Chapter 18 Sawyer
Chapter eighteen
Sawyer
The short drive to the orchard is painfully awkward. Ty and I are silent in the front seat, and the two students in the back are engaged in quiet conversation.
The groups assigned to setting up parameters and planning and executing the logistics of the game design are meeting for a few hours to get the final details squared away.
The event is happening less than two weeks from now. I would be nervous if I wasn’t utterly distracted by the turmoil that’s taken over my personal life.
Mercer won’t be here tonight.
At least I don’t think he will be. I was too anxious to reach out and confirm.
Noah, undoubtedly, will be around. The only time he’s ever not here is when he’s out with Mercer.
Then there’s Tytus.
Tytus, who has insisted I stick by his side while we’re here.
Tytus, who has no reason to suspect there’s anything going on with Noah and me. I fully intend to keep it that way.
But between his paranoia and hypervigilance, I wouldn’t be surprised if he figures it out, and that terrifies me.
I can’t let Noah get me alone tonight.
To make matters worse, Ty’s ire has yet to dampen like I thought it would.
If anything, he’s growing more agitated every day.
Rather than cooling off, our predicament only seems to be heating up.
And I don’t know how to pivot. I don’t know what to say to Mercer or how to even begin to untangle the mess I’ve made.
“We’re here,” I declare with false bravado as I pull into the parking lot. “Let’s plan to meet back at the car in two hours. Text the class chat if you get held up or need more time.”
The students in the back agree and clamber out, but Ty holds back.
When they’ve collected their things and are strolling away, he clicks the automatic lock on his door.
It takes effort not to roll my eyes. From the driver’s seat, I could easily unlock my own door if I wanted to.
“You’ll stick close.”
It’s a statement, not a question.
With a sigh, I drop my head against the headrest and eye him. “I have work to do, just like you.”
“If the professor shows up, I don’t want you talking to him.”
I press my lips together to keep from sassing back, from telling him that the professor isn’t the man he should be worried about tonight.
“Sawyer. Did you hear me?”
I huff out a humorless laugh. “You’re not my boss, Tytus. You’re not anything to me anymore. And if my actual boss shows up here tonight, I will talk to him, thank you very much.”
His dark eyes sharpen as he glares at me. “You’re a lot more compliant when you’re grinding your pussy on my lap, petit diable.”
I slam my hand on the top of the steering wheel, startling us both.
“Don’t,” I seethe. “Not now. Not here. I’m not doing this with you tonight.
You don’t get to carry on with this delusion where I belong to you.
You don’t get to deny that you destroyed our friendship with this sick game.
This week has changed everything. So don’t you dare sit there and mock me when I’m just trying to get through the fucking day. ”
Tears well, but I sniff them back, unwilling to let them fall.
I’m so angry I could scream.
I want out of this car. I want away from this boy.
Ty’s demeanor eases, his whole body relaxing. “Fine.” He shrugs. “We don’t have to do this here. Let’s get out there. The sooner we get this done, the sooner we can get home.”
The dread that’s been my companion for days now doubles, winding its way through my every cell.
I just told Ty he destroyed our friendship and that I’m done.
Yet he looks completely unaffected, only dropping the topic so we can get back to the dorms.
I can’t continue like this, but I won’t break down or back down. Not now. Not when there’s work to do.
Silently, I unlock my door and climb out. I gather my things, and without looking at Ty again, I walk away.
The storefront is closed this late, but I take the stairs up to the porch anyway, peeking in the window on the bakery side, just in case Edna’s there.
What I wouldn’t give for a slice of pie right now.
The lights are out, as expected.
Turning, I glance up toward the house. I purposely avoid looking at the corn maze in the distance. I’ve had to bow out of the discussions the students have had regarding its use for the event because my cheeks burn every time corn is mentioned.
The front windows of the farmhouse glow with a warm yellow light.
I’m desperate to know what Noah might be up to tonight, despite how risky it would be to indulge my curiosity by sneaking over there.
