Chapter Thirty-Nine
Walking down the street knowing Barrett loved her felt different.
It shouldn’t have, really. Barrett had been showing her she was in love for weeks now, but it did.
The two of them saying it, making it official, mattered.
Now that Barrett had calmed down and been reassured, she looked like she felt the same way, her fingers squeezing Iris’ tighter every time she glanced her way—which happened every few steps.
They’d talked more over breakfast, Barrett asking whether Iris only didn’t want kids because she didn’t or if she’d always felt that way, and only seeming reassured when Iris insisted it had always been that way.
She liked kids well enough, but they were never something she saw for herself.
She wanted friends with kids she could spoil, but she wasn’t looking to parent them.
She and Barrett were a good fit in many ways and that one was no exception.
Oscar turned ahead of them, checking first on Barrett and then Iris, wagging his tail happily when he saw they were both still with him. Iris’ heart warmed as she thought about the fact they always would be.
“Iris!” an all-too-familiar voice called.
Iris tensed, sighing deeply. It was supposed to be a happy day. A relaxed Saturday for her and Barrett and Oscar, not for people she’d blocked on her phone after their last encounter.
Barrett turned with her and they both stared at Jemma coming their way. She looked unfathomably smug.
“Do you want to go?” Barrett asked quietly.
Iris shook her head. “Just give me a minute. It’s something I need to get over and done with, I think.”
Barrett nodded, looking a little unconvinced. “We’ll be right over there.” She gestured a little down the street before kissing Iris and walking away.
Iris liked knowing she was close by, but she also liked Barrett letting her have this moment to handle however she saw fit. She liked being loved, not managed.
She turned back to Jemma, thinking about how she’d blocked her number after her last session with Phoebe. They’d discussed the possibility of this conversation and the things Iris might want to say if it did arise, but she hadn’t been expecting it so soon.
She was glad Natasha wasn’t with Jemma. It would be harder with her snide little comments. But maybe not impossible.
“Wow,” Jemma said, stopping a little too close in front of her. “Nice of you to let me know you’re dating someone.”
Iris scowled. They’d all assumed she was after Anya’s birthday party. From that perspective, it was hardly news. “Like you let me know, you mean?”
It was a little petty and Iris hadn’t wanted to be petty in this conversation, but she was going to let herself have that one moment of it.
Jemma stared at her. “I don’t know why you’re being weird about it. You’re supposed to have moved on.”
Iris sighed. “I have moved on. It’s not about me wanting Natasha. I don’t.”
“Yeah, right. It’s okay if you still think she’s hot.” She laughed like they remained old friends, in on a joke together.
Iris couldn’t remember the last time she’d thought Natasha was attractive. She had at some point, but now, all she was was pain and a crumbling sense of self. “I don’t. I just don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Hurt? You think she’s going to leave me?”
“No. I actually don’t.” That wasn’t what Natasha did. You had to be the one brave enough to leave her after she’d broken you.
“She loves me.”
“Right.”
Jemma huffed. “I get that it’s a bit weird to go for your ex, and I know it ended badly, but I thought you’d be happy for me.”
“What do you think happened?” It was a genuine question.
As Iris had learned the type of open, safe communication she had with Barrett, she’d been reflecting more on the number of things she’d kept locked inside in the past. She really didn’t know what her friends had figured out, and she’d work on not blaming herself for that in therapy, but she still wanted to know.
Jemma shrugged dismissively. “You argued a lot. One day, it got too heated and Natasha hit you. But she’s really sorry about that and she’s done a lot of healing and reflecting. She’s different now and she wouldn’t hurt me like that.”
Natasha had done a lot of weaponizing therapy speak, Iris guessed. The way Jemma said it, how much she believed it, smacked of a convincing performance, but Natasha had never struggled with those. She struggled with being genuine.
“And what did you know about the relationship from me?” Iris asked after a long moment.
Jemma faltered, looking real for the first time in any conversation they’d had about Natasha. “Well, I don’t know. You didn’t really tell us much.”
Iris nodded, but it was there, under Jemma’s words.
She’d known enough. Not as much as Anya had put together, not every detail Iris hadn’t been able to force herself to admit, but enough.
Enough to run in the opposite direction the second Natasha came around.
But she’d been charmed. She’d convinced herself Iris was the problem, that she was better, special.
Iris got it. Everyone wanted to believe it wouldn’t happen to them. It was never so easy.
She watched Jemma for a long moment. “While you’re with Natasha, we need to not know each other. Not because I want Natasha back or anything ridiculous like that, but because I do not want her in my life.”
“You’re going to leave me blocked? You can’t just be happy for me?”
“I hope it turns out better for you. If it doesn’t, I’ll believe you.
You can ask me for help. We’re never going to be friends again, but I will help you if you need it and I’ll believe the things you tell me.
