Chapter 19
CHAPTER 19
U sually, Clementine was good at making a list of things to do and crossing everything off regularly. The one thing she had been ignoring for the last few weeks was ‘Schedule an appointment with Rhiannon’. Not because she didn’t want to attend therapy, but because she was so busy. There were days when she felt overwhelmed and wanted to talk, but she’d get distracted and forget about scheduling her appointment.
In the last week, however, she had been feeling unsteadier than usual. Partly because of her former crush resurfacing, partly because of the man teaching her self-pleasure and mostly because she kept getting stuck in her head. Finding out that her therapist had a free hour was enough for Clementine to walk out of the bakery in the middle of the day.
“I wasn’t expecting donuts today,” Rhiannon said, powdered sugar covering her upper lip.
Clementine settled into the couch and touched her mouth. “I’ve been experimenting and thought you’d appreciate a taste test.”
Rhiannon grabbed a napkin and wiped her mouth. “These get my vote. I can’t identify the flavor, though.”
“Apple cider with powdered cinnamon.”
Rhiannon popped the last bit into her mouth. “Feel free to bring me crates of these next time.”
“Or I could send you a box a week.”
“Does that mean I’m not going to see you again for a month?” Clementine made a face, which caused Rhiannon to laugh. “All right, what’s going on in your life these days?”
“The usual, really. Work is crazy as always and I might be working on more weddings this year than I thought,” she said, shifting around until she was comfortable. “My older brother and his wife are moving to India for a few years because of her job, so that’s going to be weird.”
“Why weird?”
“I mean, fair, it’s not like I see them regularly. But he’s always close by. Now they’re going to be miles and hours and timezones away.”
Rhiannon nodded. “When was the last time you saw them?”
“Thanksgiving. They hosted us and it was great. Look, I know it’s not that strange, but mostly, I feel like I took them being here for granted.”
“It’s not like they won’t come back, right?”
“Right.” She sighed, because the truth was, she was happy for Callum and Sandra. “That’s not really a big thing, though. Not sure why I brought it up.”
“Because on some level, it does bother you. It’s okay to be unhappy with decisions other people make,” Rhiannon explained. “But let’s focus on you.”
Groaning loudly and dramatically, she crossed her arms over her chest. Rhiannon arched an amused eyebrow at her and she rolled her eyes.
“The last time I saw you, you were running yourself ragged. Has that changed?”
“Yeah, I guess. I’m delegating more and even took a few days off.”
“What brought that on?” Rhiannon asked, pen poised to take notes.
“Burned some of our offerings,” she mumbled, eyes dropping to her lap. “Xander came by the shop and I was caught off guard. I hid away and spiraled, felt short of breath and discombobulated. Was sent to my office, like a child being punished. It was…unpleasant.”
“Have you had an anxiety attack before?”
Clementine frowned, shaking her head. “Not that I’m aware of. I’m sure there were instances, but I can’t remember them.” Rhiannon scribbled, nodding for her to continue. “Freya and Roscoe handled a cake tasting and it went off without a hitch.”
“You say that like you didn’t think they could do it.”
She knew her face was twisted into a grimace, so she shrugged. “I do trust them, but I like having control over these kinds of situations.”
“I’m proud of you for giving up that control.” Rhiannon tilted her head as she added, “Do we need to address the Xander interaction?”
“Nope. It was a minor glitch in my day.”
In the six years she’d been seeing Rhiannon, she’d mentioned her past romantic relations and this one fumble with Xander. Her therapist had suggested meeting new people, going on dates and seeing what was out there. For Clementine that was too much. It was part of Rhiannon’s process to get her comfortable in unfamiliar settings. However, it didn’t work. She liked her group of friends, her close-knit circle of people.
Talking about Oakley would break a rule—it kept flashing in her head like one of those vacancy signs at a motel—and also force her to actually discuss how she felt.
On the other hand, she could totally help me navigate this as well.
“I met someone,” she blurted out, frowning at the lack of control.
“And…who are they?”
“Oakley, he’s a tattoo artist. He’s been coming around the bakery for a few months. Asked me out, I said no. Then I changed my mind and asked for no strings attached sex. He said yes, but then it became friends with benefits because I couldn’t ignore the strings. And we’ve been…benefiting ever since.”
Rhiannon’s eyes were wide at the breathless ramble, but she was also smiling. “So much to unpack there. This is a big step for you, are you enjoying it?”
She looked away, trying to piece together her thoughts. Because it was a big step and she was enjoying it. That was not really her issue though.
“Yes. But it’s more about…feelings.”
“What are the feelings?”
“It was a crush, now it’s something more.”
Rhiannon nodded. “Does that scare you?”
“Sort of.” Clementine looked away as she added, “He’s teaching me self pleasure, masturbation, if you will.”
“I’m glad. But that’s not what I asked.”
