Chapter Seven
Friday
Joshua:
When I was six, my parents sent me to a therapist because they thought there was something wrong with me. I wasn't speaking. James kept telling them I could speak perfectly well, I just didn't like speaking to them, and he wasn't wrong.
Everything I did was criticised. Everything I said was corrected.
If I got something wrong, it wasn't explained, it was mocked, and after a while it became easier to keep my mouth shut than risk saying anything at all.
I remember Dad trying to teach us to read.
James picked it up quickly, but I was slower.
One evening I stumbled over a word for what felt like the hundredth time, and before I could even try again, Dad snatched the book out of my hands and launched it across the room. "What are you, thick or something?"
That earned him six months of silence from me. It's always been my way. If someone hurts me badly enough, I don't shout, I don't argue, I don't even cry. I just stop talking to them, and eventually they get the message.
I promised myself university would be different, and so far I think I'm doing alright. I survived football trials, I willingly went to the Student Union despite hating every second of it, and now I'm helping Ruby Hollis carry a girl who's had far too much to drink back to her halls.
Progress comes in strange forms.
As we pass the lake, Jess is managing a little better, but I still have one arm around her to keep her upright. Ruby slips her hand into Jess’s on the other side, and between us we steer her along while she keeps drifting off course.
"I'm really sorry," Jess mumbles for what has to be the fifth time.
“Don’t worry about it,” Ruby assures her gently. “We’ve all been there. And you’ve apologised enough already.”
“Have I?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh. Sorry.”
Ruby gives a little chuckle. "See?"
We wander further across campus, the music gradually fading until it's replaced by the gentle rustle of leaves overhead and the occasional burst of laughter.
The bridge stretches out in front of us, cutting across the middle of the lake, its surface black beneath the moonlight except where the lamps along the footpath scatter ribbons of gold across it.
A duck somewhere in the reeds lets out an indignant quack, followed by the splash of something disturbing the otherwise still water.
Jess suddenly stops walking. "Bernardo," she whispers, pointing towards the far bank.
I follow her finger until I spot a large white shape gliding effortlessly across the lake, its reflection rippling beneath it as it drifts between the reeds.
"That," I say dryly, "is a swan."
"He's called Bernardo."
My eyebrows climb. "You named a swan?"
Jess shakes her head, looking almost offended by the suggestion. "No. He's the uni's swan. He's called Bernardo."
It's the most she's fucking said in the half an hour I've known her, and it's about a swan. Ruby leans around both of us, squinting towards the water. "The uni has a swan?"
"Shhh," Jess hisses, her eyes never leaving him. "He'll hear you."
“Right,” I nod deciding to humour the drunk, delirious girl. “We’ll keep it down.”
Jess looks pleased, if not a little scared. “He doesn’t like loud people.”
“Who knew,” Ruby murmurs, “I’d find out I have something in common with a swan?”
I almost laugh but I shove it back down, scared I’ll spook Jess. In my experience drunk people are runners, and I’ll never forgive myself if she vanished off into the night and ended up in an unsafe situation.
“You don’t understand,” Jess shakes her head so vigorously I have to hold her tighter. “He’s an evil bastard.”
Jesus, what has she taken? “The swan is?”
“Yes.”
“I think I’ll take my chances,” I find myself puffing my chest out. The fuck am I doing? Am I bolstering myself against a fucking swan?
Ruby claps a hand over her mouth, failing miserably to hide the laugh that’s already escaped and I nearly lose it too.
Fucking hell, she’s pretty when she laughs.
“You’re both laughing,” Jess complains, looking between us.
“You’re going to regret it.” I don't know whether it's the drink talking or whether she's genuinely convinced this bird has a personal vendetta against first years, but she looks so serious I almost feel bad for not believing her.
"He's looking at us," she whisper-hisses.
I follow her gaze more out of curiosity than concern. The swan is still floating on the lake exactly where it'd been a minute ago, drifting lazily through the water with no interest in the three of us whatsoever.
"Jess," I respond patiently, "I really don't think he cares we're here."
"He does."
"Why?"
"I told you, he hates people."
Ruby lets out another snort beside me before quickly disguising it as a cough.
"Don't encourage her," I murmur.
"I'm trying not to."
Jess shakes her head at us like we’re both idiots. “Nobody ever believes me.”
“It's not that we don't believe you," Ruby says carefully. "It's more that..." She glances at me for help before looking back at Jess. "...it's a swan."
"Exactly! And swans are always up to no good.”
Sounds more like Jess has got some kind of prejudice against swans then they have against us.
I go to voice it but the bird suddenly changes direction.
What had looked like aimless drifting becomes something altogether more deliberate as it glides towards the edge of the lake, climbs onto the grass with surprising ease and turns to face the bridge we're standing on.
Ruby's smile falters. "Josh..."
"Yeah?"
"What’s it doing?"
I keep my eyes on the swan as it waddles onto the path, giving itself a little shake before lifting its head. It's a fair distance away, close enough that I can make out the orange of its beak but far enough that I can't imagine it posing much of a threat. "Maybe this is where swans hang out?”
"On bridges?"
"I don't know." I glance at her. "Do I look like Dr. Doolittle? I’ve never spoken to a swan, funnily enough.”
