Chapter 20
Korren
The relief I feel after a day on this job is unbelievable.
I’ve had a few panic attacks since the event, and I was worried that going back into a fire might trigger something in me.
But we’re not even close to the flames, and now that we’re on the ground surrounded by smoke, I can tell this isn’t going to bother me. Thank fucking god.
Also, this is the most intense workout of my life, and it feels just as freeing as the ones I’ve been doing for months now in an attempt to keep my sanity. With each swing of the Pulaski, I chip away at another piece of the darkness in my mind.
It’s not until everyone starts heading to bed that I remember the part I’m dreading.
I have to share Dex’s tent.
As the rest of the crew disappears in their tents, I trudge off toward the furthest reaches of camp—the place where solid ground gives way to a marshy tangle of tree roots and tussocks. Maybe if I’m tired enough, I’ll collapse and sleep dreamlessly.
It still isn’t dark even though it’s past ten, but the sun is dropping lower in the sky, and I can see a glow on one of the mountainsides a ways from our camp where the fire is smoldering.
I stand there and watch the fire until my legs are stiff and the cool of approaching night is beginning to work its way through my sweatshirt.
When I hear footsteps approaching, I flinch. If anyone catches me standing here like a dumbass, they’ll think something is wrong with me.
But it’s Dex. Of course it’s Dex.
“What’s going on, Korren?” he asks, and his voice is gravelly with exhaustion.
“Go back to bed.”
“You really don’t want to share a tent with me, do you.”
I give an exasperated sigh. “It’s not even just that.”
“Are you worried you’ll shout in your sleep again?”
I stare at the glowing line in the distance for a long time before nodding.
“You should’ve said something. We can move the tent away from the rest of the crew so no one hears.”
I laugh harshly. “No we can’t. Everyone will think we’re fucking.”
“Shit. You’re right.” Dex hesitates. “Still, I’d be willing to sacrifice my reputation if it means you could get a good night’s sleep.”
“No, Dex. Let’s not go there.”
We’re both quiet for a while. I think Dex will give up and go back to bed without me, but he doesn’t. And I saw how wrecked he was earlier. I shouldn’t be keeping him up like this.
More for his sake than my own, I finally say, “Wake me up if I make any noise at night. Can you do that?”
“’Course.”
Then we turn and head back to his tent together. The ground is surprisingly soft beneath my thin mattress, and my sleeping bag is deliciously warm. I turn away from Dex and try my hardest to sleep.
Two hours later, I’m still lying there staring at the side of the tent. It’s so late it’s actually dark. Behind me, Dex is snoring softly—he fell asleep right away.
The longer I lie here, the more awake I am. I can’t get my breathing to even out. I can feel the edges of a panic attack threatening, and there’s no fucking way I’m letting that happen here.
I just want to be alone.
I won’t be able to function on this fire without sleep, but I can’t turn off my brain and relax enough to fall asleep with so many people around.
A large part of me is tempted to drag my sleeping bag outside and sleep on the ground somewhere, but the mosquitos would probably eat me alive.
Besides, that would count as chickening out, and then I’d be right back where I started with nowhere to live.
I don’t sleep properly all night. The sun comes up a few hours later, and then I’m more awake than ever. I finally drag myself out of bed at five o’clock, and I’m surprised to find I’m not the only one up.
“Morning,” Cami says from one of the logs by the fire. “Rough night?”
I grunt in reply.
“I’ve got coffee. Come caffeinate yourself.”
I fill a thermos with coffee and sink gratefully onto one of the logs near Cami.
“We all have blackout curtains at home, so it takes a few days to get used to sleeping through the early sunrise. You’ll get there.”
“Thanks,” I mumble.
“Dex driving you crazy yet?” she asks with a grin.
“What d’you mean?”
“He’s great, but man, he loves the sound of his own voice. I figure it’d be too much for someone quiet like you.”
I haven’t felt that way at all. Dex talks and jokes a lot with the rest of the crew, but I get the impression that’s all a bit of an act.
“He’s all right,” I say noncommittally.
“Anyway, I’m shocked he ended up joining our crew. This is really not his thing. He hasn’t even gone through training—his uncle just stuck him on the team without an explanation. Nepotism at its best.”
I don’t say anything. Cami seems to think she’s just revealed one of Dex’s deepest secrets, but of course I know exactly why he’s here.
We lapse into silence, and I’m grateful when more of the crew starts getting up and I can fade into the background.