“It could be all the endorphins, but I like him. I don’t know where this is going so I obviously don’t want to get too attached. But my feelings don’t care about that.”
“Maybe you don’t have to analyze it so closely. Just enjoy it and take it one day at a time.”
Clementine nodded, eyes fixed on her lap. “He’s been really great, though.”
“I’m glad. He’s the first man you’ve been with, right?”
Her head bobbed in a quick nod. “I told him about my struggles with sex. Explained my history and he was really understanding.”
“So the benefits are mostly about self-pleasure.”
Another nod as Clementine said, “Partly. He’s also got some sex related trauma. He’s embarrassed and frustrated every time, and I assure him that it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I want to do and say the right thing to help him.”
“Be there for him. Small steps, okay? Now, tell me what is great with Oakley.”
This time she couldn’t even fight the smile that tugged at her lips. “He’s probably single-handedly filling up my bank account, because he’s buying a dozen donuts every day. He doesn’t even try very hard, but I find myself wanting to smile around him. He’s so gentle and understanding, plus he encourages my research-oriented mind to go down a spiral.” Her heart thumped so hard, it felt like the organ was attempting to burst out of her chest.
“And he asks every time before touching me,” she added softly. Her whole body warmed at the memory of the night before. He asked if he could fuck her with his fingers while she rubbed her clit, a switch to what they’d been doing ever since he showed her how to masturbate. It had been an intense orgasm, because when she came, her vision went blurry for a brief moment.
“I’m happy for you, Clementine. From the expression on your face, I can tell that this is more than you expected.” At her nod, Rhiannon smiled and added, “Allow yourself to enjoy it. Don’t overthink it. Enjoy it .”
“In the history of being told don’t overthink it , has anyone not overthought it?” Frowning with her shoulders curving inwards, Clementine stared at her feet.
“What is the worst thing that could happen?”
“I fall in love with him and he breaks my heart.”
Rhiannon shrugged. “Or he could love you the way you deserve.”
That felt like an unlikely situation. Yes, she knew that Oakley had feelings for her—it was in his actions, his words and, most often, in his eyes. She was overwhelmed the first time she comprehended what it might mean. It still scared her, but she was better at not letting those things affect her. Love was a possible next step, but right now she was focusing on not losing herself entirely.
A soft alarm rang to end the session, she blew out a heavy breath and stood up. “Thanks for today.”
“In case I haven’t said it in a while, I’m proud of your progress. And of you.”
“Don’t make me cry,” she said and they hugged quickly before Clementine left.
In a slight daze, she worked through a wedding tasting. She tried to pay attention, but after her therapy session, it was mostly hopeless. However, the couple enjoyed it so much they made their choice before leaving. Which meant that she had a few tasters left over that she packed up and took with her to see Oakley.
It wasn’t the first time, but she would never tire of cake as a sort of foreplay. Between tasting and kissing, it didn’t surprise her that there were quite a few slices left over. Once they were able to separate from each other—which was really difficult, because she didn’t want to let him go either—she gave Oakley the address to their dinner spot.
“If it weren’t for you, I’d never find half these places,” he said once they were parked.
It’s No Truffles was an Americanized French bistro, owned by a friend and one of her favorite restaurants. When she promised to be Oakley’s food guide, she had considered making a list, but decided to wing it. Often, the best food discoveries happened when you didn’t plan. They stepped into the restaurant and a tall man walked over with a wide smile. She recognized him, but couldn’t recall his name as he came over.
“Chef Kinney, long time no see,” he said with a wide grin and gestured to the side. “The usual table?”
“Yes, please. Is Henri in?”
“He was here earlier, should be back later.”
She followed him to the table tucked into the corner. When she first visited the restaurant and befriended Henri, he’d given her that table. Even now, it was only table she’d sat at, because it allowed her to eat her food in silence and work or read without being disturbed.
Once they were seated, Oakley leaned in and whispered, “ Chef Kinney .”
She rolled her eyes. “I keep telling them to call me Clementine, but they refuse.”
“And who is Henri?”
“Owner of this establishment. Jealous?”
“Fuck yes,” he growled and then cleared his throat, smoothing his hands over the table. “Making sure I don’t have any competition.”
She leaned back with a faint smile. “I barely have time to be with you, you think I have time for someone else?”
“Maybe you’re not getting enough from me.”
“Be serious.”
“I am,” he replied, strong arms crossed over his chest. “Who knows what you’re into.”
She knew he was messing with her, but it still irked her that he thought she was interested in anyone else. That was the one rule she’d listed that she had no plan of breaking. Besides, her brain didn’t have room for anyone other than Oakley, and they both knew it. Her conversation with Rhiannon swirled through her mind—her fear of letting go, the feelings she was afraid to acknowledge. This wasn’t meant to be anything more than sex and he certainly wasn’t supposed to be charming or win her over with his good looks and sunshine personality.