With a sigh, I wander to the stairs. I walk along the perimeter of the porch, through the crates of pumpkins and mini gourds all on one end, then around a massive tiered display of mums. All the while I have to fight the urge to pull out my phone and snap photos.
That phase of the project is already wrapped up. The class has everything it needs.
With any luck, Noah will take Mercer’s advice and hire a marketing specialist for the orchard. I sincerely hope that happens. Even if that person isn’t me.
By now, Ty has joined his group toward the road. They’re in charge of signage and crowd control for the event. With the other group out in the orchard, I’m alone.
My thoughts are too loud in the silence, so I meander toward the sound of voices, eager to tag along with the group Ty isn’t part of. But as I pass the barn, a psst stops me in my tracks.
Pulse picking up, I turn, searching for the source of the sound.
“In here.”
Noah.
“In the barn, honey,” he says. “Follow the sound of my voice.”
My feet stay planted, despite my heart’s desire to follow his instructions.
“I just want one minute with you.”
The idea of denying him makes my chest ache. I refuse to hurt him the way I’ve already hurt Mercer this week.
With a peek over my shoulder to confirm we’re alone, I scamper into the barn.
“Noah?”
He snags my elbow, his big hand warm and rough, and pulls me close.
“Hi, honey.”
Despite the darkness shrouding us, his smile is evident in his voice.
“Hi,” I reply, tucking my hair behind both ears.
“Missed you,” he murmurs, leaning closer.
“Noah.” Stomach sinking, I place both hands on his chest to stop him.
He halts immediately, his back going ramrod straight.
It kills me, the thought that he might feel rejected, but I can’t afford to get wrapped up in a moment with him right now. For his sake and mine.
In what I hope is a soothing move, I slide my hands over his shoulders and clasp them behind his neck. “There are students right outside.”
He clears his throat, his posture relaxing, and grasps my hips.
“So you’re telling me I shouldn’t hold on to the dream of sneaking you into my house? Even just for a few minutes?”
Closing my eyes, I rest my cheek on his chest and inhale, savoring the scent of cedarwood and honey combined with fresh air.
In my mind, I let the fantasy play out. The two of us sneaking toward the farmhouse. His lips on mine the second we close the door behind us, then drifting down to my neck, my chest, my breasts. This man sinking to his knees in the entryway—
A stick snaps outside, and I startle back, my heart rate skyrocketing into the heavens.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him, hugging myself, holding in the pain and sadness threatening to pour out of me. “I can’t. I wish I could; I just…”
I meet his gaze, and despite how dark it is, the empathy and understanding on his face are clear.
“Did you at least get my text?” he asks, a tentative smile coming out to play. “I know it wasn’t as good as what you would have done—”
“I thought it was great,” I tell him, taking half a step closer. “I’m sorry I didn’t reply. This week… it’s been a lot.”
Concern creases his brow. “Are you all right? Anything I can help with?”
Pain blooms in my chest. What I wouldn’t give for his support. But this isn’t his battle. He’s endured enough.
“Just a lot to deal with right now. It’ll all work out.” The words sound weak even to my own ears. By the way his brow furrows even more, it’s clear he sees right through my shit.
For a few seconds we stand like that, unable to move closer but not ready to walk away.
Finally, with a frustrated sigh, Noah runs one hand through his hair.
“Damn, I want to kiss you right now.”
My eyes water, but I will not cry.
I run the tip of my tongue back and forth over my teeth to stave off the tears, then, with a thick swallow, I pull myself together. “I should probably get back out there.”
He deflates just a fraction. “I get it. When will you be back? This weekend, maybe?”
The tears instantly threaten again, and a lump forms in my throat.
I will not cry.
I will not cry.
“The guys have a game this weekend. On Friday night.”
He stands straighter. “So you’re free Saturday, then?”
“I—”
Good grief.
“I don’t know my schedule at the ice arena yet. But I’ll text you as soon as I do.”
