Chapter Eight
Friday
Ruby:
The whole evening is starting to feel utterly surreal.
By the time we get Jess back to my accommodation, she is sober enough to remember which halls she actually lives in, which feels like a miracle at this point.
Thankfully, she’s only next door to me, and after apologising another twenty times and swearing blind she’ll never drink tequila from a shoe again, she finally disappears inside.
Josh and I are left standing outside in the quiet, neither of us moving straight away.
I glance at him and nearly laugh again. His trainers are absolutely wrecked, one splattered from Jess being sick and the other covered in whatever shit Bernardo dragged us through by the lake. “Your shoes have had a rough night.”
He lets out a long breath. "Yeah."
"I'm sorry."
He looks up at me. "What for? You didn't throw up on them."
"No..."
He gives a small smile. "You did laugh, though."
I pinch my fingers together. "A little bit."
"In fact, you were keeled over with laughter.”
"In my defence, you hissed at a swan."
“In my defence, it did hiss first.”
I give a light chuckle. The cold has sobered me up fast, and now that the swan drama is over, I’m realising how late it’s gotten. I pull my phone from my pocket to check the time and my eyebrows shoot up. "Bloody hell."
Josh glances over. "What?"
"It's nearly three in the morning." I lock my phone again, making a mental note to text Oscar back if his six unread messages are anything to go by. "I should probably leave you to it."
"Leave me to what?"
"Get home." I gesture vaguely behind him. "Sleep. So you can get to the shop in the morning to buy yourself some new trainers."
The corner of his mouth lifts. "They're beyond saving, are they?"
"I think you need to accept their fate, to be honest."
He looks down at them one last time before lifting his eyes back to me. "Which halls are you in again?"
"Hussey."
He dips his chin. "Come on then."
I frown. "Come on where?"
"I'll walk you back."
Oh. Handsome, kind and chivalrous? "Josh, honestly, you don't have to. You've done enough tonight."
"I'd like to, though."
"You've already gone out of your way once." I gesture back towards Jess's halls. "You could've walked straight past her outside the toilets, but you didn't. It's only a couple of minutes. I'll be fine."
"I’m sure you will."
“Then you know you don’t have to go out of your way?”
He shrugs, looking a bit awkward. “I’d just rather know you got back alright.”
I open my mouth to argue again, then close it. Fine. Maybe I don’t actually want to win this one. “Okay,” I say, failing to hide my smile. “If you must.”
He turns towards the path, and I fall into step beside him, pulling my jacket tighter around myself. "Do you think she'll be alright?"
"Yeah," Josh replies. "She was just drunk. I reckon she'll wake up tomorrow wondering why her shoes smell like sick and why she's got an irrational fear of swans."
"I don't think her fear's irrational anymore." I let out a low chuckle. “You know, if someone had told me this morning, I’d meet you and then watch you try and fight a bird—"
“I wasn’t trying to fight it. I was defending myself.”
I laugh. “You were very valiant. I applaud you.”
Josh snorts. “Why is the uni keeping a psychopathic bird anyway?”
“Keep us on our toes.”
“Yeah, fucking literally. It would’ve gnawed one off if it’d gotten the chance.”
“Don’t be so dramatic.”
“You weren’t the one in the firing line.”
“I was right beside you.”
“You were too busy laughing.”
“Only because you were hissing.”
“Yeah. Right. Fuck.”
We keep walking. There's mostly no one around now, just the odd group or couple wandering to their accommodation. My breath comes out in visible little clouds every time I laugh, and I've lost feeling in my fingers.
“So,” I glance across at him. “I guess congrats are in order?”
“Congrats?” He questions.
“Yeah. Ewan said you’re on The Firsts?”
“Oh.” Josh purses his lips.
“Oh?”
“When did he tell you that?”
“Back in the S.U. He said you smashed it?”
He shrugs one shoulder. “I was alright, yeah.”
“Josh.” I chide.
“What?”
“It’s impressive.”
“It’s nothing your brother hasn’t already done.”
“Don’t downplay it like that. You got on that team on your own merit.”
He looks at me like he isn’t quite sure how to accept it. “Thanks.”
We fall quiet for a bit, neither of us seeming in much of a rush to get anywhere.
Usually silence with someone I barely know makes me feel like I should fill it, like I’ve missed a cue and need to start talking before things become awkward, but with Josh it doesn’t.
We just walk, and I find myself wondering how much of me he’d actually guess from tonight.
Probably not much.
Most people are surprised when they find out I have depression.
I got good at looking fine long before I actually was, mostly because admitting what was happening meant admitting why.
Dad was sleeping with my eighteen-year-old best friend, and I was the one carrying the secret around.
What was I supposed to do with that? Blow up my family, my friendships and Dad’s career in one go?
I couldn't. I wouldn't.
It was the attempt on my life that made everything come to light. Dad, wracked with guilt, came clean about the secret I'd been holding in for him. Mum ended their marriage straight away, but dad was unbothered as he moved in with his secretary, and a year later, they were married.
Mum's response to that was: "Nobody finds love quicker than a man who needs a roof above his head." I've thought about that comment a lot. I wonder how true it is.