“I’m not on the menu, in case that wasn’t clear yet.” Oakley’s amused voice broke through her thoughts.
Sighing, she looked away. “You’re exhausting.”
“You love it.”
When the waiter returned, Oakley ordered a jambon beurre and a French onion soup; she asked for her usual of Steak Frites. She took a sip of water and found him watching her curiously.
“Something’s on your mind,” he said softly, eyes pleading. “Talk to me, sweetheart.”
Pursing her lips, she set her glass down. How could she explain her crushes and not sound ridiculous? Blowing out a frustrated breath she just started talking.
“When I was a teenager, I had a tendency to crush on everyone I met. And I mean everyone . You flashed a smile at me and I was putty in your hands. It wasn’t cute, but it’s what my life had been. My friends at the time thought it would be fun to encourage me to do something about those feelings and crushes. They convinced me that love letters and poems would get the attention of those I liked. And because I was young and easily manipulated, I believed it was a good idea.
“But as you can imagine, the objects of my affection didn’t feel the same way. They would laugh at the stuff I wrote, share it with their friends and spread it around school. Thankfully nobody knew who I was, so I could avoid the ridicule. But everyone in school was talking about it and it started to get out of hand.”
She looked up from where she was folding and unfolding her napkin to find him frowning, eyes thunderous. “Mack always tried to stop me from doing this shit. But I thought he was being a silly boy and my girlfriends wouldn’t lead me astray, right? Wrong. They were getting off on my misery and instead of helping me genuinely get the attention of the right people, they were enjoying the chaos.”
“Give me their names, I’ll take them out.”
Clementine snorted and shook her head. “I don’t care anymore. I left Iowa and moved onto bigger and better things.”
“Yeah, you did. Because you’re a fucking badass and nothing can take you down.”
“It did for a while,” she admitted softly as their food was set in front of them. “A few years ago, there was this guy. Xander. He came into the shop every day, was really charming and funny. Flirted with me a lot and I really liked it. Until…” trailing off, she chewed on her bottom lip, eyes flicking up to meet his wide ones. “He ordered a cake for his girlfriend.”
She paused to pick at a fry before adding, “I had this massive crush on him. It felt so ridiculous and childish, you know? Like I was so enamored that I didn’t stop to read all the signs.”
He nodded, but never took his eyes off her. It didn’t matter that delicious food was steaming in front of him, he watched her.
“I had a crush on you the minute we met. And I no longer trust my crushes, because I tend to spiral. That’s why I kept pushing you away. But you’re relentless.” She laughed to lighten the moment, because it had suddenly gotten so heavy between them. “I know that you’re different, but it’s still scary.”
“I had a crush on you too.”
“Obviously,” she muttered, ignoring her racing heart.
“I saw you before you even knew I existed. I’ve been crushing on you for a while, Clem.”
“You don’t have to say that to make me happy.”
“I’m not kidding, babe. I came by the bakery a week before the Christmas party and was almost late to my interview at the tattoo shop because I was so fucking captivated by you. When I saw you, I wanted you, and maybe ‘crush’ is too mild a word for that.” She paused mid-chew and looked at him. “I still want you.”
“Oak…”
“I want to make another addendum to our deal.”
“Do people really say addendum?”
He snorted. “I know you’re still coming to terms with this, but I’d like more, Clem. I want to date you, be with you all the fucking time and I don’t want to be some dirty secret.”
“You’re not a dirty secret.”
“ We are a secret, baby. I get it. I understand having everyone offer their opinions or judgment is the fucking worst. But we are sneaking around.”
She chewed on her bottom lip and nodded slowly, because he wasn’t wrong. The whole point of their friends with benefits arrangement was so they could have fun together.
“Donuts and cake, and all the sex we’ll have is great. But when you’re not with me, you’re all I think about. When you’re here, I never want you to leave.”
“Why agree to all this if you wanted more?”
“Because you’ve got me twisted up, sweetheart. I don’t really know how else to explain it. The wildest part is, I’d feel this way even without the sex.”
It was shocking to hear him say this stuff to her , because wasn’t this the kind of thing she said in her letters and poems? Until Oakley, not a single one of those people wanted her that way. To have this man feel that way about her was going to take some time to register.
Tucking her hair behind an ear, she said, “This is a lot.”
“Fuck, I know. I’m sorry,” he said, sliding out of his chair to kneel beside her. Taking her hands in his, Oakley kissed her knuckles. “I didn’t mean to force you. You don’t have to want this.”
“I want you. This is going a lot faster than I expected.”
“I’m happy to slow it down.”
Cupping his face, fingers scraping against his scruffy jaw, she said, “Be patient with me.”
“Always.”
“Okay.”
“Yeah?”
“I could do worse,” she teased.
“Babe.” He snorted and shook his head. “Come the fuck on.”
The smile on his face lit her up and told her that everything was going to be absolutely okay.