With a small frown, he raises both hands and takes a small step back. “I’ll let you go. Just know that I can’t wait for you to be back.”
Teeth gritted, I nod. I don’t trust myself to speak again. If I do, I’ll surely burst into tears.
He walks backward a few strides, then eventually turns and leaves.
When he’s gone, I stumble to the wall and press my back into the worn wood, closing my eyes against the tears that won’t stop tormenting me.
“That was fucking brutal.”
Yelping, I throw my hand over my mouth.
While my heart pounds, I step away from the wall and turn in a circle, searching the dark space.
Above, in the loft, a tiny light flashes and goes out quickly, then a puff of smoke fills the space in its place.
When it clears, Bella comes into view, legs swinging off the edge as she brings the vape back to her mouth. I study Noah’s second cousin for several seconds, concern swirling in my gut that she witnessed that painful exchange.
“Either get lost or get up here.”
Shit.
I guess I’m going up.
Carefully, I climb the ladder, noting how sturdy it is, then stand and shuffle toward Bella.
When I’m close enough to see the whites of her eyes, she looks me up and down. “Sit,” she demands.
Obediently, I ease onto the wooden floor and dangle my legs over the edge the way she does.
“Just so we’re clear, he came in here seconds before you did. I would have made myself known had you not shot him down so hard and fast.”
Pain blooms in my chest. “I didn’t shoot him down.”
Bella side-eyes me, then offers me the vape.
Fuck it.
I accept and inhale deeply. As the smoke infiltrates my lungs and a tart apple flavor tickles my tongue, I pull out my phone and send off a text.
Sawyer: You’re driving home.
I lock my phone before Ty can respond and pocket it again, then take another hit, this time letting the smoke linger a little longer.
When I finally exhale and pass back the vape, Bella is still staring.
“He likes you. A lot.”
Matching her tone, I deadpan, “I like him. A lot.”
Her lips curl up on one side. “And yet you wouldn’t let him kiss you. You barely let him touch you, then you gave him the emptiest excuses for why you couldn’t reciprocate.”
With a grimace, I duck my head and crack my knuckles. How the hell did she get all that from eavesdropping at this angle?
Before I can ask the question aloud, my brain slows and my body relaxes. I lean back a bit, rifling through my jumbled thoughts. I’ve gotten nowhere by the time a figure wanders past the open doorway below.
Instantly my body goes rigid. I don’t have to see his face to know it’s Tytus.
He lumbers past, only slowing slightly and glancing in the barn before moving on.
When he’s out of sight and I can no longer hear his footsteps, I exhale.
“So was your bullshit reaction about you, about Noah, or about the kid with the perpetual scowl on his face? I swear, every time I see that guy, he looks like he wants to shove dried corn husks under the fingernails of anyone who breathes in your vicinity.”
I shudder. That was shockingly graphic.
Before I can fumble through a half-truth, she blows smoke in my face and continues.
“Noah is special. He’s fought really fucking hard not to sink into the darkness, and he’s endured more than most people could bear to deal with.”
I want to tell her that I know. That I relate to him deeply. That I let him down easy tonight to protect him.
But I swallow back the words. If I can’t even tell Noah that, how can I tell this virtual stranger?
Abruptly, she stands and brushes off her bare legs, looming over me. I tip my head back, finding her eyes narrowed. I try to focus on her face instead of all her cool piercings, but I’m easily distracted when I’m high.
Shit.
Should I tell her the truth? She may not believe me, and obviously she’ll want to tell Noah, but maybe—
“He doesn’t deserve to be toyed with, and he certainly doesn’t deserve to lose another important person.
” Bella plants her hands on her hips and glowers.
“Either stick around or stay the fuck away from him.” With that, she stomps away, the sound of her Doc Martens hitting wood echoing off the rafters as she clomps down the ladder.
Shit.
I can’t stick around. Not tonight at least, and not when things are so tense with Ty.
But I don’t know that I can bear to stay away, either.