playing boyfriend with him.
What happened to me being the mature adult who could make smart decisions for both of us?
Granted, he kissed me first and practically begged me to go along with the moment… but that didn’t mean I had to do it.
Joshua was vulnerable. That was the word I'd used when I saw him in the diner, and it still felt right.
He had just survived a self-inflicted trauma and needed support and therapy and empathy.
Not a fuck buddy. I'd gone and done exactly what I promised myself I wouldn't do, which was to treat his vulnerability like an invitation for closeness instead of a reason to be careful of it.
Artie would kick my ass if he knew what I’d just done.
Then again, Artie was one of few people who knew about my lactation, and he’d encouraged Joshua to talk to me about it.
Maybe he would understand. Artie knew as well as anyone that my chest was an erogenous zone and even talking about it was enough to make me hard and horny.
Pairing that with the sexiest man I’d met in years was just unfair. There was no way I could resist him.
And because I was weak and couldn’t keep my dick in my pants, I had just made Joshua’s life more complicated.
I lay back on my bed and stared at the ceiling, but I didn't fall asleep for a long time.
The next morning, I was up early, so I made coffee and went out to the deck. When Joshua eventually came out, he had a blanket around his shoulders again, and his hair was an adorable mess.
“Hi.” He looked at me from behind a steaming mug and then sat down.
“Good morning.” The tension between us was almost palpable, but since it was my fault, I didn’t want him to feel bad about what had happened. “Did you sleep okay?”
His eyes snapped to mine and he bit back a smile. “Yeah, really good.”
"Glad to hear it." I took a drink of my coffee and stared out at the ocean. There were so many things I wanted to say, but nothing felt right. I didn’t have the words to apologize for my weakness, so I stayed quiet after that.
He was quiet too for a while. And just when I thought we were gonna pretend nothing had happened, he put down his mug and turned in his seat to face me. "Are you sorry it happened?"
It took me a minute to figure out how to answer him without lying. "No, not at all." I put the mug down and sighed as I rubbed the back of my neck. "But I am sorry about the timing."
He pulled back and shook his head. "What does that mean? We were having a moment, and it happened. I’d call that perfect timing."
I scoffed and had to remind myself not to be an ass. "The timing was far from perfect. You’re just a few days out from something seriously traumatic, and I’m supposed to be someone you can trust not to make this complicated. I’m supposed to be the voice of reason here."
He cocked his head and furrowed his brow. "But I kissed you first."
As if I could ever forget. "I know."
"And I wanted it." He slowly grinned, finding amusement in a situation that wasn’t funny.
"I know that too." I held his gaze, keeping my expression neutral. "But I should've been the one to pump the brakes. That’s what I wanted to do, but I…didn't."
He looked at me for a long moment with an expression I was getting better at recognizing. This was him deciding whether to argue or if it wasn't worth the energy. "So what happens now?"
"Nothing changes." I wrapped my hands around my mug to have something to focus on other than his full lips and the way his tongue felt against mine as he blew hot breath on me.
"You need to focus on your therapy appointments, and I've got some work I need to catch up on.” I took a drink and shrugged.
“I have a site visit on Friday, and we can run when the weather's nice.
Other than that, I just want you to feel better and to keep showing up. "
His smile dropped, and I hated that I was the reason for it. "So we’ll just pretend last night didn't happen."
"We don't have to pretend anything." I looked at him straight so he could see my sincerity. "Last night happened, and I enjoyed it very much, but I think we need to slow things down for now."
“Oh, okay.” He looked into the distance, and I could sense his disappointment, but he changed the subject. "Where's your site visit?"
"It’s the Pacifica restaurant project." I was surprised to see his interest piqued. "You can come with me if you want. We can call it an internship."
His eyes went big, and he leaned forward. "Yeah?"
"Sure. It might be kinda boring, but if you don’t wanna hang out here by yourself, you’re welcome to join me."
"Yeah, okay. I'd like that." He was quiet for another before he sighed without looking at me. "So how long do we have to slow things down for?”
"There are a few things you need to figure out before you let me complicate it." I kept my voice level. "The most important thing I need to know from you is that you want to stay alive. Not for me or anyone else, but for yourself."
He was quiet.
"When you're sure about that…" I got up and sat beside him so I could put my arm around his shoulder and hold him close to me. "Everything else will fall into place."
He pressed his lips together, and a muscle moved in his jaw as he sat stiffly beside me. For a second, I thought I'd pushed too hard and said the wrong thing. I was getting ready to walk it back when he let out a breath and relaxed against my side. "Yeah, that's fair."
"Yeah?" Fuck, he was gonna make my salt-and-pepper hair go fully salt.
"Yeah." He put one hand on my knee and held close but didn’t do anything else. "It's annoying. But it's fair."
I almost smiled at that. "You’re not the first person to call me annoying."
"Probably not the last." He grinned briefly and rested his head on my shoulder. "You're also not wrong, which makes it harder to be annoyed at you."
We went inside, and I made pancakes and eggs. The boy needed more protein. When I put the plate of food in front of him, he picked up his fork and looked up at me with an almost shy expression. "For what it's worth, I don't feel taken advantage of."
That was actually worth a lot. "I’m glad to hear it."
"It’s weird, but I feel like I got to do something I wanted to do with someone I wanted to do it with." He dug into his eggs and kept his eyes down. "That's a feeling I haven't had in a long time, and I'd like to keep having it, so…" He shrugged and put the bite in his mouth.
Fuck, I needed to hear that. I turned back to the stove and took a second to get my face back in order before I turned around again. "Eat your breakfast, Joshua."