Ruby’s shoulders begin to shake.
“Do not laugh out loud.” Jess warns with great levity. “He will think you’re laughing at him.”
I peer at her. “Are you Dr. Doolittle?”
Jess dreamily sighs. “I loved that film as a kid.”
“Seems like you think you’re in it.”
Jess ignores me as she just keeps staring at him, her entire body tense enough that she's forgotten to wobble for the first time all evening.
“Come on," I say, gently steering her forwards. "Let's just keep walking." But she refuses to move. "Jess..." I dejectedly sigh.
“No."
This is going beyond the realm of my capabilities. "No?" I sputter. “What do you mean no?”
“He has spotted us.”
I follow her gaze back to the swan. He's still standing exactly where he was, neck stretched high, staring in our general direction.
"Jess," I fight to not sound annoyed, "I'm fairly certain he doesn't even know we exi—" The words die in my throat.
Without so much as a warning, Bernardo drops his neck until it's almost level with the ground, lets out a hiss so loud it echoes across the bridge and comes charging towards us with an alarming amount of speed.
"Jesus fucking Christ!"
"I TOLD YOU!" Jess shrieks, sounding more vindicated than frightened as she attempts to climb further up my side.
"Why's he so fast?" Ruby yelps, stumbling backwards beside me.
"Why's he hissing?"
"Why's he got wings?" Jess cries.
"He's a bird, Jess!"
"He's an evil bird!"
I barely have time to register what's happening before Bernardo is on us, his wings exploding out either side of him as he barrels straight for my legs.
Holding Jess upright with one arm suddenly feels like the worst tactical decision I've ever made, but I haven't exactly got the option of dropping her, so I do the only thing I can think of and stick my free arm out between us.
"Mate," I say, sounding far less confident than I feel, "hell fucking no." I don't know what possesses me, but I hear myself making some sort of "SHOO!" noise whilst wildly flapping my free arm in his direction.
Whatever I had hoped would happen, it has the opposite effect. Bernardo, if that’s his fucking name, hisses again, louder this time, and launches himself the last few feet with his wings spread so wide I swear they double in size.
"JOSH!" Ruby shrieks.
"I'M TRYING! I’M A ONE MAN FUCKING ARMY!”
“TRY HARDER!”
“I DON’T KNOW HOW TO FIGHT A SWAN! DO YOU?”
Jess, who has somehow become the calmest person amongst us, lets out the most world-weary sigh I've ever heard. "You've made him angry."
“I DIDN’T DO SHIT!” The bird goes for my leg and I move fast enough that Jess nearly goes with me. Ruby catches her arm and between us we keep her on her feet while I stare at the swan in disbelief. “Are you fucking serious?”
Bernardo hisses again. I hiss back.
Yeah, take that.
Ruby actually chokes on a laugh. "Did you just hiss at it?"
“Have you got any better ideas?”
"I don't think you're speaking his language!"
"Well, he doesn't seem very fucking interested in English!"
Bernardo comes at us again and I immediately start backing up, one arm across Ruby while I drag Jess with the other. “Right. Fuck this. Move.”
"He's actually chasing us!" Ruby cries, half laughing, half screaming.
"I'm fucking aware!"
"What do we do?"
"I don't know! I don’t know shit about swans!"
My phone buzzes against my leg again. Whoever it is can wait because I’m currently trying to get two girls away from a swan that seems determined to have me.
Jess peers around my shoulder. “He’s definitely in a mood.”
"You think?" I bark, hopping sideways as Bernardo’s beak narrowly misses my ankle. "I don't suppose you know how to get rid of him?"
She considers it with far more concentration than I'd expect. "...No."
"Brilliant."
Ruby tugs at my sleeve. "I think we just keep moving."
Easy for her to say when she’s not trying to keep Jess upright and stop us getting pecked at the same time.
“Look,” Ruby says, pointing behind us.
Bernardo has stopped charging, but he’s still following.
Not flying, not even rushing now, just marching after us with this weird, deliberate purpose, keeping the same distance whenever we move and closing it the second we slow down.
It looks less like he’s chasing us and more like he’s decided we need removing from the area personally.
I glance back and the bastard is staring straight at me. “He’s still coming.”
“I told you,” Jess snaps.
We pick up the pace and so does he, which is when I decide I’ve had more than enough of being intimidated by a fucking swan.
“He’s herding us,” Ruby informs me, apparently having some fucking knowledge about swans.
“He’s what?”
“Look!”
I don’t particularly want to, but she’s right. The second we step off the bridge and onto the main footpath, Bernardo slows to a stop. He stays there with his neck stretched high, watching us put another twenty yards between ourselves and him before giving one last hiss in our direction.
Jess exhales beside me. “Told you.”
I look at Ruby and she looks back at me, and that’s it. We both lose it.
She bends over laughing, hands on her knees, and I’m trying not to drop Jess while laughing hard enough that my ribs hurt. The whole thing is so fucking ridiculous that I can’t believe this is how my night has ended up.
Jess looks between us, truly unimpressed with the pair of us. “I did warn you.”
“Yeah,” I manage through laughter. “You did.”