In the end, I caused Oscar the most pain. It was Oscar who found me on our bathroom floor. I wish I could say I didn't know what I was doing. I wish I could say I was blind with depression or grief. But I knew exactly what I was trying to achieve. I wanted to complete it.
Not because I wanted to die, but because I wanted the pain, and the noise, and endless torrent of emotions to stop.
If I had known Oscar would be the one to see me—and save me—I never would have gone there in the first place.
And while I can blame Dad for the trauma he inflicted, and be furious at my ex-boyfriend, Ansel, for the fucked-up way he took advantage of me, the truth is I only ever had myself to blame.
I have had to take responsibility for the harm I have caused.
By the time I realise how exhausted I am, my feet are dragging and my eyes feel heavy.
Josh yawns. “I think today has been one of the strangest days of my life. It feels like it’s gone on forever.”
I glance at him because I don’t agree at all.
For me, the whole day has disappeared. One minute I was waking up with no real plan beyond getting through it, and the next I was fighting a bird and ended up here with him.
It’s gone so quickly I’ve barely had time to think about any of it while it was happening.
"Why has it been strange?" I ask. "Because of the swan?"
He lets out a breath that almost sounds like a laugh. "That didn't exactly help."
"Did anything help?"
"Yeah." A slow smile spreads across his face, and something flips low in my stomach.
I realise he's not going to elaborate. "Care to share what?"
"No."
I bump my shoulder against his. A jolt spreads through me at the contact. "You big old tease."
"I've no idea what you're talking about."
"Liar."
He glances down at me, fighting another smile, and we reach Hussey far too quickly for my liking, the building dark and quiet, the whole campus finally gone still around us.
"This is me," I wave towards the door.
"Right." He doesn't move.
“What? Do you need to walk me all the way to my bedroom? Is dropping me off at the block door not enough?”
“Well…” He rubs the back of his neck. “I don’t know. I was thinking I’d at least see you to your floor.”
“You want to walk me all the way to my actual door?”
“Kind of, yeah.”
“Could I not just text you when I’m in?”
He nods. “You could. So long as you actually do. I texted you earlier so you have my number.”
I narrow my eyes. “Are you usually like this?”
He frowns. “Like what?”
“I don’t know…” I gesture vaguely towards him. “Helpful? Chivalrous? Going out of your way to help others?”
He looks genuinely puzzled. “Is this not the normal thing to do?”
“I don’t know.”
With Ansel, everything was a test. Say the wrong thing and he'd go quiet.
Laugh at another boy's joke and he'd spend the rest of the evening asking whether I fancied him instead.
Take too long to reply and I'd be accused of ignoring him on purpose.
Eventually, it became easier to keep my head down, apologise first and hope the mood passed.
"Well," I murmur, feeling a lot of things I’m not used to. "Thank you."
He gives a small shrug, like I'm thanking him for passing me the salt rather than walking me home after spending the last hour rescuing drunk strangers and risking his life against a homicidal swan. "You don't need to thank me."
“I still want to."
He holds my gaze for a moment before dipping his chin. "Just text me when you get upstairs."
"I will."
"Promise?"
“Promise."
"Good."
“Right. Course." I chuckle. "Anyway. I'm freezing, and you've got a pair of trainers to formally retire in the morning."
"Don't remind me."
"I'll say a few words at the funeral, if you’d like."
“Piss off, Ruby.”
“I’m going.” I tap my card against the reader, the lock clicking over. "Night, Josh."
“Night.” He stays put, watching the door swinging shut behind me. “Text me.”
“I will!”
“You better.”
The door closes between us, and I'm smiling the whole way up the stairs, phone already out, typing before I've even reached my floor, but I only send the text when I’m in my room.
RUBY (03:30): I’m in. Alive. No swan lying in wait. Could you let me know when you’re back safe?
JOSH (03:31): Glad to hear it. And will do.
I sit on the edge of my bed, not daring to get ready for bed, phone in hand, waiting for the follow-up text without really admitting to myself that's what I'm doing. Ten minutes pass and then my phone buzzes.
JOSH (03:40): Home. Trainers have been placed in the bin outside with the respect they deserve.
I laugh out loud, alone in my room, the sound too loud in the quiet.
RUBY (03:41): A moving tribute.
JOSH (03:41): I said a few words.
RUBY (03:41): Did you put a hex on poor Bernardo?
JOSH (03:42): Your empathy for that evil beast is throwing me off kilter. He’s the reason they’re dead.
RUBY (03:43): I think that was more Jess and her tequila from a shoe.
JOSH (03:44): Good old Jess. At least it’s not all bad, right?
Why on earth am I grinning from ear-to-ear?
RUBY (03:44): Why is that?
JOSH (03:44): At least we can both say we made a friend at Freshers.
RUBY (03:45): Yeah. At least there is that.
JOSH (03:45): You should get some sleep.
RUBY (03:47): Yeah. You should too.
JOSH (03:55): Night, Ruby x
RUBY (03:55): Night, Josh x
I put my phone down on the pillow, still in my clothes, and stare at the ceiling for a long moment before I finally drag myself up to actually get changed for bed. Even once the lights are off, I'm still smiling at nothing in the dark.