Please remember that.” She nodded once, formally, finally.
“In the meantime, please stay away from me. Both of you. Take care, Jemma.”
It felt like a tiny win that, while Jemma spluttered and tried to call something after her, she didn’t follow.
Iris couldn’t decide whether that had gone better, worse, or as well as she’d hoped it would. Regardless, she’d done it and she was walking away. Maybe that was the most she could ever have hoped for.
Barrett was watching her like a hawk and Iris collapsed readily into her arms.
“Ferry?” Iris asked after breathing in the scent of her for a reassuring minute.
“Absolutely.” She didn’t probe, she didn’t push. She just understood.
They walked back to Barrett’s apartment to drop Oscar off before heading down to the terminal, and Iris barely spoke until she spotted a coffee kiosk that was on Barrett’s list, but she didn’t feel as drained as she had after her past two encounters with Jemma.
She smiled and led them over that way, watching as Barrett ordered two coffees. And she felt like an entirely different person as they stood waiting to board, hands clasped tight together just as they had been last time. How far they’d come since then.
Barrett grinned at her. “Ready?”
Iris laughed and nodded as they surged forward and started running.
It was raining as they took up residence at the back of the boat, right against the rail, but Iris didn’t mind.
It felt symbolic in its way, cleansing her of Natasha and Jemma and a million things from her past she didn’t want to bring into her future with Barrett.
Emotionally, it wasn’t that easy, of course, but she’d keep working to get rid of those scars, and she felt optimistic about the outcome.
“I love you,” Barrett said, pressing a kiss to her cheek.
Iris looked at her. The view they were about to see of Manhattan was stunning but Barrett was better, and she would be every day of the week for the rest of time. “I love you too. Thank you for letting me handle that my way.”
“Of course.” She ran one finger over Iris’ left eyebrow and down her cheek. “It’s not for me to tell you how to feel about that stuff or to handle it for you. You’re more than capable by yourself.”
Iris could have cried. “Still, thank you.”
Barrett nodded like she got all the things Iris couldn’t put into words.
The boat started moving and Iris was struck by the fact that it was still one of her favorite days ever, even with both of them having emotional moments and confronting things from their pasts.
It was the day she told Barrett she loved her, the day Barrett told her the exact same thing, and that was always going to be a day worth remembering.
She sipped her coffee. “Oh. Uh, brown sugar, maybe? I’m really not sure. It’s unexpected.”
Barrett laughed and sipped her own drink. “Ah, I think you’ll like this one.”
They switched and, while Iris was eager to taste the second one, she was more eager to watch Barrett try the one she’d had, to watch the way she fizzed with excitement as she figured out what it was. She was simply excited to watch Barrett be entirely herself.
Her eyes did, in fact, light up when she sipped the coffee. “Frangipane,” she said decidedly. “It tastes like a bakewell. Almond and marzipan and pastry.”
Iris leaned readily into her side. She loved seeing Barrett so happy, it made her happy too. And she loved watching Barrett flexing all her knowledge and skills. It really was very attractive.
She nodded. “That’s what it is. I don’t think I’ve ever tasted that in a coffee before.”
Barrett nodded and gestured to the cup Iris was holding. “And this one?”
With the fresh breeze and the rain, Iris didn’t even bother sniffing it first.
She laughed and wrapped her free arm around Barrett. “It’s like tea.”
“It is like tea.”
“Honey. Lemon, maybe? Very light.”
“Absolutely. Light and fresh and just like you’re back in England, sipping tea with the Queen.”
“Barrett,” she complained, amused.
“Yes, princess?”
Iris shook her head, but she looked from Barrett to Manhattan and back again. “I think I like it better here.”
“Yeah?”
She let her kiss answer for her. It was deeper than it probably should have been for a busy ferry, but she didn’t care who knew how in love with Barrett she was.
Barrett looked entirely love-struck when they separated and Iris confidently assumed she looked the exact same way.
She glanced back at their city. Huge and imposing and home.
Though, Iris was pretty sure home looked like any place Barrett was.
Still, New York felt right now. She’d survived another unexpected encounter with Jemma, and, sure, they were on the ferry, but she felt okay.
She’d survived that and she’d survive the inevitable next encounter with Natasha.
She felt real again, solid in a way she hadn’t in years.
She felt seen, and it was harder to erase a person who knew they had worth.
“Say, Barrett?” She twisted in Barrett’s grasp to wrap her arms around her neck, careful not to spill the tea-like coffee.
“Yes, princess?”
“Do you think you’re busy for the rest of your life?”
She laughed, hugging Iris tighter. “Only with you.”
Smiling in response to Barrett’s happiness came easier than breathing. Just as leaning in to brush her lips against Barrett’s did. “Good, because I’d like to keep choosing you for every day of it.”