Chapter Thirty-Eight #3
Barrett’s heart was racing in her chest, echoing in her ears. “You’re not leaving me?”
“Leaving you? Why would I be leaving you?”
When she said it with such confusion, Barrett felt especially ridiculous. Those damn scars she wished she was long over. She had the woman of her dreams in her life and she was wrecking it.
She shrugged. “I don’t know. I just thought… maybe you were. You know, after last night, maybe you didn’t want to… and you were making me food to let me down easy. Maybe you found out—”
Iris frowned. “Found out what?”
Barrett huffed a breath. They had to have this conversation at some point. No time like the present. “That I don’t want kids.”
“What?”
“I know I should have told you sooner, and I was talking to Orion and Ruby about it and you deserved to know, and I’m so sorry but I can’t.
Not after everything. I already spent so many years raising kids that weren’t even mine and I just…
can’t. I’m sorry. I wish I could if that was something you wanted, but I can’t give you that.
It’s not the life I want for myself and I’m not going to change my mind, and I assumed you’d figured that out and wanted to leave. ”
“Barrett.” Her voice sounded heartbroken. “Hey, we’re okay.”
She pulled Barrett into a tight hug, breathing with her through the panic. It was nice, even though Barrett had never felt smaller in her life. She was ruining everything.
“I’m sorry,” Barrett said again, pulling back and swiping at her eyes.
Iris looked at her like she was everything. “Barrett, I love you.”
“What? No. You can’t.”
She barked a surprised laugh. “I’ll let you correct me on a lot of things, but I won’t let you tell me I don’t love you.”
“But… why? I can’t give you everything you want.”
“You absolutely can.” She took Barrett’s face between her hands. “I don’t want kids. I want you. I hadn’t explicitly thought about it, but I’d never expected you to want them. Even before I knew you properly, they just… never seemed like something you’d want.”
“I don’t want to make you give up things you want for your life.”
“Barrett.” She said it so softly, so perfectly, so much like she was in love and all she’d ever need was this life with Barrett.
“I love you. I love Oscar. I love our friends. That’s all the family I want or need.
I promise being with you is no sacrifice at all.
You have brought me back to life, given me a place in the world, and made me feel more like myself than I have since…
ha. Since I stood on that Mathematical Bridge and felt like life might be worth sticking around for after all. ”
“Princess…” Barrett was sobbing now, unsure of what to even say. Maybe there was only one thing she could say. “I love you so much.”
Iris smiled the biggest smile Barrett had ever seen. “Yeah?”
“Yes. You’re everything and I am petrified of losing you.”
She nodded, stepping in between Barrett’s legs. “I’m getting that. I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize making pancakes would—”
“It’s not the pancakes.”
“I know.” The question was there in her voice, unspoken so Barrett didn’t feel the pressure to answer it. But Barrett owed it to her, maybe to herself, honestly. She wasn’t losing Iris and she was going to do everything in her power to keep it that way always.
She took a deep breath, running her hands up Iris’ back. With anyone else, she’d be mortified. But Iris wasn’t just someone she’d slept with, she was the woman Barrett loved. She was special in every way it was possible to be.
“My mom,” she started, hating that her brain had compared Iris and her mom.
They were nothing alike. She cleared her throat.
“My mom only made me food when she needed to give me bad news. I can remember every time she did it, everything she made, and it was always something terrible. You did such a nice thing and my brain just glitched and couldn’t imagine you weren’t leaving me. ”
Iris stroked Barrett’s hair. “I’m sorry she did that. I get why your brain did, though.”
“Yeah. And I’ve been stressing that the kids thing would be a deal-breaker, so I couldn’t—”
“I get it.” She pressed a kiss to Barrett’s lips. “But you’re enough for me, Barrett. The only thing I want, and I’m not going anywhere.”
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to be needy.”
“You’re allowed to be needy with the people who love you, and I love you when you’re needy, I love you when you’re sad, I love you when it feels like you’re breaking apart just the same as I love you when everything feels right in the world. I just love you, Barrett.”
“I love you too, with everything I am.”
“Good, because you’re stuck with me and my devastating pancakes.”
Barrett laughed more than she should, but the release of emotion was good.
Iris wasn’t leaving her. She’d shown all the cards in her terrible hand and Iris loved her anyway.
She wasn’t entirely sure she deserved Iris, but she did know nobody else would ever love her as much as Barrett did, and maybe that would be enough.
Still, she’d spend forever trying to give Iris more, trying to give her everything.